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Relationships

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Original poster

Caught my husband lying - again

141 replies

wellthisisbollocks · 21/06/2019 18:27

I'll try to keep this as short as I can. I'm 36, husband 35. Together for 15 years all together, married for nearly 12. No kids. I am, unfortunately, financially dependent on him.

He has performed some spectacular fuck-ups in the past, but I naively believed he had matured and grown past those types of things, until I discovered about 1.5 years ago that he was vaping behind my back, and that he had lied repeatedly to me to cover this up, apparently for around a year.

My faith in him as a person and my trust in him and trust that he was being honest took a real battering, and we only just scraped through. He has told me repeatedly since then that he swears he would never lie to me again following that, that he was not lying now, that he was being totally transparent about everything. I even had a dream about a week back that he was vaping again, and the lying bastard looked me in the eyes and told me he wasn't.

This morning I found a vape pen in his work bag while he was in the shower. I asked him again if he was vaping, he said no. Shat himself when I produced his pen. He then said very little, and practically ran out the door to work. He didn't take his wedding ring, he didn't let me know he got in safe as usual, and he's avoided contact with me all day.

I've gone between feeling incredibly hurt that he deceives me like this, to extreme anger with him for treating me like such a moron (and anger with myself for staying with him) and wondering how the hell it is that my life has come to this. I'm wasting years on a guy I can't trust. If he lies about this, and so readily, I can't trust anything he ever tells me. I love him and I so wish I didn't.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 21/06/2019 18:30

Whoa! He’s a grown up and can vape if he wants AND he lets you know he got to work? Seriously?

You are way too controlling and sound like a nightmare

Original poster

wellthisisbollocks · 21/06/2019 18:33

Thanks for the kind response. He lets me know when he's in work because he travels large distances, and so I know he's in ok. I do the same for him. The issue is not the vaping, but the LYING.

OP posts:

pog100 · 21/06/2019 18:33

Unless there is a back story to this, you do seem to be massively overreacting and I agree you seem rather controlling. However, if you are not happy in your relationship, end it. It isn't a prison sentence. It's he happy in the relationship?

Notonthestairs · 21/06/2019 18:35

If he'd told you that he was vaping what would you have done?

Lipz · 21/06/2019 18:37

He's only vaping not doing cocaine. He didn't tell you because he knows of your over reaction.

Knitclubchatter · 21/06/2019 18:55

is he vaping marijuana? crack cocaine?
i'd be lying to you as well.
btw i'm a stern non smoker and can't abide by the waste of money and smell.
and honestly if it's a deal breaker end the relationship.

AnyFucker · 21/06/2019 18:59

I justdon't understand where you are coming from

You say it's "not the vaping" but it obviously is

He wants to vape. You are not his mother. Let him make his own decisions.

You currently have a parent/child relationship. He tells fibs so he doesn't get in trouble with mummy.

I can't imagine that this bodes well for a healthy and mature sexual relationship between adults

QueenofallIsee · 21/06/2019 19:03

I lied to my ex about smoking. I am not proud of it and the lying was definitely on me....but he, as with you, totally failed to recognise that I lied because to tell the truth was to live with constant judgment and feeling that you were a failure. And yes, that lying made it easier to lie about other things....but he was also culpable. I think you need to ask yourself some hard questions about your attitude to be honest

Turner69 · 21/06/2019 19:14

To be honest I think you're having a bit of an over reaction.

He might have hidden it from you because he's a bit ashamed about smoking, or knows you don't like it and that you'd be unhappy with it.

I think I'd have a conversation with him to say that if he wants to vape then that's fine, he's an adult and can do what he wants, but that you'd rather he was honest about it as you feel uncomfortable with him lying and saying he doesn't.

I do think you should put it in perspective though, it's not exactly the lie of the century. It's a bit of a leap to say that you're wasting your life with him and wish you didn't love him because he lied to you about vaping. My husband hates me smoking and I used to sometimes fib and say I hadn't had one when I had. It didn't mean I was lying about anything else or cheating or anything, if that's reassuring to you.

gamerchick · 21/06/2019 19:17

Tbh I think I would lie to you as well.

If he said outright that he was going to vape as he's an adult and can do so as he wish. Would you be ok with it?

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 21/06/2019 19:19

I’m sorry but I think you’re hugely overreacting - I don’t blame him for lying about vaping but he shouldn’t feel he has to lie about something so relatively minor.

You can disapprove about certain things but you can’t force your partner to toe your line.

GreyCloud0 · 21/06/2019 19:20

He’s lying because you don’t like vaping.

Why can’t he vape?

TheBogWitchIsBack · 21/06/2019 19:22

Sounds very controlling. What is it about the vaping you dislike so much?
He’s a grown man for gods sake. Vaping is a bit odd in my opinion but a lot of people take it really seriously and it’s turned into a hobby type thing that a lot of people seem to enjoy. Where’s the harm in it? I’d rather someone do that than smoked cigarettes.
I’d probably be hiding it from you too if that’s you’re reaction.

DelphiniumBlue · 21/06/2019 19:22

It seems a bit of an overreaction. Why do you care so much about him vaping? Seems a weird thing for him to feel he has to hide from you.
And why were you going through his work bag?
And another question - if you don't have children why are you financially dependent on him? Might Be worth addressing that so that you don't feel forced to stay with him.

PCohle · 21/06/2019 19:23

I also think you're overreacting to be honest.

Is there more context here? Do you have a reason to particularly loathe tobacco? Are there other trust issues?

Bluerussian · 21/06/2019 19:25

Is vaping wrong? I didn't think so. I recognise it was the 'dishonesty' that irked the op but I wouldn't have thought that was beyond her understanding and is certainly no hanging offence.

creamofcarnation · 21/06/2019 19:25

You have issues, this is ridiculous

cocodash · 21/06/2019 19:26

Would you rather he smoked cigarettes? Or took smack?

What the big deal about vaping? No wonder he lied to you if your going off your nut about it.

littlepeaegg · 21/06/2019 19:26

Unless there's a bigger back story to this, I think you're being a little over the top?? It's vaping. Yeah he's lied and that's not great. But he's not lied about anything that seriously really.

He obviously enjoys to vape. Why don't you sit down with him and talk about it? Why not compromise and let him do it when he's not at home etc?

ShakeYourTailFeathers · 21/06/2019 19:26

He's scared of you

Which isn't great.

cocodash · 21/06/2019 19:26

And why were you going through his work bag?

Carpetburns · 21/06/2019 19:31

Oh dear. He's a grown man and you are not his mum. What does it matter that he's vaping? How does it affect you? You can't control every aspect of his life and I think the fact that he feels the need to lie to you is more of a reflection of you than of him. He's clearly worried that you might overreact

RainbowHair · 21/06/2019 19:32

Are you for real or is this a joke?

supersop60 · 21/06/2019 19:36

if you gave me such a hard time, I'd lie too. I'd also want to run away and not phone you.

SavingSpaces2019 · 21/06/2019 19:36

He has performed some spectacular fuck-ups in the past, but I naively believed he had matured and grown past those types of things
I think if you told us what those fuck ups were we might be better able to advise you.

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