Caught my husband lying - again

[wellthisisbollocks]

I'll try to keep this as short as I can. I'm 36, husband 35. Together for 15 years all together, married for nearly 12. No kids. I am, unfortunately, financially dependent on him.

He has performed some spectacular fuck-ups in the past, but I naively believed he had matured and grown past those types of things, until I discovered about 1.5 years ago that he was vaping behind my back, and that he had lied repeatedly to me to cover this up, apparently for around a year.

My faith in him as a person and my trust in him and trust that he was being honest took a real battering, and we only just scraped through. He has told me repeatedly since then that he swears he would never lie to me again following that, that he was not lying now, that he was being totally transparent about everything. I even had a dream about a week back that he was vaping again, and the lying bastard looked me in the eyes and told me he wasn't.

This morning I found a vape pen in his work bag while he was in the shower. I asked him again if he was vaping, he said no. Shat himself when I produced his pen. He then said very little, and practically ran out the door to work. He didn't take his wedding ring, he didn't let me know he got in safe as usual, and he's avoided contact with me all day.

I've gone between feeling incredibly hurt that he deceives me like this, to extreme anger with him for treating me like such a moron (and anger with myself for staying with him) and wondering how the hell it is that my life has come to this. I'm wasting years on a guy I can't trust. If he lies about this, and so readily, I can't trust anything he ever tells me. I love him and I so wish I didn't.

I don't know what to do.

You only just scraped through? Because he was vaping. Oh dear!
OP I get it's the fact that he lied to you but you need to reason why he lied. If your health allows it, if I were you I would get a job, you have far too much time on your hands to sit and think.Get yourself out there and focus on something other tha your husband, it's never good to be financially dependent on someone.

Did the OP ever come back?!

@fedup21 can't say I blame her!

God, when you started I thought you were going to say he was embezzling or had gambled Away the family fortune. No wonder he’s lying to you. He must be terrified of you. Let him have a little vape now and again for heaven’s sake, and be grateful that’s all you’ve got to worry about.

I suspect he vapes / wanks / drinks (insert "naughty" act) to de stress from having to be answerable to the OP on a constant basis. Sounds like they both need to stand back and restart the foundations for their relationship but this time build on mutual respect.

My husband found that I had been vaping again. We have been together for 25 years and when we got together I was 15, smoked and drank strong lager!

When he has found out in the past he shouts and screams that I’m a liar and a druggie.

this time however he spat in my face and shouted about what a lying bastard I am, so the kids could hear how bad I have been.

i am scared to tell him that I enjoy it but we have 3 kids and with the house prices, I’m not sure how I would support us.

I have two stressful jobs and I do it for stress and socialising. The kids have never seen me do it because I feel it’s none of their business.

I can’t go on and cannot understand why he is over reacting. He has said it’s worse than me sleeping with someone else!

i don’t know what to do.

@wellthisisbollocks I know you are getting a lot of “it’s just vaping”, but I understand what you mean about the lying. It might just be vaping, and if so why lie? It makes you think, if he is going to lie about that then what else is he hiding.
I’ve caught my husband out lying, most recently with drugs.
It’s the deceit, has totally broken my trust and made me paranoid when he is now out.

It's been 4 years since she posted the thread so I assume the problems has been sorted 😅

I think you need you ask yourself WHY he's lying about the vaping? What would your reaction have been? I would hate my DH vaping too by the way. Would you have gone on and on about it? I can see a situation where he's keeping it quiet for an easy life.

Oh! Just noticed this is from 2019! And I responded the first time too.

Jesus Christ is that all????
he’s a grown man. Maybe he didn’t tell you because you blow your top all the time at ridiculous things.
i would hate to think how you’d treat him if he did some actually wrong.
thank god you don’t have kids because they’d be next !

FGS ZOMBIE thread from 2019.

It's up to him if he wants to vape. I can see why he lied about it if he feels your going to yell him etc, he's a grown adult and can vape if he wants to. I think you need to understand why he lied to you about it.

You're throwing the baby out with the bathwater on this one OP.

He lied about it to avoid your 'overreaction' and 'judgement' I'm afraid.

If vaping is a dealbreaker for you, then fine, go ahead and don't 'waste' any more of your life on him.

But I suspect it may actually be a bit of a relief for him to be 'freed' from your more unusual 'routines' like reporting in that you've arrived at work ? (because that's simply your anxiety being 'accommodated' too).

ZOMBIE THREAD!!!

OP, that is not good reading.

If you want your marriage to end, you are definitely directing it in the right decision.

If he was my family, I would be questioning him closely if this is the only area of control that he feels.

If it is more than this, I would be advising him to rethink the relationship.

Non vaper here.