Caught my husband lying - again

[wellthisisbollocks]

I'll try to keep this as short as I can. I'm 36, husband 35. Together for 15 years all together, married for nearly 12. No kids. I am, unfortunately, financially dependent on him.

He has performed some spectacular fuck-ups in the past, but I naively believed he had matured and grown past those types of things, until I discovered about 1.5 years ago that he was vaping behind my back, and that he had lied repeatedly to me to cover this up, apparently for around a year.

My faith in him as a person and my trust in him and trust that he was being honest took a real battering, and we only just scraped through. He has told me repeatedly since then that he swears he would never lie to me again following that, that he was not lying now, that he was being totally transparent about everything. I even had a dream about a week back that he was vaping again, and the lying bastard looked me in the eyes and told me he wasn't.

This morning I found a vape pen in his work bag while he was in the shower. I asked him again if he was vaping, he said no. Shat himself when I produced his pen. He then said very little, and practically ran out the door to work. He didn't take his wedding ring, he didn't let me know he got in safe as usual, and he's avoided contact with me all day.

I've gone between feeling incredibly hurt that he deceives me like this, to extreme anger with him for treating me like such a moron (and anger with myself for staying with him) and wondering how the hell it is that my life has come to this. I'm wasting years on a guy I can't trust. If he lies about this, and so readily, I can't trust anything he ever tells me. I love him and I so wish I didn't.

I don't know what to do.

Its the lying not the vaping
He's probably done other stuff too and this is just the final straw. My bloke lies about where he goes, when in reality I don't actually mind where he goes!! Its the lying I can't stand!

I think you’re massively over reacting. It’s vaping, not crack. DH capes but I’m pretty sure he occasionally smokes sometimes at work, I couldn’t care less and I certainly wouldn’t deliver the Spanish Inquisition over it - the poor man probably lies because he’s terrified of doing something else ‘wrong’.

I'd get a job if you can! Why are you financially dependent on him if you have no kids?

There are hundreds of reasons I guess. But a job would be another focus as well as independent income which is never bad!

So if it’s the lying that’s the problem then he doesn’t have to lie to you anymore and vape out in the open, to his heart’s content.

Problem solved right?

Poor bloke-if he wants to ape, let him cape. I presume he’s lying about it because you are being so strange about it.

If he said-‘I’m going to vape from now on’, what would you say?

Why are you financially dependent on him? You are 36 and have no kids. Don’t you work?

yes, he shouldn't lie, but it was like a scooby doo moment you set up there OP.

Just accept that he can vape (even though I agree, it's gross, my bf does it) and 2) get a job!!

Pick your battles op!
Without meaning to sound flippant - if you had a job you wouldn't have time to worry about this .

Poor bloke-if he wants to ape, let him cape.

Vape!!

Poor bloke-if he wants to ape, let him cape.

He obviously lies because you wouldn't accept him vaping. I'd back off, accept he wants to vape and give him some space. We all have to accept things about our partners we don't like. Obviously some things are deal breakers but I wouldn't have thought vaping was so you shouldn't force him in to a situation where he feels he has to lie. He's obviously scared of your reaction to him vaping.

Therapy and a job might be helpful OP

People who are controlled lie because that's the only way they can regain some form of self-esteem.

Lying is bad, but controlling behaviour is much worse.

reading between the lines I think he's financially abusive. I can't think why the op is financially dependent when they have no kids.

Someone above said a lie is a lie but I think there are different levels of lies. Eg you don’t look big in those jeans, or hiding your vaping from a parent is different from lying in court, or cheating on a partner.

Lots of low level lying is bad too though.

You don’t sound happy, neither of you do. It would do my head in to check in with someone each time I travel. Perhaps you can look at getting a job and you can look at being kinder to each other, rather than trying to catch one another out. The situation just now doesn’t sound healthy for either.

HEs lying to you because YOU are being unreasonable what does it matter if he vapes? At least it’s not full on smoking. Grow up

Agreed lying is bad and it’s not unreasonable to have that as a red line. I’m trying to look at this from another angle - perhaps OP is not creepily controlling and she’s actually okay with DH vaping, but he keeps insisting he doesn’t vape, and she keeps catching him at it? Maybe?

It was many lies about trivial stuff that broke my first marriage. It was the lack of respect - the things he was lying about weren’t actually that bad, or at least we could have worked through them - it was that he didn’t trust me with a non-edited version of reality.

I'm in the minority clearly but I agree OP,
lying is the issue. It's the trust that's the problem. He's lying to your face. But you do have to step back and ask why? You both need an honest conversation.

Im financially dependant on my dh no kids-i have MH issues which mean i cant hold down a job

Just to put this into context my stbxh lied for over a year about multiple dating sites and drugs. I’m quite envious yours only lied about vaping!
I am half joking! I get why you are annoyed about the lies, you begin to second guess everything they say.
He probably hid it because he knew you’d g mad about it! I think you need to sit down and have a calm talk about why he lied and maybe try to accept the vaping....it could be a lot worse!

Why are you financially dependent on him if you don't have kids? There must be some back story here...

I agree that I would be very upset if OH lied to me, but the fact it's about vaping means the whole argument is rather disproportionate.

Gabsalot - Im financially dependant on my dh no kids-i have MH issues which mean i cant hold down a job

Yes, i wondered if it might be something like that for OP too. It could be relevant to the dynamics of her relationship, and that she needs to be able to have complete faith in her OH.

Why are you financially dependent on him? I am expecting a massive drip feed there.
Lying is the cardinal sin in our relationship. So in part, I understand. But it seems like such a strange relationship currently that almost gets lost in it. It does sound controlling and then I kind can of understand why he would and why he would lie to you.

I'm principle though I agree lying is wrong, but it really isn't as simple as that by the sounds of it.

My ex lied to the point of ridiculous which destroyed trust but why can’t he vape ?

I had issues with my ex smoking and sleeping in the same room as my baby due to increased risk of cot death but I can’t think of a single reason why vaping is an issue for you?

Have you applied for pip? If you are unable to work?

Erm....well The way you're reacting is as if he's stolen, or cheated, or commited fraud or something, but if it's that horrifically serious to you then, leave him I guess? Kind of feel sorry for him though, what's so wrong with vaping?

I’d like to think I’d be upfront with you in the same position but if you were going to get all chewed up over me vaping, I’d lie to you too because I couldn’t be bothered with moaning. I’m just not virtuous enough to tolerate being bitched at about something that’s my business alone.

Yabu.