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Original poster

Caught my husband lying - again

141 replies

wellthisisbollocks · 21/06/2019 18:27

I'll try to keep this as short as I can. I'm 36, husband 35. Together for 15 years all together, married for nearly 12. No kids. I am, unfortunately, financially dependent on him.

He has performed some spectacular fuck-ups in the past, but I naively believed he had matured and grown past those types of things, until I discovered about 1.5 years ago that he was vaping behind my back, and that he had lied repeatedly to me to cover this up, apparently for around a year.

My faith in him as a person and my trust in him and trust that he was being honest took a real battering, and we only just scraped through. He has told me repeatedly since then that he swears he would never lie to me again following that, that he was not lying now, that he was being totally transparent about everything. I even had a dream about a week back that he was vaping again, and the lying bastard looked me in the eyes and told me he wasn't.

This morning I found a vape pen in his work bag while he was in the shower. I asked him again if he was vaping, he said no. Shat himself when I produced his pen. He then said very little, and practically ran out the door to work. He didn't take his wedding ring, he didn't let me know he got in safe as usual, and he's avoided contact with me all day.

I've gone between feeling incredibly hurt that he deceives me like this, to extreme anger with him for treating me like such a moron (and anger with myself for staying with him) and wondering how the hell it is that my life has come to this. I'm wasting years on a guy I can't trust. If he lies about this, and so readily, I can't trust anything he ever tells me. I love him and I so wish I didn't.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
pictish · 22/06/2019 12:13

I mean if the choice is lie or get bitched at...well...I’m going to lie or we’re going to fall out.

Nyon · 22/06/2019 12:20

I really really can’t understand why your relationship took such a battering over vaping last year. In all honesty, you do sound controlling and you might want to evaluate if that’s truly the worst thing that can happen in a relationship.

ladamanera · 22/06/2019 12:21

Get a job. Your partner and monitoring his life is not your job.

Work12 · 22/06/2019 12:34

Wowwww

milksoffagain · 22/06/2019 12:48

Well done judgeypants people you've scared off the OP!!

It's the pattern of deception, the fact he has to prove himself trustworthy and instead of being an adult he's bothering to lie about something so pointlessly silly she must want to strangle him. I don't imagine she actually cares about the vaping itself. She just doesn't want to be lied to AGAIN because the respect she has for him is just dripping away until soon there will be nothing left.

We both gave up smoking when we got married 30 years ago. He would sometimes smoke at parties - I never could because I have an addictive personality so I'd have been back to full time smoking again. Didn't bother me whether he smoked or not and I was probably a bit jealous he was able smoke socially if anything. We've split up now and towards the end he was hiding and smoking in bushes!!! As reported to me by the kids but I wasn't bothered - just a bit puzzled as it is such a weird thing for a grown man to do. Now he smokes full time, as does DD but he won't admit it!!! She has interpreted that as Dad is not honest and she can't respect him or trust what he says. Ridiculous thing is it is a pattern in their family - FIL and other brother both smokers, both pretending to each other that they don't smoke. It is actually sad. It seems to be about the way they want the world to perceive them and boy, am I glad to be out of their weird family dynamics!

Closetbeanmuncher · 22/06/2019 12:48

I can't imagine that this bodes well for a healthy and mature sexual relationship between adults

This with bells on!

Did you also just post another thread about him having a semi during a film and you took offence because the breasts were smaller than yours!??

milksoffagain · 22/06/2019 12:51

Get off her case!! Of course it doesn't bode well because, duh, THE TRUST IS GONE!!!!

pictish · 22/06/2019 12:52

Wait...this is semi-during-a-film poster? Yeah I’m not equipped to appropriately deal. I’m out.

1forAll74 · 22/06/2019 12:56

This must be a joke. No wonder he fibs a bit,you sound very controlling.You may end up losing him if you don't back off a bit.

Aberforthsgoat · 22/06/2019 12:58

So many threads at the moment where the OP doesn’t get the responses they were obviously hoping for so disappears, never to be seen again.

Closetbeanmuncher · 22/06/2019 13:30

The original post does have a controlling undertone but im waiting for the backstory (if there is one).

katy78 · 22/06/2019 13:52

OP I’ve been you. I’ve been the person who had massive over-reactions to discovering my dp had been smoking. Who threw a tantrum because he wanted a cigar when he graduated. This transferred into other areas. Like trying to dictate how much he could spend on gambling, or not letting him do a hobby with a woman I believed had feelings from him after some questionable texts. It took an emotional affair at work that I discovered by accident to make me realise I can’t control him. All I can do is accept his choices and walk away if they aren’t right for me. Yes I can express if I have concerns but not in a dictator like way. For example with the woman and hobby I could say I am a bit worried but it’s not up to me to set HIS boundaries or tell him what to do? Because the result is he stops being open with me, like he did with the colleague at work he had the emotional affair with.
Don’t be me. Don’t learn the hard way. He’s already on that path as he has started lying to you. You are entirely culpable for those lies because you have created such a hostile environment he literally has NO CHOICE.
You must accept he is an adult he can make his own decisions and if you don’t like it you walk away you don’t DICTATE. You don’t get ANGRY and you don’t throw TANTRUMS.

boosterrooster · 22/06/2019 14:07

I get where you're coming from. The silly trivial lies are really frustrating. And while vaping is not the worst thing in the world, it's horrible being lied to in any way shape or form. You mention his fuck ups in the past, did they cause you to lose trust? And now the smaller lies about things like vaping piss you off? more than most people one here can understand? I understand love, and it's shit!

I've been going through similar on and off for years with my DH except my husband sneaks around smoking weed, not vaping, and like you, he lies through his teeth about it until I catch him red handed.
Ive been going to bed early most nights for the past 3-4 months as I'm pregnant and exhausted and he's been staying out after work smoking weed with a young guy that reports into him at work. I just happened to be up late with our son last night and was there when he walked in, stoned out of his mind. It disgusts me, I worry about his job and how bad that would look with indulging in drugs with a younger employee. I think it's immature and detest the smell of it but what really bugs me is him driving home stoned on a route where the police regularly pull people over for random drink and drug testing.

I'm talking about a highly educated, 37 year old father of 1 child, with our second baby due in September.

I've tried to avoid being controlling, he has lots of freedom and I actually said to him a while back - look if you have to do it and cannot quit weed for good then please just just get a taxi home instead of driving and don't make a daily thing of it or bring it into our home - but no, he prefers to sneak around and lie, even when I feel that I am being fair/understanding/trying not to control him.

So I'm in your shoes. He also had fuck ups in the past; lying, cheating, and forever trying to convince me that I was the one with a problem. Like a fool I stuck around, I take responsibility for that, I was stupid. But I'm at the end of my tether and want to separate. As I am sick of being lied to and disrespected no matter how small or trivial the lie. I can't split from him just yet as my father is terminally ill and I don't want to cause my family any more upset at moment and I am pregnant with our 2nd child so currently trying to figure out how we can/will remain together for another while longer.

So long story short, I disagree with what most of the posters have said. Even a small trivial lie can be damaging, especially when repeated over and over.

Good luck with everything Thanks

Charlieandthechocolatecake · 22/06/2019 14:43

You are beyond unreasonable and hugely controlling.

As PP's have said, I hope there is a back story to this. However, if there isn't, I think you need to look at yourself. You've no kids, why are you financially dependent on him? Assuming you are disabled/unable to work for whatever reason I strongly recommend counselling.

I really do feel for you, to have such a negative reaction to something so minor, I can only imagine anything more serious than vaping will destroy your mental health.

I hope you come back and update us all.

Charlieandthechocolatecake · 22/06/2019 14:44

Actually, I'm hoping this is a reverse. If so, LTB.

loveya · 22/06/2019 16:28

I keep asking my partner when he is going to start vaping... he has been a smoker for 17ish years and we're expecting our first child and he promised he would stop smoking tabacco and start vaping because the smoke wouldn't cling to his clothes and everything anymore...

You're being very over dramatic about him vaping... what is it that you have against it?

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 22/06/2019 20:02

@thisisaload - I understand where you are coming from.

I can't stand fibbers, it just gets bloody tiring because in the end you simply can't trust them about anything however how big or small the issue is.

I don't know if you are controlling - probably not, and your reaction is very likely due to the fuck-ups in the past that you didn't know about/kept to himself (I am guessing here as haven't read the whole thread), and this is just the icing on the cake.

Personally for me, I would much rather he was man enough to fess-up to it and do it, than pretend he wasn't and lie about it.

Winterlife · 22/06/2019 22:19

You should be asking yourself why he thinks he has to lie. Obviously it’s because of what he believes your reaction will be.

Treat him as the adult he is and he won’t lie.

Finally, if this is your biggest issue you’re blessed.

user1481840227 · 22/06/2019 23:03

I'm assuming that because there was no explanation for what the issue was with his vaping that caused him to lie that the OP really is at it seems, and he's really just not allowed to vape and the OP sees it as a massive issue.

Very strange

JQBased · 23/06/2019 11:16

Is he vaping crack? I don't see what the problem is and it's not healthy that your husband is so terrified of you!

Aarghineedaname · 23/06/2019 12:30

I have to agree with the other pp- you do sound controlling.

Why were you going through his work bag?

dragonway · 24/06/2019 09:17

Vaping isn’t smoking though is it? I’d find it hard to get worked up about this to be honest. If he was doing it around kids then sure. Time to have a conversation but if this is the only thing wrong in your marriage then you really need to reel your head in and start appreciating what you have. You sound like you have problems OP. Why are you financially dependent on him? You don’t have kids. Why aren’t you working. Unless there’s a huge backstory that I’ve missed you sound like a controlling parasite. Not only are you living a work free life at his good grace you also want to tell him he can’t vape. Feeling pretty sorry for the guy right now.

BeenThereDone · 24/06/2019 09:53

Get a fucking grip!! Seriously have you that little to worry about. Fucking vaping...

YouJustDoYou · 24/06/2019 10:45

Is he vaping crack?
😂

smallereveryday · 24/06/2019 12:33

Perhaps if he didn't have the additional stress of supporting another grown adult - then he wouldn't feel the need to vape. !

Stop being 'financially dependent ' on him and look to yourself. Get busy, get working. Earn some money and you won't have so much time to stress over ridiculous issues

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