Caught my husband lying - again

[wellthisisbollocks]

I'll try to keep this as short as I can. I'm 36, husband 35. Together for 15 years all together, married for nearly 12. No kids. I am, unfortunately, financially dependent on him.

He has performed some spectacular fuck-ups in the past, but I naively believed he had matured and grown past those types of things, until I discovered about 1.5 years ago that he was vaping behind my back, and that he had lied repeatedly to me to cover this up, apparently for around a year.

My faith in him as a person and my trust in him and trust that he was being honest took a real battering, and we only just scraped through. He has told me repeatedly since then that he swears he would never lie to me again following that, that he was not lying now, that he was being totally transparent about everything. I even had a dream about a week back that he was vaping again, and the lying bastard looked me in the eyes and told me he wasn't.

This morning I found a vape pen in his work bag while he was in the shower. I asked him again if he was vaping, he said no. Shat himself when I produced his pen. He then said very little, and practically ran out the door to work. He didn't take his wedding ring, he didn't let me know he got in safe as usual, and he's avoided contact with me all day.

I've gone between feeling incredibly hurt that he deceives me like this, to extreme anger with him for treating me like such a moron (and anger with myself for staying with him) and wondering how the hell it is that my life has come to this. I'm wasting years on a guy I can't trust. If he lies about this, and so readily, I can't trust anything he ever tells me. I love him and I so wish I didn't.

I don't know what to do.

I think you’re possibly overreacting too, unless a drip feed is coming 😬

This has got to be a windup... I hope it’s a windup. Poor man if it’s for real!

There has to be more to this?? He is an adult, you have to treat him like one not like a child you control. If he wants to vape, he vapes. My husband smoked and I hated it but I also didn't want him to tell me I couldn't have a glass or wine or cut back on the coffee I drunk. You can tell him why you don't like it and understand why he does. But you can't have such a tantrum about this the way you have.

Has he messed up massively in the past and now has to explain his every move? I feel like there’s a lot more to this than some vaping. Are you monitoring him to keep him in line? Sounds like slippery slope :(

Going along with other posters I’m afraid, it’s ridiculous that he has to lie to you. I can remember doing this as a child to save myself a rollicking from my mother for some very, very minor misdemeanour.
I hated lying and always had a sick feeling in my stomach. I’m sure your husband feels the same.
Just give him some slack and stop controlling him.

I opened this thread thinking it was going to be some awful tale of heartache and woe caused by some unfaithful bastard. But... secret vaping? Really? I have a friend who hid her vaping from her partner for 2.5 years! He found out eventually and, because he’s pretty normal, wasn’t particularly bothered.

Hahaha what have I just read!!

You sound like a proper nutcase, I would be lying to you too Jesus Christ.

Is there a backstory here?
You obviously don’t like him vaping but he’s an adult - why do you feel you can tell him what to do.
This all sounds a little odd

I get you OP. Getting this upset about a silly vape thing is not the issue. Its the blatant and repeated lying to your face which makes you question what else he could lie about. Especially if he has form for it. And that he respects you so little to lie to your face. My DH used to be like this. Turns out its because he thought of me as his mother. Once we worked on that and started being equals he doesn't pull this childish shit any more.

Missing the point of the thread but why are you financially dependent on him?

If you don't work and are able to maybe a job would help reduce all this time you have on your hands to worry about his habits.

The 'dream' you had about his vaping and then the confrontation followed by him running out of the house all sound very dramatic and stressful for you both.

Why are you financially dependent on him?

Why is a grown ass man having to lie and sneak around over a legal habit?

this has to be a wind up.

Why is it upto you if he vapes? He's an adult.. You sound massively controlling

Frankly OP, you're lucky he stays with you. I wouldn't.

If vaping is worse than his ‘spectacular’ fuckups, then you are a massive drama queen and controller.
he didn't let me know he got in safe as usual,
He’s an adult not 5, I’m surprised he’s put up with you this long 🙄

You are obviously upset and I don’t want to sound mean but you honestly sound bat shit.
I smoked in secret for the end of my marriage because like a poster up thread the judgement and Criticism was over whelming. As was him controlling so much of my life.
Hence why I left.

The issue is your controlling behaviour

I drive on the motorway to work every morning, it's never once crossed my mind to let anyone know I'm there safely, why on earth would anyone need to do that?!

Leave the poor chap alone and mind your own business about the vaping!

Ok... there has to be more to this, right?!

I know it’s the lying and not the actual caping, but I do question why he’s feeling the new to lie about it.. what would you have done if he’d just simply said. ‘I’m going to continue to vape’

The issue is your controlling behaviour

Yep. He is too scared to be honest with you, by the sound of it.

So, he travels long distances to work to earn enough to support the both of you and his crime is he vapes and doesn't tell you because you go apeshit.
What's in the relationship for him?

PMK for dripfeed

Que OP not returning.