DH seems to have lost the plot and I can't cope anymore. Please help.

[fgsnotagain]

I'll try and keep this brief. I need help and advice, not to LTB, it isn't that easy.

DH had a terrible upbringing, as did I, we met at 18 and put it behind us. At the time I thought we were working hard for shared goals, now I see I was pulling him along the whole time.
I have my own business, we own a nice home, we have 2 teenage DC doing very well and should be able to enjoy what we have worked so hard for. Just at the time I am ready to start enjoying what I have worked so hard for, DH seems to have lost the plot.
There are 3 aspects to this:

1. Catastrophising and constantly saying 'everything is so shit', he hates everyone and everything.
2. Saying he will do things and not doing them. eg the dishwasher breaks, I start looking for a new one, he says he'll do it. Then doesn't. He does this with everything. When it is pointed out becomes very angry and has a tantrum about the expectations on him.
3. Tantrums. He has these when he is confronted with his false promises or when he feels under pressure. A recent example, we went to the cinema and accidentally sat in the wrong seats (one along from where we should be). A kindly woman approached and told him he was in her seat, rather than apologise and ask us to move along he jumped up glared at me and ran out. I text him telling him off and he reappeared furious 10 minutes later. He does this regularly, often when we are in the car. It has become a sore point with the DC who do not trust him.

He has had mental health problems, both genetic and as a result of early childhood experiences all his life. He has depression and has been on medication for 15 years. He has refused any attempt to recover. When he has counselling he licks his wounds and gives a completely false impression of his life so it has actually made him worse.

I love this man. We have a co dependant relationship and he has, sadly, treated me badly since we met. I realise this now. He has been a millstone. I have cared for him and done everything for him and he has treated me very unkindly. He has lost all of his friends and is alone apart from me and DC and yet sabotages these relationships.

DM describes him as 'hard work'. He doesn't see his own family and people avoid him. He can be fun, he is very talented and could contribute a huge amount but doesn't. When he can contribute - eg offer to drive when we go out or offer to do a task - he has a tantrum or lets me down.

My behaviour is now poor. I am incredibly frustrated. I don't let it go, ever. I feel burdened and like I have carried him for 26 years. I work 50-60 hours a week, do everything for DC and have responsibility for every aspect of our lives. I cannot go on like this.

For some utterly stupid reason, at request of DS, I booked a very nice holiday this summer, this is despite me promising myself I would not take him away again (he does nothing to the point that one one, now legendary occasion, he didn't even know what country we were in).

I need help to cope with him and not lose my rag. I want to get thru the holiday without calling him a useless twat and crying. I know I shouldn't put up with it, I never should have.

I know I have to sort my life out, I don't need telling to LTB, I need advice on managing my behaviour and avoiding family meltdown so we can enjoy this holiday.

Thank you for any advice, I am sorry it is so long.

Oh my goodness. I'm sorry. All I can say is; if you could accomplish all that you say you did, with him as a millstone... imagine what you could do without him! And that's all I'll say about leaving.

Wrt the holiday; grey rock. That's my only advice. Do not allow him to create any emotion in you. Again, I'm sorry.

Your DH needs to accept that happiness is a choice. We CHOOSE to be happy. The biggest mistake people make (I used to make) is thinking that happiness is round the corner and we wait for it. No, we make daily actions in order to be happy.

What is that wonderful Julia Roberts quote?

"Women, you are not rehabilitation centres for badly raised men. It's not your job to fix him, change him, parent or raise him. You want a partner, not a project"

If you don't want to hear LTB - the BEST advice I can give you (it literally changed my life), is go to an Al Anon or other co dependent 12 Steps group. Keep looking until you find the one that talks to you. Go to several a week if you need to hold on to your serenity.

It is a spiritual gift. It is FREE group therapy. If is the only programme I know that teaches you to put the focus on to yourself, and mind your own business. ie, all other people to be who they need to be whilst detaching with love.

The 12 Steps is a blueprint for a co dependent on how to let go of anxiety and live an authentic, integrity filled life. It doesn't matter what life throws at you, personally, family, friendship or business - 12 Steps covers it.

Does he have to come on holiday with you?

PS your points 2. and 3. are very much about Shame. Toxic shame is a life killer.

The key to toxic shame is self soothing (self parenting). There is The Big Red Book (Adult children of alcoholic and dysfunctional families) that is dedicated to helping people overcome their distorted thinking. The Laundry List:

The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”
We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
Tony A., 1978
Note: The Laundry List serves as the basis for The Problem statement.
The Flip Side of The Laundry List
We move out of isolation and are not unrealistically afraid of other people, even authority
We do not depend on others to tell us who we are.
We are not automatically frightened by angry people and no longer regard personal criticism as a threat.
We do not have a compulsive need to recreate abandonment.
We stop living life from the standpoint of victims and are not attracted by this trait in our important relationships.
We do not use enabling as a way to avoid looking at our own shortcomings.
We do not feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves.
We avoid emotional intoxication and choose workable relationships instead of constant upset.
We are able to distinguish love from pity, and do not think “rescuing” people we “pity” is an act of love.
We come out of denial about our traumatic childhoods and regain the ability to feel and express our emotions.
We stop judging and condemning ourselves and discover a sense of self-worth.
We grow in independence and are no longer terrified of abandonment. We have interdependent relationships with healthy people, not dependent relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable.
The characteristics of alcoholism and para-alcoholism we have internalized are identified, acknowledged, and removed.
We are actors, not reactors.

yes. can't you go on holiday without him. why doesn't he socialise with work colleagues. he might make some friends. I would find this stifling, depending on you for a social life.

I like that Julia Roberts quote.

Surely you can see that you've done enough. It is now up to him. And maybe making him stand on his own two feet, without you bailing him out, might be the making of him.

And yes, to the question about him going on holiday with you. Does he have to? Does he want to?

You don’t feel like you’re in a place to leave at the moment and that’s absolutely fine, if you’re not there you’re not there.

Honestly, my advice to you is to get some form of counselling. I honestly think if you do it will be a game changer for you.
Not only will it help you with the day to day stuff and coping with the holiday and mood swings etc, it will help you see things properly and hopefully you’ll realise you aren’t co dependent on your dh at all because you’ve been the one doing everything all along.

This is awful, op. You may not want to hear LTB, but that's exactly what you need to do. You have GOT to get away from this man before he completely breaks you. Your entire post just screams that you are a woman at breaking point. This can not continue. 26 years is enough of a sentence. Don't waste your entire life in this misery.

Leave him at home? See what life would be like without him.

I have had counselling and have been told I have done too much and can't continue without jeopardising my own health. I know I cannot continue.

His parents are alcoholics. They are awful people. His father has the 'running away' tantrums and has as long as I've known him. I am
NC with them and DH is teatotal. I drink occasionally. He often behaves badly after assuring me he doesn't mind me having a drink. EG went to theatre as a family. I had 2 glasses of wine. On the way home he asked me 'which way' then accused me of being drunk when I didn't know. (Id never been there before and assumed he was using google maps as his phones was facing him on the dash)

His latest is
'I haven't been given the information'
He isolated himself and then says we don't tell him things.

I can grey rock for so long and then I snap. I need to be calm.

The holiday is quite adventurous, very much for dc. I have arthritis and struggle with a lot of driving.

I wish I wasn't such a fool, I seem to think I can change him or wish he'll see, and he won't.

You need therapy I think. To help you with what you're getting out of this deeply damaging relationship. What is it like for your kids who don't trust their dad and can't rely on him?

Re the holiday, grey rock, or even better, leave him at home.

Sorry x-posted.

No he won't, and he'll get worse what's more.

You need to leave him for the sake of the children. It’s so unfair that the innocent members of a family, that have no choice of what kind of home they have, are being brought up in this.

I'm scared of being alone. I know I am happier and can cope with it him.
He has no one now and says he'll lull himself if I he has to leave. I know it's abusive but it scares me. FIL used to drive off drunk saying he'd kill him self, why does DH seem to be turning into a man he hates

Yup, Adult Child (of an Alcoholic). The damage of alcoholism into the next generation, even though you don't pick up a drink.

Maybe you could speak to him firmly about needed to go to an ACA group?
In there he will find himself not alone. For the first time he would be surrounded by people who tell his story back to him in absolute understanding. It is a huge comfort to be understood. Because ACA also (gently) tells people to take responsibility as well.

This psychologist on YouTube is quite helpful:

Who is more important to you, OP, this manipulative, gaslighting husband who is blackmailing you to make you stay, or your children that have no choice but to stay?

You're already alone, op. Alone in a miserable marriage. Your life doesn't have to be like this, and these bullshit threats of suicide are just another form of abuse to control you.

Is your loneliness more important that your children’s right to be free from this messed up relationship?

I know it's not fair on dc. He was the best father to them when they were small and was the main carer. He can't deal with them now they see his faults. I ignored how he treated me because he gave them undivided attention and unconditional love

Urgh, if your DC were younger I’d truly wonder if you were the now DW of my XH.

I know you don’t want to leave him so you have one option only and that’s Grey Rock and variations therein.

As @ScreamingLadySutch says please get yourself to a 12 step support group: PLEASE type “Al-Anon near me” into Google as you need the support to cope with the adult child of alcoholics.

Personally the thing that made me split from XH was that I woke up one day and thought that the stress of maintaining the (toxically) relationship would without question shorten my life.

I didn’t want to put myself in the firing line of dying early. That’s all I’ll say to you x

It is my intention to separate eventually. Please don't say I am mistreating my children. I have devoted my entire life to focus on them and give them security. They are both very well, mentally and physically and are the centre of my life.

Thank you for all your thoughts. I really appreciate it

You cannot make him happy or make him ready to accept help (via counselling/therapies etc). He has to want to do these things for himself.

What a waste of your life and how exhausting for you. How terrible for your children. Teach them better or they will carry this through to their own relationships - is this what you want for them?

You are strong get than you think - you've done everything for the last 26 years anyway.

You and your children deserve so much more.

You will be sacrificing yourself and your children's future happy relationships by continuing in this extremely unhealthy relationship.

Leave him at home. Just go early to the airport and leave him behind. ring him and say sorry see you in a week or whatever.

When you get home build a granny flat and put him to live there. Give him his own washing machine small cooker etc and talk to him about visitation rights to see kids.

Distance yourself until times when you want/need his company.

Separate beds might be a good start along with getting him to live his own life by cooking and cleaning for himself.

Stop depending on him for anything as you very clearly don't need him despite what you may think and taking some initiative might help you feel stronger.