DH seems to have lost the plot and I can't cope anymore. Please help.

[fgsnotagain]

I'll try and keep this brief. I need help and advice, not to LTB, it isn't that easy.

DH had a terrible upbringing, as did I, we met at 18 and put it behind us. At the time I thought we were working hard for shared goals, now I see I was pulling him along the whole time.
I have my own business, we own a nice home, we have 2 teenage DC doing very well and should be able to enjoy what we have worked so hard for. Just at the time I am ready to start enjoying what I have worked so hard for, DH seems to have lost the plot.
There are 3 aspects to this:

1. Catastrophising and constantly saying 'everything is so shit', he hates everyone and everything.
2. Saying he will do things and not doing them. eg the dishwasher breaks, I start looking for a new one, he says he'll do it. Then doesn't. He does this with everything. When it is pointed out becomes very angry and has a tantrum about the expectations on him.
3. Tantrums. He has these when he is confronted with his false promises or when he feels under pressure. A recent example, we went to the cinema and accidentally sat in the wrong seats (one along from where we should be). A kindly woman approached and told him he was in her seat, rather than apologise and ask us to move along he jumped up glared at me and ran out. I text him telling him off and he reappeared furious 10 minutes later. He does this regularly, often when we are in the car. It has become a sore point with the DC who do not trust him.

He has had mental health problems, both genetic and as a result of early childhood experiences all his life. He has depression and has been on medication for 15 years. He has refused any attempt to recover. When he has counselling he licks his wounds and gives a completely false impression of his life so it has actually made him worse.

I love this man. We have a co dependant relationship and he has, sadly, treated me badly since we met. I realise this now. He has been a millstone. I have cared for him and done everything for him and he has treated me very unkindly. He has lost all of his friends and is alone apart from me and DC and yet sabotages these relationships.

DM describes him as 'hard work'. He doesn't see his own family and people avoid him. He can be fun, he is very talented and could contribute a huge amount but doesn't. When he can contribute - eg offer to drive when we go out or offer to do a task - he has a tantrum or lets me down.

My behaviour is now poor. I am incredibly frustrated. I don't let it go, ever. I feel burdened and like I have carried him for 26 years. I work 50-60 hours a week, do everything for DC and have responsibility for every aspect of our lives. I cannot go on like this.

For some utterly stupid reason, at request of DS, I booked a very nice holiday this summer, this is despite me promising myself I would not take him away again (he does nothing to the point that one one, now legendary occasion, he didn't even know what country we were in).

I need help to cope with him and not lose my rag. I want to get thru the holiday without calling him a useless twat and crying. I know I shouldn't put up with it, I never should have.

I know I have to sort my life out, I don't need telling to LTB, I need advice on managing my behaviour and avoiding family meltdown so we can enjoy this holiday.

Thank you for any advice, I am sorry it is so long.

@fgsnotagain take great care of yourself.

Promise, the Al Anon or ACA groups will help you not to snap.

You will find yourself treating him more kindly and compassionately, whilst, surprisingly, having firmer boundaries (like leaving the room or walking away from him).

Have you considered telling him to fuck off and make somebody else's life miserable?

It's not as if he's going to be any more horrible than he is already, after all.

and I bet you'd feel a hell of a lot better when you're not holding that in all the fucking time

you keep dwelling on him OP and why he does things. You need to focus on yourself. You can only change yourself - not him. You can only understand yourself.

Counselling

And get out for your children's sakes if not yours. No he won't leave, so you leave and take them with you. When you're away from him, you'll see this for the abuse it really is.

If your looking at PDA have you looked at avoidant personality disorder, not on the autism spectrum. However I think it’s dangerous to try to self diagnose and your DH May see it as criticism rather than an attempt at helpful insight.

I think when you take a step back, he is.just your common or garden selfish manchild, enabled by a strong, amazing woman. He doesn't need to take responsibility for himself or his happiness - that's your job. I had one of those. I wish, wish, wish I'd not wasted so many years on that poor excuse for a human being.

Thanks for all the advice. I have a lot to think about.

My last holiday with ex was very much 'grey rock ' I planned my day with the kids whether he engaged or not was up to him. I chose when we ate and often early evening so i could put our young son to bed and sit on the balcony with my book. He was distant and removed and i can hardly remember him on that holiday now. It's a state of mind, get yourself into similar, be polite and keep busy (or not) Just away from him as much as possible. Take walks with the kids, keep fit in the pool, boat trips, you get the idea.

This is really pitiful-you dion't THINK you DESERVE happiness or to be an individual person apart from your family,do you? You can't fill up other people's buckets if yours is empty! Your post screams a need for external validation-perhaps because your husband cannot/won't give you any? Really step back and accept that you deserve peace and happiness

Promise yourself from this point onwards you will be kind to yourself. You owe it to yourself. Book yourself a week away - just you, on your own.
Go on that holiday - just you and your children.

If you cannot help yourself you cannot help anyone else.

That's why airlines insist you put the oxygen mask on yourself before trying to help anyone else.

You do realise you have enabled him to treat you badly because you have no boundaries as to what is acceptable and what isn't.

He has been able to crank up the heinous behaviour because he doesn't care or love you, he is jealous and resentful of you and you accept his version of you by being a sitting duck to whatever he dishes out.

You are toxic to each other. You are very bad for him and you are ruining his life by allowing his dysfunction to infect and impact upon so many others by having no line he can cross.

Do you think by allowing a nasty old dog to bite and intimidate all the other dogs, innocent puppies included, is healthy and good for that dog?

You are the only one who can solve the situation op and for years you have put the love of your house and your image of a successful businesswoman over and above dealing with the radioactive, toxic waste coming from within your home.

Perhaps view him as a rabid dog, to be avoided at all costs. Call a family meeting and draw up the agenda on Dad's behaviour and ask each child what they would like to see happen.

Get outside help. Set up CTV cameras and record his tantrums and get your DC to record him too. Tell him this is what you are all going to do and you are building evidence as there is zero tolerance from now on.

Ring woman's aid and the domestic abuse department of your police force and encourage your DC to talk about it at their school.

Don't keep it a secret any longer. Put your energy and intelligence into solving the problem now that your business is successful you need to devote proper time and energy into solving your DH/ their dad problem.

Turn it into a family project. Operation Toxic Dad.

I would be very concerned he might turn very nasty which is why you should get legal and domestic abuse advice.

Anyway, the boiling frog analogy comes to mind. Your DH has been turning up the heat and only now you feel you cannot cope anymore, despite it being years and years ago when he crossed the line.

It's never to late and the future is bright if you want it op!

Don't try and do it alone. Tell everyone you trust and get back up sorted.

Time to do what is right. You and your DC's mental health must come first now.

Start by saying to him you realise you are toxic to each other and because you bring out the worst in him and him you, time to draw up a plan.

It might be wise to read up what forensic pathologists say about what men can do to women when there is seething jealousy and resentment in the relationship.

There was a recent Ask Me Anything thread from one which made sobering reading.

Can you link to that thread @prettyvase thanks

Not sure how long the AMA threads last @paulholly but it was here on MN in the spring x

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/3562131-Im-a-forensic-pathologist-AMA

Women often put up with heinous behaviour for years and have no plans on leaving despite the behaviour escalating.

Taken from the thread: What is the hardest part of a job like that? Can you effectively remove yourself from the victim as a live person and the corpse?

I think trying to get your head around how some people (men really - I can count on one hand the number of female murderers I've had in cases I've known or been involved in) can be so violent and full of hatred to do such things to another person

So many of the behaviours you have described OP were mine and my XH’s, it’s like looking in a mirror. I coped until the day I finally ended it by going Grey Rock, and this should work on your holiday if he goes with you.

I do recommend counselling for you ASAP because all those years of emotional detachment (except from my DC and my dogs) have left me emotionally unavailable, and I’m happy but struggling to move on. Try to LTB as soon as you can but your real focus should be on you as a person. Very best of luck 💐

YOU: Your Intention is to separate eventually - this is unfair and cruel. You have no right to waste and manage a person's life.

HIM: He's an extreme passive aggressive. You can't help him, it won't get better. In fact, the one thing that might help is if you exit the dynamic.

ILLUSION: Sunken investment. A relationship is not a house - it does not gather equity the longer you stay in it. You don't lose 'equity' by leaving.

SOLUTION: Stop bleating, stop prevaricating and get out. It might be the best thing that happens to him, and it most certainly will be for you.

lynnenamka.com/anger-management/anger-management-articles/the-boomerang-relationship/

Last comment about 12 Steps (promise!)

Its amazing how clear everything becomes. I talked about boundaries becoming clearer, whilst you become kinder and more compassionate.

Therefore, it just becomes so easy to say calmly and kindly 'we are going to the cinema /on holiday and you are not coming'. And kindly but clearly allowing them to feel the consequences of their own behaviour, however much they scream and cry.

One of the sayings is 'put your own oxygen mask on before you attend to others'.
And in this place of FOCUS ON SELF/SELF CARE, you see very clearly that a place of clarity and lack of drama on holiday is extremely important for your well being; and that you are NOT punishing him for saying he is not allowed to mess that up.
And when you say it kindly without reaction or punishment, without being confused by fear (that he will kill himself when you are gone - he might [but highly unlikely]) obligation (I must make him happy) or guilt (truly truly accepting I am Powerless) - it all becomes extremely clear for everyone.

And, IN THAT SPACE of clarity and kindness - he might shift.

But again, you have to Mind Your Own Business on that outcome, as he has the right to be and do whatever he needs to be and do, you just to let go and let God.

Great post prettyvase.
Screaming lady - I too am a fellow ACA - it is sooooo helpful but people need to be ready to change.
OP - you have done your best - can you now see he won’t change AND the responsibility is not up to you.
Perhaps your boundaries haven’t been clear to what YOUR expectations are.
I’m so pleased your intherapy - it will help YOU - it’s not for him it’s for you.
He is a very damaged individual and he will really struggle to change - in fact it will take a lot out of you to have tha patient and tolerance to support him.
He’s deeply troubled.
I’m sure you have done a great job with your kids. However, he is not being part of the family.
He’s isolating himself, being critical and abusive. He’s not a good father.
Yes go to Alanon and look up CODA for codependency groups and also ACA - you can get help for you.
You have carried a lot of responsibility - for shit that wasn’t yours.
It’s time to look after you and put your oxygen mask on.
I wish you well.
🌺

I think you may have lost some with the 'God' bit at the end SLS!

Just to clarify: 12 step is not religious - 'God', or god, is a generalised higher power, a power greater than ourselves. So 12 step is a spiritual programme, not a religious programme.

Thanks to everyone who has offered constructive advice I have taken it on board and will do some research.

Those who have posted nasty comments accusing me of abusing my DC and DH really need to ask yourselves why you are doing this to someone who is clearly struggling with their self esteem.

Thanks again, especially to the kind posters who DM'd me.

The word God in 12 Step programmes can mean anything you choose.

I'm a long time sober alcoholic (30 years - did an AMA on it) and in AA people sometimes use GOD standing for Group of Drunks - other AA members. A friend of mine chose his dead parents because they had always wanted the best for him. I chose trees. I got sober in May and the treatment centre was surrounded by beautiful old trees.

It's literally anything that works for you. Just a power greater than yourself.

I was very put off AA because I thought it was religious. I was wrong.

fgs I have lived your life almost to the letter.

I only ended the marriage when I thought I was going to physically die from mental exhaustion. That was far too late.

I have come to understand that my shocking childhood trained me to tolerate too much for too long - this was my normal - take 100% responsibility / never give up / flog a dead horse.

It is a waste of your finite emotional and physical energy trying to categorise him, then fix him, whilst picking up all of his slack as well as everything he deliberately disrupts.

That is his responsibility and journey not yours.

Yours is to see your co-dependency and work through this via detached love (either emotionally grey rock etc and/or physically LTB). Read Melody Beattie - Co-Dependent No More.

Currently you are “enabling” - even though you are not aware of it YOU are unwittingly contributing to and escalating this toxic dynamic.

And yes you are both harming your children unwittingly. This is a painful truth that you need to acknowledge. No child survives this toxic dynamic emotionally in tact. You will not see it right now as your life is deliberately full, keeping all of your external worlds busy - but once they start having their own intimate relationships it will unravel.

Every moment you spend obsessing about him, all of the whys?, dealing with his shortcomings, being exhausted, working too much etc is finite time and energy where you are preoccupied and emotionally unavailable to your DCs.

They only have one parent looking out for them - the other is sabotaging their childhood. Don’t let him take up your headspace - free it for your children.

MN helped me break the cycle (I will PM you my thread) - directing me to the resources pointed out by PP - to see that I needed to “drop the rope” in this game. I then went on work with an excellent psychotherapist. The cold reality of ending the marriage was what my DH needed - after things hit rock bottom for him - he sorted himself out, worked hard at therapy and transformed. We are now very happily back together. I wish I had done it sooner whatever the outcome. My drive was finally seeing that I had become a person I didn’t want to be and that my DCs were living in this toxic mess. My gift to them is quality therapy to address the emotional distress we caused them.

Wow, what a post @another20

You know what you have to do. You know it will be painful.

Your posts show you know what the answer is but you are in a big teenage style tantrum of your own because it'll be hard and it won't be fair and you don't want to go through the pain. Probably because you are exhausted from all the pain you keep yourself tied to.

Detach from him. Divorce him. Move out with the children as soon as possible to make detaching easier. You already know this is what you have to do.

Tantrum privately as much as you like about not wanting to leave the house and it's not fair and he should do this and he should do that and you should have done that back then and blah blah blah.

The transition will be shit. Accept it. Do it anyway. Big girl pants. A new life beckons. A nicer one. You have to force yourself through the fire storm to get there.

It's all about you. Not him. You. You decide, you do. He's only noise.

Stop putting energy into thinking about how he should be different. Direct that energy at yourself to make yourself change your world.