DH seems to have lost the plot and I can't cope anymore. Please help.

[fgsnotagain]

I'll try and keep this brief. I need help and advice, not to LTB, it isn't that easy.

DH had a terrible upbringing, as did I, we met at 18 and put it behind us. At the time I thought we were working hard for shared goals, now I see I was pulling him along the whole time.
I have my own business, we own a nice home, we have 2 teenage DC doing very well and should be able to enjoy what we have worked so hard for. Just at the time I am ready to start enjoying what I have worked so hard for, DH seems to have lost the plot.
There are 3 aspects to this:

1. Catastrophising and constantly saying 'everything is so shit', he hates everyone and everything.
2. Saying he will do things and not doing them. eg the dishwasher breaks, I start looking for a new one, he says he'll do it. Then doesn't. He does this with everything. When it is pointed out becomes very angry and has a tantrum about the expectations on him.
3. Tantrums. He has these when he is confronted with his false promises or when he feels under pressure. A recent example, we went to the cinema and accidentally sat in the wrong seats (one along from where we should be). A kindly woman approached and told him he was in her seat, rather than apologise and ask us to move along he jumped up glared at me and ran out. I text him telling him off and he reappeared furious 10 minutes later. He does this regularly, often when we are in the car. It has become a sore point with the DC who do not trust him.

He has had mental health problems, both genetic and as a result of early childhood experiences all his life. He has depression and has been on medication for 15 years. He has refused any attempt to recover. When he has counselling he licks his wounds and gives a completely false impression of his life so it has actually made him worse.

I love this man. We have a co dependant relationship and he has, sadly, treated me badly since we met. I realise this now. He has been a millstone. I have cared for him and done everything for him and he has treated me very unkindly. He has lost all of his friends and is alone apart from me and DC and yet sabotages these relationships.

DM describes him as 'hard work'. He doesn't see his own family and people avoid him. He can be fun, he is very talented and could contribute a huge amount but doesn't. When he can contribute - eg offer to drive when we go out or offer to do a task - he has a tantrum or lets me down.

My behaviour is now poor. I am incredibly frustrated. I don't let it go, ever. I feel burdened and like I have carried him for 26 years. I work 50-60 hours a week, do everything for DC and have responsibility for every aspect of our lives. I cannot go on like this.

For some utterly stupid reason, at request of DS, I booked a very nice holiday this summer, this is despite me promising myself I would not take him away again (he does nothing to the point that one one, now legendary occasion, he didn't even know what country we were in).

I need help to cope with him and not lose my rag. I want to get thru the holiday without calling him a useless twat and crying. I know I shouldn't put up with it, I never should have.

I know I have to sort my life out, I don't need telling to LTB, I need advice on managing my behaviour and avoiding family meltdown so we can enjoy this holiday.

Thank you for any advice, I am sorry it is so long.

Your DCs will be out of there at the first opportunity and you'll be lucky if they don't go NC because you have effectively left them in this toxic, abusive household. Sorry to be harsh but it needs pointing out.

What's more important, this deadweight 'partner' or yours and your DCs MH?

I get nothing out of the relationship other than:
He makes me a cup of tea in the morning
He pops a hot water bottle in my bed so when I get home at 9/10 it is warm
He provides a physical presence which I find reassuring

He often ignores me for days on end. Once on holiday he didn't speak to me other than instructions for 4 days. I cried and begged him but he just looked thru me.

I haven't read the whole thread but he sounds very like my ex-husband who was subsequently diagnosed with autism as an adult. For my own mental health, and that of my children, I left. If you don't want to do that, read up on autism and Pathological Demand Avoidance and see if it fits.

Wow, gosh I am sorry OP that is incredibly tough. I see you don't want to LTB (or not yet anyway) but I think focus on your DCs and do something for you and just you. Can be anything - an occasional weekend hike, learn Russian, a monthly massage, read a book a month... Regarding the holiday if he comes then do you best to focus on external things (the country, culture, food, architecture) and give the DCs a good time. If you intend to continue with him maybe just do stuff, don't mention it - so if you need a new dishwasher just get it (less work than arguing about it in the long run). Sorry you are going through this.

Don’t kid yourself that this hasn’t affected your children. You’re kidding yourself so that you don’t have to take responsibility. Your children are growing up in a house where they see a father treat a mother like shit. Of course this is going to affect them. Stop using your poor children as an excuse to stay. They may not resent you now, but they sure as hell will when they have their own children, as that often brings home the dysfunctional childhood people have had. Either that, or they’ll turn out like/marry someone like him.

well presumably your dc will also be dreading the holiday for the same reasons as you are.

I'm sorry OP, but in my view you need counselling in order to help yourself out of this co-dependent state. It can't be love - it really can't be. And yes whoever said you're alone, well you are. And it's infintely preferable to be alone out of a relationship than alone in it.

I stayed with my exH much longer than i should have done. Possibly for the same misguided reasons as you. My children and me are much happier now we're out of it. Sure it's challenging to be alone, but worth it.

wrt to the holiday, I'd suggest leaving him in the hotel room as much as possible and spending time with your dcs.

And as for him threatening to kill himself. What a twat.

and yes my children now speak a bit about the last couple years of our relationship when it was horrendous. They are relieved we are out of it.

I don't kid myself that they're unaffected by it. It's my biggest source of guilt. For their sakes, I should have had the guts to leave sooner.

Just to clarify, I'm not saying that all autistic people behave like my ex-H! But for him, autism was a factor in his behaviour and if we had all known that earlier, the relationship might have been salvageable.

Start detaching from him now. Don't hope for anything from him or ask anything of him. Pretend he isn't there.

It has become a sore point with the DC who do not trust him.

That's sad.

There's no way this won't impact on who they become. His childhood has affected them and the cycle will continue.

Children like this can become resentful that they were not removed from the situation. Are your DC aware of his upbringing? It might help them understand a bit, although they shouldn't have to live with the way he is.

If this didn't make me leave, I'd probably find myself an awful lot of outside hobbies to avoid spending time with him.

It sounds like a miserable existence.

Whether or not you love him isn’t really the point.

He’s destroying you. You need to leave for your own mental and physical health.

I can’t give you tips to tell you how to cope better with his abuse.

They are both very well, mentally and physically and are the centre of my life.

That contradicts how you earlier described their relationship with their father.

I think you're life is incredibly tough, but only you can change it.
You've come on here with a long list of 'can'ts' You need help to make your list of 'cans'.

Get yourself to a decent therapist who can help you with that.

I hear you OP. You love this man even though he is very hard work!You have been through an awful lot together, and to get to become successful in spite of your dysfunctional childhood is something of a miracle.You are a really good model for your children and sound like a terrific Mum!.Do you think DH has some sort of Autistim ?.His behaviour sounds very much like a friend who finds going on holiday quite stressful ,different surroundings ,worries about food ,and so on (they dont like change you see).If he has been parented by Alcoholics then he hasnt had much to base his behaviour on either .I know you probably feel you need some wine (who wouldnt?!). But I think drinking in front of him is probably going to upset him ,as he is tee total .And that cant be easy for him as it probably brings back painful memories of his Father TBH.As you say you are co dependent ,and that is probably more common than we realise I think.If you choose to stay in the relationship ,do you get any time to see friends at all, or maybe do something like an evening class (Sorry I know you work long hours).Apologies if difficult for you .Just to see yourself as a person in your own right.!If the holidays are too stressful ,just tell him you are taking DC on their own and he can stay home if he wants to .(.Many people do find holidays stressful BTW )I read somewhere that just over half of people argue while away ,probably not used to being together so much!.He sounds like he lacks confidence re the Cinema incident .If you decide to leave him you will probably need quite a bit of support I think ,Try to see a Counseller again on your own,sometimes a different one can help by trying a new approach .

This is not fair on your DC. If you can't do the right thing for you, do it for them. Every day in this life damages them a little more.

You are confusing love here with codependency; you stated yourself that you are codependent. You are with an abusive man.

Your children will not thank you for staying with their father; they will accuse you of being weak and putting him before them. You could well go onto lose your own relationship with them as adults because they will not want to know you either.

Go on holiday without him.

He'll make you miserable and the DC don't trust him. It doesn't matter if your arthritis means that you can't do quite so much - I guarantee you'll all still have a better time without him.

Could we please stop diagnosing every man with autism, please?!
The OP's husband has enough explanations (not excuses!) for his behaviour without dragging autism into it.

Would your children be happy/relieved if you separated? Ask them - that's your ultimate answer.

I'm not sure why you are asking which behaviours you can change. It is obvious the issue is him.

He sounds depressed. Either work with him to support him and get him help, or if he doesnt want help then I'm sorry but you have to leave.

Could we please stop diagnosing every man with autism, please

YES THIS

What is so bloody awful about being on your own?.

You are not alone anyway; you have your children here and their interests should be paramount.

1. Get counselling FOR YOU. You need to learn how to detach, to stop being co-dependent and (in the nicest possible way) stop being such a bloody doormat. Why on earth do you love this abusive man? He's a man-child with a truckload of issues who, by your own admission, is a millstone around your neck.
2. Accept that you cannot change him. For that matter, you can't change anyone. The one thing you CAN do is change how YOU react to them. Which brings me back to point 1. Get counselling. If you cannot afford it, yes find a 12-step support group.
3. Get your finances in order, get all your documents and proof of earnings and savings and what have you in order. When the scales fall from your eyes you'll want to take them to a solicitor.
4. The holiday. My best advice? Leave him at home. Go with your kids. Have a good time.

Please put your children first. You are enabling them to see a very dysfunctional relationship and you’re setting them up to repeat the cycle.

I strongly suspect autism or aspergers which is impacting his preoccupation with himself and how the world is affecting him, rather than having any awareness or understanding about his effect on you or your children. You sound as if you have been incredibly strong and resilient and just need some extra support just now in order to get some clarity about what is the right thing to do next. While you have had counselling in the past, it may help to get some more support just now, or as others advise, read up about autism and aspergers and see whether anything makes sense. It might then help to manage situations in a way that there is a better outcome. But you also need to put yourself first. The balance should not be all towards supporting him, you actually need to be a bit selfish and establish boundaries that should not be crossed. Your health is of the upmost importance.

You cannot help or support anyone who does not want to be rescued and or saved.

re a [previous comment:-
"Could we please stop diagnosing every man with autism, please

YES THIS"

Seconded