DH seems to have lost the plot and I can't cope anymore. Please help.

[fgsnotagain]

I'll try and keep this brief. I need help and advice, not to LTB, it isn't that easy.

DH had a terrible upbringing, as did I, we met at 18 and put it behind us. At the time I thought we were working hard for shared goals, now I see I was pulling him along the whole time.
I have my own business, we own a nice home, we have 2 teenage DC doing very well and should be able to enjoy what we have worked so hard for. Just at the time I am ready to start enjoying what I have worked so hard for, DH seems to have lost the plot.
There are 3 aspects to this:

1. Catastrophising and constantly saying 'everything is so shit', he hates everyone and everything.
2. Saying he will do things and not doing them. eg the dishwasher breaks, I start looking for a new one, he says he'll do it. Then doesn't. He does this with everything. When it is pointed out becomes very angry and has a tantrum about the expectations on him.
3. Tantrums. He has these when he is confronted with his false promises or when he feels under pressure. A recent example, we went to the cinema and accidentally sat in the wrong seats (one along from where we should be). A kindly woman approached and told him he was in her seat, rather than apologise and ask us to move along he jumped up glared at me and ran out. I text him telling him off and he reappeared furious 10 minutes later. He does this regularly, often when we are in the car. It has become a sore point with the DC who do not trust him.

He has had mental health problems, both genetic and as a result of early childhood experiences all his life. He has depression and has been on medication for 15 years. He has refused any attempt to recover. When he has counselling he licks his wounds and gives a completely false impression of his life so it has actually made him worse.

I love this man. We have a co dependant relationship and he has, sadly, treated me badly since we met. I realise this now. He has been a millstone. I have cared for him and done everything for him and he has treated me very unkindly. He has lost all of his friends and is alone apart from me and DC and yet sabotages these relationships.

DM describes him as 'hard work'. He doesn't see his own family and people avoid him. He can be fun, he is very talented and could contribute a huge amount but doesn't. When he can contribute - eg offer to drive when we go out or offer to do a task - he has a tantrum or lets me down.

My behaviour is now poor. I am incredibly frustrated. I don't let it go, ever. I feel burdened and like I have carried him for 26 years. I work 50-60 hours a week, do everything for DC and have responsibility for every aspect of our lives. I cannot go on like this.

For some utterly stupid reason, at request of DS, I booked a very nice holiday this summer, this is despite me promising myself I would not take him away again (he does nothing to the point that one one, now legendary occasion, he didn't even know what country we were in).

I need help to cope with him and not lose my rag. I want to get thru the holiday without calling him a useless twat and crying. I know I shouldn't put up with it, I never should have.

I know I have to sort my life out, I don't need telling to LTB, I need advice on managing my behaviour and avoiding family meltdown so we can enjoy this holiday.

Thank you for any advice, I am sorry it is so long.

You need therapy. Seriously. This is a really awful situation and co-dependency is a toxic way to live that will be causing untold damage to your children. Find a therapist who specialises in this area. I hope you manage to break free and change your life.

"I strongly suspect autism or aspergers which is impacting his preoccupation with himself and how the world is affecting him, rather than having any awareness or understanding about his effect on you or your children".

Please stop doing this, it is itself damaging and insulting to those who are actually on an ASD spectrum. This comment only serves to show your poor understanding of what ASD actually is. ASD as well does not equal abusive behaviour like this man has shown this lady and her family.

I feel anxious just reading your posts, OP, for the amount of stress this must be causing you.

As for the holiday, if you take him with you, I think you have to drop any hope or expectation that he will act as if he is part of the family or team.

Set up your plans, focus on them cheerfully and breezily with the kids, and if he refuses to come with you on the activity / out for dinner, just say ‘ok, byeee’.

Don’t want anything from him, don’t expect anything and don’t criticise, beg or wheedle when you don’t get it. Don’t try and talk him round. Not once.

Your expectation, or yearning for ‘what might have been ‘ is the trap you have laid for yourself.

Take responsibility: he won’t change and rather than wringing your hands over ‘how life could be’ at his stage, well, make it so!

At the end of the day, he won't change. He won't. Next year, he will be the same. In 5 years, he will be the same. In 10 years, he will be the same.
Either you stay in this miserable toxic relationship or you leave- and yes, it will be hard, but you have your children. And you won't have this black cloud over you. Just imagine how free you would feel.

fgs - have PMd you.

As others have said you need to slowly bring the focus away from him and back on to you - in your own mind. Rather than asking 'How can I change him? Why is he like this? Why won't he change?' start asking yourself 'Why am I prepared to put up with this? Why have I endured it for so long? Why am I so afraid of being alone? What is it that is keeping me in this situation?'

You say you are having counselling and you sound as though you are starting to wake up. Good for you, well done. Keep talking to your counsellor, keep your focus on you and YOUR feelings. I think relationships like this take the focus off you and your needs and feelings and maybe that's how you like it. Maybe there is stuff inside you need to explore but it's scary or overwhelming to contemplate and he's just this massive, all-consuming distraction.
Keep bringing the focus back to you
Good luck. x

I'm afraid that you are repeating the same pattern that you've worked so hard to get yourself away from. Your kids are growing up in an incredibly dysfunctional household, just a different type of dysfunctional than what you experienced.

Thanks for all your comments. My DC are 14 and 15 and very kind well balanced DC. I am not saying this does not affect them, but we have a very good relationship, we rely on each other, we are 100% honest with each other and we are always their for each other. We are a great team. DH resents this. We do a lot just us now, which makes him sulk and accuse us of being a 'gang' and 'leaving him out' non of which is true.

All you comments are very helpful, thank you.

He often holds things just out of reach from me and prevents me from enjoying things. eg there is a hotel in the country I grew up in that I always had a silly 'thing' about. I'd been taken there by F when I was little and it struck me as the best place in the world. Last year I suggested we had a few days there as a little break and was very specific with him - I said I would book it, organise everything etc but I would like to have tea over looking the plantation - yes a silly fantasy, but I don't ask for much. On the first day he was too tired, which was fine. On the second day he fell asleep. I woke him and asked him to come, he said he would, he'd follow, I should go. He didn't come. I sat alone, feeling very sad. He found this childish and ridiculous, pathetic even. My feelings are dismissed. He was tired, he couldn't help it. My resentment built.

I behave badly, I am detaching from him. What is scary about being alone? I never have been. I have siblings in double figures, I was caring for babies from being 9, I have only ever had my own bed for 1 year when I was 17 and moved out. I understand how alien this is to most women. I feel like a half formed adult.

I feel so sad. I have everything. A lovely home, a DS who came top of the year in his GCSE mocks a DD who play sport for the county, a successful business, lovely holidays, even my pets are admired for their good behaviour. Everyone tells me how 'well' I've done. But it feels totally pointless sometimes.

I have channeled everything I am into DC, I feel exhausted.

Sorry if this all seems like a moan, I really appreciate your time.

You have come to ask for help in bearing an impossible load. But you don't need help in carrying the overwhelming weight of this dreadful man. No one could carry him and stay sane. You need help to remove him from your back.

For all your insistence that your DC are hunky dory, they are being harmed by what you and DH are modeling as parents. Your DH has been mangled by his DPs. Are you are setting out to make this a family tradition?

I appreciate that this may seem an unkind thing to say, but surely you know that the family life you describe is certain to cause major damage to your DC?

Regarding the autism business, I have recently been diagnosed with ASD and I have none of the symptoms/traits described here. It seems it's a MN thing like narcissism. Every selfish bastard on MN is a narcissist now. Lots of armchair diagnosticians here.

I am thinking of myself for the first time. Following a tragic death I had counselling which raised a lot of issues. The counsellor really helped me but it opened this box of frogs as I realised that we'd never had a normal relationship. This seems to have sent him in a downwards spiral and I can't go back now.

I have found this to be one of the saddest posts I have read on MN.

What a way to live your life.

Re the holiday. Tell him that you and DC are going and where and tell him there is a space for him if he chooses to take it with no tantrum involved. His decision is final, he comes or stays at home, it is not up for discussion.

I realise only too well that LTB is not easy. Your mind is giving you 1001 reasons why you 'should' stay. You make excuses for his behaviour to yourself, you can explain it all to yourself, you know his background affected him etc etc. But when all else fails what can you do? If you stay you are, at the very best, going to live the rest of your life like this; at worse you will have a breakdown and serious MH issues of your own. Could you sit him down somewhere like a quiet cafe, where there isn't the risk of a massive tantrum, and tell him more or less what you have written in your OP? Tell him you have reached the end of your tether and offer him choices; either he takes some honest counselling without fudging the issues, or he leaves the home, or you leave with the children. I rather like the idea of building an annex and putting him in it but realise that may well nor be practical. Tell him you will help him find somewhere to rent nearby so you can keep a watch on him and tell him he can have unrestricted access to the children. Explain that this isn't about what you want but is all about what you need

Don't minimise the effect his behaviour is having on you. You could print out a version of your OP and let him read that, then he can't maintain that you 'didn't say that' or he can't remember.

I sincerely wish you all the very best and hope you will come back in the near future and update this sad thread with some sort of positive news

I have just realised after reading this whole thread and thinking 'This is so similar to my previous relationship' that my ex was also the child of an alcoholic.

My ex used to veer from being fun fun fun to friends to entirely silent. Or would do a 'running away tantrum' as you said. And there were entire weeks that i would be on eggshells.

God youve proper opened my eyes that his behaviour wasnt just because he was a heinous bastard.

Good news is that i left him and felt a weight off my shoulders. You can too.

I think the saddest thing is that you have specifically asked us NOT to give you the best bit of advice we could. You know what the answer is. Why are you so adamant that at this time LTB not an option for you?

I appreciate that DC are affected but I cannot change his behaviour so instead I we discuss and move forward together. I listen to them and we are close. I am not claiming I am a perfect DM but I have absolutely tried my best and dedicated my life to them and to their health and happiness. They are not co dependant and have good mental and physical health. They see the strain I am under and it makes me sad that DS picks up things that need doing.

Op Why do YOU not deserve to be happy?

I am on the spectrum and only became aware as an adult, so my comments were because I recognised aspects of behaviour. Not everyone is the same and in no way was my comment intended to offend or written in that context.

"They see the strain I am under and it makes me sad that DS picks up things that need doing".

They will continue to pick up on all this and in turn will become codependent themselves. You're teaching them how to become codependent just as your parents, most likely your mother, did with you. Your own codependency keeps you within this; there is no other reason why you stay with such a person. You confuse codependent behaviours with love.

What do you think they are learning about relationships from the two of you here?. I will tell you its a whole gamut of damaging lessons and they won't thank you for doing that. I honestly feel that currently at least they will not want to know either of you when they leave home (and rarely if ever to return), which will also be sooner rather than later.

What is scary about being alone? I never have been. I have siblings in double figures, I was caring for babies from being 9, I have only ever had my own bed for 1 year when I was 17 and moved out.

That explains a lot. You've been responsible for others since you were a little girl. You've never even had the chance to put your needs first. You adopt the caretaker role because it's all you know and what you think you deserve.

You feel guilty for having needs and desires. Can you not see how unfair this is? You have a right to seek fulfillment and happiness.

You've put up with your DH for 26 years. Do you truly believe that DH has ever in all that time put you first? Because it certainly doesn't sound like it.

What about your children?

You work 50-60 hours per week so I assume you 'doing everything' for them = buying them things; you just aren't at home much and when you are home you must need to sleep, as we all do - so there's no pattern here of you spending time with your children.

Your post was an exhausting read, it's a shame you can't see all this just isn't worth it for the sake of a man. Try to enjoy the holiday - What's the worse that can happen? He's kicked off before and you've handled it.

You are so very focused on yourself and your man. That's why 'what about your children' comes to mind. What a sad relationship dynamic for them to be exposed to

Thanks Prawn, that stuck a chord.

I am self employed and have always been their 100% for DC. I do not work school holidays, I am there in the morning and they come to my office after school. They come first and always have, they are not materially spoiled and work for money, but when I say I do everything for them I mean I sit with them and do homework, I take them to their sport and social events, they come to me with any problems (their friends do too), our home is the place they congregate with friends, I book events they enjoy and take them, I cook their food, I wash their clothes, I revise with them, I care for their pets with them, I have taught them to cook and clean and how to wrap Xmas presents and set up a bank account etc. I have always put DC first. They have always been my priority. We did very well as co parents until DC stoped hero worshiping him and started answering back. Since then they have relied more on me.

I have been reading up on PDA. It's very frightening really, like a description of him. His F is an incredibly unkind vicious man and he was brutalised as a child. FIL then became devoutly religious as another tool to beat the family with and the stuff about guilt and shame rings true.
Thanks to everyone for the kindness. I am not desperate for a man, I crave space and a clear head. I have had 1 boyfriend in my life and have always been independent. I feel responsible for him. Prawn nailed it really.

I feel so shaken by discussing this and letting light into the situation. It cannot continue. I feel sorry for him but I cannot carry on.

He's not hard work.

He's abusive. No amount of excusing it through 'oh well, he was abused/he has diagnoses/he shoves some hot water in a rubber container and puts it in the bed' can change that fact. He is abusive. He abuses you and he abuses your children.

There is nothing you can do that can make him not be abusive. Because it's what he has chosen to do. He has chosen to abuse you.

You did not choose to abuse anybody despite your upbringing. You have not chosen to abuse anybody despite being constantly abused by the person who you are married to. You have not chosen to abuse anyone despite seeing him abuse your children as soon as they became old enough to recognise the abuse you are suffering at his hands.

If you don't want to hear the obvious solution to your problem, unfortunately, there isn't any help that can be given to you. This is going to be your life until you keel over and die from overwork. And then he'll hate you for dying whilst looking for his next victim, likely to be one of the children if they haven't moved as far away from you as possible by then.

If you get seriously ill, he won't care. It'll be your fault for being ill, as though you've deliberately done it to inconvenience him. If you have an inflammatory disease, you're at increased risk for some cancers and cardiac issues already. He won't care about you if you have any of those - he'll still sabotage everything that makes you happy, anything that could help you get better, anything that suggests that you have needs and importance over his feelings.

But you don't want to be told the only way to avoid this is to remove the person who is abusing you now and will continue to abuse you until your dying day.

So I won't tell you.

I think you know it in your heart, though.

I do know and I have heard, but I cannot physically make him move out and move on. He is restarting therapy and I am pushing him to see that he must leave and we must be separate. I will not leave my home, it is my house I chose, my animals live her, my business is here, I painted every nook and cranny, I carried and built the furniture. He doesn't even like living here.

One of the big issues for me is moaning about things are should be fun. I keep animals and love it, it is my hobby. They provide a small return but they are my hobby. If DC help me with them I thank them as they thank me for taking them to a hobby or helping them. DH is a big gardener. The house has a massive garden and he is insistent that we do not have a gardener. Yet he moans. DC have helped him in the garden and it is so miserable they refuse. I will not help as I inevitably get shouted at. He complains constantly about his workload but when I suggest help he gets angry. He has built 2 huge greenhouses and grows amazing veg that we all enjoy. But he moans and moans. DC and I have all said that he should either grow the veg, enjoy his success and the praise we give when he eats them or stop doing it. He persists and at least once a week shouts about "all the gardening he has to do" and all his burdens. It's absurd.
Once a week he feeds the animals for me and sees this as a huge favour, but he sees growing veg as a favour for us too - how can he be so ridiculous?! I find it confusing. He is a highly intelligent man, but he can't see what he is doing.

I am going to sit down tonight and make him read about PDA and see his reaction.

Oh please, go to CoDA.

You are both addicts: he is a dry drunk.

Your kids ARE being deeply affected by this. You are putting your addiction before them.

Hard words.