DH seems to have lost the plot and I can't cope anymore. Please help.

[fgsnotagain]

I'll try and keep this brief. I need help and advice, not to LTB, it isn't that easy.

DH had a terrible upbringing, as did I, we met at 18 and put it behind us. At the time I thought we were working hard for shared goals, now I see I was pulling him along the whole time.
I have my own business, we own a nice home, we have 2 teenage DC doing very well and should be able to enjoy what we have worked so hard for. Just at the time I am ready to start enjoying what I have worked so hard for, DH seems to have lost the plot.
There are 3 aspects to this:

1. Catastrophising and constantly saying 'everything is so shit', he hates everyone and everything.
2. Saying he will do things and not doing them. eg the dishwasher breaks, I start looking for a new one, he says he'll do it. Then doesn't. He does this with everything. When it is pointed out becomes very angry and has a tantrum about the expectations on him.
3. Tantrums. He has these when he is confronted with his false promises or when he feels under pressure. A recent example, we went to the cinema and accidentally sat in the wrong seats (one along from where we should be). A kindly woman approached and told him he was in her seat, rather than apologise and ask us to move along he jumped up glared at me and ran out. I text him telling him off and he reappeared furious 10 minutes later. He does this regularly, often when we are in the car. It has become a sore point with the DC who do not trust him.

He has had mental health problems, both genetic and as a result of early childhood experiences all his life. He has depression and has been on medication for 15 years. He has refused any attempt to recover. When he has counselling he licks his wounds and gives a completely false impression of his life so it has actually made him worse.

I love this man. We have a co dependant relationship and he has, sadly, treated me badly since we met. I realise this now. He has been a millstone. I have cared for him and done everything for him and he has treated me very unkindly. He has lost all of his friends and is alone apart from me and DC and yet sabotages these relationships.

DM describes him as 'hard work'. He doesn't see his own family and people avoid him. He can be fun, he is very talented and could contribute a huge amount but doesn't. When he can contribute - eg offer to drive when we go out or offer to do a task - he has a tantrum or lets me down.

My behaviour is now poor. I am incredibly frustrated. I don't let it go, ever. I feel burdened and like I have carried him for 26 years. I work 50-60 hours a week, do everything for DC and have responsibility for every aspect of our lives. I cannot go on like this.

For some utterly stupid reason, at request of DS, I booked a very nice holiday this summer, this is despite me promising myself I would not take him away again (he does nothing to the point that one one, now legendary occasion, he didn't even know what country we were in).

I need help to cope with him and not lose my rag. I want to get thru the holiday without calling him a useless twat and crying. I know I shouldn't put up with it, I never should have.

I know I have to sort my life out, I don't need telling to LTB, I need advice on managing my behaviour and avoiding family meltdown so we can enjoy this holiday.

Thank you for any advice, I am sorry it is so long.

Fuck that, he should be the one to leave. Get support from your local ISVA service (women's aid or similar) and they'll help you get a civil injunction and remove him from the property.

IDVA sorry, not ISVA

I would also urge caution on armchair diagnoses. I have ASD and I know adults with PDA, and we are not total arseholes. Being an arsehole and having PDA are not the same thing.

However, resenting his own hobby (self imposed demands) does sound quite familiar, as does losing the plot over the demands of going on holiday.

If he does have PDA then trying to "make" him read about it and see that he has it is not going to work. You can't demand that he recognises his own demand avoidance!

You can let him have materials with no demand that he identifies with it or even reads it. This is a good place to start emilywilding.weebly.com/the-rag-blog/describing-pathological-demand-avoidance-pda

But even if he is PDA - so what? If he isn't willing to address it and work on the behaviours then you're still in the same position you were before, and separating is still a good idea.

My mum was in the same position as you with my dad as I grew up. I’ll give you an example, if my mum got a haircut, my dad would say it was too short and stonewall her entirely for 4 or 5 weeks until it grew back a bit. That was my normal. There was violence, police visits, manipulations.

By 15 I was in an extremely violent relationship of my own, i didnt confide in anyone I was trying to be the perfect daughter, who had no needs. My boyfriends mum even caught him beating me up and I begged her not to tell my mum as she already had enough on her plate with my dad.

By adulthood my parents divorced and I was groomed to be the codependent caretaker of my dad, who psychologically tortured me and manipulated me for 20 years until I had a mental breakdown.

I’m now NC with him trying to rebuild my life from the ground up as I’ve never known how normal people behave. It’s been so, so hard. I also have a complicated relationship with my mum as she has never been able to really see or acknowledge how tough it was for me. She sees her pain but she is blind to mine. I truly wish she had divorced him earlier. I know how hard it is to be codependent but please do work towards leaving. And be so, so aware that he could be grooming one of your children to take your position as codependent.

RollOnSaturday. That sounds so hard.

OP, you can choose not to be part of this dysfunctional relationship