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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ow in the office

125 replies

Fielder7 · 18/06/2019 07:07

I caught my dp bordering on a EA/sexting IMO
After me.finding out and being distraught he promised he wouldn't txt her or talk to her at work. The problem is now I'm a wreck wondering if they are still txting/talking.

Hes changed seats. Away from her and promises he doesn't talk to her and s
Apparently she doesn't talk to him but how can I trust it?
I know MNetters would say actions rather than words but would this be classed as actions or is he just saying it to keep me "readdured"
Its just so hard to say. I want to work.out our relationship in.jjst worried hes still in touch with her . How common is it for the man to just blank ow? Do they carry on speaking work related? He claims.he doesn't and hasn't needed to speak to her on anything work related...

OP posts:
Fielder7 · 18/06/2019 07:26

Sorry posting on phone so lots of typos.
Reassured *

OP posts:
Fielder7 · 18/06/2019 09:56

*bump

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 18/06/2019 10:03

Oh op, this is no way to live is it. Do you want to feel like this always because that's how it will be. Flowers

Nothingsuitsmelikeasuit · 18/06/2019 10:07

If my partner was having an affair at work, I wouldn’t even consider trying to fix the relationship until they had changed jobs. Though actually I wouldn’t be giving him a second chance at all. Everyone’s boundaries and what they need to make the relationship work will be different. Are you happy with the steps he’s taking? If not what do you want or need him to do?

GreyCloud0 · 18/06/2019 10:13

Why can’t he change jobs?

Diamond88 · 18/06/2019 10:36

Get rid

fecketyfeck21 · 18/06/2019 10:36

i wouldn't stay with someone like this, he's already cheated on you with the text and border line ea imo. he might like to think it won't resurface but who doesn't like to feel flattered sometimes by the positive attention of another ?

Fielder7 · 18/06/2019 10:38

I'd love him to change jobs but it's a one and.only kind of job if that makes sense. The position hes in he couldn't go elsewhere
He has been applying abroad though and shown interest there.

Do you think the ow would still talk to him even after me txting her? And him.txting her he wouldn't be talking personally to her anymore?

I would just want more reassurance daily but understand that's not always viable.

OP posts:
Diamond88 · 18/06/2019 11:22

I really struggle with why you could stay with a man who has done this to you and putting you through hell?
He can find a new job, has he told you he can't?
I just wouldn't waste my time with him, he's a cheat.

ConfCall · 18/06/2019 11:34

I think that this particular OW has probably got the message if you’ve both texted her. If she has any pride, she’ll avoid him.

However, he could misbehave with someone else in future and he’d cover his tracks more carefully having been caught this time.

That said, he might have learnt his lesson. It all comes down to whether you believe in his remorse, and trust him. You don’t seem to tbh.

LemonTT · 18/06/2019 11:35

We can’t tell you what is in their heads or hearts. The situation boils down to the following.

  1. They are going to maintain a professional relationship and that means they need to speak, email and maybe even txt each other. But this will be entirely professional. They have no choice about this if they work together.
  1. They both want to continue with the affair. They have the means and opportunities and there is very little you can do to check up on them or stop it. You will drive yourself mad trying.
  1. Only one of them wants to continue with the affair. This would be doubly inappropriate and the other has recourse to workplace rules on harassment. It would be messy but this is an option. If this is the case he should tell you.

If you trusted him you could discount point 2. But you can’t and you can seem to live with it either. That leaves you trying to rebuild the trust. But you need his cooperation for that. Is he willing to give it and do you know what that is?

I think in this situation I would want to address the reason why he sought emotional support elsewhere and not with you. Do you have emotional intimacy with him that extends beyond the home?

Chamomileteaplease · 18/06/2019 11:36

Surely the question is why did he sext this woman in the first place? Has he had enough of your relationship? I would move on if I were you, he sounds neither pleasant nor committed.

Also, I worked with a man who was in exactly the same situation as your partner. Four years later, his wife is getting more and more mental health problems due to the strain.

Scorpvenus1 · 18/06/2019 11:43

You will regret giving him a chance.....

He will do it again that's for sure.

PicsInRed · 18/06/2019 11:54

Work for this sort of person will never just be work. It will always be a shagging opportunity. You'll go mad wondering about this woman ... then other women. He's a "type", they don't change, and I'm afraid there's no sane future in this for you.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 18/06/2019 12:02

Another one saying this is no way to live. You'll always be on high alert for possible dodgy activity.

Tabitha005 · 18/06/2019 12:06

Around 9-10 years ago, before we were married, my husband carried on a sexting relationship with a woman he worked with. When I found the messages (I was suspicious owing to flirtatious messages they exchanged publicly on Facebook, so checked his phone), he was distraught and promised never to do it again. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and put it down to a middle-aged man being flattered by the attentions of a much younger woman.

Then, a few months later, I checked his messages again, just on the off-chance - let's call it 'housekeeping' - and was surprised to find more messages between them, all explicit in their nature.

Nothing in the messages indicated they had met up and actually made good on any of the content of the messages for real. We split up for a few weeks and I eventually decided to forgive, forget and move on.

But I didn't forget, and I'm not sure I've ever really forgiven him, either. I said all the things I wanted to say at the time and he definitely knew how hurt and disappointed I was that he'd broken the promise.

In retrospect, and possibly because I feel now that I've outgrown the relationship, but feel trapped and suffocated so haven't actually had the balls to leave yet, my mind keeps winding back to that betrayal, regardless of the fact he didn't actually 'do' anything physical with this woman. It's still betrayal and it feels just as real as if he HAD been intimate with her - for me, anyway.

OP, you need to be honest with yourself as to whether you can trust him - even if you still have doubts, which, let's be honest, most of us would. The fact they still work together compounds the issue, too.

newmomof1 · 18/06/2019 12:18

Am I the only person that thinks in some ways an EA would be worse than sleeping together?

It doesn't matter if he completely blanks her now, there will still be an emotional connection between them.
At least if they'd just had sex you could put it down to him being in the mood and making a mistake, but an EA involves real feelings. Are you sure you can live with him feeling that way about another woman?

Yabbers · 18/06/2019 12:22

I'd love him to change jobs but it's a one and.only kind of job if that makes sense

He’s the only person in the entire country who does his job? Really?

Pinkmonkeybird · 18/06/2019 12:33

@newmomof1 I agree with you. I think an EA is much worse than just sleeping together. Intimacy isn't just a shag. Anyone can do that, but EA's run a whole lot deeper.

Going back to the OP...I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be able to carry on like this. Believe me, I've been there. My ex struck up a 'friendship' with a very much young woman (man in his 40s/woman in 20s cliche) and I found out in 2017 they were messaging each other...apparently just banter etc. I told him I was not happy and he professed that they were just friends etc. He then went through the motions of telling her not to message him and it apparently stopped. But it didn't. For a whole year he lied and gaslighted me. My anxiety was through the roof thinking that he was messaging her and I started to check his phone. Nothing at all...but I did find out one night whilst he was in the showe he had been careless not deleting that day's whatsapp messages between them and it was very fucking clear that they were not just friends at all. It was quite sickening.

I've said this time and time again to people asking on MN, but unless he is being 100% transparent and is making a massive effort to reassure you and to change jobs, I'm afraid I wouldn't trust him at all. When people have EAs it's like an addiction. They've been having a fantasy relationship, none of it is 'real' as they can't have a proper relationship whilst another is still to all intents and purposes, attached to another. Unless the cord has been totally cut, jobs changed, contact totally blocked...it will more than likely carry on. Sorry x

Rabbiting0n · 18/06/2019 12:33

OP, you've posted recently about this on someone else's thread haven't you? And you've posted under another name, too? With everything you've posted recently it looks like you're simply unable to trust him. He destroyed your trust with his previous behaviour, and he's been unable to rebuild it. You want to stay with him, but if you do, you will be staying without trust.

If your relationship was really a priority, his "one-off" job wouldn't matter. He'd leave and get a different job elsewhere, even if it paid less. You'd both be happy for him to do it. That is the only way he can prove that you are his priority, but even then, I suspect you will doubt him.

You deserve better. You deserve to be with someone you can trust.

Branleuse · 18/06/2019 15:56

Wow. I would dump his arse if he couldnt change jobs. Even if he had to change career completely

NameChangeNugget · 18/06/2019 16:02

How are things generally between you?

His actions would suggest someone who isn’t happy

FizzyGreenWater · 18/06/2019 16:03

I'd love him to change jobs but it's a one and.only kind of job if that makes sense. The position hes in he couldn't go elsewhere

Tough shit then, looks like he doesn't get to have you as a partner any more.

Honestly though - dump him anyway. What is the point when you know he would cheat?

HippyTrails · 18/06/2019 16:08

how large is the company he works for? for example is OW on a different floor or even next door building or is it a smaller office where they are in constant view of each other?

Fielder7 · 18/06/2019 16:49

Can I clarify what constitutes as an EA?

OP posts:
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