Ow in the office

[Fielder7]

I caught my dp bordering on a EA/sexting IMO
After me.finding out and being distraught he promised he wouldn't txt her or talk to her at work. The problem is now I'm a wreck wondering if they are still txting/talking.

Hes changed seats. Away from her and promises he doesn't talk to her and s
Apparently she doesn't talk to him but how can I trust it?
I know MNetters would say actions rather than words but would this be classed as actions or is he just saying it to keep me "readdured"
Its just so hard to say. I want to work.out our relationship in.jjst worried hes still in touch with her . How common is it for the man to just blank ow? Do they carry on speaking work related? He claims.he doesn't and hasn't needed to speak to her on anything work related...

He owns his house (gifted to him by his parents)

From memory,
I'm sure you previously said the house was in his parent's name...but gifted to him. At the time I thought it was done that way to protect him financially.

In which case him marrying you, will not entitle you to half his assets.

I think he's the type to hide a lot of assets and you won't have a clue how much he has.

His parents will be there to have things in their name to protect him.

Don't for one minute think he isn't smart enough to keep what he has. I would also be asking myself why he proposed to you...yet he indulges in such shenanigans with other women.

You need a very thick skin to be in this relationship. My advice (while you're still with him) is to become more resilient, build up your self esteem, invest time in yourself, find things to do that you enjoy outside the house alone or with friends, spend special time with your DDs and work on on improving your mental health and wellbeing.

Do the things that promote good mental health and you'll be better able to cope or develop the strength and courage to make different choices, having done some work on yourself and becoming confident.

Ah here OP hes a feicin gobshite and you're letting him away with it
Go find someone who treats you like a queen you've only one life dont waste it!

i fail to see.or understand all these issues,re people who text others at work,as in male female,and have partners who snoop on phones all the time. It's like some epidemic these days, and then people wan't advice about it all.

Do you know,that these issues have always been going on,for ever ki nd of.. and in the oldie days, when I was a youngie too,

When I was about 22 in the 60 era,I had a kind of affair with a very lovely handsome man ,who worked in the same office as me, he was about 44 then,and married also. There were no phones then,no snooping rubbish stuff. it was all quite secret and lovely. Everything fizzled out eventually, nobody got hurt at all, but it sure was the lovliest 8 months of my life at that time, !!

I’m sure you’re a troll. Nobody can be like this surely?

Why the hell would you want to marry a man who emotionally abused your daughter and doesn’t give a shite about you? Of course the woman is still in the picture - she never left!

You’re either a troll or you need help. You won’t leave him, you’re obsessed with him and the situation he’s put you in. You will continue to post about him for months/years to come and ignore the replies you don’t like.

Your daughter deserves better than you and him.

I agree with Sandy. The house won’t be a marital asset. The parents seem to be in on the act. Even to the point of ensuring the kids stay with him and if that means marrying you then so be it. But the house won’t be part of the deal.

@sandyy2k

The house deeds are only on his name but when the parents gifted him the money there was a writ to protect their share of money obviously directed at me incase I tried to get the house or whatnot even though we were never married and haven't been since I moved in.
He has is own money in the house as well as he got a mortgage in his own right and spent that money doing up the house. The plan is anyway he ultimately has the house I think the protection was put in for whoever he lives with...

I agree with you I think I need to hope for the best and prepare for the worst
I actually have an I instinct hes still txting her just wish I had proof so I could confront him.abiut it

@1forall74

That's disgraceful. How could you enjoy an affair with a married man? Do you not have any standards or conscience?

OK you aren’t going to leave him. Irrelevant whether he is still texting her. He was texting her before, you confronted him and you didn’t leave him so you aren’t going to leave him now. I actually think he probably isn’t still texting or speaking to her now it’s been blown out the water.

Based on you never leaving him, you need advice on how you can protect yourself and children as it’s highly likely he’s going to meet someone in the future he will actually fall for and you will be kicked out again with the kids and nowhere to go.
Therefore you need legal advice on how you can prevent that from happening. See a solicitor for 30 minutes free. Find out what marrying him would entitle you to. Find out what you need to do to be able to have a legal right to the house so he can’t kick you out.

@1forAll74 'secret and lovely?' 🤮

Do you really think he'll give up half the house to you?

All I'm saying is focus on yourself. Read my post above again. Be the best version of yourself you can be...physically, emotionally and mentally.

Strength and confidence come from within... work on you

Stop looking for proof and get on with raising your DDs and improving your sense of self.

You could benefit from individual counselling.

@1forAll74

it sure was the lovliest 8 months of my life at that time

You say nobility got hurt? People behave differently when having affairs. They often treat their wives like crap.... they neglect her in favour of the OW.

They also neglect their kids...make up excuses not to go to events with them. Snap at them because their at home...not having fun with the OW.

Not to talk about spending family money on the OW.

So just because it wasn't exposed, doesn't mean nobody got hurt.

@katy78

Thank you. I plan to this and Sandy's advice about trying to become resilient
I need to rediscover my old hobbies. Sad thing is last time I did this he split up with me and told me to get out of his house as I rejoined the BB centre I was in when young. He said it was not on as its Male dominated. I think he also felt threatened that I was getting dd involved and we were meeting new people etc

So he can do what the fuck he likes, but you and your DD are to remain prisoners with no life of your own.

Yes i think that pretty much sums it up @QueenOfTheCroneAge.

Op i keep asking you and you keep ignoring the question. How old are you and are the DC his?

I bet your friends and parents absolutely despise this creep.

I need to rediscover my old hobbies. Sad thing is last time I did this he split up with me and told me to get out of his house as I rejoined the BB centre I was in when young.
He said it was not on as its Male dominated

Why is what you do his business?

He kicked you out for joining the BB team...but he's text a few women and you're still with him. There's a great imbalance in this relationship.

You need to arrange your hobbies and just do them. As long as you have childcare covered...because he's the type to stand in your way if you rely on him.

Then just go out and do your hobby.

The ironic thing here is you think he's a catch and too good for you ...yet he knows you can do better and that you are in fact too good for him.

He's scared you'll meet someone who would treat you better and
leave him, because he knows he doesn't treat you right.

He takes advantage of your low confidence and your loyalty to him no matter what.

I guarantee the minute you stop focusing on him and do your own thing...he'll be in panic mode, because he likes the attention and undying love you have for him.
When he sees you're looking after yourself, in vesting time in yourself and you stop asking questions about the OW...he won't like it.

Go for relaxing spa days...have massage treatments... they can help to keep you calm and the nonsense from him will affect you less..because he's not your focus.

You'll only waste energy and tie yourself up in knots thinking if he's telling you the truth about the OW.

It doesn't matter that he won't like it... you just need to focus on you.

My response if he says anything might be that you're focusing on the things you have control over and making the best of life.

Would he want a man like him for your DDs? Who sexts other women? Talks about impregnating them and all other nonsense? Of course not...and if he answers yes to that question...then you know he has a very low opinion of all women.
If you didn't already know that.

is he really

That's disgraceful. How could you enjoy an affair with a married man? Do you not have any standards or conscience?

Oh come on OP! How hypocritical of you. I don’t think you’re in any position to criticise other people’s life choices when you’re choosing to put your children’s mental health at risk! In fact personally I think that is far worse and far more damaging than having an affair.

Most women put their children above and before anything and anyone else. you dont. You are putting yourself before your children. You ignore every single post of mine and along with every other post that tells you how it is.

You want somebody to tell you this man loves you and you’re gunna move away and live happily ever after, you’re gunna get married and be the happiest couple ever because he’s never gunna look at another woman again

Nah.. he does not love you. He doesn’t even like you because he has zero respect for you. You are both abusing your daughter because you are failing to protect her when you could so easily do so, so therefore I have no sympathy for you

Instead of posting on here waiting for somebody to tell you what you wanna hear, get a grip of yourself and put your children in the care of someone who gives a shit about them

Yes both DC are his we met when we were young and had first dad only after 2 years being together.
He is 33 and I am.32

First dd*

@sandyy2k
Thanks for me giving me this advice. I'm really struggling so I need as much encouragement as possible
I really need to leave. I am certain he is still contact with ow. I mentioned it again and he went mad and started saying that he doe st trust me either basically trying to turn it round on me!!

He is going away in a week for two nights. I am sure he could be inviting ow as they only see each other at work atm. I dont know whether I should pursue this or not I just feel defeated

@Fielder7 I am so sorry to hear that .. your mental health must be shattered! I think deep down you know what you have to do and you have my utmost sympathy as in you want to try and you hope that things may change but if they haven't for so long, why would it change now. Please go see a solicitor to know where you stand financially. Go out with friends and take your mind off this.. it's amazing how once outside of this toxic environment you realise how strong you can be. Whereabouts are you living? Xx

Not one person on any of your threads think staying is a good idea. Not getting married nor leaving for abroad. Why keep revisiting the same thing over and over again, he's got you exactly where he wants you.

@stupidorparanoid

@stupidorparanoid

Thank you. Yes absolutely been awful. Haven't slept at all. Lucky to have good DC who sleep the whole night but bit sad that my sleeps ruined by him rather than DC!!!
Hes alienated me from friends in the time.iv been with him
All my friends didn't like him, they only agreed to see me without him being there (they got sick of him tagging along and hogging all the conversation)
It's so difficult now as I feel like hes still taking g to her behind my back.
I think I need to start taking the advice to start a hobby or get away. Iv been literally stuck in the house waiting for him to get back from work as I dread if hes with her 😥😥

@sandyy2k

Thank you. Your responses are fantastic. I have booked a spa weekend with friend in mid July haven't told.him.yet but will tell him tonight which I bet hell be a bit funny with.

Its just exhausting as I am 99% sure he is still txting and talking to her. He has that Samsung secure folder on his phone and when I checked his phone I saw that recently opened. I haven't said anything yet but I'll take a guess he has.her number in there and txts her when I'm not around although hes still wanting to get married and being all loving with me. I find it odd. He also mentioned me finding out and said I promise i wo t do it again!!!
What an absolute bastard. I know this sounds bad but I sometimes wish him dead as that would be a relief for me and the kids.

sandyy2k
Thanks for me giving me this advice. I'm really struggling so I need as much encouragement as possible

You're welcome.

I really need to leave. I am certain he is still contact with ow. I mentioned it again and he went mad

You're still focusing your energy on him. How can you marry someone like this? So much mistrust and a very shaky foundation.

You and your DC need to be a priority. If you don't get yourself in a good place mentally it will affect your DC.

You need to do a version of the infidelity 180. The reason for it is to become an independent, happy, confident individual, who will do just fine with or without their cheating spouse/partner.

No clingyness or being needy, no asking questions about the OW, no talking about the future and declaring your love.

It's about taking control over your life.... because you can't control what he does and who he does it with.

It makes absolutely no sense to think you would ever be the only woman in his life, based on his track record.

If you can have counselling, I'd also recommend it. If money is tight, Google low cost counselling in your area. Counselling will help you as an individual..but you need to open with the counsellor. It can take time to build up a trusting relationship, but you'll know if it feels right.

I have booked a spa weekend with friend in mid July haven't told.him

Is he going to look after the kids? If he doesn't, do you have a back up plan?

You need to be one step ahead when dealing with people like this. You need to pre-empt their next move, so they don't mess up your plans.

I can't recall if you have your own family around to support.

Reconnect with your friends if you can. You need a social network and a life outside of him.

Even in a good relationship, you need these things...in a bad one, you need them even more.

Never let a man become the centre of your universe...or allow him to stop you seeing friends and family. A good person doesn't do that.

You'll drive yourself mad by looking at his phone all the time. As you said, it's exhausting and you could be using that energy on something positive.

I know this sounds bad but I sometimes wish him dead as that would be a relief for me and the kids

If you think this about someone why the hell would you stay with them? To be honest it sounds like you don't want to split with him because you don't want him to be with anyone else and fuck the cost to your mental health and children.

I really urge you to get some individual counselling to come to the understanding in your own mind of how damaging this relationship is, because at the moment you seem to be living entirely inside your head in a bubble of denial and anguish.