Ow in the office

[Fielder7]

I caught my dp bordering on a EA/sexting IMO
After me.finding out and being distraught he promised he wouldn't txt her or talk to her at work. The problem is now I'm a wreck wondering if they are still txting/talking.

Hes changed seats. Away from her and promises he doesn't talk to her and s
Apparently she doesn't talk to him but how can I trust it?
I know MNetters would say actions rather than words but would this be classed as actions or is he just saying it to keep me "readdured"
Its just so hard to say. I want to work.out our relationship in.jjst worried hes still in touch with her . How common is it for the man to just blank ow? Do they carry on speaking work related? He claims.he doesn't and hasn't needed to speak to her on anything work related...

This isn't the man who applied for a job in Saudi is it?

Do you have 2 DDs?

Can I clarify what constitutes as an EA?

An emotional affair is that grey area where you know you’re more than just platonic friends with someone outside your relationship. There’s an emotional connection, an intimacy and often an attraction to each other - even if there's no physical or sexual interaction between the two of you.

You’re likely to keep an emotional affair secret from your partner because, deep down, you know they would not be happy about it. When it’s discovered, you might describe it as just a ‘friendship’. However, just because there’s no sex, it doesn’t mean this relationship with someone else is not as much - if not more - threatening to your partner than a physical affair.

www.relate.org.uk/blog/2015/7/28/whats-emotional-affair

I'd say maybe it was an EA from her POV but not so much for him, he was just after an ego boost and maybe sex.

He works in the same floor as her but they dont interact they dont need to for his work purposes. He said hes sat away from her, has shown me etc.

Its hard we have ups and downs but I'd say we were mainly happy atm. He seems loving towards me I guess best of times

Only you know what your boundaries are OP, and you surely know what the definition of emotional affair is from reading it online.

Was your partner the one applying for jobs in Saudi Arabia?

@closetbeanmuncher

Yes it is. He applied for two jobs in Saudi after it all came out and wasnt successful for either. Hes seen another job in the UAE he is very keen to apply. I'm still in two minds but have encouraged him to do so. So in terms of the ow, I think that's a positive if he wants to get away from his position

What strikes me is how he can be really degrading when he speaks to her as her old and disabled and makes comments like "nobody likes her" repeatedly. I dont know whether to take this as a sign that something is still going om

Regardless, it makes him sound like an arsehole

I'd say it's a damn good sign something is still going on. He's dissing her to try and convince you.
In the same way, I'd be very doubtful it was only sexting. The old "it was only messaging" has become the dh/ow default version of the dh/dw "my wife doesn't understand me and we no longer have sex"

He's a twat isn't he?

This is an intentionally misleading thread and you are wasting the time of everyone replying on it.

He might moan about her being old and disabled and unpopular; but he's happy to chat to her about her having his baby...

You'll never know if they are still chatting. I'd hazard a guess that in most jobs, they'd have to at least be civil, it'd be hot gossip if people on the same floor in my building didn't chat... but given who this man is, he is highly likely to still be chatting to her. Why wouldn't he be, given everything?

He's a twat. He has been a twat for months. At this point, your choices are to stay with him and turn a blind eye to what he is or isn't doing so that you don't drive yourself mad; or leave him. There isn't another option.

You need to fix the reason as to why he was looking elsewhere or he will just continue to look elsewhere. Why are you so desperate for him to change? You need to set your bar a lot higher than stay with a cheating little weasel like him.

He sounds like he's over compensating OP, with the degrading comments. An ex DP of mine went down the work emotional affair route and regularly told me she was unattractive if I asked, not his type at all, made specific derogatory comments about her physique. All the rest of it. Of course in actuality he massively fancied her and probably would have done anything to shag her. (He admitted it eventually).

The gaslighting and endless worry affected my mental health very very badly, as did sitting at home wondering about why he thought she was better than me and if he'd rather be with her in bed or on dates etc- it got so bad that I wasn't able to go out on a date with him because I felt second best, overthought what I was wearing, wondered what she dressed in that he clearly liked, did he like her hair, didn't wear more makeup than her, was she prettier. Pathetic maybe, but it is what happened.

Lack of trust is a deal breaker sadly. My only regret is not dumping him at the first sign of the EA. Don't fall into the trap of endlessly trying to minimise it so you can excuse it because you love him. Anyone who works in an office knows they will likely interact over the week if they are in the same one and at the end of the day OP, unfortunately, it may make you feel it's less bad if you decide it was about an ego boost sexually for him- but you really have no idea if that is true or whether he had feelings for her. If he cared for you sufficiently, he would not have done what he did.

It's really no life for you clinging on for little signs that he loves you again or has abandoned thoughts of her. Applying for jobs is not the same as taking them, it doesn't mean an awful lot. I would be wondering if he applying to falsely demonstrate he wants to move. Most men in these scenarios want their cake and eat it, and will lie/minimise/do whatever to keep it that way. He's shown you already that he is capable of the lies and deception to facilitate his crush on someone else. Wanting to also keep you isn't enough.

I'd be wary, and look after your mental health first OP, see a counsellor perhaps. I did (a couples counsellor) - she asked what do I hope to achieve from the process and I found myself saying 'to either fix this, or find the strength to leave it' - did the latter.

BTW, the only reason I assume it was an EA from her side and not his is because I had the advantage of reading the whole texts from when they first text to when I confronted he was just always using sexual speak with her whereas shed be telling him personal stuff.

There was never any indication.of him speaking about me.or relationship.

But he always used to say to me.shes desperate, old and disabled and will.still say this alot!? Its a bit odd..

Also, listed all the stuff she had wrong with her and how she has a "resting bitch face "
I agree with pp that I can possibly not know of course that's why I'm on here dounting. I can only go off the whole txt thread I saw between them.which was about a month and a half worth of txts. Again, not sure what was said in person though but they were around other colleagues as they all sit on one desk. Now, apparently he has moved desks! He has shown pictures with his computer and name.tag. I just dont know what more he can do to reassure me?

I don’t think I could stay in these circumstances. My DP works for a fairly small company so there’d be no way of getting away from an OW, he’d have to change jobs. I’d also always be a nervous anxious wreck, paranoid it was still continuing. It’s no way to live at all OP.

I think your relationship is as good as over, he’s ruined the trust.

I agree with PP, it sounds like over-compensating. Why say those degrading comments- he clearly found her attractive enough to risk his marriage over. Its the equivalent of someone coming out with some ridiculous, over-the-top , elaborate lie to cover the fact they're lying.

The problem comes down to trust. Can you 100% trust that he doesn't talk to her, look at her or even have any feelings for her anymore? Can you guarantee that when they walk past each other in the office there's no chemistry and eye contact between them?

If you can't trust him then there is no relationship. That's what it boils down to

FWIW, I don't think I could go on knowing that he still has to see her face every day. I would end it unless he moved jobs.

@optimistic I dont think I can trust it. It's the fact hes seeing her every day
Apparently he said he overheard a convo in hushed whispers of her requesting a move... I wonder if this is true or is he trying to keep me off scent?

@dontgobaconmyheart

Thank you for sharing. Your post has given me a lot to think about. I feel even worse you're absolutely right. I think hes doing this to minimise something going on, just wish I knew.

The thing is OP, this is just the latest in his history of sexting other women.

You need to fix the reason as to why he was looking elsewhere or he will just continue to look elsewhere

Cheaters don't need a reason...they do it because they can.

This guy has not been a good partner for a long time. He will continue because he knows the OP will never leave him.

In spite of all his past inappropriate relationships with other women, he forbid the OP to join a basketball club because he was jealous.

He kicked you and your joint DD out of his house.

He refuses to spend your birthday as you want and insists on his parents coming along.

In all honesty, I'm not sure what else he could do to for you to understand he doesn't really care about you.

He's okay with the comfort of you as his GF and the mother of his DDs.

He doesn't look after the younger one, but leaves her sister to watch her and shouts at her if anything happens.

Men like this shouldn't be graced with a woman in their lives, unless they can show respect...but you allow him to disrespect you all the time.

Thread after thread will not change him.

You need to resign yourself to the fact he'll always chase OW.... it's just a matter of whether you find out about it. He is who he is and you will always be at his side...so save yourself the stress of worrying about this OW... that he speaks negatively about...yet not long ago, he wanted her on top of him.

I think hes doing this to minimise something going on, just wish I knew.

Why would this make a difference? It hasn't in the past and he knows it.

Do you have a dealbreaker in this relationship?

Well yes IF it’s work related they have to talk as this is what they get a wage for, working. Not talking about work related stuff could cause problems for both.

He could look for another job, the job market is tough right now but could look.....

Ultimately though he was tempted by someone else so you aren’t that solid, that needs working on before the next woman comes along

This is no way to live , free yourself OP , don’t you feel run down by all this mind fuckery? There are good people out there that won’t do this to you and even being single would surely be a happier existence hope you ditch the wanker soon lovely

His behaviour is horrifying. Why would you trust someone who is sending intimate messages to someone he speaks so badly of and who claims to want a relationship with you? Send him to UAE and wave buhbye. He sounds completely misogynistic.

Also.... intranet.

OP, in your many threads you have catalogued his despicable behavior, including that mentioned above by @SandyY2K. He is not a good man and he is not committed to you. He treats you appallingly and knows you will never leave.

He is likely interacting with OW at work. His reassurances are empty, just as they were when you were watching them sexting. You have another thread going regarding his distancing himself from you at home...

Honestly, with him it will always be rinse and repeat.