Ow in the office

[Fielder7]

I caught my dp bordering on a EA/sexting IMO
After me.finding out and being distraught he promised he wouldn't txt her or talk to her at work. The problem is now I'm a wreck wondering if they are still txting/talking.

Hes changed seats. Away from her and promises he doesn't talk to her and s
Apparently she doesn't talk to him but how can I trust it?
I know MNetters would say actions rather than words but would this be classed as actions or is he just saying it to keep me "readdured"
Its just so hard to say. I want to work.out our relationship in.jjst worried hes still in touch with her . How common is it for the man to just blank ow? Do they carry on speaking work related? He claims.he doesn't and hasn't needed to speak to her on anything work related...

Want to "work at it" then get on with it.

@stupidorparanoid I followed and commented on your post. I know what you went through. How are you now? Do you mean that you are now separated from him? Did he try to save your marriage in any way?

Well if you're such an expertise at reading my posts you would realise I am reaching out to people who have been through this and how they got through it/carried on with the relationship. I think I've always been clear that I'd choose to work at things rather then just leave. Obviously, if she is still in the picture that would be a different story but like I've said I have no proof/evidence he is still texting her. He has done as much as he can maybe not enough in my eyes, but hes not once refused to stop talking to her or try to get out the job.

It doesn't require any expertise to see that you will stay and put up with anything as you have been doing for some time.

Just do nothing then and accept the inevitable.

If you leave, you have a good chance of making a good life for you and your daughters.

If you stay, you life will definitely be total shit, forever, and he will keep shagging both this OW and other OW in the office - for decades.

I imagine you are now considering moving to the middle east with him.

Don't take the children to the middle east. You will ruin their lives. Leave them in the UK with family.

@Closetbeanmuncher @RRJR @AnyFucker Here we go again...

I wish you would find some courage and leave. If not for yourself then for your daughters. Show them that this is not what it looks like to be a woman.

Of course this will never happen. Sigh.

@Fielder7 I am still in the house but looking, because in my head I have accepted that he is a liar and a cheat although not a sexual affair, I feel stronger. We are not arguing so it's ok in the house. I am not gonna rush to find a place because I want to find something suitable for me and DC. However he has been trying really hard to 'prove' that he has changed but there is no way he can actually prove that. He says he is ready to change jobs, leave his phone with me etc but I dont think I can ever fully trust him. There will always be 'what if' in my mind.
I can understand that you want to make your relationship work but how long will you feel 'reassured' until you feel that he is cheating again. You said that it's been 6 months and you are still an emotional wreck, and why wouldn't you be, that's what men like our husbands make us into but we are strong, we can manage without them. Sending you lots of love xx

Marry him then. Clearly it's true love and a happy ending!

Oh, and it'll be great in the future should you find yourself disabled, I'm sure he'll be wonderful and not insult you due to it........

Sorry, I myself have disabilities, and find the fact he mocked the woman he was sleeping with because of it appalling and that shows you who he truly is.

But best of luck going forwards with this gentleman.

@stupidorparanoid

Thank you so much. I really resonated with your post and felt the pain you were going through.
It is so so difficult. Emotionally exhausting. My mind tells me to leave him but my heart says something else. It doesn't help that our relationship had always been very intensive, I.e spending all.our time together, meeting at a young age and together for 17 years.
Maybe that's what I need to get over. Your dh doing these things is very positive. Just ask yourself if hes worth it. Would you be able to work at it, maybe put conditions in place. That's the least they can do
With my dp, I'm.starting to think it was an ea but it's hard to tell he said it was an ego boost but nothing happened
He has obviously felt sorry for her and tried to be the prince charming.

We are getting married soon so I think.my emotions are just all over the place. Sending you peace and love xx

He has obviously felt sorry for her and tried to be the prince charming.

No, no he didn't.

He's treated her like shit taking the piss out of her being disabled. He doesn't feel anything for anyone, you or her.

Stop second guessing this. The only thing that matters is the way you feel - and I don't mean how much you love him/want it to work.

I mean the mess you are in, the pain you are living in - a state of constant second guessing, rumination, humiliation, fear and paranoia - caused by him and her. Stay in this and try and 'work it out' and expect more of the same.

Understand how and what you actually feel - that isn't the longing for it to stop hurting bit - it isn't the "you broke my heart" bit. It's the state of pain you are in done to you by 2 other people. Face it - because it hurts. But your relationship is over. Choose the wishing over reality and you will have a lifetime of this.

I'm 58 - seen it all. I speak the truth. I look back and I can say the one thing I regret is wasting time trying to mend things and make them better. We (women) do this because we can't face the pain of the reality in front of us. But facing it and walking away will make you stronger and happier and in a better place to find someone who is above needing to hurt others to bolster their tiny souls.

Stay and you will get dragged down.

Marrying someone who...

*Sexts and sleeps with other women
*Stops you from doing your hobbies
*Has turfed you and your daughter's out on the street
*Lies, manipulates and gaslights

Is not going to end well..... it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that.

I cant fathom why on earth you would want to get married to this repulsive specimen??

Why do you want to marry him?

Also how old are you and are the children his?

Hes proposed to me and is desperate to get marries - hes the one wanting it ASAP. Iv actually been in two minds. So isn't this a positive?

Hang on, do you think he is desperate to marry you because he loves you so much?? Do you think this "proves" deep down that he respects you and will treat you well? You think that you and he want the same thing out of a relationship but you don't.

You want a loving, supportive partnership of mutual affection, trust and respect. He wants a wife to run his domestic life, look after him, obey his commands, put his feelings above her own and make him feel powerful and important. And also to let him keep conducting affairs with other women - after all, he can't be expected to just be with one woman for the rest of his life, can he?

He doesn't respect women. He doesn't even like them. He threw you and your daughter out of the house, he badmouths a woman he professed to desire, he thinks that you should be grateful for scraps of his affection.

If you marry this man, he will continue to cheat on you. That is a given. He has shown you very clearly what he is like - indeed, a big part of your allure as a wife is that you will tolerate him cheating. Oh, you make a fuss and get upset and he promises not to do it again, but he knows you will always be desperate to "make it work" and give him another chance. And another.

Over time, he will tell the prospective other women (and there will be loads of them) that he and his wife have a tacit understanding - that you know about the affairs and don't mind. He'll say that, although you two never discuss it, you turn a blind eye as long as he is discreet. And that will be sort of true, won't it? Because you already know this man isn't faithful to you and you tolerate it, don't you? You'll continue to make excuses for him and state false "lines in the sand" ("believe me, I've made it very clear to him that the NEXT time he does this, I'm walking away and he knows I mean it this time" etc ) but you're going nowhere. And he will keep cheating. So there you go.

Marry him if you want, OP. But be honest with yourself about what you're signing up for.

Why do you accept crap op?

He won’t change.

Is being alone worse than being with a lying cheat?

OP you have another thread at the moment about how he seems to prefer sleeping and doing DIY to spending time with you and the DC. What do you get out of this relationship?

I feel sad that one day you could be on your deathbed and you will look back and realise you were never truly happy. Trust me I left an abusive marriage after a year because I knew it would never get any better and I wasn't prepared to waste another minute. Life is too short.

@finewordsforaporcupine

Not saying that at all. I actually made a separate post about how maybe he is using marriage to appease me so I trust him more now that we would be "officially" together
I am looking at in another way, that the eagerness of marriage would not coincide with the theory of him pursuing ow or planning to leave me for her as I would then be entitled to half his assets, no? I think I've mentioned in my many posts. He owns his house (gifted to him by his parents) in the past few years hes extended it both downstairs and up, and done many renovations so it would probably be worth double than what it was bought for!! All I'm saying is I find it odd that HE is the one who is eager for a date. He even commented the other day "I dotn understand why people get engaged and then wait ages to marry I'd rather just just do it"
Hes thenone who has sent me the potential dates the registry office has and asked for me to make sure I could take a day off. And has been suggesting venues where we could celebrate which I must add he is inviting nearly all his team except the ow and about 2 others!!! I just find it strange. That's all.

Actually in all fairness he could literally be the one planning the wedding. I've done nothing in regards to it

So basically then you're wilfully blind for money bevause you dont want to stand on your own two feet and want him as a mealticket!

How old are you OP and are the children his?

I am looking at in another way, that the eagerness of marriage would not coincide with the theory of him pursuing ow or planning to leave me for her

Why on earth would he leave docile, obliging you, who tolerates his infidelity, for another woman? He would have to go through the tedious process of training her to put up with how lazy and unfaithful he is - she might not be so willing to shoulder all the domestic burden as you are. No, he's perfectly happy with the way things are - he barely has to lift a finger at home, and he gets to pursue fun, exciting flirtations.

Are you happy though?

But why leave him when he is reassuring me and trying?

Trying? You are contradicting yourself. In your other recent thread, you say that he doesn’t show interest in spending 1:1 time with you or in having family time.

You say that for months he has been disengaged from you. ”it’s almost like he just doesn’t enjoy spending time with me”..... ”when he’s awake he’s hardly talking to me”..... ”I think he’s just checking out of the relationship.”

He spends most of his time on his IPad, doing projects, or sleeping on the sofa (during weekday evenings and on weekend days). He doesn’t interact much with you, and doesn’t want to go out alone with you. He moans when you suggest going out with the children, and when he does go, he acts like it’s a chore.

It doesn’t look like he is “trying” to show remorse or reconnect with you at all.

Regarding OW, why would you trust any of his reassurances? He previously reassured you while sexually messaging her. You pretended to have a nightmare about his cheating, and he jumped to reassure you—but of course you knew he was lying, as you had been watching them sext.

Although he was previously “dismissive” of your desire to wed during your 17 year relationship, he promised to marry you when confronted with his latest infidelity. His current enthusiasm for the party doesn’t mean much when he hasn’t followed through with any real changes and doesn’t appear to be emotionally connected to you.

You have written a multitude of threads about his cheating, emotional and financial abuse, and detachment from you and your daughters. You receive excellent advice, but always rationalize staying. You’ve proven to him that you will forgive anything and everything, no matter how diminishing.

I feel very sad for you and your children.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 @MsDogLady

Finding this thread a bit difficult to read, some posters give out a double scoop of goady when the op is clearly having a shit time of it as it is.
She then gets on the defensive as she’s been made fun of slightly, which is all then counter productive.

We don’t all react like we’re in a Beyoncé music video, chanting “to the left to the left” when our partners are shitheads . It takes an average of 7 times for an abused woman to leave , this includes emotional abuse.
Op you know something is wrong as you wouldn’t be posting , have you considered counselling at all? Just firs yourself rather than couples.