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Original poster

Overthinking? No response from date

166 replies

Splendidsun · 17/06/2019 20:43

Would appreciate some advice, met a guy from Match, three excellent dates, coffee, drinks and dinner, third date at mine and dtd...this was last Saturday. Messaging and chatting every day.

Date set up for tomorrow, I messaged at lunch to confirm via WA and no response. Message has been delivered and not read. First guy in four months of dating that I really like. Should I just assume for whatever reason he isn't interested now?

I know I mustn't message again but it is hard, thinking how could he have changed his mind about me in one afternoon plus if he has I find it rude that he hasn't messaged me to tell me. Keep checking my phone, this is crazy, I am a grown woman of 46! TIA for sane advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Splendidsun · 17/06/2019 22:53

Zero response, message not read. I have sent simple goodnight as I have done for over two weeks!!!

I have 2 DS aged 16 and 13 his DD are 20 and 16. It was helpful and interesting discussing challenges of parenting and trying to date. Both agreed kids of course come first.

Hopefully I can update with good news in morning or will know just to move on. Night x

OP posts:
NeedingAdvice1 · 17/06/2019 22:55

You keep saying that the message hasn’t been read but not when he was last seen.

Surely that would give you more of a clue as to whether he’s ignoring you or not?

I don’t mean to be harsh but it’s pretty simple to work out!

Bignicetree · 17/06/2019 22:59

V odd. Why do people do this ?

toffeeapple123 · 17/06/2019 23:02

He’ll reply don’t worry

Original poster
Splendidsun · 18/06/2019 06:15

Update. He messaged at 12.30 ish last night. Back to back meetings then out with friends ...he is really looking forward to seeing me today.

But ... this has highlighted my insecurities which need fixing, is this possible? In my head last night I thought he must have found someone else....then I thought good, the sooner I know he is an arse the better ... took 15 years for XH to cheat.

Thanks again for all messages. No doubt I will be back seeking help. Confused

OP posts:
QuickQuestion2019 · 18/06/2019 06:41

Good news OP. Personally I'd not sleep with him on the next date and then see what happens!

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 18/06/2019 06:46

Hmmmm...... He could have sent a brief message much earlier, back to back meetings then out with friends - busy but messaging takes seconds! I wouldn't invest too much at this stage. Take it purely as fun dating. I'm sure I'd find a minute in all that time to message back briefly.

Please don't undervalue yourself and accept crumbs!

Robin2323 · 18/06/2019 06:58

Agreed totally with @QueenOfTheCroneAge
It only takes a moment to text.
I would holdback a bit.
Bright and breezy. But get to know him without sleeping together.
Am sure it wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot.

AllSoComplicated · 18/06/2019 07:02

You sound like I am in the early days of relationships. I read up on attachment theory and I am anxious style. Take a quiz (Google adult attachment styles quiz) maybe. Someone recommended Amir levine's Attached book. I found it helpful.

Try and live in the moment and keep busy elsewhere when you've not heard from him. You'll know in time if he's for you.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 18/06/2019 07:12

@AllSoComplicated they've already dtd - maybe he feels he doesn't have to try so hard now? Far too early to take OP for granted in my opinion! caution advised.

louise5754 · 18/06/2019 07:14

If you have notifications turned on for what's app the message will flash on screen. You can read it without opening the app so even though he's not been on what's app he can still have read the message.

AllSoComplicated · 18/06/2019 07:21

@QueenOfTheCroneAge sure, caution is good but time will tell if he's OK or a player. I think looking at why op is feeling the way she is is helpful whether this works out or not. Self knowledge isn't a bad thing? Caution too though and I agree, have some standards. Again though, knowing what your needs are in order to set them is good.

EstuaryBird · 18/06/2019 07:22

Well, I’m very happy for you Splendid and I hope you have a great date tonight.

If I’m busy or with friends I rarely look at my phone so I can quite understand that he didn’t get back to you immediately. I think that these days we all expect instant responses but really a few hours is not long. The acid test will be to notice how many times he checks or uses his phone while he’s out with you.

I’d be pretty.impressed that someone bothered to message me at 00:30 because i’d crash into bed and leave it until the morning x

Jennbot · 18/06/2019 07:26

Back to back meetings and then out. As said above he could have easily sent a text, he chose not to for a reason. Men know that the woman is on tender hooks if there is a change in behaviour after dtd. That was nasty. Back off and keep your options open. Being nasty this soon is not a good sign.
He was very aware that you were waiting for a reply and probably enjoyed the control he now knows he has over you because you didn't let him know you were upset. If you had let know, he'd have thought you needy.
You spent all day really upset but then he texts and all is well again except it's not is it? You've just shown him, oh it's ok to ignore me I'm still clinging on and you have learnt to hide your distress. All this before the 4th date.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 18/06/2019 07:30

I agree. We all have different standards. Leaving me hanging until 12:30 am would leave me feeling undervalued, whereas others would shrug it off.

Robin2323 · 18/06/2019 07:47

Spot on @Jennbot and @QueenOfTheCroneAge
Doesn't mean this won't work out but not polite and this early on.
Definitely pull back a bit.

Original poster
Splendidsun · 18/06/2019 08:02

Have read your messages with interest. I love the bright and breezy ... I did not respond to his message last night and simply sent a good morning I'm glad you had a fun night.

I am at work now. Will put phone in drawer and do my best not to think about him. Agree that this is way too much over thinking and hard work for three dates in! Blush

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 18/06/2019 08:29

Don't listen to the gloom and doom people on here who have a rigid timetable and expectations that men MUST adhere to in life . There would have been nothing wrong with messaging again - you are an adult and entitled to have your say . You don't need to hang about waiting on a man to text you . Confused
He was busy and many men do not use phones in the same way as many women do . I'm now living with my DP that I met online and he was like that with messaging at first - they get busy , they use messaging as a factual "where to meet " thing , they forget and life gets in the way . I see what mine is like now and yup that's how he can be . I did however explain to him a couple of times how things like that made me feel and he is now the perfect messager Grin probably better than me now!

toffeeapple123 · 18/06/2019 08:32

Relax, he likes you. Let him come to you. Don’t over invest at this stage. What will be, will be.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 18/06/2019 08:35

Going from frequent messaging to none until very late is unsettling after you've dtd for the first time.. Please take it easy, but let your expectations be clear. Don't be an option!

RantyAnty · 18/06/2019 08:37

Set up some more dates with others to keep you from stressing about this one guy. :)

Honeyroar · 18/06/2019 08:45

I wouldn’t be that bothered personally. He didn’t message for a few hours, thats all. He had loads on. Yes it only takes a moment to text, but I often think “i’ll Reply back in a bit when I can concentrate” when I’m rushing around. At the end of the day you were the last thing he thought of before going to bed, you are in his thoughts. Don’t over think it too much. Keep your eyes open and don’t rush, but don’t think about things too much until they become monsters in your head.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 18/06/2019 09:14

This wouldn't have bothered me, really. It'd be very different if he'd read it and ignored it, but he didn't see it and he was busy!

Try not to overthink it Smile I'm glad he's replied, and I hope you have a lovely evening!

inmyshoos · 18/06/2019 09:23

Glad he responded op.
Try very hard to remember YOU are the prize. I struggle with this if i really like someone. Its fine if im not fussed but as soon as i like someone its so hard not to feel insecure which is crazy because i know its so unattractive and the worst thing i can do.

Value yourself. (And i am also trying to take my own advice)

Lilac3 · 18/06/2019 09:49

I have to say (and I'm a very needy and insecure person) that this wouldn't bother me.
He did text to explain.

Back to back meetings and going out after it is a genuine reason not to be able to text (I've been there).

He was probably extremely busy, didn't want to appear rude by being on his phone, etc. Because even just one text usually turns into - checking to see if it's been read, reading a reply, responding again.
Sometimes it's easier to just not text in the first place, or to put the phone away for the evening.

In fact, maybe he's just become more comfortable with you?

That said, be careful anyway, as you do sound like you've invested a lot into this 'relationship' already.
Concentrate on keeping busy Smile

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