Husband and date nights - am I in the wrong?

[JustNeedSomeOpinions]

Apologies if this has been done before, but just wanting a second opinion as the longer I wait to be taken out, the more I start to doubt whether or not I’m being unreasonable for wanting a date in the first place!

Had a long chat with DH just over a year ago (following a very turbulent patch brought about by his stupid, yet shitty actions at the time) about the importance of date nights, or at least, how important I thought they were, and the benefits of having one on one time, feeling close to one another again etc.
Since then, he’s taken me out once. My mum watched our DC’s and we went on a bike ride and stopped off for a pub lunch en route home. It was a lovely, cheap and cheerful day which we both seemed to enjoy so thought we’d do more of the same, but nothing ever materialised.

Since that date, which was about 9 months ago, I’ve mentioned a few times about going out, having dinner somewhere local and cheap, maybe roping his family in to help with childcare so we can go for a child-free walk along the local beach, have a look in some of the lovely vintage stores close to our home (without the hassle of manoeuvring a double buggy in narrow aisles full of expensive objects), or a nice glass of wine in a pub close by etc, but it seems to have been constantly falling on deaf ears.

Last month, DH went away for a long weekend with some friends, when he returned, I told him that seeing as he could save up so much money for a trip with his mates, it’d be nice if he could put £30 aside for a cheap meal for us soon seeing as we'd only been out the once in over a year.
He agreed, and promised he’d arrange childcare this month and he’ll take me out. Well, no plans have been made for this month as of yet, and there are only two weekends left... he’s not asked neither my nor his family to watch our DC’s over the next couple weeks (I would know if he had spoken with them and the only babysitters we ever use are family), so I've now made arrangements for us to see my family next weekend and seeing as he didn't mention about having plans for the two of us, I'm assuming nothing was going ahead date-wise for this upcoming weekend.. leading me to resign myself to accepting the fact that a date won’t be happening this month either.

Now, I know I might receive some replies saying ‘why don’t you take him out?’ and while yes, I could do that, this is about me wanting to see some effort from my DH. My mum took our DC’s out a few weekends ago, and I had to ask DH three times to pop to the pub with me for one drink, and even then he sat looking at his phone the whole time.

DH and I have had a rocky few years, and although I could put my hands in my own pockets and treat him, he frankly has a lot to make up for (various things which I won’t go in to right now) hence why I’ve mentioned the importance of us bonding again over date days/nights which he has instigated and put effort in to, but nothing ever happens!

I’m not expecting nor asking for frequent trips to Michelin star restaurants - we’re lucky that we live in an area where there are so many restaurants all with competitive prices and lovely food - so we’d never need to spend a fortune for a nice afternoon/evening together every other month.

But am I asking for too much by wanting to be taken out in the first place? I don't even know anymore if it's wrong for a wife to want to be taken out for a meal by her husband? Am I being a princess? I genuinely don't know.

I think this is a very old-fashioned way of thinking things. It's never occurred to me that my dh would 'take me out'. If we want a childfree evening, I pull out my diary and he pulls out his and we decide on a couple possible dates. I then run these past our babysitter and book her in for the best one for her. Then one of us books a table a couple days before. It seems a bit daft to just be sitting around hoping that a date and childcare will just materialise on their own. Why not sit and discuss it and pick a date and then depending on whether your family member or his will do the babysitting, then that person arranges the time with them? We've done date nights since our oldest was about 2. I don't think I've ever just left it to my dh to pick a date and arrange everything. We do it together.

I’m in a similar boat. I just don’t think I’m on his radar.

The main issue Mind, is that since DH near on ruined our relationship last year, one of the things I specified going forward was that he needed to make more of an effort with me. He needed to show me he cares, take initiative, correct his wrongs, as it were.

He seemed to take it all on board to begin with, hence the bike ride date.. but then there's been nothing since. While I would enjoy an evening out that I had planned, its about me wanting to see some effort from me. it's always me getting my mum to take our DC's so we can have a break. It's me saying, 'oh shall we pop out now the kids have gone?' and he usually just wants to stay in.

I don't really understand either. If I want to go out I say to my husband, will we have dinner at the pub at the weekend. You book it I'll sort childcare of whatever needs doing. Payment would be out thr joint account or one of us would pay. I don't think we have ever counted going out as date night, or had tohave one take thr lead and pay. It's just going out.

I agree with mindutopia about how dates should be arranged, however, this jumped out at me:

I had to ask DH three times to pop to the pub with me for one drink, and even then he sat looking at his phone the whole time

He has checked out, hasn't he? My DH would get the death stare from me if he pulled his phone out at a restaurant. He would know to get rid of it pronto.

Honestly, I think he needs a rocket up the arse. I would sit him down, and say that you never do anything together anymore, you've asked for date nights and he isn't bothered... and ask him for a trial separation (even if you don't mean it). He needs a kick up the arse, he really does.

He needed to show me he cares, take initiative, correct his wrongs, as it were

Ok. But generally that's in your day to day interactions, not some punishment he has to buy you dinner every two months.

In the nicest possible way, yes there is a touch of the princess about your sitting waiting to be 'taken out' and quietly seething when he doesn't do it. Sorry. Tell him you want to go out together more, sit down together and work out dates that work best, you ring your family for babysitting, he books a table somewhere.

So you set out what you needed to feel valued in the relationship. You've given him a year. He hasn't done it. He's gone to the effort for friends but not for you. What are you going to do? I think you need to be honest with yourself about how much effort this man is willing to go to for you, and make a decision as to whether or not that's good enough for you.

I just find this passive approach really bizarre. My DH loves me but I know he wouldn't think to arrange childcare etc (largely because it's my mum who is our primary childcare for such purposes so he wouldn't ask her). We go out lots, I tend to arrange it. In 15 years I'm not sure I can think of a time he has "taken me out". He'll say oh there's this new restaurant, or let's see this film, but I will be the one to take action, that's just how our personalities are tbh. So long as he is enthusiastic and co-operative I don't see the problem with you being the one to assert? Life is too short to be so passive, if you want something, make it happen. If he shows no enthusiasm then I would say he doesn't care and LTB!

X posted with you op. I doesn't sound like you're over whatever it was he did, you need to find a way to forgive him or not, otherwise any effort he makes now will just be because you've made him and you won't enjoy it anyway? Does he not like going out to the pub/restaurants generally?

I have told him I want to go out more, so many times. But if I arrange childcare, I arrange the date and what we'll be doing, that's hardly him putting in the effort is it? That's me doing it all and him just going along with it...

He'd never suggest a new restaurant to try, he never hints at wanting to go and see a movie with me, he doesn't show any initiative for wanting to do nice things with me.

He loves going to the pub! He'll (admittedly not often) take himself off to a pub on his own to watch the football, or for a few quiet drinks by himself. He loves his food and loves trying new things so no aversion to restaurants either.

I am largely over what he did, but it's the fact he just hasn't stepped up since.

I have to agree with PP here, It's odd, especially if it's never happened in the past.

DH and I go out for dinner quite a lot - either with DS or not. One of us will just suggest going X place for dinner, we will ask family sitters, if noone available he comes if we can get him looked after he doesn't and we both make an effort. I can't imagine sitting there staring at DH annoyed that he hasn't sorted something out without knowing I want him to do so - he's not a mind reader.

You are being too precious

I don't think Op is being passive. Reading between the lines, her DH has generally neglected her, then done something really bad (affair?), something which he's professed to be sorry for, while saying he will pay her more attention going forward....and then he hasn't.

Short, sharp shock needed Op.

Saying you want to go out more is a bit wooly op, say 'I want us to go out together next week end, I'll ring mum/family and you sort out something for us to do', that way you know you're getting an evening out but he still has to go to some effort to make it nice. There's no point in just waiting for something to happen if it hasn't for the last year.

But he knows I want him to take me out... I didn't briefly mention this in passing years ago and have been quietly stewing ever since. I've told him many times, he's very aware.

FWIW, before kids, he used to take me out all the time. Would surprise me with lovely meals, days out, trips to London, hotel stays. Naturally we can't do all of those things now that we have kids, but my point is, he knows how to plan these kind of things, he knows what I like and he knows how important I think one on one time is, but he's doing nothing about it.

How can I get him to understand the importance of him making an effort if I'm the one that has to plan/take him on the day/evening out?

Agree no one is saying you need to do it all, but sitting waiting and not wishing to do any of it is a bit odd. Him showing he cares should be about how he treats you every single day. Not whether he wishes to go and see a movie.

So if you want this to work, then say ok how about dinner and a movie on x date, I will sort thr child care, you book the tickets/make the reservations. Then split the cost or take it out of the joint account or whatever,

Surely the point is spending time together. Not who books it,?

"How can I get him to understand the importance of him making an effort if I'm the one that has to plan/take him on the day/evening out?"

Demonstrate the behaviour you want to see, sort childcare, book a night out and see how it goes. If he doesn't co-operate, he has checked out. If he enjoys it, it may well spur him on to do it himself. Why not say each of you can take it in turns to plan a night each month? He might not be responding to you if you're coming across whiney.

Ok I might as well just say what he did so that I maybe seem less OTT for wanting some effort from him...

He cheated on me whilst I was suffering with PND shortly after the birth of our second dc. As a result of this huge bombshell being dropped in my lap, I decided he massively needed to make more of an effort with me, put things right, actually want to spend one on one time with me and show me he was doing all he could to correct his awful behaviour. So in retrospect, it might 'just be a meal', but to me, date nights and reconnecting are one of the things I asked for after finding out what he did, so of course it now upsets me that dates/effort are nowhere to be seen and why I don't think it should be left up to me to arrange.

I dunno, perhaps I am being unreasonable and I should be the one doing half of the planning.

I don't think this is anything to do with him not taking you out. It's more to do with him respecting you as his partner. Sometimes i think as women we look for physical signs of what we want to see as closeness and intimacy.

I'd have a think about what you're really trying to achieve. Because it doesn't sound like a date night is it. It sounds like you really want more from him than he's capable of giving at the moment.

Is he just acting as he always has though? Has he ever been the type that takes you out for dinner etc?

It sounds like he's had an affair, as PPs have suggested. Could it be that the affair is still going on, and he doesn't want to risk his g/f seeing him taking you out for romantic meals and walks along the beach?

Or (more likely) he is just one of the many people who are relieved they don't need to jump through emotional hoops and put up with all that dating shit they never enjoyed now they're married, thank goodness.

What's more important to you: that he should run around trying to please you in order to atone for what he's done, or that you should spend some quality time together? You may have to pick just one.

Either way, it sounds like he's not that interested in what is important to you. Ask him why not.

He cheated on you just after you#'d given birth and while you had PND? Jesus.

I don't see how a few dates can make up for that. What an absolute cunt.

You are not being unreasonable, your partner needs to put in some effort.

Oooof. OP, you are right, he has a load of ground to recover here. And he's making zero effort. You are not being at all unreasonable. It takes two people to turn a marriage around and he is investing NOTHING.

It sounds to me like he's checked out. I'd be asking whether he wants this to work or not, because on current levels of input, the marriage seems to be over.

You deserve better than infidelity and indifference. I don't agree that he should do all the running to mend things - but he definitely needs to put in at least half of the effort.