Husband and date nights - am I in the wrong?

[JustNeedSomeOpinions]

Apologies if this has been done before, but just wanting a second opinion as the longer I wait to be taken out, the more I start to doubt whether or not I’m being unreasonable for wanting a date in the first place!

Had a long chat with DH just over a year ago (following a very turbulent patch brought about by his stupid, yet shitty actions at the time) about the importance of date nights, or at least, how important I thought they were, and the benefits of having one on one time, feeling close to one another again etc.
Since then, he’s taken me out once. My mum watched our DC’s and we went on a bike ride and stopped off for a pub lunch en route home. It was a lovely, cheap and cheerful day which we both seemed to enjoy so thought we’d do more of the same, but nothing ever materialised.

Since that date, which was about 9 months ago, I’ve mentioned a few times about going out, having dinner somewhere local and cheap, maybe roping his family in to help with childcare so we can go for a child-free walk along the local beach, have a look in some of the lovely vintage stores close to our home (without the hassle of manoeuvring a double buggy in narrow aisles full of expensive objects), or a nice glass of wine in a pub close by etc, but it seems to have been constantly falling on deaf ears.

Last month, DH went away for a long weekend with some friends, when he returned, I told him that seeing as he could save up so much money for a trip with his mates, it’d be nice if he could put £30 aside for a cheap meal for us soon seeing as we'd only been out the once in over a year.
He agreed, and promised he’d arrange childcare this month and he’ll take me out. Well, no plans have been made for this month as of yet, and there are only two weekends left... he’s not asked neither my nor his family to watch our DC’s over the next couple weeks (I would know if he had spoken with them and the only babysitters we ever use are family), so I've now made arrangements for us to see my family next weekend and seeing as he didn't mention about having plans for the two of us, I'm assuming nothing was going ahead date-wise for this upcoming weekend.. leading me to resign myself to accepting the fact that a date won’t be happening this month either.

Now, I know I might receive some replies saying ‘why don’t you take him out?’ and while yes, I could do that, this is about me wanting to see some effort from my DH. My mum took our DC’s out a few weekends ago, and I had to ask DH three times to pop to the pub with me for one drink, and even then he sat looking at his phone the whole time.

DH and I have had a rocky few years, and although I could put my hands in my own pockets and treat him, he frankly has a lot to make up for (various things which I won’t go in to right now) hence why I’ve mentioned the importance of us bonding again over date days/nights which he has instigated and put effort in to, but nothing ever happens!

I’m not expecting nor asking for frequent trips to Michelin star restaurants - we’re lucky that we live in an area where there are so many restaurants all with competitive prices and lovely food - so we’d never need to spend a fortune for a nice afternoon/evening together every other month.

But am I asking for too much by wanting to be taken out in the first place? I don't even know anymore if it's wrong for a wife to want to be taken out for a meal by her husband? Am I being a princess? I genuinely don't know.

I totally get that you want him
To show that you register as important in his life. But you don't. That's the reality from what you posted, even before you posted your update. He sounds like a tosser. Sorry

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. You need him to make you feel valued and have suggested a way. He could suggest other ways if he preferred but it seems like he isn’t making much effort at all. What about counselling so you can work out a way forward together?

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. Seeking a bit of validation and effort from your partner is not a bit ask and considering your update, he definitely needs to pull his finger out.

I hope you are on the other side of your PND. Maybe have some time to yourself. Leave him with the kids for an evening and take up hobby/ see friends just to get some self care in.

I hate the term 'date night' you're married and you children, it's just going out.

Why don't you arrange the baby sitter and say 'dh, we're child free on this day I want to go out- sort something' or 'I want to see x movie, we have a baby sitter on this day let's go and have some food after' instead of waiting around for something that isn't going to happen? Sounds like it's time for you to accept he isn't suddenly going to start doing this stuff on his own. It feels like you really haven't forgiven what ever he did and this is a way for you to vent that.

When me and dh have a child free evening I don't usually want to go out, it's so nice to just be at home in the quiet and do what I want.

Another saying he's checked out of the relationship. He shagged someone else when you were at your lowest ebb, you 'forgave' him, but he makes zero effort to make it up to you, makes time to go out with friends or by himself but not with you, and when you both DID go out he was playing on his phone. Are you sure the affair is over?

I think you're flogging a dead horse here.

I agree with you. I think the issue here is that you want to see effort in your relationship, which doesn't necessarily need to take the form of date nights, but that was the suggestion you provided. He's agreed with that, and failed to follow up. It now seems like an empty promise. If this is a deal breaker, which it should be given you drew a line based on it, I'd have a frank conversation with him at the end of the month if he hasn't fulfilled his promise. Keep it short, keep it clear.

"DH, we agreed that this relationship needs you to contribute effort in order to work on 'this date'. I suggested this take the form of date nights, to which you agreed on 'this date'. You did not follow through with this, and when reminded on 'this date', you said you'd do it this month. This month has now ended, without you fulfilling that commitment. You seem to have checked out of this relationship, as such I will be booking us relationship counselling to discuss how to move forward, which will include options like divorce as I am unwilling to continue in a relationship where my effort is not matched, and my partner is unable to be trusted on his word. I will let you know when the appointment."

If he isn't stepping up to the plate then it is because he doesn't want to, sorry. You have been massively forgiving.

Shock horror - man who cheats continues to act like a selfish prick after they've been taken back.

You deserve so much better OP, this leopard isn't going to change his spots.

I feel sad for you, OP. You're looking for the grand gesture, but maybe that's really not his thing, or maybe he's just not that bothered.

Either way, compatibility is a problem.

This is who he is OP & you deserve better.

Ok but making an effort can and should be way more than a "date night" every two months. It should be about how he treats you day to day, and also how you treat him.

Yes he's done a terrible thing, but the relarionship can't then turn into he has to constantly do penance and make it up to you. Either you forgive or you don't. And you don't. You want to but you don't.

So on a day to day basis how does he treat you? How do you treat him? How is the relarionship?

How can I get him to understand the importance of him making an effort if I'm the one that has to plan/take him on the day/evening out?

It’s only important to you - he doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to spend time with you. He just agreed to this to shut you and make you stay with him.

He is doing the bare minimum he can so that he can continue to enjoy the current domestic arrangement because it suits him.

I’m sorry to be so blunt. Your have a marriage in name only, he has check out.

It was your condition that he should make an effort. He hasn’t and so you now have to decide what your response is. Accept it or call it a day.

Personally I think it wasn’t the right condition to make. There was more work to do on your relationship. It was not simply a matter of reverting to dating and hand holding.

We usually have about one thing planned at any time. Frequency is about one thing a month, be it a trip to the theatre, meal, event, day in the park or movie. But it starts with a conversation between us around something that interests both of us.

Sounds like this relationship is dead in the water, sorry.
You want him to right his wrongs, he doesn't want to.

He doesn't want to make it up to you.

I'm sorry

Hi
I am really sorry to read all this. I have been you, without the cheating, but my partner basically stopped making an effort. It hurts doesnt it.
In my experience if things were going to change they would have by now. I spent 3 years waiting and also not receiving xmas or birthday presents from my other half - I'm not materialistic but it's the thought that matters and clearly wasnt there.
I now am with an amazing man. We have regular date nights and he is very thoughtful - the little stuff matters as much as the big stuff. I think your bloke having his phone out in the pub says it all, he is not interested. Go and find someone who treats you with the kindness and thought you deserve or be on your own, it's better for you than being with someone who doesn't value you. Good luck x

I understand completely Op

You just want him to give a shit and use a little initiative.

It sounds like another chat is needed. Me and dh have kind of neglected each other as adults outside of the home. Still affectionate but very rarely get the chance to be child free and just us without worrying about waking a child up or whatever.

I sat him down a week ago and said we need us time as MrsTheCat and MrTheCat before there might not be an us anymore.

It seemed to hit a nerve as we have already been out for a meal just us two and booked to go away childfree for a night. Joint effort to book these things mind but he was fully involved in wanting to do these things and in a way seems more enthusiastic than I am now.

Also given what you've been through he is taking you so for granted.

Are you sure that the weekend away with friends wasn't actually with the OW?

so you have been out just the 2 of you very recently?

OP said for one drink and he was constantly on his phone. Hardly a date night.

I think it sounds like he doesn't care OP. That's sad but it doesn't sound good does it?

It shouldn't be that much work...trying to have fun with your partner.

I hate the idea of date nights, the only couples I know who have them are people whose marriage is in the toilet.

He's not making an effort because he can't be bothered.The way he sees it is that you have forgiven him his infedelity so basically he can carry on doing what he likes with no consequences. Sounds like he's just staying for the easy option (or the kids) but emotionally he has checked out.