Husband and date nights - am I in the wrong?

[JustNeedSomeOpinions]

Apologies if this has been done before, but just wanting a second opinion as the longer I wait to be taken out, the more I start to doubt whether or not I’m being unreasonable for wanting a date in the first place!

Had a long chat with DH just over a year ago (following a very turbulent patch brought about by his stupid, yet shitty actions at the time) about the importance of date nights, or at least, how important I thought they were, and the benefits of having one on one time, feeling close to one another again etc.
Since then, he’s taken me out once. My mum watched our DC’s and we went on a bike ride and stopped off for a pub lunch en route home. It was a lovely, cheap and cheerful day which we both seemed to enjoy so thought we’d do more of the same, but nothing ever materialised.

Since that date, which was about 9 months ago, I’ve mentioned a few times about going out, having dinner somewhere local and cheap, maybe roping his family in to help with childcare so we can go for a child-free walk along the local beach, have a look in some of the lovely vintage stores close to our home (without the hassle of manoeuvring a double buggy in narrow aisles full of expensive objects), or a nice glass of wine in a pub close by etc, but it seems to have been constantly falling on deaf ears.

Last month, DH went away for a long weekend with some friends, when he returned, I told him that seeing as he could save up so much money for a trip with his mates, it’d be nice if he could put £30 aside for a cheap meal for us soon seeing as we'd only been out the once in over a year.
He agreed, and promised he’d arrange childcare this month and he’ll take me out. Well, no plans have been made for this month as of yet, and there are only two weekends left... he’s not asked neither my nor his family to watch our DC’s over the next couple weeks (I would know if he had spoken with them and the only babysitters we ever use are family), so I've now made arrangements for us to see my family next weekend and seeing as he didn't mention about having plans for the two of us, I'm assuming nothing was going ahead date-wise for this upcoming weekend.. leading me to resign myself to accepting the fact that a date won’t be happening this month either.

Now, I know I might receive some replies saying ‘why don’t you take him out?’ and while yes, I could do that, this is about me wanting to see some effort from my DH. My mum took our DC’s out a few weekends ago, and I had to ask DH three times to pop to the pub with me for one drink, and even then he sat looking at his phone the whole time.

DH and I have had a rocky few years, and although I could put my hands in my own pockets and treat him, he frankly has a lot to make up for (various things which I won’t go in to right now) hence why I’ve mentioned the importance of us bonding again over date days/nights which he has instigated and put effort in to, but nothing ever happens!

I’m not expecting nor asking for frequent trips to Michelin star restaurants - we’re lucky that we live in an area where there are so many restaurants all with competitive prices and lovely food - so we’d never need to spend a fortune for a nice afternoon/evening together every other month.

But am I asking for too much by wanting to be taken out in the first place? I don't even know anymore if it's wrong for a wife to want to be taken out for a meal by her husband? Am I being a princess? I genuinely don't know.

I'm 100% positive nothing is going on with the woman he cheated with, and know that he went away with friends for a fact.
I have no concerns regarding him continuing to see the OW, it's literally just a case of he agreed to a bunch of things when I took him back, and he hasn't followed up on them.

We went out for one pint about 3/4 weeks ago. My mum took both DC's out for the day, it was a lovely, I had to ask him three times to go out for a drink with me. First time asking 'I can't really be bothered', to which I said, 'we never go out, let's go for a little walk and grab a drink, it'll be nice'.. his response, 'id rather stay in', me 'I really think we should use this alone time to get out of the house, even if it's only for half an hour', him 'ok then'. Get to the pub, order drinks, sit down and chat for ten minutes, he then goes on his phone until drinks are finished and I say 'shall we just head back then?'

A lovely sunny day * that should have said!

Bettys comment struck me OP because I thought that too...about date nights being something couples do when things are pretty bad.

You should both want to do things...spend time together. You should not be the only one flogging the horse.

Why are you even bothering? He sounds pretty rude and unpleasant.

I don’t think your being unreasonable at all.

Wow I could have written this post verbatim! I have exactly the same issue as you op even down to him "messing up" I.e he was sexting ow at work. I have always stressed that I feel abandoned and excluded as he works away on average one week a month or every two months and goes out to dinners/drinks
I feel.its important we spend time together and I try my hardest to reiterate to him and like you suggest his family chip in with this for childcare as it always comes to mine if we ever wanna do a "date night" which I think is unfair because it's just me doing all the work. It's almost like he doesmy wanna spend time with me and that's the craw of it.

Again. I've suggested we go out but he always suggests the local pub which is a bit boring and repetitive. And that its gotta be my sister to watch dc..I feel your frustration and at my wits end ad well with it all

I think his behaviour is really hurtful and you are not being passive aggressive- you have clearly told him how you feel. It's not much to ask that he arrange something for you to do together. I guess now it's up to you where you draw the line- it's been 9 months and nothing. How long do you wait? And as a PP said, sitting on his phone when out with you is an issue - now that's passive aggressive.

He doesn't care, OP. It's too much effort. You're not worth that much to him

Sorry, OP, but I agree with some PPs- it sounds like he's already checked out of your relationship.

Wrt the organisation of 'date nights' (which really is just shorthand for going out with your partner, just the two of you)- this was one of the things that led to the break up of my marriage. To be fair, XH would fully engage while we were out- but he never made the slightest bit of effort to organise something, not even a mention of a new film/play/restaurant/whatever. This also extended to organising holidays. In the end, added to the other things that were wrong, I was just exhausted with all the effort required and, yes, hurt that he didn't feel I was worth making that tiny bit of effort for.

You gave your H the chance, which many women would not have done, to help repair your marriage after he royally fucked it up. Instead of feeling grateful that you gave him that chance and putting all his energies into working with you to fix everything, he has sat back and let you make all the effort. Again.

It's time to cut him loose I'm afraid- he doesn't care about your feelings or your marriage.

I have no concerns regarding him continuing to see the OW, it's literally just a case of he agreed to a bunch of things when I took him back, and he hasn't followed up on them

Sorry but he doesn't want to, he no longer cares and you are just convenient for now. I know that sounds harsh and I didn't want it to.

This is like a script I have seen on here time and time again (and of course I too have fallen for it in the dim and distant past) as the saying goes, he is telling you how he feels, listen to him.

I think I asked on here with regard to same problem and all the responses I received boiled down to"

HE just doesn't seem like he wants to spend time with YOU one to one

That really stuck out. Hes ok going places as a family and he actually suggests holidays or trips to out at times it just seems like hes ot bothered when it's just is two so in feel like I just have to accept it

Honestly if I was you I'd be getting someone to look after the DC next weekend and sitting down to say something along the lines of:

"Obviously we went through a rough patch X time ago, one of the things we talked about to get the relationship back on track was for you to put some effort into 'us' and arranging time for us to spend together without the children.

You arranged one trip, when we went to XYZ but nothing since. This makes me feel that you don't want to make an effort and don't value me.

I arranged for us to go to the pub the other week but you weren't that keen to go and spent quite a lot of time on your phone when we were there. That made me feel quite sad and question whether you've checked out of our relationship."

...and then take things from there.

Ok well I feel slightly better in knowing I'm not being massively unreasonable, but now I'm not sure what to do going forward.

Do I arrange our days/evenings out so that we actually do go out, even though I desperately want him to be making that effort?

Do I accept that we've only had one day out in almost a year, so things will likely never change?

Do I wait til this Month is over and have a chat with him again?

Leaving him over a lack of dates seems absurd when you say it out loud, but I just don't know what more I can say or do to make him see the importance of it all

Just fuck him off- he obviously wasn't sincere about making an effort, and just fobbed you off before returning to business as usual. He doesn't value you, he's lazy and he's selfish.

What is the point?

I would also take some time to think about what your boundaries are.

He may say he hasn't checked out, will make the effort, etc but then fail to follow through again.

You need to be clear in your own mind as to how much longer you'd be willing to put up with the exact same behaviour because this shouldn't be all about whether he wants to stay with you but whether you feel he's adding value to your life.

Leaving him over a lack of dates seems absurd when you say it out loud

I think you need to be clear that this isn't about 'the dates' it's about feeling loved, appreciated and that your partner wants to spend time with you beyond just co-parenting or occupying the same home.

You have two choices. Accept the (shit) status quo, or leave. I'm so sorry, but I don't see there being any chance of this permanently improving.

He doesn't see you as you. He sees you as the little wife he has to placate, the childcare provider (I'm guessing who does most of the work?), the handy second income, the passive company so he's not alone in the evenings, the opportunity to have sex without effort.

Even if he madly loved another woman, it's so much easier being with you, where he's already got the house, the kids etc. Do you want to be the easy option?

Oh OP, I found your last post so sad to read. You wouldn’t be leaving because of a lack of dates, it would be because your partner is making the sum contribution of fuck all to your relationship. He’s been pretty clear about the way things will be going forward by his actions - it’s up to you now to make your decisions about what you can/can’t live with 💐

You wouldn't be leaving him over a lack of dates, you'd be leaving him (if that's what you choose to do) over a lack of respect for you.

Life is pretty short. You deserve more xx

OP, YANBU one little bit. He promised to step up - he hasn't. He isn't making any effort at all. Anyone who says YABU hasn't read the entire first post, never mind the later updates.

It sounds like he is in full on selfish mode - he doesn't want to go out when you do, then when he's persuaded into it, he sits playing on his phone instead of giving you any of his oh so valuable time. That is not acceptable. He never suggests the two of you going out off his own initiative. Yet he can made the effort to go away with friends.

This is not a loving relationship at all. If you did decide to leave him, it wouldn't be because of "a lack of dates", it would be because of his total failure to respect you, your needs and wishes, and his total failure to deliver on the things he promised when you took him back after the affair other than one single occasion.

Think long and hard about what your desired outcome is - there's no point giving him an ultimatum if you won't actually carry out the threat. But if this is the last straw for you then I certainly wouldn't blame you.

I get what you mean. I’m guessing you plan and organise 99% if things in your lives. So sometimes it would be nice for him to make the effort instead and “woo” you a bit. Plus by the sounds of it he owes you. Reading between the lines it seems like he needs the fix up or fuck off chat

Leaving him because he isn't investing in your relationship doesn't seem harsh but an eminently reasonable reason. Do you really want another few decades of this?

You told him what he needed to do to make the relationship right. You know he can do it. He has not done it. Ergo, he doesn’t want to make the relationship right.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but it looks from what you’ve said like he takes you for granted because you forgave something that many people would find unforgivable. He thinks he can do anything and you won’t leave him. It’s up to you to decide if that’s true or not-how much do you value yourself?

He cheated, and hasn’t made much effort since.

He clearly isn’t bothered about your feelings and wishes.

And yes, doesn’t think he needs to do anything differently.

Do I arrange our days/evenings out so that we actually do go out, even though I desperately want him to be making that effort?

You don't want this. You want him to want to do this, to show he cares and values you, to show he knows repairing the relationship is his responsibility. But he doesn't. Even if you forced him to and he did, it's not about that, you would still feel empty about it. He simply doesn't care enough about you to do this.

He has worked out the absolute bare minimum he can do to keep the sex, childcare and housework flowing and doesn't care to do any more. You need to up the minimum. Or leave, which is what I would hope I would do.