Husband and date nights - am I in the wrong?

[JustNeedSomeOpinions]

Apologies if this has been done before, but just wanting a second opinion as the longer I wait to be taken out, the more I start to doubt whether or not I’m being unreasonable for wanting a date in the first place!

Had a long chat with DH just over a year ago (following a very turbulent patch brought about by his stupid, yet shitty actions at the time) about the importance of date nights, or at least, how important I thought they were, and the benefits of having one on one time, feeling close to one another again etc.
Since then, he’s taken me out once. My mum watched our DC’s and we went on a bike ride and stopped off for a pub lunch en route home. It was a lovely, cheap and cheerful day which we both seemed to enjoy so thought we’d do more of the same, but nothing ever materialised.

Since that date, which was about 9 months ago, I’ve mentioned a few times about going out, having dinner somewhere local and cheap, maybe roping his family in to help with childcare so we can go for a child-free walk along the local beach, have a look in some of the lovely vintage stores close to our home (without the hassle of manoeuvring a double buggy in narrow aisles full of expensive objects), or a nice glass of wine in a pub close by etc, but it seems to have been constantly falling on deaf ears.

Last month, DH went away for a long weekend with some friends, when he returned, I told him that seeing as he could save up so much money for a trip with his mates, it’d be nice if he could put £30 aside for a cheap meal for us soon seeing as we'd only been out the once in over a year.
He agreed, and promised he’d arrange childcare this month and he’ll take me out. Well, no plans have been made for this month as of yet, and there are only two weekends left... he’s not asked neither my nor his family to watch our DC’s over the next couple weeks (I would know if he had spoken with them and the only babysitters we ever use are family), so I've now made arrangements for us to see my family next weekend and seeing as he didn't mention about having plans for the two of us, I'm assuming nothing was going ahead date-wise for this upcoming weekend.. leading me to resign myself to accepting the fact that a date won’t be happening this month either.

Now, I know I might receive some replies saying ‘why don’t you take him out?’ and while yes, I could do that, this is about me wanting to see some effort from my DH. My mum took our DC’s out a few weekends ago, and I had to ask DH three times to pop to the pub with me for one drink, and even then he sat looking at his phone the whole time.

DH and I have had a rocky few years, and although I could put my hands in my own pockets and treat him, he frankly has a lot to make up for (various things which I won’t go in to right now) hence why I’ve mentioned the importance of us bonding again over date days/nights which he has instigated and put effort in to, but nothing ever happens!

I’m not expecting nor asking for frequent trips to Michelin star restaurants - we’re lucky that we live in an area where there are so many restaurants all with competitive prices and lovely food - so we’d never need to spend a fortune for a nice afternoon/evening together every other month.

But am I asking for too much by wanting to be taken out in the first place? I don't even know anymore if it's wrong for a wife to want to be taken out for a meal by her husband? Am I being a princess? I genuinely don't know.

You wouldn't be leaving over lack of dates. In fact, and I mean this kindly, getting caught up in the logistics of who plans dates, when he last suggested one, etc, is a distraction from the real issue.
To quote Dr Phil - your husband drove the car off the road so he has to be the one to make all the effort to get it back on there.
You don't sound ready to leave him yet so I suggest you start to build a life that doesn't centre around waiting for him. Arrange to go out with your friends either arrange childcare or leave the DCs with him. Start to find pleasure in your life not just as an appendage to his. Then, when you feel stronger and more confident, you can call time on this relationship.
I'm sorry he has treated you so badly

He’s caused a rough patch in your marriage, made the right noises when you’ve outlined what needs to change for your relationship to work but not acted on it?

Leave him. He’s not Sorry - he’s comfortable and knows he can say what it is you want to hear but not actually follow through. When people are genuinely sorry they make an effort to right their wrongs.

I know exactly what you mean.

I've been divorced for many years and one of the main things (not the only issue) was that he wouldn't take any initiative about anything. I had to decide where we would go, what we would do, organise the children or babysitters.

Once, I had a birthday coming up, and told him the only thing I wanted was to just be told to be ready for a specific time and him to do the rest.

It didn't happen - yes he booked somewhere but on the day, when I was ready to go and we were waiting for the babysitter and she didn't come. I suggested he rang her to check and he asked me what time I booked her for??????????? What part of him organising did he not understand - it took me 4 years but that was the day I knew it was a case of when not if we split up.

My son's previous partner finished her relationship relationship for the same reason. He couldn't understand what she meant. 'I'm so easy going, I'll go along with whatever she decides and if she asks me to do something I do it'. Luckily the new one does like to be in charge and although she moans about his lack of initiative she moans more when he does something that she hasn't decided so it evens out

Sorry just see your other updates. Yep he needs to make effort and plan / organise stuff. It sounds like he used to be able to do it well so l assume he’s lazier these days. He fucked up during a point you needed him most which is fairly unforgivable. Is he complacent enough to think you won’t throw him out and divorce him?

If you have to ask someone 3 TIMES to go out with you for a drink (when he clearly didn’t want to!) and he then spent all the time on his phone and wanted home as soon as he’d swallowed the last mouthful of his drink.....it’s really a lost cause. As others have said, you’re not leaving over lack of ‘dates’ you’d surely be leaving over his total lack of interest in your marriage

OP in the nicest possible way - this relationship is over.

Rather than being a princess you’re simply asking for a bare minimum of input to prove that he’s still invested in this relationship.

He can’t even do that. He’s not invested. He doesn’t care.

You are the one doing all the work - forgiving him for cheating, organising date nights, he just turns up and looks at his phone.

Don’t waste your life flogging a dead horse.

Have you read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman?
Nobody on here has the slightest idea about your relationship. For all we know, your DH thinks that he is showing you he loves you every day, but perhaps he is doing so in a way that does not register with you. You want him to make some effort and take time out with you, but does he tell you he appreciates you, do things to help you, cuddle up to you in bed? Maybe he thinks he's doing OK. How do you show that you love him?

If you're waiting for him to do something as a test that he really loves you, you're on a hiding to nothing. Get on with showing him that you love him, and you'll be halfway to solving this.

Or give up on the relationship because some people on the internet said you should.

PS obvs the affair was a big deal. Did you work through the reasons for it together, or did it just end when you found out, and both you hoped to get back to where you were before he did that?

Op, he doesn’t love you anymore.

You know this deep down.

If he did he wouldn’t risk your marriage at such a vulnerable time, and would have made a far bigger effort than he has done to date.

He spent the only evening you had together on his phone! Dear god what more does he need to do? I would have stood up and walked out.

You are not leaving him because of a few dates, you will be leaving him because he cheated and it has destroyed your marriage.

You deserve so much more than this. What a total dick.

You're focusing on the wrong thing here.

He cheated. Leave him and move on - he's never going to make you happy. Even if he did start taking you out for meals and dates, it wouldn't change anything.

obvs the affair was a big deal.

You think?

Have you read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman?

What Love Language is cheating?

“love languages”?

If we’re talking self help books “Not that into you” seems more appropriate.

Sorry OP, I agree with pp's. He's checked out. He's likely only still there because he doesn't want the upheaval of a break up or he doesn't want to look like the bad guy. But he's had plenty of time to make an effort and show you he appreciates you and he hasn't done it.

You have to make your choice based on who he is now. Not who he used to be or could be in the future. I learnt that lesson the hard way!

I think you’d be leaving him because he doesn’t really give a shit, not because he didn’t book dinner.

I feel sorry for you. He really doesn't seem to care about you any more and you seem to be hanging in in there waiting for grand gestures to prove he loves you.

Bin him off. You deserve better. Much better.

You wouldn't be leaving him over "lack of date nights etc" you'd be leaving him because he's a cheat who's made no effort once so ever to mend your relationship or try again after you took him back!

I'm sorry OP but he clearly doesn't care about the relationship. If he did he'd be doing. Everything in his power to save it

I also think you're flogging a dead horse here.

It's not the lack of dates, that's silly, and although you've not directly answered the question on the day to day it seems he doesn't wish to go out alone with you and when he does he'd rather be on the phone than actually communicate with you

It's not about who makes the effort to organise it, that's the wrong hill to die on, it's about how you interact with each other, how compatible you are.

The issue here is do you wish to leave? I suspect you don't if you've not already and he's cheated, and he continues to blank you like this.

So the question is is there any point in keeping on at this if you don't intend to go and he won't get more interested. Maybe it's better to accept he's checked out and you don't want to leave. So accept the status quo?

His apology should have been as loud as his disrespect.

It wasn't. You've even told him how to fix his massive fuck up and still he isn't.

I'm so sorry, but you deserve your husbands attention as a bare minimum. He isn't even meeting the minimum as far as I can see.

What did he actually do that almost ruined your relationship? My DH is rarely proactive in this stuff. Even if I stood naked in front of him, tweaking my nipples and said you’ll get these if you book dinner in a pub tonight then he wouldn’t manage it! I don’t sweat it now because I’m a marriage you have to pick your battles but he would never sit on his phone while we are out. That’s a massive no from either of us. Are the two of you actually compatible?

PS obvs the affair was a big deal. Did you work through the reasons for it together, or did it just end when you found out, and both you hoped to get back to where you were before he did that?

Most affairs are caused by the same thing - a very large sense of entitlement from the cheating partner.

Sounds like the OPs husband to a T.

I'd arrange a sitter, get dressed up in clothes that you feel really confident in, then drag him down to a pub, remove his phone from his fist, make him look you in the eye and say in a neutral voice, without anger or blame, but with direct confidence:

'We have a chance to be really happy. To have fun together as a couple and as a family. But we're letting that chance pass us by and that really concerns me. This is failing. Do you want to be the kind of man who lives apart from his kids because he couldn't be arsed to make amends with his marriage? Is your dick still more important to you than your family? Because you seem to have checked out of our marriage and you know that I want more from life than this.'

Make him answer the questions. They aren't rhetorical.
Then get him to buy a round of drinks and to look on his phone for fun stuff you could do and suggest three or four things, then book at least one right then.

The world is full of feckless sadsacks who think the grass is greener on the other side because they can't be arsed to put the effort into their marriage. Does he want to join them? Or does he want to be proud of himself as a good father and husband. Those roles aren't publically valued enough these days. They should be.

You would t be leaving him over a lack of dates.

You would be leaving him because you want to.

That is allowed.

I just read that he had an affair. No wonder you are seething. So he can make effort to date another woman but not you? He’s checked out and really isn’t bothered. If this is his “effort” then blimey. Are you sure he’s not still seeing her? Did he actually want another chance? It doesn’t sound like he’s trying

My 1st husband cheated too. I didn't leave and hoped he would change. He didn't. Despite me repeatedly telling him that he needed to change or the marriage was over, he didn't believe me, and carried on not valuing the marriage.

After 4 years of this, I told him that our 20 year marriage was over, and that I needed him to buy me out, so that I could leave and get a smaller home, and that I was filing for divorce. He looked at me like it was the first time I had ever said anything about the marriage being in trouble. Literally begged me for months not to leave him.

Men don't listen until it is too late in my humble opinion. Or they just don't believe you have the balls to leave. Until you do.

I don't think he will change until you tell him it's over.

Having read your later replies ignore my initial responses. Fuck that, if he can screw you over and then not go above and beyond to make it up to you he isn't worth your time. You wouldn't be finishing with him because of lack of dates, the affair would be the root cause and his inability to demonstrate to you in a meaningful way, that you have laid out, how to earn your trust and forgiveness. If anything he will be worse now because he can see he doesn't need to try. You have let him get away with one of the worst things he could do to you, (not saying that as an accusation, you understandably wanted to see if he could redeem himself, but he hasn't) he slept with someone else and he is still allowed to be with you, so why would he need to nurture the relationship? That's how it reads to me anyway. I am sure you're worth so much more.