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Original poster

Partner of 10 years gone back in time??

135 replies

Twinkletoesxoxo · 17/06/2019 09:46

Il keep this short.

Partner of 10 years has completely gone back in time age wise. He’s acting like a 20 year old hanging out with 20 year old boys and girls whilst I’m at home with our newborn and 6 year old. He has also met up with a 19 year old girl and took her out in his car (nothing happened apparently) he is 35 btw! He goes out most nights until 3am with these young boys and girls driving around in his car and basically it seems like he would prefer to hang out with 19 year old girls and boys rather than me and his family.

What do I do? Stick it out and hope it’s just a phase or leave?

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkletoesxoxo · 17/06/2019 11:54

@Jellybeansincognito the money is kind of an issue because I have 2 kids but the most important thing to me is happiness and being a family that is what I want more than anything ... we could live in a tent but as long as we were happy and we were a family I wouldn’t care however I would be lying if I said that money ment nothing to me because it does but only because I have 2 children. If I was on my own I’d be able to work full time and sustain my own life if that makes sense

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 17/06/2019 11:54

I honestly think leaving him will either wake him up or he won't care. Either way, you'll show him you will not tolerate his behaviour any longer. As a PP said - he has two children with you, but was not prepared to secure your future by marrying you or putting your name on the house deeds.

You can't fix him, you can only look after yourself and your DC, as he won't.

madcatladyforever · 17/06/2019 11:57

Bloody hell it's like when your 6 year old regresses when you have a new baby. Maybe you should get him some adult nappies and a dummy.
It would be funny if it wasn't so tragic. What a way for a grown man to behave. Does his mother smother him?
I really do hope this is a phave but it really is bizarre and suggests that he is rebellion g against growing up and having responsibility.
What was he lie before you had the latest baby?

purpleboy · 17/06/2019 11:57

This is so sad. I know you've said you spoken to him, but have you actually told him how this is making you feel, that your considering ending the relationship over it? Or even temporary break, just got to your grandmas for a week. That might be a wake up call?
Or marry him quick then your entitled to half the house (joking obviously)Grin

Drogosnextwife · 17/06/2019 11:58

What job does he have where he warns this kind of money but can kick about the streets with children until 3 in the morning? How on earth is he managing to go to work?

Original poster
Twinkletoesxoxo · 17/06/2019 12:00

@purpleboy yes I have spoken to him several times about how this makes me feel and he just continues to say that he’s not doing anything wrong and he is just having a laugh with his friends and I want him in the house at all times blah blah @madcatladyforever he want fine before his brother passed away and since then he has changed but has changed majorly within the last 7 months and since having the baby

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkletoesxoxo · 17/06/2019 12:01

He works as part of a massive international family business. He has basically been handed a good job within the company because it’s a family business

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 17/06/2019 12:02

Op this clearly isn’t true:

‘Twinkletoesxoxo

@Jellybeansincognito the money is kind of an issue because I have 2 kids but the most important thing to me is happiness and being a family that is what I want more than anything ... we could live in a tent but as long as we were happy and we were a family I wouldn’t care however I would be lying if I said that money ment nothing to me because it does but only because I have 2 children. If I was on my own I’d be able to work full time and sustain my own life if that makes sense’

It clearly does matter because you’re not happy and neither is he and you’re being treated disgracefully and won’t leave.

Orchidflower1 · 17/06/2019 12:03

Op not to sound harsh but you either

  1. put up with his crap and disrespectful behaviour, get and sti check and keep the cash and nice house( for as long as this goes on) or

  2. leave him and hope he loves you and the dc enough to change and have you back. This would mean .......selling a flash car and getting a suitable family car, getting help for his bereavement issues, ditching the teenager life style and finally giving you some commitments eg name on something/ ring.

Only you are living your life but as I random outsider that is how I see it. Ask yourself this, in 1day, 1month and one year how will I feel about this situation if nothing changes.

Isatis · 17/06/2019 12:10

Point out to him that you have the same rights as he does to have fun, have a laugh and be happy, so it's only fair that he take charge of the children at least 5 evenings a fortnight and one day and evening per weekend.

Benes · 17/06/2019 12:12

I suspect he thinks you'll never leave and that the money and house are enough to keep you there waiting for him.

I'd be proving him wrong pretty sharpish.....parents with two young children don't get to go out every night until 3am.

BadgersBum · 17/06/2019 12:14

I wonder if the 19 year old knows you exist? I was 17/18 when I found I had been seeing a married man, I only found out because the lying git forgot to take the baby seat out of the Fiat Uno one night.

Jellybeansincognito · 17/06/2019 12:18

How did you find out about the girl in the car?

ems137 · 17/06/2019 12:24

@Twinkletoesxoxo I also had a very young baby at the time. I let him carry on with it for a bit (not quietly though) but what I did start doing was making mine and the kids lives totally separate from him. I really started to distance ourselves, I stopped telling him about what we had been doing, stopped informing him of appointments or problems, never ever asked him for anything, never encouraged the kids to talk to him (didn't discourage either) and I think mentally I totally detached from him and our relationship. I told his mum what he was doing and also leaned on my own friends and family. I began to feel stronger and he could tell. He knew he had pushed me as far as I would be pushed. He realises he had a choice to make and he made the right one. He saw himself how other people must've seen him. A sad pathetic older man hanging around with kids.

However, I don't think I'd have bothered had he been taking young girls out etc. This was just a group of lads. I would've just sorted my next move out and left one day when he was out.

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/06/2019 12:28

he is just having a laugh with his friends

Has he actually realised yet these teens are not his friends. They only hang around with him for the same reason you do.
Money and lifestyle he can afford.

If you left would you be entitled to anything (would his family “reduce” his salary so he couldn’t afford CM)

Would they want full custody of the children.

I would be planning to leave or telling him to stay with his new found friends.
Make sure you get payslips and proof of finances though

It sounds like he is embarrassing himself

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 17/06/2019 12:31

They only hang around with him for the same reason you do.
Money and lifestyle he can afford.
^^
Ouch! true enough though!

Blitheringheights · 17/06/2019 12:35

I think ems has a good point... you should (or could) stay put for a bit while you start to figure out your own independence and how best to organise your children’s lives, and so on. You have a three month old - even in a couple of months you’ll feel stronger, the baby will be bigger, you can have really thought through a strategy with the help of mumsnetters and taken advantage of having a small baby in a nice house. Though about getting a full time or better paid job etc.

He sounds like an absolute wanker, but you feel free to sort yourself out first. But don’t just drift and hope it’ll be okay! Start saving etc!

1forAll74 · 17/06/2019 12:45

Well,you have another childlike person to deal with now, and a selfish one at that. Besides everything else,I would be worried about he and others having a crash/accident,driving round late at night like this.

It all sounds very odd,but not sure how you should deal with this.

RantyAnty · 17/06/2019 12:46

I think it's very sad that the 10 years you have been together, he hasn't really given you much or shared his good fortune with you.
And yes, it is quite embarrassing he is running around like a teen when he has a family at home.

Did he buy this house while you were together?

How long have you been engaged and who has been stalling on getting married?

Do you have any qualifications of your own?

BearRabbitPants · 17/06/2019 12:46

The mind boggles that decent women put up with this utter tripe off of their shitty partners!!!
I think if DH did this once or twice he'd been in for a bollocking (staying out till 3am on car cruises) but to make it a lifestyle choice AND invite young teenage girls in his car 'for a drive Hmm' - sorry but he would be out of the door. You don't have the security of your own home, but being a single mum on a lower income would mean you were entitled to certain benefits & help with housing. Get your own finances in order sharpish & look for advice financially how to leave this "man" .

Mix56 · 17/06/2019 13:08

Leave, go to your GM, He might notice you are gone when he gets in.

SwishSwishSheesh · 17/06/2019 13:10

OP do you do anything together as a family? Does he spend any time with you? Does he take interest in his children?

OhioOhioOhio · 17/06/2019 13:12

Please, please leave him.

Hecateh · 17/06/2019 13:55

Ok so it's clearly a big house with plenty of room

Do as a previous poster said and distance yourself from him. Stop even trying to include him in things. Move into a spare bedroom, stop being there for him sexually, stop doing his washing and stop cooking for him.

Just look after you and the kids and treat him as a lodger.

You will just be doing the same as him. Why should you act as his life partner if he isn't treating you as his.

He is acting like a spoilt brat and treating you as his mum - and a mum he doesn't even respect.

Original poster
Twinkletoesxoxo · 17/06/2019 14:05

He says that after what happened to his brother dying and leaving behind children he is so worried everyday about something happening to our children that he tries to forget about them and just do his own thing because he thinks that this world is shit and awful and he can’t bare to see anything bad happening to his own children and he is very anxious about this and thinks about them hurting themselves or something bad happening but by distancing himself from them he doesn’t feel so anxious and worried constantly

OP posts:
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