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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner of 10 years gone back in time??

135 replies

Twinkletoesxoxo · 17/06/2019 09:46

Il keep this short.

Partner of 10 years has completely gone back in time age wise. He’s acting like a 20 year old hanging out with 20 year old boys and girls whilst I’m at home with our newborn and 6 year old. He has also met up with a 19 year old girl and took her out in his car (nothing happened apparently) he is 35 btw! He goes out most nights until 3am with these young boys and girls driving around in his car and basically it seems like he would prefer to hang out with 19 year old girls and boys rather than me and his family.

What do I do? Stick it out and hope it’s just a phase or leave?

OP posts:

Jellybeansincognito · 17/06/2019 11:17

Your relationship is clearly over too if being with someone for 10 years doesn’t do enough for your ego.

He is extremely disrespectful.

Original poster

Twinkletoesxoxo · 17/06/2019 11:18

@Jellybeansincognito no you are right it doesn’t, however a lot of this has to do with his brother dying also and he needs help to deal with that but refuses to see a therapist as he thinks it’s too embarrassing

OP posts:

SuzieQ10 · 17/06/2019 11:18

He sounds predatory... a 35 year old man meeting teenagers via Instagram and taking them out for 3am drives in his car.

He sounds like an utter creep. And it can't be innocent. Get an STI test.

Jellybeansincognito · 17/06/2019 11:19

@SuzieQ10 is spot on too.

Original poster

Twinkletoesxoxo · 17/06/2019 11:20

@Apolloanddaphne yes I have my own car and I have a part time job my grandma lives down the road and I can go there any time .... but I don’t want a confrontation or an arguement when I’m packing my things so ideally he would have to be out of the house. A part of me doesn’t want to leave I want things to be ok and to work out but I don’t want to wait around for much longer hoping he will change

OP posts:

Jellybeansincognito · 17/06/2019 11:20

@Twinkletoesxoxo I’m sorry but it’s naive to blame this on his brothers passing. I feel like you’re using that as a block to actually deal with his behaviour.

TheInebriati · 17/06/2019 11:20

It sounds like you don't want to leave, you want to fix him. But there isn't a magic solution to make that happen.
It could be that he thinks you are too dependent on him to leave, and that walking out will give him a shock and make him rethink what he is doing. Or it could be that having some time away from him will make you realise that there is more to your life than waiting for him to catch up.

BitOfFun · 17/06/2019 11:22

He sounds utterly pathetic.

Original poster

Twinkletoesxoxo · 17/06/2019 11:23

Your right I don’t want to leave I’m holding onto hope that he will change soon and wake up and realise that he’s been an idiot. But I won’t hang around forever either because I know I deserve more than this and so do the children but I also don’t want to take them away from there home and unsettle them

OP posts:

Jellybeansincognito · 17/06/2019 11:25

@Twinkletoesxoxo do you not think your partners behaviour is unsettling them already?

Lweji · 17/06/2019 11:26

You can give him a choice.
He commits to the family or he leaves.

Ravingstarfish · 17/06/2019 11:28

Your kids are young enough that they’ll do absolutely fine if you leave. Are you going to wait until they’re older when they’ll be settled at school, they’ll know what’s going on and it will be more disruptive? Will you say ‘sorry your dad doesn’t want to know you and we’re going through hell but hey at least you had a big bedroom for a few years!’
Pack a bag, go to grandmas and tell him to make his mind up.
If you do split you will get financial help to get you on your feet and your kids will appreciate a stable, loving home.

Lweji · 17/06/2019 11:28

Sorry, you leave. Should have read all posts.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/06/2019 11:29

Its HIS home; it does not belong to them nor to you. You are all really staying there by his good grace. He could all too easily turf you all out if he wanted to.

You cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship; neither approach works. This is who he is; such men do not change. You can use all the excuses you want for him but the fact is he is selfish and has acted so throughout your relationship. His current behaviours do not embarrass him.

joystir59 · 17/06/2019 11:30

My ex started behaving like this but was also taking drugs and drinking with her young friends. She went on to have an affair with someone her own age that she met online, and eventually left me for her. The underlying cause of her 'going off the rails' was PTSD caused by a bad car accident which followed straight after several deaths in her family.

barryfromclareisfit · 17/06/2019 11:34

You have to get out.
Get legal advice but be prepared to find you’ll get nothing but child support and not much of that. If he’s self employed his earnings will ‘disappear’ - MNers have seen that happen again and again.
Your life, for the benefit of you and your children, starts today. Don’t waste a minute more on him.

He will not wake up. He will not change. We hear every day of men in similar circumstances meet a new woman and marry her almost immediately, leaving the ‘engaged’ girlfriend with the children, no home, no life of her own and wondering what the hell she did wrong.

You did nothing wrong. He’s showing you who he is. Save yourself.

Pasgaddi · 17/06/2019 11:34

How did he act when your first child was born?

Original poster

Twinkletoesxoxo · 17/06/2019 11:36

Everything was fine before his brother died 1.5 years ago ... when our first child was born everything was fine ... this behaviour is recent and has been going on for around 7 months now

OP posts:

Original poster

Twinkletoesxoxo · 17/06/2019 11:40

But he owns a 1.5m home and has 2 very expensive cars in his name. surely he can’t hide his earnings because won’t a legal team be questioning how he pays for his home and cars?

OP posts:

Ravingstarfish · 17/06/2019 11:41

go today and see if you and the kids are worth changing for.

Drogosnextwife · 17/06/2019 11:41

@Twinkletoesxoxo
Tell him when they teenagers get older they will just see him as a pathetic old man.
I used to hang around with older guys when I was younger)(I'm talking the age of 14-17 and they were about 5 or 6 years older than us) we thought this was great, now I look back and think they were a bit pathetic. While they could have been in the pub etc, they were hanging around the streets with us. Sad!

Quartz2208 · 17/06/2019 11:43

OP things have never been alright - you have never married and have 2 children, you are not on the deeds of the home or the cars and as such have no right to them at all.

He is self employed and therefore very difficult to get money from if you do leave and you think that he would not see or pay for his children or you

I suspect that there is and always has been a power imbalance from the start

Jellybeansincognito · 17/06/2019 11:50

He owns a 1.5 mil home? So? Is this why you don’t want to leave? Because you can’t sustain your lifestyle without him? If that’s so that’s really quite foul.

I mean, I understand to a certain degree but surely you don’t want your children growing up thinking this is normality?

Original poster

Twinkletoesxoxo · 17/06/2019 11:52

Yes there has been a power imbalance he has always been the one to earn more money than me and basically because of that he has more power over the relationship. How can he hide his earnings if he owns a million pound house and 2 cars?

OP posts:

Jellybeansincognito · 17/06/2019 11:53

@Twinkletoesxoxo then leave him? If he thinks he has more power and control over the relationship and you allow that to happen, you are just shit on his shoe, no?

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