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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

We're on hol & seem to have broken upx help :(

110 replies

Maria53 · 15/06/2019 05:46

I was seeing a guy on a casual basis last year for 3 months. We broke up and I thought that would be it, but he kept in touch and eventually became best friends who spent all their time together.

So that lead to a kiss one night and we got back together. But he was moving so it was bittersweet - but the kicker is, he asked me to go with him and I couldn't yet because I had to finish my work contract first. I've now quit that job (have another temporary one) and things have been going from bad to worse. Being with him has been great though, although for the last 2 months we've been LDR we Skype for hours a week and he's been lovingly and supportive.

Now we're together for 6 days, the reunion was fantastic and I had no doubt he was just as happy to be with me. I'm not deluded, i know from previous partners he acts as in love with me as I am with him. But then last night he mentioned how it's still just 'casual and not a relationship right?' and I couldn't believe it. This is someone who has been asking me to move with him, says he still wants that and doesn't want to see anyone else but thinks hes in no fit state to be a proper partner because of his depression (which has flared up lately). I was honestly shocked he didn't now feel this was serious as I did.

He held on to me tightly all last night and seemed upset. I also feel very vulnerable and upset because I am alone with him in a foreign country for another 3 days and yet another thing in my life has gone to shit :( just looking for some support!

OP posts:
Original poster
Maria53 · 15/06/2019 05:57

I just don't know what to do now- we've obviously had plans together and I'm here for another 3 days

OP posts:
Decormad38 · 15/06/2019 06:01

Did you ask him why the hell he has chosen that time to say this. He's left you in a tricky situation. What a knob. How old is the man child?

YouKidsKeepMeYoung · 15/06/2019 06:04

Casual it is then. Don't be with someone who messes you about. If you want to be fuck buddies, that's fine but beware of getting more serious with him in future if he's going to keep doing this.
You can do better than be with someone who uses you as an ego boost OP

Original poster
Maria53 · 15/06/2019 06:06

Yeah I did, I was outraged. He is 24. He said he felt we were almost in a serious full blown relationship and it was time to bring it up - no it isn't the time to bring it up!

As I say, he then changed his tune and said he still wants me to move there and held on to me all night. Anyway my mental health has been suffering lately and this has put me in a bad spot. Obviously hes been the person that supports me and that I often rely on which makes it worse.

OP posts:
Ponieswithponytails · 15/06/2019 06:07

“He’s in no fit state to be a proper partner”

I agree. He’s not showing you that he’s a good guy to be with. Blowing hot and cold is a red flag. Having depression ‘flare up’ is a red flag. Telling you it’s not a relationship is a red flag. He’s using you. And he has you prisoner while you’re away. You get to decide whether its a relationship or not.
If I were you I would play out the rest of the holiday being as non committal as him.
Then cut contact with him with you get home. He’s an arsehole. You don’t need this crap.

KatherineJaneway · 15/06/2019 06:11

Sorry but it sounds to me like he has gotten cold feet. I'd give him an ultimatum, exclusive, serious relationship or nothing at all if it was me. I wouldn't wait on the sidelines of his life being messed about.

Original poster
Maria53 · 15/06/2019 06:11

But what does that mean, play out the rest of the trip being as non committal?

I don't feel up to cuddling and kissing and being romantic now that hes done this. As you say, i feel a prisoner. Last thing I feel like doing is going out and exploring the country I was here to visit with him.

OP posts:
Queenoftheashes · 15/06/2019 06:13

Yeah it sounds like he’s ruined the holiday. Maybe go off on your own? He’s clearly a fuckboy so I’d be running like the wind.

Bixter · 15/06/2019 06:15

I'd just leave, get out with your head held high, get on a flight home. Why waste another moment with someone who clearly doesn't want a relationship.

mybeebop · 15/06/2019 06:25

If it was me, I’d go down to the hotel reception and see if there is another room available. He’s mucking you around. Has he got another girlfriend? Do NOT move with him. He’s essentially broken up with you. What an arse. Don’t accept this shitty behaviour.

Ponieswithponytails · 15/06/2019 06:28

If you are able to leave early then do so. If you are not, say “Yeah I’ve being thinking about what you said and I think you are right. We are just friends. I think it’s best to keep things non-physical right now”.
Then do your own thing until you’re able to leave. Do you feel unsafe?

NameChangerAmI · 15/06/2019 06:33

What a knob! I'd keep a wide birth from him for the next three days & do my own thing, get home, apply for jobs and get out of there asap. How old are you, OP?

For me the worst bit is that he's knowingly let you quit your job and up-sticks to another town/city to be with him. The holiday situation is just the tip of the iceberg.

With him being 24, it makes me think that maybe you're early 20s yourself? Were you living independently before you moved, or still at home?

If at home, could you easily move back if you wanted to, or would you have to rent accommodation?

He does sound like a man child.

HildegardCrowe · 15/06/2019 06:42

Agree with everything that's been said. I broke up with someone on a holiday and also had about 3 days to go. I booked myself another room and spent the rest of the time apart from him, reading and sitting by the pool. He was a complete knob who turned on me when we were on a supposed romantic holiday in Dubai.

Thursday452poh · 15/06/2019 06:45

I remember going on holiday with a now ex and we were pretty much on the verge of breaking up, he was petty and a bit of a twat. He spent a lot of time miserable away and didn’t speak to me for a few days.
To be honest I had a great holiday still, I spent time on my own by the beach relaxing and just left him to it. As far as I was concerned I’d paid a lot of money to go away so he wasn’t going to blooming ruin it!

ohnoessexgirl · 15/06/2019 06:46

Run. And run fast.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 15/06/2019 06:54

Try and enjoy the rest of your holiday by yourself. Then leave and call it a day. Relationships are at supposed to be this hard

Sparky888 · 15/06/2019 06:55

Yeah I’d just play it cool to have as best time away as I could: fine we’re just friends. Still do stuff and explore the country. I def wouldn’t be sexual or give affection. Maybe he just has cold feet or is worrying. My emotions are transient sometimes (this is great/it’s too much/it won’t work out/I’m not good enough)- is he too honest usually?

OnlineAlienator · 15/06/2019 06:55

Alarm bells ringing - he likes you in a position of dependency on him (trapped on holiday, moved away from family and friends) and then cuts the cord while you are dangling. Dont move with/for him!! He is likely to beg and lovebomb to get you to change your mind; see how he's 'clinging to you tightly' after dropping his bombshell? It's kicking you away then pulling you back in like a cat plays with a wounded mouse.

Poor you - have a word with reception about another room or fly home would be my preferred option.

ThinkWittyThoughts · 15/06/2019 06:57

Can you get an earlier flight home?

If no,
Can you get another room in this or another hotel?

If no,
Can you share your room as friends? Ie no sex

If no,
Can you spend the days apart?

If no,
Can you fake a migraine or similar to cover your reluctance to continue the trip and stay in bed "resting" without alerting him?

I really hope you can get through the next few days. I don't think he's worth you wasting any more time on. Focus on your own situation for a bit. Wine

PregnantSea · 15/06/2019 07:02

What a massive wanker. I'm so sorry OP, you have every right to be upset and disappointed.

Firstly, please cut him out of your life when you get home. Permanently. He has behaved very badly and put you through too much by this point. Don't let him hurt you anymore, he's had enough chances. He's really fucked it now and it's beyond repair, so don't give him an inch ever again. Block his number. Move on.

As for the next 72 hours... I know you said the last thing you feel like doing is exploring the country without him, but would you not give it a chance? Can you get a hotel or air bnb? Last minute deals can be really cheap! I know it might be not be what you were hoping for but surely it's better than spending the next 3 days with this arsehole and you crying in front of him and having to share a bed with him. It sounds like absolute torture to me. You don't need to tell him you're booking anything, just wait until you're all packed up and about to go, then tell him you two need some space and you'll talk on Skype when you get home (so you can end it). Or just tell him he's dick and you never want to see him again. Depends on how strong you're feeling in the heat of the moment!

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/06/2019 07:15

Oh no! You quit your job for this fool. There are so many nice men out there. Don’t waste another minute on a man, who expects you to commit totally to him, turn your life upside down but cannot commit to more than being a fuck buddy. Depression does not make someone act like an arsehole.

daffydowndilys · 15/06/2019 07:15

Do you not think that his depression is telling him he's not good enough for you?

Either way you sound incompatible and probably need to end it all and go NC.

GhostRidersInDisguise · 15/06/2019 07:19

Don't angst over him he is a waste of space. Some people are. A lot of people are actually.

Treacletoots · 15/06/2019 07:36

Two options, get yourself another hotel or get on a flight home. I've done both in the past when I realised that 7 days together with someone just wasn't going to work :)

Get yourself on booking.com or similar and move on from this massive man child. It's not going to end well unless you make the ending, that is, to dump him. Sorry.

Mumminmum · 15/06/2019 07:45

I am probably being cynical, but I am thinking that when he clung (clinged? Great! Now all words look misspelled!) to you that might just have been because he realised he had just talked himself out of getting laid for the rest of the holiday.