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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

We're on hol & seem to have broken upx help :(

110 replies

Maria53 · 15/06/2019 05:46

I was seeing a guy on a casual basis last year for 3 months. We broke up and I thought that would be it, but he kept in touch and eventually became best friends who spent all their time together.

So that lead to a kiss one night and we got back together. But he was moving so it was bittersweet - but the kicker is, he asked me to go with him and I couldn't yet because I had to finish my work contract first. I've now quit that job (have another temporary one) and things have been going from bad to worse. Being with him has been great though, although for the last 2 months we've been LDR we Skype for hours a week and he's been lovingly and supportive.

Now we're together for 6 days, the reunion was fantastic and I had no doubt he was just as happy to be with me. I'm not deluded, i know from previous partners he acts as in love with me as I am with him. But then last night he mentioned how it's still just 'casual and not a relationship right?' and I couldn't believe it. This is someone who has been asking me to move with him, says he still wants that and doesn't want to see anyone else but thinks hes in no fit state to be a proper partner because of his depression (which has flared up lately). I was honestly shocked he didn't now feel this was serious as I did.

He held on to me tightly all last night and seemed upset. I also feel very vulnerable and upset because I am alone with him in a foreign country for another 3 days and yet another thing in my life has gone to shit :( just looking for some support!

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 15/06/2019 18:57

When words and ac tions don't marry up, you listen to the underlying message, So he says what he needs to get you and hold you. He acts like a loving partner.

But he then coes out with 'we aren't serious'.

He's an assclown, and Natalie Lue will explain it to you on this podcast: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/podcast-ep-124-10-key-signs-of-emotional-unavailability/

Original poster
Maria53 · 16/06/2019 12:05

Thanks everybody. I was ok yesterday but feeling pretty miserable again today.

We spent all of yesterday together like a normal couple and had a good day. But today I woke up feeling miserable and had to have a good cry. He made an elaborate brunch for us and now he's gone out to 'work's at a cafe for a couple of hours. I just feel overwhelmed by sadness and I can't help it. I'm going to try and go a walk by myself for a while.

It's been 9 months since we met and he's been a daily part of my life. Add to that everything else is going wrong and I just feel pretty lost. The thought of losing him is really hard to bear. I'm going to broach the exclusivity talk with him again later and if he gives the same answer then obviously we have to call it a day for good.

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TeaForTheWin · 16/06/2019 12:36

And if he doesn't give you the same answer are you NOT going to call it a day? I mean isn't that a massive red flag if he says one thing one day and the opposite the next about something like this?

If he genuinely does have Asperger's then perhaps that could be playing a role. But you said he didn't ask if it was a relationship but instead -flat out said it wasn't. That isn't checking for reassurance, that's just being a dick.

JK1773 · 16/06/2019 12:47

My ex did exactly this 2 years ago and were in our 40s. Absolute bastard. I’ve never seen him since we got home. It came from absolutely nowhere. Turns out he’d met someone else but didn’t want to lose what he’d paid for the holiday. Self centred prick

Original poster
Maria53 · 16/06/2019 12:54

I'm just really surprised/shocked this has happened honestly. I feel unimportant to him (even when I know that's not true) and hes been the first guy I've met for a long time that has been like a best friend as well as a lover.

I am now in a huge transition mode where I am moving country, have had to leave my job and now I'm most likely going to have to lose him too. Its everything at once and I'm struggling with it a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maria53 · 16/06/2019 13:02

I also just feel really embarrassed that yet another relationship isn't working out. My close friends etc knew how excited I was about this trip, now I have to report back its went wrong. I got cheated on last year so that relationship went wrong too (except he definitely seemed very committed, but secretly wasnt). I'm just exhausted.

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 16/06/2019 13:03

:(

If it helps at all, maybe when you are old you will look back on it and think 'wow, what an adventure, I really took charge of my own path there and what a strong woman I was'.

And it sounds like the relationship would have run its course if you were moving country anyway right?

Original poster
Maria53 · 16/06/2019 13:06

No, the point is we were in the same country, then he moved for work. He then asked me to go with him and my understanding was this trip was partially seeing what I thought if the city to see if I could see myself living there.

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burnyburny · 16/06/2019 13:06

I got cheated on last year so that relationship went wrong too (except he definitely seemed very committed, but secretly wasnt).

Why "except"? Seems no different from this then, really?

Original poster
Maria53 · 16/06/2019 13:10

Well we were definitely in a relationship. Had become part of each other's families etc and together longer. Were about to move in together then he cheated. He was 25.

I'm worried it's me. And that my family will start giving me side eye wondering what's wrong with me!

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TeaForTheWin · 16/06/2019 13:14

Ah I cc. Yeah, go home. I mean you don't move countries for a man you've not even know a year and who wont give you commitment. At least you've had this chance to learn what he is really like before making the big mistake of changing country to live with him. As for the job, there will be others back home. Don't let one mistake make you feel like you should keep going with a bad plan.

TeaForTheWin · 16/06/2019 13:16

Oh and fyi, its not you. I'm sure if your family are sensible they will think you made the right move not moving countries with a man you've barely known...9 months was it?

Bluerussian · 16/06/2019 13:32

Is there any way you can get home earlier? I don't see why not, get on to the travel agent/airline and book the next available flight home. You'd be able to do that easily enough if there was an emergency at home - well, this is a sort of emergency from your pov.

I don't know what is going on in this man's mind, he sounds seriously confused but it's his problem to sort out. He's hurting you, don't stick around any longer than you have to.

Original poster
Maria53 · 16/06/2019 23:24

He seriously asked me to consider an open relationship tonight. He says it's not even that he will date, just that he wants the option while he's in a new city etc. He was saying we could give it a try, if it doesn't work you can let me know etc.

I've told him I cant do it and don't want to do it. He says I respect that but cant we still be in touch/in each others lives? I said no. He just doesn't get it yet. It'll hit him when I'm gone but if he wants to date others then he's not having his cake and eating it too. Clearly has 24 and needs to get it out of his system.

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katewhinesalot · 16/06/2019 23:37

There's a woman or women at work in this new country he's tempted by. At this point in time nothing has happened but he's hoping it will. He's clearly keeping his options open.

I suppose the only shred of decency he's displaying, is that he's not continuing to let you make the final move to his country without giving you a bit of warning.

dragonway · 16/06/2019 23:55

Open relationship? They only say that when they are at it with somebody else already. I hope you’re not having sex with him because if you are and he’s been mucking around you should get yourself tested when you get home! Don’t speak to him again. He’s mucking you around.

burnyburny · 16/06/2019 23:59

He was a virgin when you met him. You've served your purpose and are now surplus to requirements.

Pack up your self respect and get gone.

TheStuffedPenguin · 17/06/2019 00:00

I've told him I cant do it and don't want to do it.

Good for you. He's an asshole.

Yeahsurewhatever · 17/06/2019 00:02

Have dated this guy! And met a few more of them
It's not you. It's really not.

He wants casual, be casual. Run this on your terms for the next few days, no compromising, I wanna eat X I wanna go do x, so its happening, he comes or he doesn't. That's his choice, but you're doing what you want.
View it as a solo holiday, with company as and when.
Roll your eyes when he does the relationship chat and tells you he loves you, right now it's a carrot he's dangling, if you don't want it, he loses all his power.

He's messing with you, don't take the bait.
Try to enjoy your holiday as much as poss and then move away, because he's not ready for a relationship and he's not going to be anytime soon.

Original poster
Maria53 · 17/06/2019 07:37

Well he just left for work and I guess that's the last time I'll see him. Feel very upset.

I don't think he was messing around at all, but a woman had asked him on a date and he realised he did want to date and get to know other people while maintaining our relationship. There's no way I could go along with that.

He was upset this morning and reluctant to leave, so I do know he's going to miss me badly too. But I'm sure it's right in the long term as we want totally different things. Its going to be really painful not having him in my life anymore Sad I thought we had something quite special and it's not the type of connection I find often at all.

OP posts:
sanmiguel · 17/06/2019 07:47

Leave with your head held high @Maria53. It'll be tough, but you're doing the right thing and a year from now you'll wonder what you were doing entertaining his BS. Thanks

Original poster
Maria53 · 17/06/2019 08:01

You know when you can feel how much a man is in love with you? Even this morning I felt so sure when he was upset and caressing/holding me. All I could think was -wtf? Why just throw this away when there's so much here. He seemed devoted and yet wasn't at all.

Its awful when you've been completely vulnerable and given yourself to someone totally...that he could just toss me away. Bizarrely he does seem to love me which makes it all stranger. The more people I meet, the less I know!

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Original poster
Maria53 · 17/06/2019 08:02

I hope you are right San miguel, that I'll feel crap but like I made the right decision eventually...

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DoctorDread · 17/06/2019 08:11

Sounds like you'll make a lucky escaoecop. He sounds like a nightmare!

Cyberworrier · 17/06/2019 08:14

God, he sounds awful. Are you 24 too? Don’t be sad this relationship and the previous one didn’t work. They weren’t good enough for you- this is absolutely crystal clear from their shitty behaviour. You will meet someone whose love will be unconditional and make you feel strong and confident, rather than question yourself, them, the relationship. As Jarvis Cocker said (Pulp), a bad cover version of love is not the real thing. Don’t let this guy fuck you about any more. If you’re stuck there for another day or two fine, but please for your own sake don’t let him touch you or spout bullshit anymore, he should be sleeping on the floor/sofa and not continuing to blur boundaries.