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Original poster

We're on hol & seem to have broken upx help :(

110 replies

Maria53 · 15/06/2019 05:46

I was seeing a guy on a casual basis last year for 3 months. We broke up and I thought that would be it, but he kept in touch and eventually became best friends who spent all their time together.

So that lead to a kiss one night and we got back together. But he was moving so it was bittersweet - but the kicker is, he asked me to go with him and I couldn't yet because I had to finish my work contract first. I've now quit that job (have another temporary one) and things have been going from bad to worse. Being with him has been great though, although for the last 2 months we've been LDR we Skype for hours a week and he's been lovingly and supportive.

Now we're together for 6 days, the reunion was fantastic and I had no doubt he was just as happy to be with me. I'm not deluded, i know from previous partners he acts as in love with me as I am with him. But then last night he mentioned how it's still just 'casual and not a relationship right?' and I couldn't believe it. This is someone who has been asking me to move with him, says he still wants that and doesn't want to see anyone else but thinks hes in no fit state to be a proper partner because of his depression (which has flared up lately). I was honestly shocked he didn't now feel this was serious as I did.

He held on to me tightly all last night and seemed upset. I also feel very vulnerable and upset because I am alone with him in a foreign country for another 3 days and yet another thing in my life has gone to shit :( just looking for some support!

OP posts:
Michaelbaubles · 15/06/2019 07:51

Sometimes on MN I think people call men dicks when they’re acting in a way that’s really consistent with how they’ve been all along. But this guy I think really is a dick. He knew there’s no way you were seeing this as casual, you’re away with each other for a week! He knew and now he’s saying it when he thinks he can get away with it because what are you going to do?

You don’t have to be a cool girl here. You can lose your shit at him. You can stay somewhere else or you can go home. And none of that would be an overreaction in your part, more setting some rock solid boundaries, or this tossed is going to keep trampling all over them.

Comps83 · 15/06/2019 07:52

I feel for you , my advice is to try and enjoy the rest of the holiday and compose a nice long email when you get home

I had a similar situation 6 years ago
Travelled to the other side of the world to see him and had a terrible time. Was going to finish it when I got back. It was quite turbulent for a while and I remember also feeling dismayed when he said it could never be a proper relationship
Anyway. Fast forward 6 years and we’re now married with a mortgage and a kid on the way. He moved back to the uk as I dug my heels and refused to quite my job and move abroad etc

Maybe he’s saying these things to protect his own feelings , maybe he’s just a dickhead. Either way , just go home in a few days and don’t make anymore rash decisions like quitting jobs and look after yourself. If he’s worth it he’ll come back to you . If not, sack him off and find someone else.

Smidge001 · 15/06/2019 08:09

Everyone here is saying he's an arse. But I actually think he just freaked out. He's completely acting like it's a full on relationship. It just seems he's scared to call it that. I'd just carry on as normal - he doesn't seem to want to be with anyone else, he still wants you to move there, I bet hell be upset when you leave in 3 days, he still gives you the emotional side of things, skyping and talking for hours etc. What exactly is different? He just doesn't want to call it something serious as he's probably just scared of getting hurt. That's my experience anyway. I reckon don't take this as anything really, just carry on as normal and see how things pan out. Gradually over time the scared of getting hurt thing gets less and admitting its serious becomes less of a problem.

But only you can judge whether that's the situation, or if he does want to play the field.

burnyburny · 15/06/2019 09:17

If you're who I believe you are, I remember your previous multiple threads. It was issue after issue after issue in a very short period of time, and I do believe you were over invested and seeing what you wanted to. But many of us have been there.

To me, your first paragraph shows how unhealthy things were.

Get out ASAP and call it a day, permanently. No friendship, nothing. You are not meant to be together.

Original poster
Maria53 · 15/06/2019 09:26

Went back to sleep for 3 hours, woke up with him cuddling me and I initiated sex - he rejected me. He says he is upset and overwhelmed at the fact in will be gone again in a few days. Wtf.

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 15/06/2019 09:27

I experienced this situation with an ex BF of mine . We met while working abroad and an ex GF of his came out on holiday . It became apparent that she didn't know he had a new GF and she seemed to think something was still going on with him and her . I had noticed him sending her postcards ( yup that was how long ago this was ) from South America - "friendly " he said .When he did tell her she got the next plane home. Some men are real twats about women and vice versa. Men do not always realise how their actions can be misconstrued by women but YES many of them are dicks too ! He eventually dumped my by phone . He was a dick .

TheStuffedPenguin · 15/06/2019 09:27

Went back to sleep for 3 hours, woke up with him cuddling me and I initiated sex - he rejected me. He says he is upset and overwhelmed at the fact in will be gone again in a few days. Wtf.

He's trying to manipulate you .

Lozzerbmc · 15/06/2019 09:30

I think he wants to be free to look around, but have you there as a back up.

Try and enjoy rest of time away perhaps on your own then i’d call it a day with him. And dont havw contact as ‘friends’. It doesnt sound like a match made in heaven. Beginnings of relationships should be much easier!

BuildBuildings · 15/06/2019 09:52

Jesus! Fuck knows what he's playing at but don't let him play with you. It's amazing that he's let you quit your job and plan to move then has start talking about not being in a relationship. Wtf?! If you feel trapped now imagine how you'd feel if you moved away to be with him.
I'd call him out on his bullshit and ask him why he has let you make these big changes to be with him, then change his tune. As I think you deserve this closure. But I'm sure it will basically lead you to the conclusion he's a dick. You deserve better.

Mythreefavouritethings · 15/06/2019 10:17

Just to clarify, he was definitely stating that as fact and not an insecure, ‘Are we just casual or do you want more?’ Not saying his behaviour isn’t lurching into mind games, as it clearly is, but what he said and what he did (very tactile) seem at odds. Either testing the waters or keeping you on a length of string. Either way, his signals and communication are frankly dire.

TeaForTheWin · 15/06/2019 10:27

Just a thought but, sounds like you've been through a love bombing. This happens when disordered individuals make you feel like you are really special and important to them (it can be compliments but it can also be spending a lot of time with you and always wanting to be talking to you - making you feel like they love having you close to them). Then they throw in sentences out of the blue like your guy did to clarify that actually, despite their actions or what they might have said before - you aren't actually that important to them.

I'd be careful. You might be ...no, you probably are dealing with a narcissist here. Because normal people don't act like you really matter to them and then tell you actually, you don't. Those sorts to do, to knock the wind out of you and leave you wondering where you stand.

Enjoy your holiday, but when you get home -don't see him again. I disagree with other people who say 'if you could then just keep is casual'. A. Because if he is a narcissist, he won't let you do that - he will continue to contradict himself with his behaviour vs actions and basically mindfuck you. And B. you clearly like like this person so keeping it casual isn't an option, don't let him convince you otherwise.

whatliketoeat · 15/06/2019 10:37

Wow he's a manipulative prick. Pack your bags and leave op.

AgentJohnson · 15/06/2019 10:42

He wants the gf experience without the commitment, which is the same as fwb.

At some point you need to stop giving him opportunities to mess with your head. You aren’t a prisoner, you’re just desperate enough for him to like you as much as you do him.

Never prioritise someone who sees you as an option and this guy, sees you definitely as an option.

TheStoic · 15/06/2019 10:54

Went back to sleep for 3 hours, woke up with him cuddling me and I initiated sex - he rejected me.

Get some self-respect, and quickly. He’s humiliating you and you are letting him.

katewhinesalot · 15/06/2019 11:01

Seriously. Tell him where to go. Don't spend any more time with him. Enjoy the rest of the holiday on your own.

Use your self respect to power your way through it.

supersop60 · 15/06/2019 11:23

He is wasting your time.
Either see the holiday through and do your own thing (maybe move hotel or room?)
Or, get an earlier flight home.
Whether he's being a dick, or he's insecure or depressed - it doesn't matter. You don't have a fully established relationship, so you owe him nothing.
Just take care of yourself.

Original poster
Maria53 · 15/06/2019 11:40

To be clear - I haven't moved for him yet. I have quit my job but that's another story.

We just had a big heart to heart. He says making a proper commitment is a big deal to him so he really needs to think about it bla bla. Said hes terrified of losing me, I said I want to be together romantically or its curtains so think about that.

Now we are going to go out together and do some things but in the back of my mind I'm thinking I'll finish it properly before I go. He has meant a lot to me so its very upsetting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maria53 · 15/06/2019 11:42

Also I'm skint so I have to stick it out and stay for now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maria53 · 15/06/2019 11:50

He's also an introvert and saying he's not used to spending this much time with another person bla bla, needs a bit of space, which is no issue. Now he's doing the opposite/following me around the house - I knew he had some issues but don't think I realised the scale of them tbh. He also has aspergers.

OP posts:
AliasGrape · 15/06/2019 11:58

‘Making a proper commitment’ is a big deal to him? What like asking you to move to be with him? Was that not making a commitment/ a big deal?

If someone wants you to be their girlfriend/ partner they will say so and act accordingly. The whole ‘well I’m just a bit overwhelmed and I’m scared of getting hurt and commitment is a big deal’ blah blah is just a load of crap. Saying the word ‘girlfriend’ or ‘relationship’ isn’t some huge commitment- it’s not mortgage, marriage and babies. You can ‘commit’ to being in a relationship, being exclusive and both making the effort to try to make things work and also know that if you do try and it doesn’t work you both get to walk away relatively easily (well unless you’d quit your job and moved to be with him, in which case it’s you making the scary commitments really isn’t it? Not him. And I’d not be doing it now).

So yeah he’s buggering about and playing games and I’d just tell him straight - I’m not interested in casual, you’ve asked things of me and behaved in a way that’s implied more, if you’re backing out and messing me around now then that is all on you, and I’m not interested thanks bye.

HildegardCrowe · 15/06/2019 13:48

So his latest excuse is that he's an introvert?? Excuse me but that is utter bullshit and I'm sure you know it. Being an introvert doesn't make you incapable of making a commitment, in fact I would suggest that the opposite is true. I'm an introvert (as is my brother) and our greatest desire has always been to find just that one person to spend our lives with. Introverts are just as likely to form relationships as anyone else. He sounds so manipulative - please finish it before the fallout has a detrimental affect on you.

mybeebop · 15/06/2019 14:04

He’s playing weird games. Who can be bothered with all that drama!!? You’re supposed to be on holiday! It’s supposed to be fun!

Ponieswithponytails · 15/06/2019 15:22

If you want to know the answer your question “WTF?” Then read the book “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft.
He’s abusive. I know you don’t want him to be, but he is. He will keep fucking with your head for as long as you know him. How long you know him is up to you. How long do you want him to fuck with your head?

maryberryslayers · 15/06/2019 15:30

Run for the hills!

Don't ever quit your job or move away for a man again. Unless you are married to him and even then proceed with caution.

happytoday73 · 15/06/2019 15:33

Please leave. You should be enjoying your holiday and the relationship... You aren't and as you have no tiesit really is that simple. Leave... Don't let him manipulate you...

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