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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

We're on hol & seem to have broken upx help :(

110 replies

Maria53 · 15/06/2019 05:46

I was seeing a guy on a casual basis last year for 3 months. We broke up and I thought that would be it, but he kept in touch and eventually became best friends who spent all their time together.

So that lead to a kiss one night and we got back together. But he was moving so it was bittersweet - but the kicker is, he asked me to go with him and I couldn't yet because I had to finish my work contract first. I've now quit that job (have another temporary one) and things have been going from bad to worse. Being with him has been great though, although for the last 2 months we've been LDR we Skype for hours a week and he's been lovingly and supportive.

Now we're together for 6 days, the reunion was fantastic and I had no doubt he was just as happy to be with me. I'm not deluded, i know from previous partners he acts as in love with me as I am with him. But then last night he mentioned how it's still just 'casual and not a relationship right?' and I couldn't believe it. This is someone who has been asking me to move with him, says he still wants that and doesn't want to see anyone else but thinks hes in no fit state to be a proper partner because of his depression (which has flared up lately). I was honestly shocked he didn't now feel this was serious as I did.

He held on to me tightly all last night and seemed upset. I also feel very vulnerable and upset because I am alone with him in a foreign country for another 3 days and yet another thing in my life has gone to shit :( just looking for some support!

OP posts:
Original poster
Maria53 · 17/06/2019 10:31

I am 27. Unfortunately I wasn't able to just ditch him and I'm flying home today. I didn't sleep with him again, but we remained intimate/slept in the same bed last night. We woke early and he kissed and held me for hours before work. As I say, he was upset and I could feel the love between us as strongly as any other day we've been together. Last night he said he'd probably come home tomorrow after I've gone and wonder 'what have I done'.

It's an awful feeling to have been cheated on and then to have the person who helped you recover from that tell you they want to date others. When is just me going to be enough?

OP posts:
Original poster
Maria53 · 17/06/2019 10:36

Honestly him saying I could date others as long as I didn't talk to him about it was bizarre to me.

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 17/06/2019 10:39

So sorry Maria, but he’s telling you you’re not enough. If he’s saying this after a year when you’re both so young, I’m sorry but he obviously isn’t that into you. Otherwise he wouldn’t want to date other people. Look at his actions and listen to what he’s telling you. That isn’t love. You deserve better.

Cyberworrier · 17/06/2019 10:41

And you move on from the move on from this twat so you are free to meet the right guy, which I’m sure you will.

TheStuffedPenguin · 17/06/2019 10:42

I could feel the love between us as strongly as any other day we've been together.

WTAF? What love ? The love where he wants to shag other people ? The love where he doesn't care that you would shag other people ? Wake up !

He is a knob . It's not you - it IS him .

Bluerussian · 17/06/2019 10:46

He's too young for a commitment. Let him go, this is all so hurtful and you can do without it.

TeaForTheWin · 17/06/2019 11:09

It isn't love. Love is compassionate. You don't hurt people you love by stringing them along, acting like you want the world from them but then pulling the carpet out from under their feet. He is conditioning you. He wants you to accept the scraps. Don't. It will never be any better than it is now. Infact, it's all downhill from here if you stay with him because you will never feel 'good enough' again. And that is what he wants you to feel, like you aren't enough, like the problem lies with you. It doesn't.

Don't listen to the hormones, listen to your head.

Missingstreetlife · 17/06/2019 11:14

That's in lust, not love. You give too much too soon. Men are dogs, protect yourself. Have a good few months or more, on your own. Then go very slowly next time, don't be in a rush to find or commit to anyone. You have to see a lot of frogs before you find your prince, don't kiss them all. This hurts, but you will get over it and find someone who deserves you. Kick this one to the kerb.

DoctorDread · 17/06/2019 12:18

Men are dogs

But if a sweeping statement there!

Original poster
Maria53 · 17/06/2019 12:22

Thank you everyone. I'm at the airport now and have been trying hard to hold the tears back.

This is what I said to him, you clearly insulting me by effectively saying I'm not enough and you want to see other people. He said that's not it, I want to be with you but I'm just not ready for full blown serious, I hope I will be soon but know I cant ask you to wait etc.

The 'relationship' actually did move slowly at first. I don't feel I rushed into it, but maybe over looked a lack of commitment more than I should have.

He has been like my best friend though - we talk every day, often for hours. He's been there to support me, I've done the same for him. I cant imagine never talking to him again, it's just awful.

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 17/06/2019 12:30

we talk every day, often for hours. see that's what certain folks do though, its to get you hooked.

I remember this guy from when I was young, we had such chemistry and would talk for hours online everyday when he wasn't with me. And I thought 'oh he must really like me because he spends this much time talking to me'. But actually - he just wanted me to really like him.

Fast forward to a party we were at and he touches up this other girl right infront of me and I confront him and he's like - so? I never said we were official'. And I thought - WHO is this person? How can someone spend so much time talking to me ect - and not give a shit about my feelings. Literally touching up other people unapologetically infront of me. He even tried to get in touch again and carry on as if nothing had happened days later. Pft. It would have been hard to resist as I missed him but luckily I had that image in my head of his hands on that girls leg.

They act like they care to get you to care. And then when they show you they don't actually give a crap about you, it hurts so much to believe it.

Bluerussian · 17/06/2019 12:33

Well he has spelled it out to you by saying he's not ready for full blown commitment. A pity he chose your holiday to tell you. It's very hurtful for you but at least you know where you stand. Who knows how he'll feel in a couple of years. However I hope you can move on and enjoy yourself, spreading your wings. You sound really nice and sensitive and you're young, you have a heck of a lot of life ahead so make the most of it.

In the meantime, Flowers Wine.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/06/2019 12:49

I also had one of those, who’d talk for hours on the phone. We got really well when together. In the end I suspected he was in a relationship and it turns out he was living with a woman. He tried to get in touch with me about 9 months later and I told him no thanks. I was younger than you and he was a fair few years older.

This guy just isn’t ready to settle down. However what I’m trying to say is that just getting on well isn’t necessarily enough if you’re not at the same juncture in your lives.

I got my now dh to turn his life upside down when we hadn’t been together long and move with me. But at the time he didn’t have a job as he’d just finished studying. I really think at 27 you’ve got to stop pinning yourself on relationships so quickly. You have much more of an established life and more to loose.

Be kind to yourself. Flowers

ThatCurlyGirl · 17/06/2019 15:27

OP you poor thing, you said:

Honestly him saying I could date others as long as I didn't talk to him about it was bizarre to me.

I absolutely get how this made you feel.

I've been cheated on, abused and under the spell of coercive control in more than one relationship and yet one of the most hurtful things anyone has said to me was suggesting an open relationship.

It had never been discussed before, he knew I am into 100% monogamy personally, had claimed to share this with me for years - I felt utterly disposable and worthless. And he knew I would.

I'm so sorry my love, but my GOD it's better to find out now than further down the line - you will get through this.

ThanksThanksThanks

katewhinesalot · 17/06/2019 16:35

He's only 24. I wouldn't have felt ready to settle down at that age either. He probably does really like you but just isn't at the same life stage as you. At least he's been open and honest and is a good enough guy to tell you and set you free, rather than do the actual dirty on you.

Don't take it personally. It's his age and no more.

Grumpelstilskin · 17/06/2019 17:39

@katewhinesalot That is very simplistic and simply not an excuse to be a selfish dick. Plus, he isn't actually setting her free but playing mind games. Of course, she should take it personal and he's already done the dirty. What a ridicolous post!

Grumpelstilskin · 17/06/2019 17:40

*ridiculous

Bluerussian · 17/06/2019 18:02

katewhinesalot made reasonable points in my opinion. Not ridiculous at all. What I do think is that he could have chosen a better time to tell you rather than when you were a long way from home with no escape route. That was mean. However it's done now and you are free to move on when you feel better.

You will feel better, you know.

Original poster
Maria53 · 17/06/2019 21:04

Yes I understand he's 24 and not ready to settle down. But I wasnt asking for marriage and babies, just exclusivity while we continued getting to know each other. He says the thought of it made him feel claustrophobic which is charming really...

Finally had a good sob there, feels like someone has died. Feels weird that this morning we were kissing and cuddling and now we're nothing to each other.

Have I done the right thing going NC?

OP posts:
BMW6 · 17/06/2019 22:32

Totally. He doesn't want commitment, he wants to play the field.

DON'T "wait" for him. Go and live your life.

burnyburny · 17/06/2019 23:26

Absolutely. And you would have saved yourself months of anxiety had you done it sooner. Only last month you were referring to him going silent on you during periods of depression.

He is clearly bad for your mental heath.

Do not go back.

Whoops75 · 17/06/2019 23:42

Definitely rip off the band aid and go NC.
He is too messed up himself to help you.
Ye were both needy when ye found each other, you have healed and matured more than him. Move on and don’t let it dent your spirit, a bad boyfriend doesn’t reflect badly on you. X

carla1983 · 17/06/2019 23:53

You have done the right thing.

SonataDentata · 17/06/2019 23:54

The number of times I’ve heard men say things like that - trust me, it has never ended well and it’s almost always ended in a whole lot of hurt.

No contact is the best way to go - it’ll help you move on and heal. My therapist suggested writing a “congratulations” card to myself on breaking free of my abuse ex, including the reasons why I left him and why he made me feel so awful. I thought that was a great idea! You can do this Flowers

SonataDentata · 17/06/2019 23:54

*abusive ex