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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So...My relationship just ended. Kind of.

106 replies

Itsreallyallovernow · 15/06/2019 00:19

Well maybe went on a long hiatus rather than ended. Like One Direction or something, although he says he hopes we will get back together.

In the next few months while we take a break, he says we should date other people. I have no desire to do this although he is keen because we haven't had sex for months (as much his fault as mine) and he has needs. Despite always having told me he doesn't do 1 night stands or sex outside relationships and whatever.

He's saying he wants us to reunite eventually...but I don't think that squares with everything else he's saying.

It's probably telling that I don't feel upset. Or anything really.

OP posts:
QueenofPain · 15/06/2019 00:22

Life is too fecking short, crack on with your life with no intentions of reuniting.

Lefty1 · 15/06/2019 00:24

Really sorry op Flowers it will get easier , you’re probably in a bit of shock right now , how long were you together ? Sending hugs x

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 15/06/2019 00:26

As someone posted elsewhere, you need to listen to that song about a little time, on loop!

AlunWynsKnee · 15/06/2019 00:28

He is feeding you that line as his insurance. Assume you're done. If you don't feel anything then it's probably a good thing.

Original poster
Itsreallyallovernow · 15/06/2019 00:30

Together nearly 6 years. I feel a bit numb really. I've done lots of work on myself in the last year, gone from a size 22 to a size 12, taken up sport, cut my hair and changed how I dress. And he's still not happy.

OP posts:
LoeweHammock · 15/06/2019 00:31

He wants to reunite after he's had sex with other people?

GET turned off.

Original poster
Itsreallyallovernow · 15/06/2019 00:34

I've said that I would find it very difficult to have any kind of relationship with him in future after he'd been intimate with someone else.

OP posts:
scratchyfluffface · 15/06/2019 00:54

Together nearly 6 years. I feel a bit numb really. I've done lots of work on myself in the last year, gone from a size 22 to a size 12, taken up sport, cut my hair and changed how I dress. And he's still not happy.

That's amazing, but he's still not happy because he never will be. You've done a fab job, but do it for yourself and work out what YOU want - your op is all about what he wants/thinks/feels but ultimately it isn't up to him if you want/think/feel something different!! I hope everything works out for the best Thanks

Original poster
Itsreallyallovernow · 15/06/2019 07:24

I just would like to be in a happy relationship. In truth we haven't been happy for a long time.

And I dont know how we can actually fix some of it. So his main issue is that we dont have enough time together, as a result of which there is a lack of intimacy which leads to a lack of sex. But it's as much or more the intimacy that he is concerned about than the sex.

However

We don't spend much time together because we don't live together. His home is 4 hours away (he used to live in my home town but relocated due to mh and other reasons about 6 months ago). He also works an hour away in the opposite direction. When we lived in the same town he commutes daily; now he stays there in the week and at weekends comes here or goes to his house (obviously now he will be going to his house).

And yes the issues he mentions were there even when we lived near each other. But I struggle to see how we can resolve them with the current living situation. I can't move house because I have young adult DC living with me and I dont want to simply abandon them. He wouldnt live here anyway (as my Ex still owns part of the house) so if we do start afresh in a few months what can change? I do visit his home once a month for a weekend but I don't think that will be enough to change anything really. He wants me to come down to where he works (and is chagrined that I haven't in 6 months). But even if I did, I don't think that will actually change anything either.

I'm right aren't I?

OP posts:
BillywilliamV · 15/06/2019 07:29

You are free of this pillock, celebrate and move on!

MrsMozartMkII · 15/06/2019 07:33

As QueenofPain said, life is too fecking short.

Move on lass.

CassettesAreCool · 15/06/2019 07:35

You sound a bit stunned. I think once it has sunk in you will be clear that this has finished and should stay finished - don’t dangle, move on. I’m sorry 💐

VictoriaBun · 15/06/2019 07:38

Would you give your dog away because you wanted to try what having a cat would be like ?
Or put a son up for adoption and swap for a girl ?
Of course the answer is a big no. Don't allow this idiot to put you down and pick you up again when he's had his fun. Wave him off,close your door, and smile as you are now free to find someone who will love and respect you for you. And as for him, he will find the grass is not greener.

Nooob · 15/06/2019 07:41

There are so many issues here.

You felt you had to change to please him and you say he still wasn't happy. Ofc he wasn't he doesn't love you. It does sound like he may have relocated to get away from you, he doesn't love you op. He doesn't seem to be the one making any effort - YOU have to change, YOU have to travel to see him etc. There's a lot of context in the way you're writing about him.

All this 'we'll end up together' shit is just that, shit. He's stringing you along so you'll always be there if he needs a backup. There's a reason he didn't want to commit to your relationship, he doesn't see a future with you.

Cut him off fully and take time to heal, don't let him string you along.

Turniptracker · 15/06/2019 07:45

I think this sounds like a plan he has come up with the break up with you but without having to accept that it really is a break up. 6 years is a long time and it can be scary throwing that away to start up something new. Much easier when you still have the relationship to fall back... It's very hard and very painful but I think you should start processing the fact that this is it, build up your self respect and not let this guy have his cake and eat it and if he doesn't like it just be able to run back to you. He is making his choice and tbh if he feels this way you probably weren't meant to be, I'm sorry OP. Big hugs xxx

Dvg · 15/06/2019 07:55

There is no such thing as a break, he just wants you in the background in case he realizes that he cant actually get other woman/ the grass isn't greener then he can just go back to you.

Original poster
Itsreallyallovernow · 15/06/2019 08:01

Apparently he said to one of his friends that he felt he needed to let off steam before he committed to me for the rest of his life/ proposed.

Except as I said to him that won't happen as I don't want to get married and neither does he.

Fucks sake.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 15/06/2019 08:07

I hate to be blunt, but you might as well just accept that he’s too chicken to come out and say that it’s over.
You, meanwhile - are looking and feeling fabulous. Move on and be happy. You weren’t happy with him anyway. At least you could throw the boot in and tell him something like “You’re right, neither of us were happy. Let’s just cut our losses and accept that it’s totally over and move on.” See what he does.

ChristmasFluff · 15/06/2019 08:12

"I'd like a free pass to go and shag around, but if I don't find anyone I like better, I'd like you as a fall-back plan"

Screw that for a game of soldiers.

OP, I think this relationship had run its course anyway by the sounds of it. You have transformed yourself recently - don't let this lose your momentum. You deserve to be angry - let that anger power you into a new and better life without him.

One day you'll look back and be glad the trash took itself out Flowers

ErrmWTAF · 15/06/2019 08:29

Congratulations! You've gone from a 22 to a 12 (well jell here, btw Grin )

AND now you've also lost another 18 st of ugly useless fat. (Him, of course).

Lozzerbmc · 15/06/2019 09:14

Firstly well done on your weight losss a fantastic achievement.

I think you need to let him go- he’s not the one for you. I think the relationship has fizzled and simply run its course

Knackeredmommy · 15/06/2019 09:14

He is not going to commit but wants to hold on to the relationship as back-up. You're better than that! End it and then continue working on you and yours.
It's horrible when a relationship ends but it doesn't sound like it was going anywhere.
He's taking the piss suggesting you wait around for him to shag freely then come back! That's saying a lot about what he thinks about your relationship.
You'll meet someone better matched when you're ready.

TheStuffedPenguin · 15/06/2019 09:18

There are so many problems here - why would you even want to fix it ? Men like this will never bring you happiness . Move on . The world is your oyster now.

Original poster
Itsreallyallovernow · 15/06/2019 09:22

I honestly couldn't be less interested in meeting someone else. I have told him that a break is fine but if he does shag anyone else (Or anything really) that we will be done, I simply couldn't see him in the same way. And given that he is quite jealous of me anyway, he would feel the same I have no doubt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsreallyallovernow · 15/06/2019 09:26

Before we met I was single for a long time. In all that time despite being proactive, being on dating sites, putting myself out there, in all that time I didn't meet anyone that wanted a relationship with me or vice versa. He was the only one. Honestly there aren't loads of men out there. Which is fine because I'm happy on my own. But I'm not going to tell myself thst even if I did want someone there are loads of men I can have relationships with because there just aren't...all those years I spent dating before has confirmed that.

OP posts:
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