So...My relationship just ended. Kind of.

[Itsreallyallovernow]

Well maybe went on a long hiatus rather than ended. Like One Direction or something, although he says he hopes we will get back together.

In the next few months while we take a break, he says we should date other people. I have no desire to do this although he is keen because we haven't had sex for months (as much his fault as mine) and he has needs. Despite always having told me he doesn't do 1 night stands or sex outside relationships and whatever.

He's saying he wants us to reunite eventually...but I don't think that squares with everything else he's saying.

It's probably telling that I don't feel upset. Or anything really.

Thanks. I have been struggling a bit with my job for a while but looking for another job right now feels like too much of a hill to climb. I've always been quite confident outwardly even when I was bigger but right now I don't even want to speak to people. In time I'll think about job hunting maybe.

If I thought he felt sad for a minute, had shed so much as a tear that might make it a bit easier, but it all feels so one sided. He even had to get a passing dig in telling me when we met for the first time he thought hed been catfished because I looked nothing like my photos (took him 6 years to come up with that little gem). Then he starts telling me how I should date other people as I'm so slim now blah blah. Made me want to vomit.

I honestly hope he doesn't meet anyone else and ends up sad and lonely. That's exactly what he deserves.

It’s a great time of year to get out running more. Sign up for an autumn 10k etc .

Offer to help more with your local parkrun . Some volunteer roles also allow you to run on a Saturday, like tail runner, set up or token sorting.

Is there a junior parkrun on your town ? They often take place on Sunday’s so you could help there.

Do some classes at the gym as well as free weights etc good way to make friends.

You need to go out and make this happen. You can’t wait until you feel better , otherwise you won’t get better, you will get worse. You will wallow in self pity ( I’ve been there ). And you will pile on the weight again which would be a shame after all the work you have done to lose it.

Many women are single with no parents and have a great life with friends, work and hobbies. Stop telling yourself the opposite.

There's no junior parkrun here but I can look to volunteer at the Sat one sometimes although I would like to get a few more runs under my belt first.

My gym is a basic no frills one so doesn't offer classes but I'm happy eith my running/ cycling/ rowing.

I thought at least one of my friends might have reached out by text or message now. I would if positions were reversed. But there's not much I can do.

I won't be putting the weight back on. I've written off the weekend but I'm back on the wagon tomorrow as I still have a stone or so to my target and I really want to get there.

Most people who have no partner have parents or vice versa, I don't have either.
How old are you? After a certain age it's pretty common not to have either.

Was your FB message 100% clear? Maybe your friends didn't see it or didn't understand what you meant?

Of course there is something you can do - you text them!

Look i understand that this man was you best friend as well as your lover so he’s probably taken up most of you free time for years. You’ve not had much time to do things yourself of with friends. Doing up a house takes a lot of time and money as well.

You have probably neglected your own interests and your friends , that’s understandable. But now you need to reach out.

Well done on the continued weight loss BTW. That takes a lot of focus.

I'm in my 40s. But I lost my parents over 20 years ago. Many people I know still have 1 or 2 grandparents as well as parents. And most are married or in LTRs. This relationship was the first time since I lost my parents that I didn't feel alone, I thought he had my back. I'll be fine on my own I was before him. Still hurts though.

I was clear on FB. Not too self pitying but I said that we were no longer together.

I haven't told my DC yet. They are not little, I know they will be worried about and upset for me. They have quite a lot of stress going on atm so I don't really want to tell them yet.

That's sad. My bf lost his dad when he was 20, it is very different to them passing away when you're older.

I live abroad, so when my marriage broke down I didn't have any local backup either. What I found helpful was doing a couple of theatre / arts activities and answering online ads by others looking for friends my age - I came across quite a few older single people that way. Not to date, just to have others around in a similar situation.

How about doing as Imogen suggested - if you asked your friends to help you drown your sorrows would they come along?

Are you close to your grown up kids? Mine would think it odd if I split up with my partner of 5 year but didn’t tell them. Is your plan to wait a few weeks until you feel a but stronger so they won’t be worried about you?

Or so you can put a more neutral spin on it “ it wasn’t working any more so we decided to call it a day. I’m fine about it and I’ve started ballroom dancing / hang gliding / mud wrestling again l and I’ve booked to go to Paris with Susan and Kate in September “ .

As opposed to “ I think he’s dumped me but I’m confused and devastated “.

You are allowed to be devastated BTW. Just as long as you do it for a few hours at at a time, then pull yourself together and get on with life.

I feel like I'm begging if I text my friends to do something. Like 'please spend time with me/ be concerned. I contacted sone of them last week before all this just to arrange a general catch up and they were all too busy to meet up.

I will tell my DC just once I'm more together about it and can say yes, it's finished, it was just one of those things that didn't work out without bursting into tears.

The whole thing is such a headfuck. Last week his message said he didn't want us to split up, he loved me, he wanted us to stay together. When we arranged to meet up he was still saying how we could go forward together. Then when we meet he's talking about breaks and then in texts after that saying he doesn't want a break that we're done (other than friends, how insulting). It's no wonder I feel confused really.

I keep thinking how absurd this situation is.

Like his main issue was that we weren't intimate enough and (following on from that) there wasnt enough sex. Yet I can't remember the last time he initiated sex (ages ago), and I have never directly or indirectly refused. So although he claims to want more physical contact he does nothing about it, I am in no way preventing it or putting barriers in the way either. And his solution is to go off and have sexual experiences with other women.

The more I think about it the less sense it makes.

It doesn’t make sense because it’s a load of shit OP. He’s just not man enough to tell the truth and shoulder the initial reaction he’d get from you if he just ended things in a straightforward honest fashion.

I think the lies they tell trying to save themselves in these situations do more harm than just ended things honestly with a short sharp shock. Instead he’s thrown your head into turmoil and you’re clamouring round trying to work out where it went wrong or what you did.

He probably thinks he’s been terribly kind. I’m so mad for you.

He's behaved really badly. From last week saying how much he loves me and won't let me go and then (because I was pretty honest and told him that I don't like some of his behaviours, how he never takes responsibility for anything, it's always someone else's fault, and some issues I had with our sex life, (he had said much worse to me) I was punished for being honest by him then deciding that it wasn't a break we were over.

But then still dangling the oh I want to have a last blow out before I commit to you.

Honestly it's all a headfuck. I know if I tell my friends they won't believe it. They thought we had the perfect relationship (haha).

Atm my friends just know we've split up but not all this headfuckery.

I’m mad for you too OP, this is clearly so painful for you. I’m afraid you’ll probably never understand his actions, but soon you’ll stop trying and focus instead on actions which move you forward 💐

Men like this can do your head in! Probably not any point trying to work out what's going on.He doesn't sound honest and a bit of a worm. Knew someone like this-a game player and best thing I ever did was get rid! Wouldn't surprise if he has self esteem issues esp as he's been critising you to make himself feel better(yeah that old chesnut! ) You've done well in a year! I'm wondering if he's thinking he will keep you on the backburner in case his sexual encounters don't actually happen/turn out to be shit (cos actually he ain't 'all that'! ) Well you sound strong and that boat will surely have sailed won't it? Being on yr own must be better than being with such a negative person in yr life. Who knowd whats around the corner anyway. Its not the be and end all to be in a relationship anyway.

Thinking about how none of it makes sense actually helps in a way...it makes me see that ultimately this wasn't my fault, that when I always felt like he never knew what he wanted and that goalposts shifted I was prpbably right. And that things having ended, whilst its sad and I am going to feel down for a bit, Maybe in the long run it is for the best.

I will be ok on my own, I always was. It does mean I have to be the single one again but so be it.

It doesn’t make sense because it’s a load of shit OP

This.

These men just say whatever nonsense comes into their head at the time.

Him “ I hate that you never initiate sex”

So you do so. Then it’s

Him “ I feel you pressurise me for sex”

You “ well you did ask me to initiate more , I thought that’s what you wanted “.

Him “ Yes but you do it in the wrong way / wrong time/ you didn’t read my mind “

Or “ no I didn’t say that , you are always twisting my words, you never listen to me . Why do you always pick fights and create drama, I’m sick of this”.

Or “ you are just like my ex, nothing I did was ever good enough for her either “

Rinse and repeat.

Yes indeed it’s a head fuck. They like it that way as it always keeps you on the back foot, always trying harder to make it work and failing of course. Because they always change the goal posts .

Like his main issue was that we weren't intimate enough and (following on from that) there wasnt enough sex. Yet I can't remember the last time he initiated sex (ages ago), and I have never directly or indirectly refused. So although he claims to want more physical contact he does nothing about it, I am in no way preventing it or putting barriers in the way either. And his solution is to go off and have sexual experiences with other women.
OOOK...
Sounds like he had another woman all lined up and has possibly already been sleeping with her behind your back - you'll need to get an STD test anyway if you want to start a new relationship at some time, but it might be a good idea to do it sooner than later.

"My DP doesn't like sex" is an excuse for cheating. I'd be a bit suspicious that he's repeating to you what he's been saying to someone else, without reflecting on the fact that you know it's nonsense. My exh said this of me to his OW. When I found out later I was especially outraged as it had been the other way around.

I feel like I'm begging if I text my friends to do something. Like 'please spend time with me/ be concerned. I contacted sone of them last week before all this just to arrange a general catch up and they were all too busy to meet up.
You just want a hug, or similar comfort. You're allowed to ask for that.
I find it hard too, but opening up and showing your vulnerability to people is what builds friendships...

Congratulations on your new future OP.

Reading what you’ve written, this man brought nothing positive to your life. You’re well rid.

We've had the not enough sex conversation over several years. I don't think there is anyone else (yet). It's just something he says to keep me on the back foot. Like IM0GEN said, it's just another way to move the goalposts. When I did start initiating, there was something else wrong.

He was never happy. Which is a shame cos I was generally pretty happy (when he wasn't moving goalposts) and I did what I could to make him happy too. But when he came out with such pearls as how our relationship was the only thing that stopped him from wanting to kill himself (for which he wouldn't seek help because therapy and drugs and any other treatment didnt work etc) it was pretty difficult.

If I have to be single the rest of my life so be it. At least I dont end up constantly trying to keep someone happy and being told I'm failing.

When I split up from my husband I grieved for what I thought we had.
I grieved that my future was not going to be as I had thought/planned.
I grieved that the commitment I had given in my heart was no longer valid.
So I felt a lot of grief and went through all the stages of grief as if someone had died. No person had died but a relationship; a planned future; a dream; they had all died and grief was the appropriate response.
I didn't miss him as an individual but I missed having someone in the role of confidant/friend/support (even though he was crap at all those things). It takes time to adjust to being single but I did and as you have said you know you will. It will just take time to process the grief.

There definitely is a grieving process to it. Obviously we weren't married, we didn't have kids together so in some ways it is easier for me to draw a line and my loss isn't anywhere near as great than at the end of a marriage. It's still sad though. I find myself thinking of things that we would do as a couple and then remembering we cant do them because we're not one any more. Or something comes up that I'd text him about...And them I remember we're not speaking.

I'm feeling ok generally though. Told my DC (one was a bit sad, the other wasn't bothered - which was exactly how I thought they would react. I've told them I'm ok and it's just one of those things) lost another 2lb this week despite a bit of comfort eating. I've decided to sign myself up for martial arts self defence classes. And this weekend I'm meeting up with friends and going to a mini music festival. So keeping busy.

There must be things underlying all of this. It sounds like a lack of commitment on his part about the hse job situation. You've changed yourself physically and that's brilliant you must feel really good about that, but how do you relate to each other on a daily basis? Do you communicate well, love each other. I think rather than just split up he's just trying to let you down gently and you both probably know its over. It's time to move on Good luck.

You've been together almost 6 years, many marriages don't last that long; there's not such a huge difference.

When I first met my exh 27 years ago, we had some fun times in his Trabi. He still has it; it's now officially a vintage car, though only 30 years old. I imagined us being old, still driving around in that car and it being really cool :) I am now no longer the co-owner of a Trabi, and five years after breaking up I think I miss the car more than him! Though it may just be a symbol of the entire future I'd imagined.