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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thoughtless or manipulative?

58 replies

Greenfields1 · 12/06/2019 21:05

Hello,
I'd like some advice.
I'm having lots of problems with my bf of four years. I want to settle down and he keeps telling me it'll happen in his own time which upsets me.
We argue and I don't feel listened to.... It's not just about the future.
Everytime I try to tell him I'm upset about the lack of commitment he turns it around and says he's on my side and makes me feel irrational or my opinion isn't valid.

Do you think he's innocently trying to comfort me or I'm worried it's manipulative?!

Or am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Rockinmomma · 12/06/2019 21:11

What else do you argue about OP?
Are you young? Living with parents?

TeaForTheWin · 12/06/2019 21:18

Well, put it this way - you have been four years together and he won't give you any answers as to where things are heading and if he wants to settle down and when. So, manipulative or not he isn't answering your damn questions and he doesn't seem to want to settle down any time soon when you do.

Also:

  • I don't feel listened to
  • Makes me feel my opinions aren't valid
  • Fobs off your questions
  • Makes you wonder if you are 'overreacting' for simply wanting to know where you actually stand with him.
  • You want to settle down, he doesn't even want to discuss it.

Sounds like it could be manipulative. But either way, he isn't giving you want you need - straight, honest answers. I would ask for them, ask for a timeframe or something. And if there's no...give with him, it might be time to get shot.

TeaForTheWin · 12/06/2019 21:20

Also, just to clarify - you are NOT overreacting and you have every right to want to progress your relationship and be given the same spoken commitment (and actions towards it) from him.

Original poster
Greenfields1 · 12/06/2019 22:31

Thank you for the feedback. Yes, he isn't listening and I feel very much at his mercy on timescales and decisions

OP posts:
OldAndWornOut · 12/06/2019 22:33

If he is pushed into settling down before he is ready then its a recipe for disaster.

It may just be that you have different outlooks.

Hecateh · 12/06/2019 22:35

It can be both - which doesn't make it right

If this is his experience. - He does things in his own time and no consequences for not doing so then that is how he can thoughtlessly manipulate you to his way.

Nature or nurture - life is usually a combination. If he has always had things his own way then that is how he will expect things to continue.

How do his parents operate with him??? with each other???

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 12/06/2019 22:38

I don't think I'd want to settle down with someone who made me feel like that.

Ok, correction. I DID settle down with someone who made me feel like that and it didn't get better.

MrMagooooo · 12/06/2019 22:38

I think more info is needed. He doesn't sound it to me. We all argue and turn things on each other because we get defensive, it doesn't mean abusive imo

MrMagooooo · 12/06/2019 22:40

Timescales and decisions on what. Just the wedding? Maybe he doesn't want to get married.

If it's other stuff then maybe your not standing up for yourself more and being assertive.

Original poster
Greenfields1 · 12/06/2019 22:45

He says he wants to get married and it'll happen soon and we should be on the team, not argue because we want the same things . Whatever that means!

OP posts:
MrMagooooo · 12/06/2019 22:56

It'll happen soon is very vague. Why don't you ask him what that means and pin him down.

Does it mean a few months, a year, two years. Why haven't you asked these questions.

Are you engaged?

Sounds like you are applying a bit of pressure to this situation and he doesn't want to get married or he has a proposal up his sleeve (doubtful)

Don't be afraid to tell him what you expect. I don't really understand marriage or the need to do it. Why do you want it so much? Are you happy? Is the lack of a ring a big deal to you?

If it is so important to you then tell him that/when you would like to be married. It might put pressure on him but at least you know where you stand then and you can adjust accordingly but stop letting him be vsgue

Sally2791 · 12/06/2019 23:06

He sounds controlling

FabledChinHair · 12/06/2019 23:20

I put up with this and he ended up leaving me for someone else. He was just killing time with me until someone better came along. Not saying that's your exact situation but this it was similar to what you are saying. Take control of your own life and leave him or have a good talk at least and say what you've said here.

RantyAnty · 13/06/2019 02:06

How old are you both?

Original poster
Greenfields1 · 13/06/2019 07:44

I do feel controlled by him but don't necessarily think he's doing it intentionally but he becomes so selfish when I ask for a timescale. If he doesn't want marriage he should tell me rather than dangling a carot of it'll happen.
He's in his early 40s. I'm 31

OP posts:
MrMagooooo · 13/06/2019 07:49

You should tell him you are going to need a ring on it by x or your out. You have the right to ask for what you want.

You also need to face facts that you might be wasting your time with him and waiting around.

Are you happy other than the wedding thing. If so why does getting married mean so much to you.

Do you really want to be married to a man that doesn't want to get married.

0ccamsRazor · 13/06/2019 08:16

Be does not respect you.

He does not seem that into you.

He sounds like a controling cunt.

Why are you with him?

NameChangeNugget · 13/06/2019 08:19

The overuse of “controlling” on this site is laughable.

I agree with @OldAndWornOut

MrMagooooo · 13/06/2019 08:21

@Greenfields1

How old are you?
How long have you been together?
Are you engage?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/06/2019 08:33

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

You sound like his "she will do for now" woman. He is not answering your reasonable questions and I feel he is stalling you completely.

OldAndWornOut · 13/06/2019 09:04

Does nobody find it controlling to keep pushing someone to commit to getting married then?

MrMagooooo · 13/06/2019 09:07

Not necessarily controlling but pressuring.

Original poster
Greenfields1 · 13/06/2019 09:13

My concern is saying "we're on the same side" which makes me feel irrational and silly even though nothing gets resolved and when he says it it feels like saying one thing and meaning another.
Maybe he's just immature and doesn't know how to handle conflict or disagreeing rather than anything sinister.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 13/06/2019 09:19

don't necessarily think he's doing it intentionally but he becomes so selfish when I ask for a

Think about whether you want your life to be like this forever ? Him holding all the cards, you questioning yourself.

To my mind, that is no way to live.

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 13/06/2019 09:25

How long have you been together? My answer is going to be different if you say 2 months or 2 years.

What do you want in the future? Children? Have you talked to him about what he wants?