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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Thoughtless or manipulative?

58 replies

Greenfields1 · 12/06/2019 21:05

Hello,
I'd like some advice.
I'm having lots of problems with my bf of four years. I want to settle down and he keeps telling me it'll happen in his own time which upsets me.
We argue and I don't feel listened to.... It's not just about the future.
Everytime I try to tell him I'm upset about the lack of commitment he turns it around and says he's on my side and makes me feel irrational or my opinion isn't valid.

Do you think he's innocently trying to comfort me or I'm worried it's manipulative?!

Or am I over reacting?

OP posts:

MrMagooooo · 13/06/2019 09:33

@Greenfields1

How old are you?
Are you engaged?
How long have you been together?

You seem to be avoiding these questions.

Original poster

Greenfields1 · 13/06/2019 10:00

4 years. Not engaged but we've spoken about it and having kids. He says it'll happen but on his timeframe which infuriates me as I feel fobbed off.

OP posts:

MrMagooooo · 13/06/2019 10:19

He doesn't want to get married or at least not yet. He's just not telling you it.

If it's a deal breaker then you need to tell him that / walk away. Only you know if it is or not.

I've been with my partner for 15 years with kids and not married. If anything it's probably financially beneficial for me to want to get married. Just not bothered about it.

Why does it bother you so much???

How old are you too???? This is an important factor.

Original poster

Greenfields1 · 13/06/2019 10:53

MrMagooooo because some people want to get married! Why do so many ppl who don't choose marriage come across as almost a hero for not being married but in a long term partnership?! comes across and snobby

OP posts:

NameChangeNugget · 13/06/2019 11:17

I think @MrMagooooo makes a good point. Why do you want to get married?

Aethelthryth · 13/06/2019 11:20

You are very sensible for wanting to establish his level of commitment before having children. If he won't get married, he's not sufficiently committed. It can't happen on his timeframe because you have limited years of fertility. If he won't commit, you should move on, especially since he sounds quite unpleasant anyway

woollyheart · 13/06/2019 11:29

When you say you want to settle down, what exactly do you mean? Do you just want to get married? Do you want to start a family? Or do you just mean that you want to establish a home together?

And does he have children from previous relationships? Would this be his first marriage?

He is wrong, all these things do not just happen unless to take steps to make them happen. Is he generally unwilling to make decisions? If he can be decisive on things that he wants to happen, then he is probably stringing you along and you should make your own plans.

prawnsword · 13/06/2019 11:29

You want to ‘get’ married but after the wedding is most important. Wedding is one day. What does marriage represent to you? After 4 years you should know. It sounds like neither of you have kids, large 10 year age gap....sorry but it isn’t looking bright for you if you want marriage. But if you set an ultimatum you need to be prepared to walk if he doesn’t meet you halfway. Also do you really want to have to drag someone down the aisle? It sounds like no you aren’t on the same page & need to have an honest, open conversation. If you want kids & he is on the fence, or find out why he doesn’t want to get married.

At the end of the day it sounds like there is a disconnect & you feel a lack of commitment from him. But you also don’t sound very happy so why do you want to commit your life to him in the first place when he doesn’t sound so sure ?

woollyheart · 13/06/2019 11:35

He is probably perfectly happy with the relationship as it is and doesn't want it to change.

MrMagooooo · 13/06/2019 12:29

@Greenfields1 I don't think I'm a hero, it's not about me. It's about why is it so important to you?

How is your relationship other than this?

You have to give more info. None of us here are trained counsellors but you'll just get multiple responses and some of them might hit home.

smallereveryday · 13/06/2019 13:03

Because unless you have a fabulous career that you can just slot back into post maternity leave and cheap childcare OR you have a healthy private income..you are utterly insane to have children without marriage.

Marriage gives you legal protection that cannot be obtained in any other way . Please don't give away your 'power' by having a child first..

As granny used to say , why buy the milk when the cow came for free ..

MrMagooooo · 13/06/2019 13:25

@smallereveryday That's true. I think women, from reading this site, can put themselves in very vulnerable places.

One thing I will tell my daughter is never have to rely on somebody else i.e A man. That applies to men and women.

Treesthemovie · 13/06/2019 13:27

He is manipulative, and whether this is due to immaturity or abusiveness, it doesn't really matter. He's in his 40s and not going to mature any time soon.

Treesthemovie · 13/06/2019 13:31

Smallereveryday really, we are comparing women to cow's milk now 🙄 I wouldn't recommend marrying a man who is immature or potentially abusive, but Mumsnet is generally very pro marriage.

Sameoldboat78 · 13/06/2019 13:38

It would be wrong to marry because that's what you want. By that I mean, I think you need to draw a line and decide whether to stay as it is or go. Asking him to marry you or you will leave, may get the result you desire but he might not do it for the right reasons which could causes issues further down the line.

Whocansay · 13/06/2019 13:48

I think after 4 years, a man in his 40s knows if he wants to get married or not. I think he's stringing you along.

If I was 31 and wanted marriage and children, I would find someone else.

Clutterbugsmum · 13/06/2019 13:49

He set in his own way.

He's over 40, and doesn't want to get married yet and have children yet, he probably never going to change his mind. And will keep this up for the next few years and before you know it you will be to old to have children, and you will have been together for 14 + years rather the 4.

If you want marriage and children this is not the relationship for you.

MrMagooooo · 13/06/2019 14:22

@Treesthemovie Calm down.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/06/2019 14:32

He doesn't want to get married but is quite happy to keep stringing you along in the meantime.

I also think you need to decide what's more important to you: him, or being married (to anyone) and having kids?

Treesthemovie · 13/06/2019 15:11

@MrMagooooo I'm perfectly calm dear. Just think the typical pro marriage Mumsnet line is nonsense. Why marry a dead weight.

Treesthemovie · 13/06/2019 15:12

@MrMagooooo also, the question the OP asked was not on the virtues of marriage but whether her bf is manipulative.

MrMagooooo · 13/06/2019 15:20

@Treesthemovie That's what I'm picking up on. Your words manipulative or abusive. Maybe he just doesn't want to get married but doesn't know how to tell her. I've certainly found myself in that situation before. Not about marriage but breaking up. I was young, immature (still am) and afraid to hurt another person.

Treesthemovie · 13/06/2019 15:30

@MrMagooooo maybe you are biased because you feel you have been in this situation yourself, but I'm simply responding to the OPs post where she says:

"Everytime I try to tell him I'm upset about the lack of commitment he turns it around and says he's on my side and makes me feel irrational or my opinion isn't valid."

Making someone feel irrational and that their opinion is invalid for voicing their needs in a relationship is manipulative and immature at best, a sign of abuse at worst.

MrMagooooo · 13/06/2019 15:52

@Treesthemovie A sign of abuse at worst. Not the first thing to go to.

That's why I keep asking the OP what her relationship is like apart from this marriage issue.

@Greenfields1 ???

timeisnotaline · 13/06/2019 15:57

Is it either of those things, or just fucking lazy and not that into you?
Does he ever go out of his way for you? Does he pull his weight in the little things? Do your thoughts, likes and dislikes matter to him?

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