Husband said I’m too fat and unattractive

[Lizz1986]

My husband told me that I was getting bigger and was less attractive. A week later he told me that he would never touch me again if I gained a lot of weight after having a baby. He hasn’t initiated sex in years and wouldn’t look sideways at me if I was changing my clothes. We’ve been married for 7 years and don’t have children. At this point I’m devastated. We’ve been separated for 6 months and he wants me back. Part of me misses him and wants to go back but I also don’t want a physical relationship with him after those hurtful words. Any advice? I can’t keep going on like this.

Also should mention that I’m 5’7” and size 6. He’s now trying to convince me that he doesn’t care about weight but I’m hesitant to believe him. Please help...

Does it make any difference in your advice to go back or permanently divorce him based on my size? I’m a UK size 10 or US size 6...so I’m not super skinny and unhealthy looking. I personally don’t think it matters what size I am, he shouldn’t have said it. But is it divorce worthy since I am curvy?

The size you are makes absolutely no difference and is not relevant to the advice I’ve given.

Why on Earth are you even considering going back to a joyless, sexless marriage with a twat who thinks he gets to treat you like you’re an object or an appliance?

Size 10 isn't curvy, you don't have to worry about leaving him and being alone because your 'curvy' he's horrible and abusive and you can do better

He is divorce worthy regardless if your size. As others have said, he's nasty, he used your weight to attack you, he probably knew it would upset you, if however you hated your big ears he would have made a comment about those. This is someone who is using your insecurities to attack and undermine you to give him power over you. DONT GO BACK, imagine what kind of father he would be, and how diminished you would feel after more years of this. Run fast and far, you're already out the door.

Please, please, please dump this man. He sounds like a controlling, gaslighting narcissist.

My ex was a bit like this, although more indirect and passive aggressive about it - he would do things like talk about how various other women were super attractive (emphasising aspects of their bodies that were the opposite of mine), said his ex girlfriend was the best looking women he'd been out with, and fake-complimented me on my 'real' (i.e. imperfect) body.

I binned him. I'm now with a wonderful man who adores me. The ex is still single.

You could be size 100US for all I could care. Make him your ex. No loving persen tells their partner how unattractive they are, how unsexy. That's ALWAYS controlling and nasty!

You've been separated months, no sec for years and he's abusive to you. What is there to think twice about ?!?

UK size 10 he's having a bloody laugh, that's miles off being fat, tell him when was the last time he looked in the mirror,
Please don't let him drag you down i'd show him the door.

Stop looking for a man that you hope will cherish you, that leaves you vulnerable to fake love bombing leading on to controlling behaviour. Instead cherish yourself and be happy as a single woman. Then when you meet someone again don't be tempted to change yourself to gain his love, instead wait until he proves himself to be a good man who deserves your love.

Leave him. He's abusive.

No it doesn't matter but people are displaying their shock due to the fact that your size would rule out even remotely under any circumstances calling you fat.

You could be a size 0 or a 26 and it would be wrong to insult you.

He sounds emotionally abusive op, please don't waste your life on a partner who is just going to ruin the short time you have on this planet!

Leave, today.
Get counselling to rebuild self esteem and re-establish a realistic perspective on your weight and looks.
He’s an abuser. Get out now. Good luck, you’re going to have a great life without him.

It's not your size that's the issue it's him. Don't let him back!

I think also people were slightly confused at the beginning because a size 6 in the uk is very thin.

But is it divorce worthy since I am curvy?

No but being an utter arsehole is. Serve him papers, it will the best thing you ever do, even though it might take you a while to realise it.

Don't stay separated, divorce him.

he told me that he would never touch me again
He hasn’t initiated sex in years
wouldn’t look sideways at me if I was changing my clothes
I also don’t want a physical relationship with him after those hurtful words

So how on earth is this ever going to work?
Basically he's an abusive prick.
You no doubt, look amazing and he doesn't like that. He wants you to feel crap. He will keep knocking you down.
Soon you will be a shell of your former self.
You will have eating disorders and mental health issues.
Please don't do this to yourself.
He's nasty and vile and you know you deserve far better than this asshole!

You said it yourself: I can’t keep going on like this. This will go on forever if you take him back. Ditch him, and all the self-doubt he's trying to pile onto you.

A UK size 10 is NOT curvy it is still thin. A UK size 12 - 14 (US 8 - 10) is curvy!

This has nothing to do with what you weigh and all to do with the lack of respect that he has shown you, the fact that he sees fit to insult your appearance, the fact that he has little / no sex drive. Basically he sounds like a git. You should leave him whatever size clothes you buy!

It is divorce worthy.

Imagine having a child with him. If it's a girl, she will learn that she needs to be thin for a future man, thin to be worthy. A boy will get taught that women who aren't thin are worthless.

Absolutely worth divorcing over.

Thanks for all the support! I’m ashamed to actually admit that I’m a licensed counselling therapist in Canada and help lots of women recognize abusive behaviour and leave the relationships. I recognized the abuse in my own relationship and asked him to leave 6 months ago. Sometimes a person is just too close to their own issues to really see them as clearly. It’s very reassuring to hear that I’m on the right track!

Don't feel too bad. Physician heal thyself is a well known saying for a reason

You’re half way there, move forward not backwards to this loser of a husband. Learn to love yourself rather than looking for a man to cherish you and boost your confidence.

Sometimes you just need someone outside with no biases to tell you what you already think to confirm it's really true.

You know the right and healthy decision was to end things 6 months ago. The next step you need to take is to finally cut contact so he can't emotionally manipulate or abuse you then to get on with the divorce so you can put this horrible episode in your life behind you.

I think it could make you a better therapist/councillor as you have experienced how your clients may find themselves in untenable relationships.