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Original poster

Pregnant and in a mess

123 replies

Littlemermaid1 · 09/06/2019 20:26

Yesterday I found out I'm unexpectedly pregnant, the dad is someone I've been dating for six weeks.

I told him I'm pregnant today in person, he was shocked but comforting, asked me what I want to do and when I wasnt sure he said he doesnt want more dc (he has two teenagers with ex wife), doesnt want to disrupt existing kids etc and he would rather abort.

I'm not sure I want to abort, I need to think about it but I'm very upset he hasn't offered to support the pregnancy, try to co parent etc.

Is there any way I could encourage him to consider choosing the pregnancy? I would struggle without his help and support (mostly emotionally, financially I work full time so ok). Has anyone had this and then the man came round to the idea of a baby? None of this is ideal, we hardly know each other but a condom issue has put us here so got to make choices ☹

I just wish I wasnt alone.

OP posts:
Joopy · 09/06/2019 20:28

Did you tell him that you didn't want to abort?
Do you have family nearby to support you?

Original poster
Littlemermaid1 · 09/06/2019 20:33

I dont have any family nearby. I cried a lot and said I wasnt sure I could do it

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 09/06/2019 20:37

I wouldn’t want to continue a pregnancy with somebody I’d only known a few weeks and I don’t think you can really blame him for being honest and saying he doesn’t want to, either. You barely know each other and he won’t have decided yet whether he sees you as a longer term thing. It’s a totally unideal situation and you really can’t make anyone “come around” to the situation. Sure, some posters will come along to say they got pregnant early in a relationship and are still a happy couple several years later; but the reality is that they’re a minority and if you choose to continue the pregnancy, do so on the basis that you will be a lone parent and his contribution will be in the form of child maintenance only. It’s entirely your decision whether you go ahead and have the baby, but not your decision what his level of involvement is.

Hiphopopotamous · 09/06/2019 20:37

I guess you have to factor into your decision that you will probably be looking after the child alone if he isn't interested- I can only imagine how hard it is to be a single parent, we struggle with 2 of us looking after the DC.

Joopy · 09/06/2019 20:39

How do you feel about having kids? Do you want to have kids now? I don't think you can rely on his emotional support if he wants you to abort.

Dandelion1993 · 09/06/2019 20:39

I firstly think it's a good thing that he's been upfront about not wanting more children. It does sound like he'd step up and help.

He said an abortion is what he would like to happen, you've said you're not sure.

Right now I'd say you both need to be apart a few days, then arrange to sit down and really go though it.

My husband and I fell pregnant with out eldest after only 3 mo this of dating. Its hard and a shock and after time apart to think about what we both wanted, we were able to talk things through.

SmilingThroughIt · 09/06/2019 20:39

Congrats op. Ultimately it's what you decide. I also dont think this man is unreasonable for feeling this way. Its 6 weeks - that's like 2 minutes. He should support you financially as that is his responsibility but to expect emotional support that would be a bit unfair. You barely know each other, so expecting him to be there for the foreseeable future might be unrealistic.

funnylittlefloozie · 09/06/2019 20:40

You cant be more than 6 weeks pregnant - this problem may go away by itself. I dont really blame your BF for not being overjoyed, either. After 6 weeks dating my BF, i was still wondering whether he was the right man for me. Your BF may well be still in that mindset.

If you are adamant that you wont abort, then you need to make plans for being a single mum, with probably zero emotional support from the father. Personally, its not a situation i would ever contemplate, but its entirely your choice to make.

BTW, if i was your BF, i wouldnt pay anything until i'd seen a positive DNA test. Sad, but thats life.

SmilingThroughIt · 09/06/2019 20:41

I would also not to the route of trying to convince him to accept this, or live on the hope he might come around. He has clearly told you what he wants. If you want the baby, then the most realistic option for you is to prepare to do it alone.

peachgreen · 09/06/2019 20:43

Sorry to hear this OP. Unfortunately you can't force him to want to be a part of the child's life if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy (besides of course pursuing maintenance as you should). I think you'll have to make this decision in the knowledge that you'll be a single parent.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 09/06/2019 21:01

he was shocked but comforting, asked me what I want to do and when I wasnt sure he said he doesnt want more dc (he has two teenagers with ex wife), doesnt want to disrupt existing kids etc and he would rather abort

I'm not sure I want to abort, I need to think about it but I'm very upset he hasn't offered to support the pregnancy, try to co parent etc

It sounds like he's handled it pretty well - he was comforting and asked what you wanted to do. It was only when asked his opinion, he said he'd rather the pregnancy was aborted.

You say that you aren't sure what you want but wanted him to immediately leap to being pleased, offering to coparent, etc. I know this is a lot to process for you both, but I don't think he's in the wrong for not wanting a baby with you. You barely know each other - committing to a lifetime of coparenting another human is a massive decision and it speaks kind of well of him that he didn't immediately leap to that without thinking about it properly.

This is a big decision and you don't have to rush into anything. But if you do go ahead with the pregnancy, I would do it on the basis of being a single parent with child support and possibly contact from the father, rather than this being something that you do as a couple.

MrsMeSeeks · 09/06/2019 21:03

There isn't really any way to persuade him to "choose" something he doesn't want - and it's not at all surprising that he doesn't really want this after six weeks of dating. It's a tough situation for you to be in, but it doesn't sound like he's offering the emotional support and co-parenting commitment you'd prefer. His only obligations are financial, so it really sounds like you need to have a good think about how you feel carrying on with the pregnancy on that basis. Of course there's an outside chance he might "come round" - but it doesn't sound very likely, and I don't think there's anything you can do to make it happen. It's a tough spot to be in. Flowers

Tiredtessy · 09/06/2019 22:05

Tricky one, his kids are older, he will know how hard it is etc, are you aware of the costs of nursery fees etc? Will be hard without family to support you if he doesn’t but thousands of people do it, I’m single mum to my Ds; his dad is useless but sees him but pays nothing, I have a full time job and part time job and moved back home for a long time, my mum helps me quite a bit and have to rely on friends a lot after school, he’s amazing But it’s been tough juggling everything, he was planned to by ex was useless!

Xmas2020 · 09/06/2019 22:10

Why do you need his validation/permission?

burnyburny · 09/06/2019 22:14

Where on Earth has she said that she does?

Cherrysoup · 09/06/2019 22:47

Is there any way I could encourage him to consider choosing the pregnancy?

She’s asking here, in a practical sense, but she doesn’t need him to say yes or no, plus he’s made it quite clear that he doesn’t want another child.

bluebell34567 · 09/06/2019 22:53

you've known him only for 6 weeks. there wont be any magic that he will be happy about it now.
he may change later but there is no guarantee.
so, you must decide yourself if you want this baby and can manage to look after him/her.
also think how you will feel if you abort.

Shequakes · 10/06/2019 04:47

You cant convince him to want something different.

Honestly, if I was pregnant to someone I knew 6 weeks. I also wouldnt want to continue the pregnancy.

He may be a good guy. But you have no idea how co parenting would go. In 5 months you may find you actually dont get on, long term. That can happen with or without the baby.

Continuing ther pregnancy is entirely you choice. If you want to go ahead, do it. But do it exepecting no emotional support. That way you wont be hurt if he doesn't step up.

Original poster
Littlemermaid1 · 10/06/2019 04:49

Thank you. I agree it makes sense that he doesnt want to coparent or try to make a relationship work. I know aborting may be the best option but I'm finding it really distressing and I dont know if I can do it.

Last night I asked him about the option of keeping it, if i didn't feel able to abort. He said if I kept it then his life was over and he felt suicidal Sad basically as a divorced dad he doesnt feel able to put his teenagers through the trauma of knowing they have a sibling, with someone he just met and not in a long term relationship.

I feel in an awful predicament.

OP posts:
Shequakes · 10/06/2019 04:56

The suicidal comment is a huge red flag.

Were you aware he has MH problems? Or is the suicide comment very much a new problem.

If he genuine has mental health problems, then again, you are trying yourself to him forever and you have no idea how extensive the issues are.

If hevsaidbit to force an abortion, that's really not ok and shows you who he is.

Either way its manipulative.

Though I totally get why he doesnt want another child. That comment makes me feel uncomfortable.

It's so hard, because you arent sure. What you need to realise is that, you are potentially tying yourself to this man (who you dont know) for life.

Original poster
Littlemermaid1 · 10/06/2019 05:24

I'm not sure if he has mh problems. My instinct is that is he is very upset by the situation, can only see one way out and the suicide threats are to reinforce that. I don't think hes a bad person, I dont want to have a baby with someone I just met either.

I dont really know what I can do or say to improve things with him, other than 'I've booked an abortion'.

OP posts:
Eslteacher06 · 10/06/2019 05:31

Well if you did go ahead with the abortion, I can't imagine that would improve things in your relationship. I'd have thought you'd feel resentment towards him? Plus...what if you wanted kids in the future?

Good luck-whatever you decide!

Shequakes · 10/06/2019 05:31

Yeah, but someone mentally healthy doesnt jump straight to suicidal.

Either this really will cause him a lots of issues with his kids (who knows why) or his mental health is a little fragile.

I suffer with anxiety and depression. I know I can over react and think my life is over, when actually its not. It's just difficult.

I think you have to accept, that in all probability the relationship is over

Either you get an abortion, which you may find hard to get past

Or you dont and he doesnt want to be with you or support you.

Keeping the baby has to be decision you make. But make it with expectation that he wont be involved at all.

It's so very difficult, I am sorry you are having to make this decision Flowers

Shequakes · 10/06/2019 05:32

Oh and yes, if you want to be with him long term, have the abortion and stay with him.

He doesnt want kids. How do you feel about that?

ReganSomerset · 10/06/2019 05:35

Ah. Suicide threats. Trust me, you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who issues them. I think he's just trying to manipulate you into aborting. My understanding is that men who are serious about suicide don't tend to warn people about it or use it as a manipulation tactic, they just do it. Like anything, this won't be true for everyone, but I do find it hard to believe that his threat is genuine and wouldn't base your choices on it.