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Original poster

Pregnant and in a mess

123 replies

Littlemermaid1 · 09/06/2019 20:26

Yesterday I found out I'm unexpectedly pregnant, the dad is someone I've been dating for six weeks.

I told him I'm pregnant today in person, he was shocked but comforting, asked me what I want to do and when I wasnt sure he said he doesnt want more dc (he has two teenagers with ex wife), doesnt want to disrupt existing kids etc and he would rather abort.

I'm not sure I want to abort, I need to think about it but I'm very upset he hasn't offered to support the pregnancy, try to co parent etc.

Is there any way I could encourage him to consider choosing the pregnancy? I would struggle without his help and support (mostly emotionally, financially I work full time so ok). Has anyone had this and then the man came round to the idea of a baby? None of this is ideal, we hardly know each other but a condom issue has put us here so got to make choices ☹

I just wish I wasnt alone.

OP posts:
Bumpitybumper · 10/06/2019 05:53

Could it be that the suicide threats are just a result of him trying to process the news and deal with the shock? I'm not saying it's fair or reasonable for him to react like that, but realistically you have just dropped a bombshell that has the potential to drastically change his life and in his view not for the better. He probably feels all sorts of emotions and it must be hard to be in a position where you have very little influence over such a major thing happening.

I don't think that this means you must abort for his sake, but i do think it probably helps explain his behaviour and show you the strength of his feelings about this. In this context, expecting him to be supportive or jump at the opportunity to co-parent is massively unrealistic...

Original poster
Littlemermaid1 · 10/06/2019 05:59

Thanks so much for your replies, they are really helping.

I do think that hes in shock and reacting to that shock. I found out twelve hours sooner than him (and waited to see him in person to tell him) and I was in a really bad state, it took me 24 hours to calm down and even now I'm finding it hard to get clarity in my own mind.

From what pp have said and hes said, it sounds like hes unlikely to soften in terms feeling able to keep the baby and be involved. I'm not sure I can cope with solo pregnancy and parenting a new baby on my own.

OP posts:
niceupthedanceagain · 10/06/2019 06:13

How old are you do you have other children?
I did pregnancy and lone parenting after a similar incident with a friend - his reaction was to say if I had it, he would move abroad!
His family (and me) pushed him into being involved but he has now walked away, in honesty it would have been better for my DC if he had never been involved in the first place.
Ps: I would not become a lone parent without a support network as it's very very difficult.

Moralitym1n1 · 10/06/2019 07:54

Could you move back to familt?
Would they be in a position/inclined to offer much help?
Have you already got kids?
If not, how old are you - it's worth considering in terms of time to meet someone and have kids.

If you apply for cm from him, does he have a way of evading it eg becoming officially unemployed, self employed etc. or is he likely to continue in a steady job that is easy to trace. His older kids may mean he's v unlikely to bolt abroad or stop working etc.

No doubt the suicide comment is a hysterical, extreme reaction to feeling trapped and manipulation. Unless he had history of my problems.

Moralitym1n1 · 10/06/2019 07:55

*MH

Moralitym1n1 · 10/06/2019 08:06

His teenagers would adjust after the initial shock.
And they are likely to have little to do with their step sibling anyway - teenagers are not widely known for wanting to coo over babies and look after them (even full siblings), they have pressure with school, exams, they start getting part-time jobs, their priority tends to be their friends & growing social life, they start getting boyfriends and girlfriends. If they go to uni they often relocate and all of the above becomes even more the case. Their focus and priority will be elsewhere. Most parents , resident and non find it hard to get their teenagers to spend much time or do much with them, except take money & lifts (!)
As they get older, they might be more interactive but theyll have their own lives.

Do this catastrophic impact on them is a bit melodramatic. If he didn't want to ever ever have a step sibling in their lives he shouldn't be relying on only condoms, he should have taken some responsibility for himself and gotten the snip (how come you didn't get the map incidentally or did it not work?).

Moralitym1n1 · 10/06/2019 08:08

*So

Moralitym1n1 · 10/06/2019 08:12

Plus if he refuses to do anything other than reluctantly pay cm, his teenagers won't even have to see their half sibling (sorry I was wrong saying step sibling,bits half sibling) or have their time with their dad compromised.

I understand he's referring to the emotional impact as well, but as above, perhaps he should've thought about that when having sex with only condoms and not following up with the map (?) It's not up to anyone to abort a potential child he made just to avoid affecting any existing children. He should've taken his ass to the vasectomy ward.

Bluntness100 · 10/06/2019 08:21

The suicide threats are a red flag. Past that though thr child is not planned, he took precautions and it was a contraceptive failure. He is within his rights to not wish the pregnancy to proceed and to think of the impact on his other kids.

You on the other hand are within your rights to proceed. I'd say either way the relarionship is likely over. You hardly know each other and your views are very different on this and that will likely not be possible to reconcile.

It's unlikely he will change is view. As such you need to make the decision based on whether you wish to be a single parent or not.

BlueMoon1103 · 10/06/2019 08:21

Is this guy my ex?! He said the same thing to me when I got pregnant (he had no older kids though)

OP, tell him to do one, he’s being manipulative and unfair. I was in your situation and I now parent DS on my own, if you feel able to do that and do not want an abortion, carry on with the pregnancy. It’s a hard situation without anyone to make you feel worse! Good luck.

Astronica · 10/06/2019 08:33

I think you need time to be very careful about what you think and feel, quite separate to the things he's telling you about what he feels. Of course you need to factor in his thoughts and feelings, but you need this to be your decision. That's why some time alone to question yourself would be useful.

Do you hope to have children in your life at some time? If he doesn't ever want children with you do you want to continue the relationship?

How woud you feel if you have an abortion and then the relationship doens't last? Would you regret an abortion if you were doing it just to make the relationship last?

How would you feel if you have an abortion and then stay with him longterm? Would you be sad that you didn't have children? Would you feel sad and hold it against him that he made you choose between him and your child, which is what he is doing now. He is being manipulative, which is why you need to find your own strength and make your own decision.

If you consider having the child are you able to start to find ways to plan and get support to make this happen - even if planning means starting to research services, ways to manage financially etc?

Take your time, and have confidence in your own feelings, plans and decisions. Best of luck!

Petitprince · 10/06/2019 08:40

I'd keep the baby. He may come round, he may not. But if you want the baby, have it. Cynically, he may just be trying to push you to abort as he knows he will have to pay maintenance if you split.

Soconfusedandlost · 10/06/2019 08:46

Be careful. He may still be with his ex wife or someone else.

I have ds who is 6 months. His father said he was single. He introduced me to friends, took me to local pub (no attempt to hide me). Contraceptive failure and he was initially pleased while I was unsure as we had only been together 3 months. He spent a month persuading me that the baby was a good thing and he was so excited etc. Then he turned around and demanded abortion. By then, I wanted to keep the baby too so refused.

Turns out he was still with ex wife and I was the ow. I've had abuse from him and wife, them spreading rumours about me, saying baby isn't his and demanding dna test while insisting baby has his surname and he picks the first name (neither of that happened even when dna showed he was the dad).

My son has been poorly since birth with low weight gain and kidney issues. His dad has seen him once when he took dna and refused to look at him as he "didn't want to bond with him".

Be very careful. You can do it on your own but don't expect anything and plan for him to do nothing

SparklyMagpie · 10/06/2019 08:47

Sure he's in shock but what a dick for throwing the " I'm suicidal " card. He's using that as his last option to get you to abort

This relationship won't work now anyway, think hard about what YOU want ! And don't let him bully you into any decisions

Take care OP and good luck with whatever you decide x

Original poster
Littlemermaid1 · 10/06/2019 09:15

Thank you everyone, your comments mean so much as I'm really struggling. I'm also wondering whether he may have something going on with his ex wife or another woman as his reaction seems hysterical. I told my exh to get his advice and he has reacted very differently, saying this guy needs to stop being melodramatic and he thinks he may be secretly married or attached as well.

Whilst it's a shock, I can't see how a baby would massively impact teenagers if hes been divorced for five years. There would be no need to tell the world he had just met me, we could both say we had been seeing each other a while, I think most people are more interested in their own lives than to give us a hard time for having a baby when we aren't in a long term relationship.

Maybe we wouldn't have a relationship and he would just visit the baby, co parent etc. Its not ideal but the pregnancy is here and we dont have any 'ideal' options.

I'm hoping he will have calmed down soon.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 10/06/2019 09:26

I don't think you should pin any hope on him wanting to coparent, OP. I think you'd be setting yourself up for disappointment.

NewMe2019 · 10/06/2019 09:27

No OP, he wouldn't be visiting and co-parenting. He doesn't want any more children. Which is absolutely valid. You either have an abortion or you keep the baby and go it alone.

My DP has a teen and he definitely doesn't want any more (neither do I anyway) and I absolutely respect his choice. You need to respect this man's choice that he doesn't want more children. So forget this co-parenting ideal that you seem to have.

TheStuffedPenguin · 10/06/2019 09:30

You are hoping and expecting too much of someone who is practically a stranger to you . How old are you ? ( Have I missed this ? ) Why are you so desperate to have a child now on your own with no support ?

MarthasGinYard · 10/06/2019 09:32

'Is there any way I could encourage him to consider choosing the pregnancy? '

Not really he clearly has stated he doesn't want another dc and he's only known you 6 weeks and was using a condom.

Moralitym1n1 · 10/06/2019 09:34

Why are you so desperate to have a child now on your own with no support ?

Sounds to me not so much that she's desperate to have a child; as doesn't want to have an abortion.

MarthasGinYard · 10/06/2019 09:36

'I'm also wondering whether he may have something going on with his ex wife or another woman as his reaction seems hysterical.'

Possibly or maybe not

We generally don't know too much about someone's life after knowing them a few weeks.

However how you talk about him coming around and 'calming down' is quite worrying.

He doesn't want another dc. Not up to you to decide how it may or may not impact on 'his teens'. Awful.

He doesn't want the dc

Original poster
Littlemermaid1 · 10/06/2019 09:54

Thanks. I'm 39. I have two dc with exh. It isn't that I want another baby, it wasnt my plan either, but I'm not sure I can abort. I'm reasonably well set up as a single parent already, work full time, home and mortgage etc. It would be really hard to have another child, but I might have to make that choice as I'm pregnant.

I agree it's not my place to assess how it would impact his teenagers, however I dont think it's fair either for him to threaten suicide if I dont abort. It's both of our 'fault' this has happened. I am assuming he wouldn't want any involvement if I continue with the pregnancy.

I am struggling.

OP posts:
HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 10/06/2019 10:10

He said if I kept it then his life was over and he felt suicidal

Hmm, I would be reluctant to tie myself to this man. What he said is manipulative. I also think he is unlikely to change his mind and want to coparent or be in a relationship with a child. If you do manage to persuade him, he may change his mind later, or be inconsistent in his involvement. I would decide based on likely being a single parent.

On the other hand, you don't know him well and if he did change his mind and want 50/50 shared care or similar, you may find he is someone you don't want to have in your child's life!

It does very much depend on your own views about abortion, this pregnancy, your age and chances of another pregnancy in future if you terminate now. So entirely your decision. But I'd remember that you barely know this man, and what kind of parent he would be.

MarthasGinYard · 10/06/2019 10:14

'I dont think it's fair either for him to threaten suicide if I dont abort. It's both of our 'fault' this has happened. I'

We technically no this doesn't seem fair

But

Again

You don't know him.

He's a guy you have been dating and sleeping with for only six weeks

If it's making him feel like that then just realise if you keep the dc you will be on your own.

Coronapop · 10/06/2019 10:15

It sounds as though his response was reasonable given the circumstances. Take time to think about what you want to do but he has made his position clear and that is not likely to change.