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Original poster

Pregnant and in a mess

123 replies

Littlemermaid1 · 09/06/2019 20:26

Yesterday I found out I'm unexpectedly pregnant, the dad is someone I've been dating for six weeks.

I told him I'm pregnant today in person, he was shocked but comforting, asked me what I want to do and when I wasnt sure he said he doesnt want more dc (he has two teenagers with ex wife), doesnt want to disrupt existing kids etc and he would rather abort.

I'm not sure I want to abort, I need to think about it but I'm very upset he hasn't offered to support the pregnancy, try to co parent etc.

Is there any way I could encourage him to consider choosing the pregnancy? I would struggle without his help and support (mostly emotionally, financially I work full time so ok). Has anyone had this and then the man came round to the idea of a baby? None of this is ideal, we hardly know each other but a condom issue has put us here so got to make choices ☹

I just wish I wasnt alone.

OP posts:
littlepeaegg · 10/06/2019 21:33

Unsure if this is helpful or not, but I was in a similar position.

Fell pregnant very early on in a relationship. He was adamant he didn't want me to have it. Told me he'd leave me if I kept it, but would stay if I aborted.

I booked for an abortion; but did not go through with it. He went crazy. I had death threats, and felt so unsafe. It wasn't ideal.

Anyway, I had my little boy, three months premature. 7 years ago. He is my absolute world. He does not see his biological dad, as that was his choice. But he is such a happy boy and I'm now in a long term relationship with someone who loves and cares for him.

You need to make sure you are doing the right thing for you. No one else. Yes it was a struggle. But I've done 7 years! And I think I'm doing alright too. Financially we are fine, emotionally it has been tough. But you just do what you have to do. Xx

MrsBobDylan · 10/06/2019 22:17

Reading what you wrote about his reaction re: the impact on his teenage children op, it reminded me of a relative of mine who had a baby with a man and kept new baby and teenagers a secret from each other. Although it is still shrouded in mystery, it became clear that he wasn't quite the free agent he purported to be.

I would discount this man. Make your decision on the basis of what you want/can cope with.

Pinkmouse6 · 11/06/2019 14:39

A friend of mine was in a similar situation except she had been with the man for years. They had just separated when she found out she was pregnant and he went ballistic, demanded she have an abortion etc. She refused to and now has a lovely baby, he has nothing to do with the baby nor does his family who have also got in on the name calling (and they claim they’re Christians which is the biggest joke!). She has had to deal with a lot of crap and rise above it, it hasn’t been easy.

Legally speaking, he only has to financially provide for the baby. He doesn’t have to help out or ever even meet the baby. You can’t force him to parent this child so going forward, you need to accept that if you keep the baby you may well be doing it alone. Being a single parent of three won’t be easy but if you feel that is something you can cope with then go for it.

I understand the reluctance to abort, abortions aren’t an easy thing to do at all. If I were in your situation I would most likely abort though. You need to consider your existing children.

Butterflyone1 · 11/06/2019 14:54

I honestly don't understand the logic with some people. You both had sex clearly without suitable protection and fell pregnant now you both have to deal with it.

Clearly this man isn't sticking around and I'm not surprised considering you've been together six weeks. Your choice now is whether you want to abort a baby because of how inconvenient it is or be an adult and deal with the consequences of your actions.

If you continue with having the baby, he won't be around but you may get maintenance from him. It probably will come out to his DC that they have a sibling but if he has nothing to do with the baby then it won't impact them.

I guess you need to make the decision.

AnnaNimmity · 11/06/2019 15:21

when i was in your situation OP, even though (at the time) my partner wanted me to proceed and we were still together and wanted to be involved, I didn't keep the baby. I didn't want to put my children through that, and I didn't want to be a single parent again. It's too hard having a baby on your own (my marriage broke down when I was pregnant a few years ago).

It was a really hard decision, and one I didn't take lightly, but it was right.

Do you really want to do this alone? What about your other children?

Original poster
Littlemermaid1 · 11/06/2019 16:13

Thanks.

@AnnaNimmity how did you feel about the abortion at the time and now a few years later? I am leaning towards it because it would be very hard to have three dc, two different dads, plus aborting at 6 weeks would be easier than if I decided I couldn't cope at 12 weeks for example...

I think it may be tricky for my dc and the baby if I have it, existing dc are at school, would get less of my time, my home is quite small so not very practical. Not sure how I would explain the dc and the baby about different dads, especially if babys dad wasnt very helpful.

I just dont want to make a decision I regret, it's so hard.

OP posts:
AnnaNimmity · 11/06/2019 16:20

I feel it was absolutely the right thing to do Littemermaid - it was massively tough at the time, but I didn't think it was best for my children, who'd already gone through a divorce, and are pretty reliant on me (my exH being a bit crap). I also thought it's just so tough being a single parent of a baby, that I couldn't go through that again, and my children needed all of me, not exhausted, sleep deprived, vomiting me.

I don't regret it at all actually.

In my case also, the father turned out to be an absolute abusive monster, who abandoned a later baby/girlfriend, and I think keeping him in my life/with power over me would have been horrendous.

AnnaNimmity · 11/06/2019 16:22

I also thought that my existing children needed all of my attention, and it wasn't fair on them to dilute that, let alone the financial implications, the implications of room sharing, impact on their lives. It wasn't fair on them.

HollowTalk · 11/06/2019 17:07

I've never had an abortion but things are very different nowadays to when I was young and may have had to consider it. If you've only known him six weeks then you can only be a couple of weeks pregnant at the most. I would act fast and wouldn't feel guilty about having an abortion. I wouldn't want a baby with someone who didn't want one - it sounds as though he'd disappear if you kept the baby.

Annasgirl · 11/06/2019 17:21

Honestly OP if you have only known him 6 weeks then you are less than 6 weeks pregnant. If I were you I would abort - you are only taking a pill, like the morning after pill, which I am sure you would have taken if you had known the next day there was a risk of pregnancy.

I think having 3 DC with 2 dads one of whom is not on the scene anymore would be too disruptive and how would your own DC cope with this?

Annasgirl · 11/06/2019 17:22

Oh and I would not be planning any future with this man regardless of how I decided to proceed.

EileenAlanna · 11/06/2019 17:25

@Littlemermaid1 I don't think it's fully sunk in with you yet that the baby's father isn't going to be helping in any way, be in the child's life or yours in any way, except by paying CM if you pursue him for it. He won't be turning up at your door every month with the money, it'll simply be transferred from his account into yours. There won't be birthdays, Christmases, Father's Days to sort out between you - he won't be involved. He could emigrate half way round the world & as long as the CM is paid you wouldn't even know, nor would you need to.
Best way forward for you is to think of him as dead/never existed so won't be anywhere around - not even as photos to show in later years - & go from there deciding if you can cope with another child, or if you really even want to. Best of luck going forward with whatever you decide Flowers

Bluerussian · 11/06/2019 17:29

Do you really want to be a one parent family?
You hardly know this man, try to be sensible and not emotional about the situation. People do get over abortions and at your stage, your embryo is not at all developed.

Don't get pregnant again! It's not that difficult to avoid pregnancy if you really want to. Wait until you find someone who is ready to commit to a full relationship, including kids.

MarthasGinYard · 11/06/2019 17:38

'especially if babys dad wasnt very helpful.'

I'd just factor in that this virtual stranger won't be on the scene.

Marlena1 · 11/06/2019 17:39

OP so sorry you are going through this. If you have children already you can gauge how difficult it would be for you. Maybe your children would adapt and like another sibling. I do think your relashionship probably will end anyway so think of that as separate to this issue.

Original poster
Littlemermaid1 · 11/06/2019 17:46

I do think it would be very difficult having three children on my own. Whereas my existing two dc go to stay with their dad every weekend, the baby probably wouldn't, even when it was a bit older. It would leave me very tired and exhausted, with very little time to meet a decent man either (not that a new partner is a priority, but I was dating having been single for several years and hoping to meet someone for a loving long term relationship).

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 11/06/2019 17:50

Make your list Op

I know it sounds callous but pro's and cons.

Don't factor him in

SinkGirl · 11/06/2019 17:57

I wouldn’t do it.

I realise my situation is not typical but

  • I had twins
  • one twin almost died, needed early emergency section
  • one twin in NICU for two weeks, one for two months
  • a week after coming home he had to be admitted to HDU and I had to stay in with him for 11 nights
  • both boys are disabled - they both have ASD, one has other disabilities too
  • We have no family around to help

There is no way I could handle all this without DH or at least family on hand to help, especially if I had two other children. Who’d look after the kids during the hospital stays, how would I get the kids to school when the twins have therapy / appointments?

Now chances are none of this would happen, but if you discover later that there’s more than one or discover when they’re born (or even years later) that they have health issues / disabilities, how would you cope? How would this impact your two children?

MarthasGinYard · 11/06/2019 17:59

IMO you need to put your 2 existing dc first and foremost.

Fridaylegacy · 12/06/2019 04:16

I am in a similar situation.
I have a 15 yr old with my ex husband now I’m 34 and I’m pregnant for someone I was with for 6 months, we broke up then became friends with benefits then a week before I found out I was pregnant I decided I was over him, told him as much in an attempt to move on. Now I’m six months pregnant and from day one of telling him about my pregnancy he was distant suddenly too busy, he didn’t ask me to abort but said a baby is always a blessing but his actions in following weeks showed me he wasn’t interested.
After inviting him to numerous appointments and hearing excuse after excuse I decided, this is my body, my life and my baby.

You can’t base your choice on a mans involvement. Make the best choice for you. You don’t wanna have an abortion solely for his benefit within the next year he moves on and you hear he’s expecting with his new lady, you’ll be distraught.

Im currently working full time, a new baby is gonna throw a spanner in the works but I’m will to accommodate the changes it will bring.

If an abortion is best for you and your situation then sure but don’t put yourself through anything for another person that will affect you long term.

All the best.....
Just wanted to let you know your not alone in this xx

TheStuffedPenguin · 12/06/2019 06:48

I also thought that my existing children needed all of my attention, and it wasn't fair on them to dilute that, let alone the financial implications, the implications of room sharing, impact on their lives. It wasn't fair on them.

This !

Original poster
Littlemermaid1 · 12/06/2019 08:02

I met up with him last night. From a practical perspective I'm thinking terminating would be best - for existing dc, avoid years of stress etc. He is really set on termination and saying until I do so it is destroying him etc

The thing is, the way he is acting, making it all about him, has really put me of him and I dont think i want to see him again.

My big concern is seeing other babies, pregnant women etc and feeling distressed. Also my brother and his wife are due a baby same time as this one (just announced) so I'll forever be reminded I would have had one exactly the same age Sad

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 12/06/2019 08:04

You never know - you may actually feel relief . I had an abortion many years ago and all I have ever felt is relief.

madcatladyforever · 12/06/2019 08:09

Well it seems to me he's been quite clear about the pregnancy. he doesn't want it so i would not count on support from him, you will be a single parent.
i was a single parent at 21 and it was excruciatingly hard, my life was over for the next 10 years. Of course I love my son but a child ideally needs two happy settled parents or at the very least a mum who is financially stable with loving relatives to help out. I had neither and some days I wondered what the hell I was doing.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/06/2019 08:39

He is really set on termination and saying until I do so it is destroying him etc
Please stop involving him now.
He's made his feelings very clear.
It's all about HIM!
Fuck him.
HE doesn't get to decide.
You do.
Do what YOU are happy with and he can get to fuck.
He's horrible. I'm not surprised you don't want to see him again.
So don't.
Block him now. Get some headspace and think this through.