Pregnant and in a mess

[Littlemermaid1]

Yesterday I found out I'm unexpectedly pregnant, the dad is someone I've been dating for six weeks.

I told him I'm pregnant today in person, he was shocked but comforting, asked me what I want to do and when I wasnt sure he said he doesnt want more dc (he has two teenagers with ex wife), doesnt want to disrupt existing kids etc and he would rather abort.

I'm not sure I want to abort, I need to think about it but I'm very upset he hasn't offered to support the pregnancy, try to co parent etc.

Is there any way I could encourage him to consider choosing the pregnancy? I would struggle without his help and support (mostly emotionally, financially I work full time so ok). Has anyone had this and then the man came round to the idea of a baby? None of this is ideal, we hardly know each other but a condom issue has put us here so got to make choices ☹

I just wish I wasnt alone.

You've only been going out together for six weeks, relationships often fizzle out at that stage. I would have thought the pair of you could have been more careful but what's done is done.

I understand why he doesn't want any more children perfectly well. You say you have no support nearby, do you really want to be a one parent family, completely on your own? Apart from the two children you already have and it won't be a picnic for them.

At this early stage you have choices, don't be sentimental about a foetus. Concentrate on what you already have. You're a grown up woman. When I read the opening post, I thought you were about 24, not 39 with children.

I dont really know what I can do or say to improve things with him, other than 'I've booked an abortion'.

OP I would hope that you wouldn't have an abortion just to keep this liaison going. He doesn't want the baby and is threatening all sorts - you'd have to go through the trauma of an abortion if that's what YOU choose to do, but do you honestly think you can continue seeing this man after all this?

He's made his feelings clear so that's that done and now you are on your own and the choice is solely yours. Many women have done it on their own but it's bloody hard work with a partner never mind as a single parent. Be sure whatever you decide is what you really want.

His not going to change he has teenagers he knows exactly if he wants more children or not as his been there and done that.

At 6weeks in is expect him to demand a dna test if you continue and pretty much forced maintenance payments. He does not want to parent more children.

I’d question any man or women who though keeping a baby from a 6 week relationship was a good idea to be fair. Not exactly the smart or logical thing. How are you going to explain this to your current children who presumably don’t know you have a bf?

He said if I kept it then his life was over and he felt suicidal
Jeez... Please run away from this.
What a horrendous thing to say to you.
He's not the one pregnant or likely to be a single parent.
What an asshole.
This is YOUR decision.
Know that you will be doing it all alone.
It's very early days so termination should be straight forwards.
Stop waiting for him to calm down.
Take charge of your own life and make the best decision for YOU!

All of what he feels like etc is irrelevant . He has told you he doesn't want to be involved and who can blame him really .

You need to sensibly think about the impact this is going to have on you and your children's lives .

I sense a feeling here of thinking that he will change his mind .

I think either way, the relationship with this man is already over. He's blackmailing you into an abortion that you're not sure you want. If you went ahead with an abortion to appease him, then you will resent him and therefore the relationship will struggle. On the other hand, if you went ahead with the pregnancy, then he will resent you if he is adamant he doesn't want more children and therefore the relationship will be over.

Either way, the relationship is over, there is no future together and HUGE red flags waving already. It's only 6 weeks, you hardly know him.

Walk away, decide what you want to do regarding the pregnancy but do not pin your hopes on him being there in any capacity in the future.

He said if I kept it then his life was over and he felt suicidal

Ok, stop right here - this is where you draw a very sensible thick red line.

That's a totally unacceptable thing to say - utterly manipulative and a massive red flag. The only possible way this would end up being ok is if he came to you apologising for this comment, saying that he was absolutely in shock and knows it was a massively wrong thing to say. The only excuse, and even then it would make me back off hugely.

Leave him to his devices for now and see if that does happen.

In the meantime, have a very good think about what YOU want to do, and make that from the perspective of being a single parent with possibly nothing more than a financial input from this man. The bottom line is that you should take it as if you will not continue a relationship with this guy, he may or may not be involved at all if you were to continue the pregnancy. The decision on that is nothing to do with him and indeed should not be discussed with him until you've made up your mind.

Basically he is either:

a. in shock but clearly doesn't want another child, or a child with someone he does not know and that is fine, or

b. as above but his reaction has shown that he's also a manipulative arsehole who is also possibly still involved with his ex/other women anyway.

Either way, he's still a bloke you don't know. No way should you be factoring in to this massive decision the 'relationship' between the two of you - there isn't one really. Just think about what you want to do and completely remove him from it.

When you've made your decision and if it's to keep the baby, you reply to any further threats of suicide with 'That's manipulative and unacceptable and I don't want to have these conversations with you. If you feel that way you shouldn't be having sexual relationships which may lead to pregnancy. Of course it is your decision whether or not to be involved on a personal level so we need to keep the conversation to that.'

Thanks this thread is so helpful I am taking time now to decide what I want to do, assuming that he will have no involvement if I have the child - I accept that.

Judging by how he has been, it seems like he would be a very difficult person to have in my life long term (as father of child), I suppose I need to factor in the disruption and stress he may cause me over the years if I went ahead with this baby.

It's also worth considering how you'd manage financially. I know you said you work full time but would that be viable with childcare costs? Xx

'he would abort', well, then he can go and get an abortion then. Oh, wait . . .

His suicidal comment is straight up manipulation, big red flag that says, 'I'm an emotionally manipulative person who will try to bully and coerce you into doing what I want and getting my way no matter what!'

If he never wanted any more kids he should have had a vasectomy!

Don't terminate a pregnancy if you don't 100% want to do so.

I'd actually take a step back from him, tell him you need space to think and don't contact him for a while.

But you are not going to change his mind at all. You're going into this alone.

I think if he doesnt want any involvement that currently looks like a best case scenario. Because the suicide threat is a red flag and its easier to parent alone than with a manipulative twat (with the question over how single he is, but that might be nothing).
You sound prepared to be a single parent. Fingers crossed he does a 360 or leaves you alone throughout at least. The latter is more likely I think.

Why is it all about him and his needs/wants . It takes two , as they say , and he made his choice at the time. You need to view this as you being a single parent , assuming either he walks away or you don't view him as a long term propsect, especially given his reaction. Anything he does in future may impact on his existing dc, they would cope somehow. Do you need such selfish negativity in your and your dc lives regardless of the pregnancy.

He's worried about the impact that a new baby would have on his kids, but then would feel like killing himself which would have an even bigger impact on his kids.

Ignore what he wants and please dump him.

It's your body, your pregnancy. If want to abort then do so, if you dont, then continue with the pregnancy.

I think he's been clear that he doesn't want to co-parent. You're on your own if you keep the baby. He may provide financial support but I think you'd be foolish to think that he'll do anything beyond that.

Yes it makes him a prick, but it's entirely within his rights to do that

(yes and question whether you'd want someone like this, who's threatened suicide in your life anyway. He sounds at best a wreck, and at worse manipulative)

What about the effect on your other DC OP?
If you are a single parent working full time then you are already stretched. Adding a new baby is going to reduce the time you have for them and money will be very tight for a few years at least.

He's worried about the impact that a new baby would have on his kids, but then would feel like killing himself which would have an even bigger impact on his kids.

Very good point.

Would his kids rather have a half sibling they may or may not see - or a dead father.

Ridiculous.
He's a bit if a idiot/asshole - who clearly should have had a vasectomy.

Yes it makes him a prick, but it's entirely within his rights to do that

I don't think not wishing another child which has been conceived due to contraceptive failure with someone you've known literally six weeks actually makes him a prick. I think it makes him quite sensible actually. As does considering the impact on his other kids. I am stunned some folks are saying he is wrong to consider them. Of course he should. Bringing up kids isn't about " them coping" there is more to parenting than that.

Sure he has to step up financially if she forces this on him, and hopefully emotionally, but saying he didn't wish to proceed or considering his existing children certainly doesn't make him a prick.

What maybe makes him a prick is threatening suicide. But even this I'm not sure about as he may have mental health problems and not simply be threatening to get his own way, he may feel suicidal and then again he's clearly not a prick....I don't know which it is, none of us responding knows, and neither does rhe op as she doesn't actually know him either.

I think you need to assume you would be parenting solo, you may be able to fight for child support but he's made his thoughts clear, he was not planning on more kids and this is a birth control accident. If you feel like you can go it alone then it's your choice but consider if it is the right thing for you, having a child will potentially limit your ability to find someone to share your life with and have a child in a loving relationship.

It is however your decision not his

I never said that Bluntness. I can completely understand that he doesn't want anything to do with the child and he's considering his other children. But he's responsible for getting the OP pregnant too (assuming a contraception failure) and the best kind of human being would both respect the woman's choice over what she does and support a child that resulted from him having sex with her. Rather than threatening suicide. It's that that makes him a prick

You wouldn't need to have much to do with him if you didn't want to. Just a direct debit/CMS.

What bad luck OP. Honestly though, there's no way I'd sign myself up for another 18 years of single parenting at 39 (or 29 for that matter). I'd ditch the guy too for his hysterical threats too. This could all be behind you in a few days .

Please don't be forced by his emotional blackmail into having an abortion if you don't want one.
Do what YOU want to do, whatever that may be.
He has got children, you haven't and you could regret having an abortion for the rest of your life.
Ultimately it is YOUR decision.

@keeep cool

she already has two children.

@pusspuss9
Yes, just realised she has 2 DC.
@Littlemermaid1
It doesn't change my view that it's your choice