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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant and in a mess

123 replies

Littlemermaid1 · 09/06/2019 20:26

Yesterday I found out I'm unexpectedly pregnant, the dad is someone I've been dating for six weeks.

I told him I'm pregnant today in person, he was shocked but comforting, asked me what I want to do and when I wasnt sure he said he doesnt want more dc (he has two teenagers with ex wife), doesnt want to disrupt existing kids etc and he would rather abort.

I'm not sure I want to abort, I need to think about it but I'm very upset he hasn't offered to support the pregnancy, try to co parent etc.

Is there any way I could encourage him to consider choosing the pregnancy? I would struggle without his help and support (mostly emotionally, financially I work full time so ok). Has anyone had this and then the man came round to the idea of a baby? None of this is ideal, we hardly know each other but a condom issue has put us here so got to make choices ☹

I just wish I wasnt alone.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 12/06/2019 08:42

He's terrified

I don't blame him TBH

MarthasGinYard · 12/06/2019 08:44

Are you far enough along yet for a termination?

MarthasGinYard · 12/06/2019 08:52

You describe previously how you only slept with him once and that you are almost 40 with two dc who are still very young.

Think how it will impact on other lives

MarthasGinYard · 12/06/2019 08:54

'My big concern is seeing other babies, pregnant women etc and feeling distressed. Also my brother and his wife are due a baby same time as this one (just announced) so I'll forever be reminded I would have had one exactly the same age '

Perhaps make your 'big concern' the dc you currently have

Original poster
Littlemermaid1 · 12/06/2019 09:24

Martha I am considering my existing dc. Of course a baby would impact them, I would be tired, stretched more thinly etc, I know that. Longer term it could be a positive for them to have another sibling, who knows? I have to consider all my options and I know I may be quite affected by terminating.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 12/06/2019 11:05

Well firstly I think you need to cut him out now.

He's clearly a horrible manipulative arse. Delete him.

It is very early days so you do have a bit of thinking time.

One thing you do have to consider in this too. How would you feel if you kept the baby, and this (clearly not very nice) man did a u-turn... either under his own steam, or thanks to family (eg his mum) pressure?

If you have the baby he will have equal parenting responsibilities/rights. Now that brings enough issues when a man doesn't want to know, but what can be much more distressing and have a much bigger impact on all your lives is when he does.

So really think through how you would feel if six months down the line, when he's calmed down and told his older kids and maybe told his own parents who suddenly go nuts at the thought of not knowing a grandchild, you have this same manipulative OTT bloke start talking about wanting 50/50 access and the baby is mine too and my kids sibling too and I'll want overnights and holidays and and and...?

Factor that in. If you go ahead, he may disappear, but as he does already have kids he really may not disappear.

Pinkmouse6 · 12/06/2019 11:38

He definitely is behaving like a selfish arsehole, seemingly has no interest in you or how you may be feeling. Everything is about him and how this will affect his life. He seems extremely emotionally immature and inept really.

Contact Marie Stopes or BPAS if you haven’t already, they have amazing non biased counsellors ready to talk through your options and feelings. I don’t know what else to suggest. Termination seems like the most positive choice to make, to cut this wanker out of your life and move forward however I can see you’re struggling with that choice.

Original poster
Littlemermaid1 · 12/06/2019 11:44

Thanks, I have a first appointment with Marie Stopes. I agree that terminating is probably the best option, I'm not sure I could stand having this manipulative and selfish man in my life. And yes, he may disappear, or he may expect equal rights and make a lot of demands if I were to keep it. Not good for anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemermaid1 · 12/06/2019 11:58

Hes been sending me messages saying hes hurt his knee Confused he really has no idea what its like to be the one pregnant in this situation.

OP posts:
sincethereis · 12/06/2019 12:20

pros

you children get a new sibling they will most likely love

you don’t have to go through the emotional aspect of an abortion

might be last chance to have another baby

cons

you will be a single mom again (childcare costs, bearing the struggles of a new baby alone)

ur baby very likely won’t have a father and know their other siblings/relatives

you may not get CM/ a pittance of CM

[ the father doesn’t want another child/ may resent having another/mental health issues ?]

you have older kids who won’t have as much attention from you, have to get accustomed to a crying baby etc

[ In brackets bc think about u and your kids before u think of what he thinks!]

FizzyGreenWater · 12/06/2019 12:23

Please don't reply to any messages. If he continues to text nonsense simply reply 'Please stop contacting me for now, I will contact you when I have made my decision on the pregnancy.'

waterrat · 12/06/2019 12:38

Op I think there is a particular emotion attached to termination at this age (I am similar age to you). Essentially you are closing a door - you know there will not be another chance in all probability. Also I think your body knows in a deep level.

Think realistically about being tied to this man for 18 years. He can control where you live and can later on demand access to his child.. He may be a bad father for all you know but he will be the father your child has.

I have had two abortions and never regretted it. Only you know what is right but don't assume you will regret it.

Think clearly of the impact of having a toddler plus older teens. Or being awake all night then having two older kids to care for

IM0GEN · 12/06/2019 12:38

I agree you should stop involving him now, you need to make your own decision. It’s YOU who will live with the consequences, not him, he’s made that clear.

You only have three options here

Termination
Adoption
Keep the baby

If you choose adoption, social services will approach him for his permission. If he doesn’t give it or deal with them, they can apply to the courts to have his rights overturned. He can’t block it unless he planning to raise the child himself ( which obviously he’s not ) .

You can have the baby placed with foster careers straight from birth if that’s what you want. You can also meet the prospective adopters if you wish.

Thsi may not be the right decision for you but I’d thought I’d mention it, so you know it’s an option.

Musti · 12/06/2019 12:40

Hi OP. I think in your situation and at barely a few weeks pregnant, it will be so microscopic and a pill will take care of it. For your sake and your existing children and not to be tied to a man you don't know (even if he was lovely and wanted to keep it) I think it's better to have a termination.

I had a miscarriage and my sibling had a child on my child's due date. The first few years I remembered but now I don't think about it at all.

Original poster
Littlemermaid1 · 12/06/2019 13:29

Thanks all. I've been told that I could have a medical abortion (pills) and it would be like having a very heavy, painful period. I wouldn't see anything distressing at 6 weeks. I am thinking it through, but I agree, I dont fancy being tied to this man in any way and there seems to be an easier route.

I would be delighted to have a baby if this was a stable long term relationship, but under these circumstances I have to think very carefully about whether continuing would be really hard for years.

OP posts:
Pinkmouse6 · 12/06/2019 13:59

I think most people fail to consider the long term, they only think of the short term when they find out they’re pregnant I.e being pregnant and having a baby, not the entirety of that baby’s life.

You will be glued to this guy for the rest of your life if you keep the baby. Most people will say 18 years but actually, there will always be the odd thing that will crop up where you’ll likely need to face him (wedding, grandchildren, graduation etc). If that’s something you can face then go for it. There’s obviously a chance he will cut you off completely and have nothing to do with you but there’s every chance you’ll have to see him weekly for the next 18 years or so as well. Imagine having to factor him into your weekends, Christmases, the child’s birthdays etc. It just gets complicated and messy. I personally wouldn’t do it for your existing children’s sake as well. Imagine if, for example, you want to take a holiday and this guy refuses to let you take that child abroad (it can happen)... You will also always need to consider him if you choose to move to a different town or city.

Stop replying to his texts, block if you have to until you have made a decision.

FizzyGreenWater · 12/06/2019 14:02

OP my honest opinion - so early on, I would terminate.

He sounds awful. It's such a risk, for the rest of your life, if he turns out to be a loon (and even if he doesn't, something you could really regret - not just for you but for your existing children too).

AnnaNimmity · 12/06/2019 14:22

OP I went through a medical termination - for the first couple of years, i did feel sad on the due date, but now, 3 years later, I didn't think about it.

You'd be tied to this man for years. For ever. You don't even know him. You have no idea what kind of a father he'd be. You have no idea about his background, his relationships, his mental health, his stability. He'll be in your life - coming and going and making demands on you. His children will be in your life. Again, you don't know them. But more to the point, he and his family will be in your children's lives. Aren't there just too many uncertainties? Really? This man will be tied to you forever.

And that's apart from the other impacts on your children that I mentioned below.

My ex proved to be such a bastard, and I knew him for longer than you did. He's also proved to be the worse kind of father. Parent. Man. I'm so pleased me and my children aren't tied to him. I'm pleased for them too. They have a better mother as a result.

I'm not saying don't go ahead (and lots of people will come onto the thread saying this happened to them, and it was fine). But the risks of damage, the impact and the costs must be considered.

Pinkmouse6 · 23/06/2019 12:35

Did you make a decision in the end OP? Flowers

Hollywolly1 · 23/06/2019 19:41

I think leave him out of the equation along with his teenagers,if he comes around at some stage and wants to get involved that's up to you,anyway how about the excitement that this baby will bring to your own children and to yourself and I think it's great that you are 39yrs old and especially that you already have children you know exactly what lies ahead,fair enough the very early months are difficult but that passes very quickly.Just think about it when you have your baby in your arms are you going to regret it,I doubt that very much,if you go ahead I wish you great happiness with your bundle of joyFlowers

Hollywolly1 · 23/06/2019 21:49

This makes me really sad because he is a bully and I bet as soon as you have the abortion he will be all Mr nice nice as pie and will still want to be with you when it SUITS HIM,please do make this decision on your own because hes a TWAT

Soconfusedandlost · 23/06/2019 22:20

I really hope OP is doing OK regardless of what her decision was.

bewilderedhedgehog · 23/06/2019 22:49

Hi - I was in a very similar situation, although a little older than you. Decided to terminate the pregnancy and have never regretted it. My reasons were the impact on my existing 3 children, and also I could not see how I could give a baby the best start, with a father who would not have co-parented. There were practical issues too. Appreciate that we are all different, but the termination was straightforward (early, medical termination), and it was the right thing for everyone. All best wishes for whatever you decide to do

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