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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trying to accept my life for what it is but just can't

102 replies

Sueroberts · 07/06/2019 19:36

I will try and keep this short as I dont want to sound either ungrateful for my life, health and family but I hate myself for the way my life has turned out.

From a very early age all I wanted to do was become a vet. I love animals and this my only goal in life. I did work experience in vets, worked in the summer holidays at a dog rescue - I loved it. I put absolutely eveything into getting good A levels to get onto the uni course but fell short of the grades. I was totally devasted but resat the year.

After another 12 months of hard study I failed again. I gave up on my dream and made a rash decision and got a job with an accountancy firm where I still work today.

My younger sister is attractive, smart and clever. I have always felt i have been in her shadow. She had her sights on medical schol but at the last minute changed to become a vet. I was very pleased for her but inside totally angry, upset and jealous. She never showed any interest in this career and to this day i am sure she chose this career to spite me.

Fast forward over ten years. I am single (last ltr ended in January). I live in a flat and i am terribly lonely. My sister is married, lives in an amazing house, lovely DH and 2 lovely DC.

I said to myself if i couldnt be a vet then i would like to settle down and have a family. That didnt work out.

What has totally floored me today is my sister calling to me say she is expecting her third DC. I said how happy i was for her but she just replied saying it wasnt planned. I really struggled with this. She knows my position but seems to rub it in.

She is living the life I wanted and all I can do is watch from the outside.

My parents think she is wonderful. They never found about the drugs she did at uni, getting arrested for being drunk etc. Nothing major but she is no angel.

I feel a total failure. Her amazing news today just makes me feel so low. I hate my job and hate feeling like this. I know my problems are probably nothing compared to others but i just cant seem to move on.

OP posts:
JustWhoIAm · 07/06/2019 21:04
Sad

I have no words of advice, but I really do get the way you are feeling.

Flowers

If you don't have children or responsibilities beyond your flat, is there an opportunity to take some time away from it all for yourself?

Sometimes, a change of scenery can help readjust our perspective x

RLEOM · 07/06/2019 21:09

Just because your sister's life seems amazing, it doesn't mean it won't have its own problems.

I get that she got your dream job, and I know how much that must hurt you, but you still have a good job, better than some. How about volunteering at a local animal shelter? I know it's not the same, but you can channel your love for animals into something positive and rewarding.

As for children, why not opt for a sperm donor or see if you can find a man who wants to coparent but doesn't have a partner (there are sites for this). It was something I was considering a few years ago. I know it doesn't feel like the best option, but when you have your child, you honestly won't care about the opinion of others.

Life is what you make it. It's too short to dwell on what others have. Get a new hobby or go out and make some new friends. Enjoy living. Smile

mybeebop · 07/06/2019 21:11

How old are you OP?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/06/2019 21:14

She chose an incredibly challenging course of study and career just to spite you? Really? Somehow, I don't think so. You begrudge her having a nice home, (that she undoubtedly has worked very hard for), a happy marriage, and lovely children. How is informing you she's pregnant "rubbing it in?" If you have no interest in her life tell her to keep things to herself.

You then fuel your own fire by mentioning meaningless indiscretions she made while a uni. I'm sorry op, but you sound absolutely consumed by jealousy and insecurity. It is not your sister's fault for how your life has played out. If you want to change your life then do it. Literally nothing is stopping you but yourself.

mybeebop · 07/06/2019 21:16

I have a friend who studied hard but at the age of over 30 realised she wasn’t happy and gave up what she was going to go back to university and start from scratch. There are loads of different routes into careers these days. Go be a vet. Or go do something more fulfilling? Where in the uk are you? There are lots of animal based careers. You could do an access course. Older people without the right A levels can do an access to medicine course. I’ve got a friend who became a GP by doing that in her 30s. So many options OP. You aren’t attached, you have no responsibilities. Time to go back and get the career you want? New life, new possibilities...

CaptainDamaged · 07/06/2019 21:17

Oh love. You know it’s never too late to pursue your dream. Have you considered going back to school? You can do an Access to HE in vet science. An access course is similar to a foundation degree, it’s 1 year long and then you can go on to university. The only thing you need is gcse Maths and English and even if you don’t have them the college you choose will usually offer you a gcse course to take at the same time. I’m actually starting one in September so if you want to message me about it feel free, I can help you find one near you.

As for your love life, try not to compare to your sister. I’m sure her life isn’t as perfect as you think, if it was she wouldn’t need to rub it in your face.

Amara123 · 07/06/2019 21:17

You might feel like you have missed out but you are still as full of all the possibility you were when you were younger. It's just a matter of channelling it.
This is your life, you can make it as brilliant as it want. I think you should find a career coach/organisational psychologist to see what career you can get into, that you are more passionate about.
Life is for living, don't spend it envying your sister. She is doing her thing. Also I doubt if she could have stuck vet training if she didn't love it and have an aptitude. You need to find your niche too.

BumbleBeee69 · 07/06/2019 21:18

I put absolutely eveything into getting good A levels to get onto the uni course but fell short of the grades. I was totally devasted but resat the year. After another 12 months of hard study I failed again

this wasn't your Sisters fault OP.

I am single (last ltr ended in January)

this wasn't your Sisters fault either OP.

I said to myself if i couldnt be a vet then i would like to settle down and have a family. That didnt work out

this wasn't your Sisters fault either OP.

I'm sorry your envy is directed at your Sister but I don't think you're being entirely fair to your Sister OP. Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 07/06/2019 21:21

I’m sure her life isn’t as perfect as you think, if it was she wouldn’t need to rub it in your face.

Exactly what is the sister rubbing in her face? Excuse her for living.

MoonstoneMagic · 07/06/2019 21:21

If you are still reasonably young, make it your goal to resit your qualifications and become a vet. Don’t give up on your dream !
Whatever your sister’s motivations, don’t compare your lives. If she has try to copy your life to make you feel bad, she isn’t worth thinking about. On the other hand she may have been copying you because she has no real sense of self and looks up to you.
You need to stop this pity party and make some plans to change things. Go and travel, take up some new hobbies, change your job. Start online dating, take your qualifications again . It’s never too late.

Ginger1982 · 07/06/2019 21:25

You do seem to be projecting your perceived failures onto her.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Forget about your sister and focus on changing your life for the better.

HollowTalk · 07/06/2019 21:29

How old are you, OP? I think in your situation I'd do something that you can only do when you're single.

BumbleBeee69 · 07/06/2019 21:32

I think in your situation I'd do something that you can only do when you're single.

yes absolutely agree Flowers

Quartz2208 · 07/06/2019 21:32

This has nothing to do with your sister and everything to do with your own happiness - whatever she does or doesnt have doesnt impact on you (and is she still a vet)

You need to look at what changes and things you can do to make your life better - what job do you do there are plenty of animal jobs that are not vets (including being a veterinary nurse)

julensaor · 07/06/2019 21:33

I would reconsider chasing your dream. I was half arsed in school and my results were average. I had a 'talent' but after several years of working in it, I went back to academics and the adult wired brain achieved much, much better results. Try it again you might surprise yourself. Forget your sister, you have a whole life of exciting choices ahead of you that she may envy you for.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 07/06/2019 21:35

I'd go be a vet nurse. Lots of animal interaction & I would think better than being a vet in many ways. Also better then an office job as you're best off not sitting all day.

Your sister is just getting on living her life.

CaptainDamaged · 07/06/2019 21:37

@Aquamarine1029 if you read the OP you would see she was the one who suggested it.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/06/2019 21:43

@CaptainDamaged

I know the op suggested it but that doesn't make it true. This is the op projecting her insecurities onto her sister and blaming the sister for her own shortcomings and disappointments. There is not one shred of "evidence" which the op provided that reflects her sister is rubbing anything in her face.

Notonthestairs · 07/06/2019 21:50

I understand. But you know this isn't her fault and I guarantee her life isn't all hearts and flowers. It might look that way but that will be your own worries coming to the fore. it actually doesn't matter what she has/hasn't done.

Concentrate on what you can do for yourself - that might be saving for further study. Work out what will make you happy and work towards it. Don't dwell - or try to limit it!

Take control of what happens next for you. Your life is far from done. Plan then do. Thanks

VereeViolet · 07/06/2019 21:50

It’s to be expected that you’re feeling low. You are grieving the life you wanted, and the fact that your sister has what you wanted means that it keeps getting shoved in your face. It doesn’t matter if other people have it harder, you have a right to feel sad. That would be hard on anyone.

That said, do everything you can not to dwell on what you lack. You write as though your sister has everything and you have nothing. In reality, your sister probably has her own problems (that you might not even know). And you have a job and your own flat. You also have much more freedom than your sister.

You have time and space to spend resources on yourself and decide what you want to do next. If you don’t like your job, maybe you can think about transitioning into something else, or get a different job in the same field. If you love animals, you can volunteer your time to help them in some way. You can make new friends, and open yourself up to a possible romantic relationship if that’s what you want. Look after yourself and find fun things to do. The future can be good!

Catapultaway · 07/06/2019 21:56

Without meaning to be harsh. Get over it and get on with your life.
Your sister has nothing to do with your failings.

ConfCall · 07/06/2019 22:00

I imagine that vet science, a relentless and demanding degree, would be difficult to get though if you’d applied for it for the wrong reasons. I really don’t think she was motivated by spite OP. The chances are that as a kid she was pushed towards medicine by everyone because she was science-y (this happened a lot at my school) but her heart was never in it hence the seemingly sudden switch to vet when it came to applying to university.

And then she just got on with her life, marriage and children etc, which many people do.

Drunkenness as a student is par for the course. She’s no angel as you say but I don’t suppose she pretends to be.

Please don’t let envy consume you OP.

sugarbum · 07/06/2019 22:10

You sound very very bitter and jealous. I'm wary of people who suggest that other people are living their lives just to spite others. You need to find your own path. It might not be as a cet, but you'll never find happiness if you wallow in envy

OneMoreForExtra · 07/06/2019 22:25

People are being v tough on you OP. If you're still reading, I understand. I love my sister dearly but without derailing with detail, her life is peaking in all the points where mine troughs (husband, children, finances, home, health etc). I have to brace myself to avoid being sucked into a bad place and comparisons are the enemy - but I love her, want a good relationship with her and none of my choices or weaknesses are anything to do with anyone but me.

So - loads of empathy.

And then, when you're ready, turn your back on comparisons and decide what you, right here, right now, are going to do to own your future and your choices. No-one looking at my life would have a clue that most of it wasn't my first choice.