Trying to accept my life for what it is but just can't

[Sueroberts]

I will try and keep this short as I dont want to sound either ungrateful for my life, health and family but I hate myself for the way my life has turned out.

From a very early age all I wanted to do was become a vet. I love animals and this my only goal in life. I did work experience in vets, worked in the summer holidays at a dog rescue - I loved it. I put absolutely eveything into getting good A levels to get onto the uni course but fell short of the grades. I was totally devasted but resat the year.

After another 12 months of hard study I failed again. I gave up on my dream and made a rash decision and got a job with an accountancy firm where I still work today.

My younger sister is attractive, smart and clever. I have always felt i have been in her shadow. She had her sights on medical schol but at the last minute changed to become a vet. I was very pleased for her but inside totally angry, upset and jealous. She never showed any interest in this career and to this day i am sure she chose this career to spite me.

Fast forward over ten years. I am single (last ltr ended in January). I live in a flat and i am terribly lonely. My sister is married, lives in an amazing house, lovely DH and 2 lovely DC.

I said to myself if i couldnt be a vet then i would like to settle down and have a family. That didnt work out.

What has totally floored me today is my sister calling to me say she is expecting her third DC. I said how happy i was for her but she just replied saying it wasnt planned. I really struggled with this. She knows my position but seems to rub it in.

She is living the life I wanted and all I can do is watch from the outside.

My parents think she is wonderful. They never found about the drugs she did at uni, getting arrested for being drunk etc. Nothing major but she is no angel.

I feel a total failure. Her amazing news today just makes me feel so low. I hate my job and hate feeling like this. I know my problems are probably nothing compared to others but i just cant seem to move on.

Peoples lives peak and trough at different times.
I suggest some counselling. Don’t be so hard on yourself. We don’t always get the life we wanted or expected in so many ways. It’s what we do with the life we have that matters. That might sound trite, but it really is true.
I know people only tend to post on here n they feel desperate and at the end of their tether, I’ve done the same. But one foot in front of another and keep going. It will at some point get better. That I know

Are you sure being a vet would be as great as you imagine it to be? I get the impression there's too many vets, so it might not be as easy to make a living as one as you think. Plus I'm sure being a vet involves more recordkeeping and accounting than looking after animals.

Maybe it would be best to really focus on your own life for a while - this has nothing to do with your sister at all. It's not like there was just one spot at vet school, one man and three dc available and your sister was greedy and took them all. You could have both gone to vet school, or neither of you could have.

I'm not being mean OP because I know it's hard when you are down. But it would be terrible to lose the relationship with your sister when she hasn't done anything wrong.

You really can do whatever you want, OP.

I started university at the age of 30 and some of my brightest classmates were women in their fifties.

My present career I started in my forties.

If you were tied to that career and kids and mortgage, you probably wouldn't be able to

• go part time and retrain
• travel the world
• volunteer in a way that fulfils you
• find time for creative pursuits- write a novel, paint something
• learn to run, train for a marathon
• go out and get shitfaced whenever you like

Etc

I suggest you read Bumblebees post again OP. It isn’t your sister’s fault that you didn’t get the grades or that you chose an alternative career or that your relationship didn’t work out. Unless there’s a massive drip feed coming and she has some sort of personality disorder, you’re frankly being ridiculous to suggest she pursued and maintained a demanding and stressful career to spite you. Her choices are not about you. Sharing the news of her pregnancy is not ‘rubbing it in’. It’s just telling you (who presumably she loves) about an important event in her life. This is normal.

I suggest you look into therapy to help you deal with your anger and resentment. Then look into retraining. If you want to work with animals, you can make that happen.

Let's say she is living her life to spite you. Personally, in that situation, I'd pity her far more than you, because that must be a horrible way to live. You'd never be truly happy.

As it is, I think you're projecting a lot. It's easily done.

Could you go to a careers advisor? See what routes you could take to a job you're interested in.

It's never too late. I'm planning a career change once I'm 40, my mum changed at 50. My FIL is retired and doing a course to set up his own small business.

I had mh problems all the way through my 20s and early 30s, so I didn't make much of my life. Now I'm much better and looking forward to the future. Life can ALWAYS change.

I think you desperately need therapy. I recommend it often at the moment because i have an amazing therapist but you need to break free of the assumptions that are chaining you and IMO only time or therapy will do this. The time could be loooonnggg - I once knew sisters in their 80s who were still sniping at each other about some issues from their past, and letting them significantly affect their choices. What a waste!

I do wonder why you apparently didn't consider becoming a vet nurse as a pp said? no it's not well paid but the vet nurses I know are amazing people with lots of animals in their lives and enjoyable jobs. Good ones are in demand too.

I retrained at 39 and it was the best thing I ever did. It's not quite as easy now but the main thing is to work out what you actually want, what you can change versus what you can't, and to move on from these poisonous chains from the past.

‘Without meaning to sound harsh, get over it’. Lol.

OP your feelings are your feelings. I don’t think you posted in the hope that people would leap to your defence against your sister. It sounds as if you’re trying to make sense of your life and emotional state at the moment - not easy.

I think your priority (which is basically the premise of your OP title) is to get to a place where you can accept yourself and your life, which would help you not to compare yourself to your sister or feel as though you’ve failed at something.

Are there places you can draw strength from? Good friends, things you enjoy, things you do well? Your relationship with your nieces and nephews?

Are there any practical changes you could make to your life, even if small? A change of job or home, volunteering for an organisation, doing a course of some sort? Not magic solutions but they might help you to shift your focus a bit.

You’re allowed to feel shit sometimes, whether or not the feelings are strictly rational. Hope you can work your way through this.

Another thing: if you take a look, there's a thread on here about someone looking into becoming a vet, but EVERYONE in the industry is advising against it, saying it is a really bad career to get into at the moment.

The grass is often greener. Maybe you'd be a vet and hate it. Maybe not. But you just never know. We can never know how our life would be.

I spent a year homeless living between friends' sofas because I was so depressed that I didn't get the job I wanted and I couldn't work or do much of anything. Looking back, I would have been shit at that job and I wouldn't have enjoyed it at all.

Life is weird. You just have to embrace what you actually have and what is actually possible. That's easier said than done, it took me loads of therapy, self help books and time. But if I can get to a place where I feel ok, you definitely can too.

OP, your world has got to have shrunk down a lot if you are focusing on family resentments and still working at the stop-gap job you took after leaving school.
You need to expand your horizons and get some new ideas and insights. There are many routes to take through life and the race is not necessarily to the swift.
It’s so hard to see it when you haven’t been there but it’s really not fun parenting and working full time, and for your sister to tell you the pregnancy isn’t planned kind of implies she isn’t as happy as you might think. Maybe she actually needs some emotional support and you are too worried about your perception of your situation to see that.
Why don’t you talk to your employer about taking a sabbatical and if they would reemploy you after a year or so?
Save some cash and take a trip, then see what happens? At worst you will have something to talk about for work interviews and first dates.

I retrained in my dream job, which necessitated five years full time study, at 42.

If you think you've got what it takes, go for it.

I don't know why you didn't do zoology or another animal-related degree when you missed the grades for vet science tbh.

And I think you should talk and open up to your sister. I'd bet you anything that her job has its own pitfalls and problems. She's probably jealous of your nice, clean accountancy job and the fact that you wear a suit to work in an office!

Maybe she always wanted to be a vet but didn't admit it until the last minute for fear of upsetting you. Maybe she's envious of your carefree single life. Maybe she's terrified of the implications of a third child. You won't know unless you talk to her, and are attaching all sorts of motivations to her actions that are almost certainly not there.

Mn can be brilliant but threads like this often focus on the minutiae meaning the overall picture isn’t dealt with.

With regard to OP training as a vet now (another MN ‘thing’ - it’s never too late) - well, yes, it probably is. She didn’t get the grades first time, so she has to do that. Vetinary degrees are five years, and without wanting to sound harsh she might not get in. They are highly competitive. Seven years where she’s not earning probably isn’t really very realistic.

What is a bit concerning here OP is that once one dream was dashed you seemed to give up a bit as it were. I had grand plans when I was young (don’t we all!) but inevitably they modify and are compromised.

Everyone on MN thinks single people are living a life of glamour so I’ll ignore that. I find being single very lonely sometimes too. But I’m guessing you are around thirty. If your sister is younger then she spent her twenties pregnant, to all intents and purposes. You may find fast forward ten years and you have the three children.

My ‘dream’ job has turned out to be v stressful and I’m looking for a way out of it. I’d do some work experience to make sure you really want to be a vet before committing to study (which can be v expensive). Figure out what your priorities are, take up a hobby. Travel, if that interests you.

If I was you with no responsibilities and the world my oyster, I would travel abroad and volunteer with animals somewhere exotic. In the meantime I'd rent out my flat to cover that cost (if you own it), if you rent already it's even easier. Look at 'work away' or similar - Volunteer opportunities with accomodation (and sometimes good) provided. I think you'd find quite a few people would envy you !

continually with respect, I think people are focusing more on "it's never too late to change your life" rather than it having to be about OP doing a vet degree.

Your sister has become the repository of your dissatisfaction about yourself. Pointing the finger is a lot easier than taking responsibility and accepting that we aren’t entitled to shit.

Your sister hasn’t prevented you from achieving anything and your jealousy has probably been a hindrance to the very things you say you want. You gave up on your dream career and weren’t confident or resourceful enough to think of fulfilling alternatives. Being a vet is not the only way to work with animals.

Bitterness is corrosive and it’s toxicity seeps into all areas of your life. Your sister’s ‘successes’ didn’t rob you of a fulfilling life.

I know and in the OPs case, it isn’t too late to change her life. Of course it isn’t. But she may never be able to become a vet.

It really isn’t easy to just leave the country to volunteer abroad, but I know MN think it is. Sigh.

At the moment you probably feel low due to your relationship breaking down ,and it is easy to project all your problems to one closest to you (your sister).Look at the bigger picture though,your sister has 2 children ,now expecting again,with a large home ,and outgoings needs to work in what can be a very stressful job .Our neighbour is a vet) and for every success story of nursing an ill pet back to full health, are stories of terrible cruelty to animals,having to put down beloved pets and so on .She is likely to feel compromised and probably quite tired with a demanding job and family.Can you retrain and become a Vetinary Assistant? A levels ,and a 2 year course I think are the requirements here.You sound fairly young so possibly still have the chance to travel .She may have changed her mind at the last moment because you gave her the idea!.With something like 1 in 30 chance of getting into vetinery school I think she would have to be genuine or they would spot it a mile off!

I wouldn't give up either! I always wanted to be a children's nurse when I was in school, started health and social care in college straight after high school. I ended up dropping out due to moving out and needing to find work and never went back to study.
I've just finished my access course on Tuesday, and have a place in university to finally get my job of becoming a nurse. I'm 32 now, so it's 16 years after the last time a studied. My mother in law has also in university to become an ODP and she's 50. So it's never too late, do it!! Good luck

OP, I totally get where you're coming from and understand your feelings. At different points in my life I have been badly affected by different events: when trying for a baby, best friend gets pregnant accidentally - I was devastated! Sister had a husband who earned enough for them to live in a big house and she could be a SAhM. I had to return to work. Failed A levels and ended up in a factory. Sister held up on a pedestal when she passed her nursing exams. And many more.
Although I'm not envious by nature, these events had a significant impact on me culminating in a bit of a breakdown after a difficult time at work. I ended up seeing a counsellor for 6 sessions and it was the best thing I did. It enabled me to really question my emotions, to make decisions based on what I wanted, not on what other people were doing.
Now, I am very content with my life. I don't have the big house I yearned for, or 4 children, or thin thighs 🤣 but I do have a fab husband, 2 amazing children, good health and enough money to have a nice holiday each year. I am happy!

Haven't read the thread butthere Is a serious shortage of vets, especially with Brexit, new laws on animals coming in our out of the country. Heard it on farming today on Radio4.

"Haven't read the thread butthere Is a serious shortage of vets, especially with Brexit, new laws on animals coming in our out of the country. Heard it on farming today on Radio4."

I would be very skeptical. They might mean "a shortage of vets with highly specific skills and experience" or "a shortage of vets prepared to work for little money in remote locations" or they could just be hugely exaggerating any potential shortage to drum up business for the education sector.

The space between fantasy and reality leads to depression. You have a fantasy that if you were a vet you would be living the good life. The reality is you didn't get onto the course so accept that and move on. You are obviously a bright lady since you nearly made it so forget the vet stuff ( it's a horrible job) and focus on another career. Stop being a victim here and l mean that kindly. Start every day by being grateful for what you have.
If you find this impossible get some CBT counselling which helps you retrain and rein in your thoughts.
Make your reaction to your sisters baby be the turning point in your life. Work with animals as a volunteer and set your mind on a career away from that. One failure, if you could even call it that, does not decide your life. Being grateful in every circumstance will turn your life around. Accept for once and for all that you didn't get the vet course and MOVE ON.
You can have a good life.

I wonder whether her vet choice was simply growing up with all your enthusiasm about what a great career it would be rubbing off on her.

I don’t know much about vet studies but I know a thing or two about bring single and wanting to settle down. It’s tempting to create a life which would work around a relationship early and stick to it - but your horizons shrink and it’s easy to become lonely. Have a think about shaking up your use of time in some way - volunteering at an animal rescue for example? Essentially if you want to meet the right person you need to be moving through different circles (as well as your own friends!). Changing job is an easy way to do this, or joining a walking club, book club or volunteering. It’s not about choosing something where you’ll meet a man - more than you need to keep meeting new people.