Trying to accept my life for what it is but just can't

[Sueroberts]

I will try and keep this short as I dont want to sound either ungrateful for my life, health and family but I hate myself for the way my life has turned out.

From a very early age all I wanted to do was become a vet. I love animals and this my only goal in life. I did work experience in vets, worked in the summer holidays at a dog rescue - I loved it. I put absolutely eveything into getting good A levels to get onto the uni course but fell short of the grades. I was totally devasted but resat the year.

After another 12 months of hard study I failed again. I gave up on my dream and made a rash decision and got a job with an accountancy firm where I still work today.

My younger sister is attractive, smart and clever. I have always felt i have been in her shadow. She had her sights on medical schol but at the last minute changed to become a vet. I was very pleased for her but inside totally angry, upset and jealous. She never showed any interest in this career and to this day i am sure she chose this career to spite me.

Fast forward over ten years. I am single (last ltr ended in January). I live in a flat and i am terribly lonely. My sister is married, lives in an amazing house, lovely DH and 2 lovely DC.

I said to myself if i couldnt be a vet then i would like to settle down and have a family. That didnt work out.

What has totally floored me today is my sister calling to me say she is expecting her third DC. I said how happy i was for her but she just replied saying it wasnt planned. I really struggled with this. She knows my position but seems to rub it in.

She is living the life I wanted and all I can do is watch from the outside.

My parents think she is wonderful. They never found about the drugs she did at uni, getting arrested for being drunk etc. Nothing major but she is no angel.

I feel a total failure. Her amazing news today just makes me feel so low. I hate my job and hate feeling like this. I know my problems are probably nothing compared to others but i just cant seem to move on.

You're way too focused on comparing yourself to your sister. I understand this but i think it's time to get some counselling and break free from childhood patterns. Try Relate - they've helped me lots.

I understand how you feel to some extent. I wanted to be an actress but wasn’t very talented. My sister was very talented but it was one of her many talents and so she went down a different path. It was a bit hard hearing her get a lot of praise for something that was my dream. There have been many times in our lives when she has out shone me I suppose. We both loved tennis, but she was amazing and got a famous coach and I was just mediocre. She married a now very successful, rich (and handsome) man who is like my parents son they never had. I am in a mildly abusive relationship with someone who has never held down a job who my parents hate. She owns a mansion, whereas I live in a one bed rented flat. But somehow, I have never felt jealous of her. I love her and am proud of her but more than that, I own my happiness. I have plenty to be grateful for and I focus on the good things in my life. If you can’t find anything good about yours, start looking at how you can change it. If you want a new career, start volunteering in your spare time somewhere that will set you on a new path. Do part time courses. Make new contacts. If you want to settle down with a family, put all your efforts into finding a new partner. Put yourself out there, start to change your destiny because being bitter towards your sister is wasting your energy and not helping you be happy. No one’s life is perfect. My sister has so much but she is not happy all the time and has problems like everyone else. Am sure yours is the same. Focus on you and your life and enjoy your nieces and nephews too. If you don’t have kids for now, you can love and enjoy hers until your time comes.

I completely understand why you feel the way you do. But you can change your own life. You might not have what it takes to be a vet but you could retrain to do something that you really want to do, you could travel, you could take up new hobbies, you could meet new people. You could make your life spectacular.

Do you own your flat? If so why not rent it out and go travelling. Or change your job? Have you been to university, why not go now, vet school may accept lower grades as a mature student?

We all have crossroads in our lives I'm at one, and rather than seeing it as failure we need to see it as opportunity (as hard as it is at 3am with insomnia)

Bitterness is corrosive OP.
Take control of your life.

Go travelling OP! Fuck the flat. Fuck your sisters lifestyle. Fuck what never worked out. Get a backpack, some hareem pants and a swimsuit and go to Asia, Africa, India, South America (these places are all dirt cheap and you could travel for about £1-2,000 a month! Go and see what this amazing world has to offer!!! Meet some amazing people. Fall in love with life again. Come back with a fresh focus and fresh goals!!! SERIOUSLY IT CHANGED MY LIFE!!! GO FOR IT OP

It's horrible to feel the way you do BUT you don't have to accept your life as it is. If you want things to be different then you need to take steps to change things. Don't compare yourself to your sister - you are different people and need to seek your own successes and happiness.

I don't know what steps you need to take to become a vet qualification wise but if there's still a way in then go for it. If not then try and find volunteering opportunities to work with animals. Your passion will likely lead you to opportunities through these initiatives.

I'm in a really shit situation at the moment, totally different to your circumstances but I'm undertaking every free course I can find related to my chosen career path that leads to a recognised qualification. That's in addition to tackling all the other crappy things or stuff I'm not happy with.

If it helps make a list, prioritise the most important/urgent and tackle things one by one. Talk to your family/friends about how you feel and tell them what you plan to do - get them on board if it helps.

It sounds like such a cliche but life really is too short. Put all your energy into turning things around, it really is better than using it for negative thoughts, feelings, stress etc.

All the best

Dear OP, I too think people are being too hard on you here.

You are focussing on your sister, because she has all that you wished for yourself: it must feel as though she is living 'your life - the life you 'should' have had. It would be very hard to not feel some resentment in that situation.

I would though, suggest that you do a slight re-frame, to take your sister out of the equation completely, because I do feel that your Inner Being is screaming to you that your life now is not the life for you. So rather than looking outwards to your sister, if you could bring that focus within yourself - to what you want of your life NOW.

Do you still want to be a vet? Or to work with animals otherwise? I wouldn't even bring age into it - I'm exploring new avenues that interest me at 54, and having a 'portfolio' of jobs rather than just one is becoming increasingly common. Have a look at how you can marry up your desires and reality - for instance you may not wish to take on the long hours and long academic training to be a vet, but would prefer to work as a veterinary nurse - or there may even be apprenticeship routes into being a vet (I know they are being developed for physiotherapy) - and your sister would be able to find out the state of play on those.

Or it may be that the vet dream is not yours any longer, and something else is what your purpose on earth is.

So it's time to go in and discover yourself as you are now, and what you are now being called to do.

Good luck, OP xxx

I would be very skeptical. They might mean "a shortage of vets with highly specific skills and experience" or "a shortage of vets prepared to work for little money in remote locations" or they could just be hugely exaggerating any potential shortage to drum up business for the education sector

No definite shortage - link to prog
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0005f89

Comparison with anyone is a dark road to go down: a sibling is just one person of millions!

What can you do now to improve your situation and wellbeing?

Hello everyone.

I was so upset last night because i could not reply. I wrote the first message on my phone and now couldnt get back in.

I actually agree with most of the comments. Yes I have to say I am jealous but i have never admitted it before. I do need to let things go. I feel very insecure and the baby news made it worst and now i feel so bad for feeling i am not over the moon about her amazing news.

Going back a bit i had to work really hard doing my A levels , never going out jusr head in the books. My grades were good (ish) BBC (not the tv channel those were my grades😁) but no where near good enough for vet school. I know i shouldnt go on about it but i do still think about it all the time.

My sister went out loads during her A levels, partying, getting drunk etc and got three A's. Yes it really annoyned me but i guess she is just a lot smarter than I am.

I did look at trying a third time but its such a long course and i wouldnt be able to pay my mortgage. And that is before i could even get on the course.

I have accepted it won't happen.

I really admire people that can move on, that don't dwell on things, that make a better life when plan A has failed, i just really wish I could. I know when my last relationship ended i would start thinking about it more and i have done.

I cant bear to visit my parents this weekend as my mum will be going on and on about the new arrival. She rarerly asks how my life is going, just rams my sisters life down my throat.

Sorry i sound very self centred and ungrateful but this is the only place i can truly express how i really feel.

Have you seen the threads on here from women wondering if they can change their lives/careers in their 50s! You are still young, is there a branch of accountancy which will mean better pay so you can save for what you want?

You could become a veterinary nurse.

Do you have a parents with very different temperaments and you have inherited one whilst your DSis has the other? Is your DSis similar to your DM so DM feels even more pride as she is seeing it as her success?
I'm sure you ahve years ahead to find what you want in life, don't give up!

Yeah I get it too OP
If Have a similar thing that I just can’t get my head around and accept

A few thoughts

Can you really invest some time in to self development . You have your life ahead of you and currently no ties to bind you . The world is your oyster . Make it a priority to so some reading , exploring and volunteering

If working with animals is your dream explore ways to have that dream realised

As for your sister . You need to stop giving her mental space . However that can be done , do it . Is she generally a good sister ? Does she have your back ? Or is she caught in this twisted family dynamic too ?

I know everyone always say counselling , but investing time to think about yourself and what you want is always worthwhile

I wish you luck in following your dreams and getting out of this rut

continually I disagree that it is hard to just up and leave.

Once you have kids, maybe. Pre kids, it's pretty simple. Sure it means less stability etc but if you hate your life anyway, you have nothing to lose really.

It's actually harder. You're reliant on your one income to book the flights from, get your flat rental ready (I've done it twice, it isn't cheap) and somehow while you're volunteering abroad have to generate living expenses too.

A lot of mortgage companies charge for a home that's let out. In 2009, my mortgage doubled when I let a tenant in.

Anyway this is by-the-by - but it is a bit frustrating when people think single means loaded and without responsibilities :)

I completepy disagree, having jacked it in several times to fuck off abroad.

I never had money to worry about protecting, though, I suppose. When you have nothing, you have nothing to lose.

Then how did you live?

I worked in bars or cafes or taught English or did random oddjobs.

Sue I think it would be really great if you gave yourself some care by going to dine counselling and maybe career coaching. You are having a tough time and support would be great for you. I've been through a process like this and it changed my life, helped me refocus. Got a career I love now and met my husband because of it.

Can you work with animals abroad for a year or two?

Sorry you are feeling low ...
However you will never get anywhere near a happy place in life if you don’t take responsibility for your own actions , outcomes , failures and disappointments and work through them yourself , in relation to you ....

Blaming your sister or resenting her for no good reason is what’s stopping you in life ...

Change your attitude and own your own life ...

I think i have made myself sound terrible. I am just being honest about my feelings. Yes i am sort of comparing what my life could of been when i look at my sister with her job, dh, dc etc...

I am sure i would not feel like this if i was not single either.

In answer to some earlier responses my mother is very dominant, outspoken at times and more which i won't go into now. My dad is the opposite, easy going and calm. Yes when my sister got into vet school my mother grew about two foot. She couldnt stop telling people about 'her news'. She always like to brag about things and its dam right embarrassing. People are not bothered if their child got into a good uni, or is pregnant etc but she still can't help herself.

I am really going to try and change things. I hate feeling like this and i am very happy for my sister- its just the way she said it - not planned pregnancy like its nothing. But im sure she didn't mean it that way.

But i am keeping away from mother this weekend I am just not ready to accept her going on and on all day.

Do you fancy travelling op? If so now would be an excellent time to go. I've been lots so pm me if you want to discuss.
I get the jealousy thing but it sounds like your mum is making it worse. It is difficult. I've been the golden child, then not, and now am again. It's hard. Minimise contact for a bit, don't make a point of it, just be unwell or say a friend is having a crisis or whatever.
Do some nice things for yourself and maybe see about some careers advice or volunteering w animals?
You sound lovely, it'll all work out.

You haven’t made yourself sound terrible. STOP being so hard on yourself.
It’s tough op. It really is. And your feelings are valid. It’s hard to be happy for others when you don’t feel happy in yourself.

So that’s what you’ve got to work on. What makes you happy. What can you do for yourself to improve your life. Just take small steps.

You haven’t made yourself sound terrible at all. You’ve talked about some complex feelings which have been with you for a long time. Some of the ‘pull yourself together’ style responses are probably not very helpful, as presumably you’ll have thought of that! I also don’t think you need telling that comparing yourself to others isnt a great idea. I think you should plan some small steps (whatever that may be) towards making yourself more accepting of yourself and your life. In the first instance, this may not include jacking everything in to travel the world, but small changes can lead to bigger ones. Look after yourself.