Trying to accept my life for what it is but just can't

[Sueroberts]

I will try and keep this short as I dont want to sound either ungrateful for my life, health and family but I hate myself for the way my life has turned out.

From a very early age all I wanted to do was become a vet. I love animals and this my only goal in life. I did work experience in vets, worked in the summer holidays at a dog rescue - I loved it. I put absolutely eveything into getting good A levels to get onto the uni course but fell short of the grades. I was totally devasted but resat the year.

After another 12 months of hard study I failed again. I gave up on my dream and made a rash decision and got a job with an accountancy firm where I still work today.

My younger sister is attractive, smart and clever. I have always felt i have been in her shadow. She had her sights on medical schol but at the last minute changed to become a vet. I was very pleased for her but inside totally angry, upset and jealous. She never showed any interest in this career and to this day i am sure she chose this career to spite me.

Fast forward over ten years. I am single (last ltr ended in January). I live in a flat and i am terribly lonely. My sister is married, lives in an amazing house, lovely DH and 2 lovely DC.

I said to myself if i couldnt be a vet then i would like to settle down and have a family. That didnt work out.

What has totally floored me today is my sister calling to me say she is expecting her third DC. I said how happy i was for her but she just replied saying it wasnt planned. I really struggled with this. She knows my position but seems to rub it in.

She is living the life I wanted and all I can do is watch from the outside.

My parents think she is wonderful. They never found about the drugs she did at uni, getting arrested for being drunk etc. Nothing major but she is no angel.

I feel a total failure. Her amazing news today just makes me feel so low. I hate my job and hate feeling like this. I know my problems are probably nothing compared to others but i just cant seem to move on.

Do your parents favour your sister? If so suggest therapy about that!

Hello OP, you must be in your 30's, so plenty of life ahead and still young and fit.

I was once like you and missed out on being a vet, I was equally upset!

My advice. You only live once, do what you want to do!!! What is it?

You must decide, and then just do it. The world is out there, you can do almost anything as a mature student, even veterinary!!!

BUT I think if I was your age now and single I would travel and work abroad for a time.

Enjoy the freedom, do whatever you fancy girlie!!!

I think what your sister was probably trying to do was to get across to you that a third, unplanned pregnancy, when you thought you'd completed your family and you also have a demanding job, can be a big strain and challenge. It may well put your sister's body, marriage, job, finances through the mill. I do get that it's hard when it feels like she's getting another of the things that you want. But surely you can realise that not every pregnancy is an unalloyed blessing even if you would love to have a baby yourself, and that this pregnancy might be a very hard time for your sister.

I do think you would benefit from counselling, because I think you have badly lost perspective and become mired in some toxic thinking around all this. If you genuinely believe that your sister has chosen her entire career to spite you, and if she can't win to the extent that both her telling you she is happy and telling you she is ambivalent/unhappy about her life news is "shoving it down your throat", and if you've taken no action to find another career path you like since your teens, you are very stuck. And you would probably benefit from help getting unstuck.

You don't sound terrible at all. You sound hurt and a little bit lost.

Comparison is the thief of joy. You must find a way to live and let live when it comes to your sister. It may be that you will need to remove yourself from your familar surroundings for a while. Be kind to yourself and stop looking to the past. Return to working as a volunteer in animal rescue centres and reconnect with what once brought you joy. Who knows where it will lead? Does it have to a vet or would you also love to just work with animals? Seek help to work through these feelings, they will eat away at you, you cannot change your sister or her life. Most of all I wish you the strength to find peace in yourself.

Sounds like you possibly spend too much time with your family (all day with your DM???). Join some clubs, learn a skill, do some voluntary work, if this is the case, so your life is interesting and busy and fun leaving less time to fret.

Its not your sisters fault stop blaming her and perhaps work on yourself instead of feeling so woe is me.

Beyond a holiday to take your mind off things, I am not sure that travelling is the answer. You could burn up thousands of pounds that you could be using more constructively and you still take yourself with you, after all.

What could be helpful is spending some time with a careers adviser, someone who is used to working with adults. Or start with some self-help books on careers and finding your direction.

I had a bit of a shock recently when someone I knew from school achieved one of my own long-held ambitions. I knew his ability level from doing A-Levels together - I was the bright, brilliant and articulate student whereas he was much more of an average attainer. But, when I thought about it properly, I had to accept that he had put the time and the work into to achieving this goal. He had spent years working in relevant but low paid jobs, doing further study and actually putting in the hours to achieve his goal - whereas I had pursued a different path. My goal was still on the 'one day' board whereas he had pursued it and made it a reality.

You also do have to own the life choices you made. At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself how different would your life be if your sister wasn't around?

I also think that symbolic ceremonies can be quite powerful. Would it help to write those early ambitions on a piece of paper and burn them or destroy them in some other symbolic way. Perhaps that would help to let them go? Then you can put time and energy into identifying what you want.

My sister was a bit like this when I was prgennt. For me it wasn't what I wanted and I've struggled. I love my son and partner but my life is far far far from prefect.
Different lives bring different challengeds.
She might envy you your freedom etc.
There's lots you can do to make life more interesting or get new interests. Volunteering is a good idea with animals and you never know you might meet your prefect partner or a great friend

Op, if you want a baby then go for it.

Plenty of women go it alone using donor sperm.

As for the other stuff it sounds like it's time to distance yourself and build a life away from your family. Feeling this strength of jealousy will prevent you from every feeling happy.

It's never to late op. Fast forward ten years from now where do you want to Be? Still in the same job, flat ext. if not a vet could you train in something else animal related? It's easy on outside looking in to just see the good parts. Accept your difficult feelings towards your sister and work on yourself.

I cant bear to visit my parents this weekend as my mum will be going on and on about the new arrival. She rarerly asks how my life is going, just rams my sisters life down my throat.

Give yourself a break and don't go. Spend the time thinking about how you can improve your own life, even taking tiny steps towards changing it will start to make you feel better and there's lots of suggestions on here. Try and take the focus off your sister and putting it on to yourself and how you can narrow the gap between what you'd like your life to be and what it is.
Finally, don't forget that having your own flat, a decent education, your freedom and a good job would make you enviable to many people!

I would be interested to know your age.

Anyway, stick to accountancy, become commercial and go for good positions and use that money to fund your own small holding / animal rescue. You would be well qualified to run it as a business or charity and could combine those skills brilliantly. You would be fighting men off with a stick with donkey poops on the end.

I suggest that you go volunteer at an animal rescue. That’s actually helping animals!
While you do that do a few home study courses to get your brain going. You sound bored and lonely and that’s just shit.
Everything seems daunting and you need to make baby steps to improve things. One change at a time.
Do u actually have a pet? I suggest a cat 🐈, mines amazing company.
Sit and write a list of things you want to do and do them. Go on holiday for a few days in the country or beach.
Just make a change for yourself and stop worrying about your sister.

I like AI203's thinking here!!

Well I think OP is already qualified on both counts to succeed by combining her skill sets.

Thanks for all the replies. I'm 33 btw.

I would love a dog or cat (or both😊) but can't in my flat. That said i walk my neigbours dog at the weekend and i am always called upon to pet sit when my sister goes away which i love to do.

I should say that although i work for an accountancy firm i'm not actually an accountant, although i do most of the work my qualified accountants do but for half the money! I put up with my job, its safe and i feel content there.

I have never been very confident and the thought of renting my flat and travelling is not something i would want to do, especially on my own.

I would love to have a small holding when im older and care for a few old donkeys!

I still get low like i was last night. I still feel upset by the way my ex left me and where i am now in life is not where i want to be.

So tonight its a takeaway pizza, a bottle of red and see what happens.

I was thinking of trying online dating. What do everyone think? I have never done it before. I met my last boyfriend through a friend of a friend at a party. He sort of did all the talking and looking back it was easy - online dating seems scary.

33 is nothing I was single (divorced no kids) at 33. 35 and a half now and have a dp and baby.
Seriously go. Put yourself out there.
Online dating is OK but you need thick skin. Try speed dating, it's a hoot and at least you meet in person.

I think the first thing you should do is work towards your accountancy exams. Why would you do some of the same work for so much less money?

@Sueroberts1 I met my husband through online dating when I was 29. 7 years later we are happily married with 2 year old DS. If you're clear with what you want and choose a reputable site and take care of your personal safety there is nothing to lose!

33 really is nothing lol
I met my dh at 29 and we married at 33.

My sister seemed to have a charmed life.

Married to steady boyfriend.
3 lovely children. Great house etc.

While I lurch from one disaster to another. (Divorced, crazy relationships)

But one day she turned round and said:

'Whatever I do Robin, you just do something to upstage it .....'

Well I was floored!
Her life was perfect.

So instead of feeling envious of my sister I started to feel really pleased for her and genuinely happy for all her good fortune and successes.

It made me a better sister and a happier person.

Celebrated 21 years of marriage this year and our Son graduates on what will be his 24 Birthday:)

Definitely go for OLD.
GOod luck !

Do something about it now, OP. Because resenting your sister for living the life you want is useless. Not only is it not her fault, but you are wasting time and energy and not actually getting anywhere. You're also denying the both of you a real and supportive relationship. And eventually, out of all the regrets you have in your life, that will become the biggest one.

How old are you OP. When I was about 31 I could have been you. My sister had it all too and much as I love her it hurt. Massively.

I was stuck alone in my flat in a dead end job I hated. Then I used my free time to start a new hobby that lead me to travel and make lots of new friends. I then got brave enough to go back to college. I did go to uni first time around but did very badly and never got to go into my chosen profession, so I went and did a higher degree - mainly to prove to myself that I could do it. A year after that I did a professional qualification and started a new career at 35.

Then I met my DH by chance after I had given up on dating and relationships altogether. Then the DCs came along. It took a lot longer than I would ever have hoped or expected but it did happen eventually.

Hang in there OP!

Thanks @myfingersarenotsogreen and everyone else.

I think i need to step outside my comfort zone. I am going to try OLD and have paid for 1 months subscription so I will see what happens.

I never done OLD before. I only got a few good pictures but a lot of profiles show at least one picture all dressed up. I rarely wear dresses and the only picture i have full shot is 6,years ago. Should i use that?

I havent told my family about this, if i do meet anyone i will.

My dream would be like others who have turned their lives around and now are married with a family.

Good for you OP. No don’t use a photo that old. Put something nice on and take a selfie in front of the mirror.