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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I never would’ve thought this of my sister...

105 replies

MissKittyBeaudelais · 07/06/2019 13:05

My older sister is having an affair with a married man. It’s none of my business, I know but I’d never have imagined she could be such a mug. It’s been going on for 18 months. He says his relationship with his wife is more like brother and sister and that whilst they don’t have a married relationship in terms of sex and love, they get on well and do lots of stuff together. He and my sister worked together many years ago and they met up again and started seeing each other.

Thing is, I find it really difficult to talk to her about it, when she wants to discuss stuff or just even says “We’re doing this/that/whatever”. I just think “he’s seeing you when he can fit you in and he’s off to Spain to his holiday home with his wife”. He was leaving his wife this summer but they’ve got a few events planned and he felt he needed to not cause upheaval before those family events. Now, he says he’s can’t leave until his daughter goes to Uni in Sept which is so close to Christmas... etc etc.

I just want my sister to stop this. I haven’t told her so. I feel sorry his his wife/family and of course my sister. I’ve never met him. Sister (obviously) has never met any of his friends etc.

Should I just not say anything? WWYD?

OP posts:
Porridgeprincess · 07/06/2019 13:06

I would definitely have a frank discussion with her, although she could freeze you out as it is essentially nothing that she doesn't already know!

Bluntness100 · 07/06/2019 13:07

Your sister is single I presume?

It's her life and it's highly likely she's going to get hurt, but I doubt she will listen to you. She's going to need to find that out for herself

Original poster
MissKittyBeaudelais · 07/06/2019 13:13

Yes, she’s single. Divorced.

OP posts:
1moremum · 07/06/2019 13:32

you can't stop her. you can be there to help in the aftermath.

PeoniesarePink · 07/06/2019 13:36

Just be honest. Say you are happy that she's happy but please don't involve you in the details of it all. You can't and won't stop her, but you don't have to listen to it.

ScreamingLadySutch · 07/06/2019 13:40

Affairs are like addiction and they will not give the addiction up. You might as well talk to a wall.

My policy is to say what I think once, then mouth shut after that.

There are two qualities required to be triangle in someone else's relationship (OW)

  1. to be stupid
  2. to be available. That's it.

She is being used by this man to not deal with his issues. He has his housekeeper, childminder, administrator and property manager - and he also gets his delicious secret cake. What's to not like? Why change anything? Ain't nothing going to change. Specially when (see 1.) all it takes are a few little lies and promises of 'some day' to the stupid one and keeping the naive one in the dark believing she is part of a team.

Such a shame.

Its a real shame that she does not see that someone who lies and betrays is repulsive because he is telling her exactly who he is, and it will all end horribly.

Your sister is a thief. She doesn't think she is a thief, but she is stealing precious things off a family.

The poor wife does know something is wrong, but she doesn't know what, and she will try harder to be a better wife because she things she is the one who is failing the family.

It is such a shame.

Rainandspirit · 07/06/2019 13:52

Speaking as the “wife” don’t believe everything that he says. 18 months ?? He is having his cake and eating it !!

MaeveDidIt · 07/06/2019 14:10

"Your sister is a thief. She doesn't think she is a thief, but she is stealing precious things off a family.
^ this^
I have never heard it put so well and succinctly before.

You're sister must be quite naive (or totally up herself) as she hasn't cottoned-on by now.

The messenger always gets shot, but I would have to try and open her eyes.

Good luck OP it must be horrible for you to have to witness it from her point of view because she IS your sister and of course his poor families 😪

ConfCall · 07/06/2019 15:06

If you say something she will deny/contradict/rebuff. He’s got her where he wants her.

You’re within your rights though, to ask that she doesn’t chat about what they’re doing, because it makes you feel uncomfortable.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 07/06/2019 15:11

you can be there to help in the aftermath Umm she’s an adult shagging someone she knows is married, when it blows up in her face why the actual fuck should op be there to help her? She’s dropping her knickers because she wants too, she knows his married she just doesn’t care.

Whenever she mentions it I’d just say “I don’t want to hear about it” she will act this way of she wants but no way would I be hearing about it

Myheartbelongsto · 07/06/2019 17:56

Honestly, if this was my sister I would tell her not to be such a cunt. i'd use those exact words. I'd probably tell her she was cheaper than a prostitute, I wouldn't hold back at all.

SavingSpaces2019 · 07/06/2019 22:50

I’d never have imagined she could be such a mug
You mean you didn't know she was a skank with next to no morals or values...

FuriousVexation · 07/06/2019 23:05

I wouldn't judge too harshly. Blood is thicker than water after all, and when she finally realises he's never going to leave, she will need support.

For all those saying she's a cunt, she's been fed a line that his marriage is over and it's simply a case of waiting. She's not gone out there (reading the OP) with the aim of stealing him from his family. She's been fed a line. She's gullible - he's the cunt.

OP - It's a really difficult one because if you are openly sceptical then she may cut you off, then feel unable to come to your for support when the wheels inevitably fall off.

I think maybe go for a fairly bland "He's not spending your birthday/bank holiday/Xmas/New Year with you? Why's that then?" and then take it from there... but without being too in-your-face cynical.

in-your-face cynical is for MN threads in which you'll never meet the posters. Family and close friends need handling somewhat differently, if you really love them and want them to be happy. (Without a cheating twat attached.)

SandyY2K · 07/06/2019 23:10

I'm sure you must be very disappointed by this.

Does your sister have low self esteem that you're aware of?

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 07/06/2019 23:15

It never fails to amaze me how on these threads the woman gets absolutely panned as the morally-decrepit person.

No. That'll be the married person. Save your vitriol for them.

Your sister had made a fairly catastrophic mistake and she is going to pay heavily for it, emotionally.

If you really love her, help her work out why she settled for crumbs, and was attracted to someone she thinks she has to win over (pick me!).

She needs your love and understanding, and probably not your advice (as sound as it may be).

Ginger1982 · 07/06/2019 23:18

Nah, you knowingly sleep with a married man you're as bad as he is.

1moremum · 07/06/2019 23:31

you can be there to help in the aftermath Umm she’s an adult shagging someone she knows is married, when it blows up in her face why the actual fuck should op be there to help her? She’s dropping her knickers because she wants too, she knows his married she just doesn’t care.

because supporting family when they stop the actual making of mistakes and move on is something people do.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 07/06/2019 23:50

It's not a good choice, having a liaison with someone else's partner, but the married person is not always honest @ginger1982 and it is the married person who made the fidelity deal.

But on mumsnet everything is blackest of black and whitest of white when it comes to affairs.....

Kaddm · 07/06/2019 23:53

The married person here isn’t the OPs sister. So he is irrelevant for this thread. OP can only concern herself with her sister. I think OP that you should perhaps use a phrase a poster used above to describe the situation to your sister: she’s a thief stealing precious things off a family

Then direct her to the relationships board on here where you can read the posts from betrayed women and see how horrific the pain and consequences are.

I wonder whether your sister is just naive rather than morally bankrupt.

TooManyPuppies · 08/06/2019 00:24

Cheating is never ok IMO and I'd have to say something.
Sure she's not the one in a relationship cheating on her partner. But she did get herself into a relationship with someone she knew was married and unavailable. To me that is almost as bad and she has some responsibility in it.

Would be different if she found out later he was unavailable and had lied to her, but she knew and still participated. So I'd have to say something if she took it wrong then she took it wrong. I don't associate myself with people who do this sort of thing and I'd probably be more lenient to a sibling where I wouldn't exactly cut them off but if they took my issues with their behaviour badly and stopped speaking to me then so be it. She's doing the wrong thing.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 08/06/2019 00:31

People who do this sort of thing are not necessarily morally bankrupt. But all of them (save the ones who just want a quick shag) have seriously low standards for their own happiness, and poor self-worth. This is why the OP's sister needs a hug and some help.

Mensie12 · 08/06/2019 00:58

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SonataDentata · 08/06/2019 01:12

Please try to support her, while letting her know that you don’t approve and think she deserves better. She probably already feels like shit and doesn’t need anyone else giving her a hard time.

Ginger1982 · 08/06/2019 09:11

@Youwantshoesinashoeshop sorry but she clearly knows he is married so I have no sympathy for her.

Ginger1982 · 08/06/2019 09:13

@Mensie12 I feel so sorry for your husband and his wife. Not quite sure what you expect to get from posting.