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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I never would’ve thought this of my sister...

105 replies

MissKittyBeaudelais · 07/06/2019 13:05

My older sister is having an affair with a married man. It’s none of my business, I know but I’d never have imagined she could be such a mug. It’s been going on for 18 months. He says his relationship with his wife is more like brother and sister and that whilst they don’t have a married relationship in terms of sex and love, they get on well and do lots of stuff together. He and my sister worked together many years ago and they met up again and started seeing each other.

Thing is, I find it really difficult to talk to her about it, when she wants to discuss stuff or just even says “We’re doing this/that/whatever”. I just think “he’s seeing you when he can fit you in and he’s off to Spain to his holiday home with his wife”. He was leaving his wife this summer but they’ve got a few events planned and he felt he needed to not cause upheaval before those family events. Now, he says he’s can’t leave until his daughter goes to Uni in Sept which is so close to Christmas... etc etc.

I just want my sister to stop this. I haven’t told her so. I feel sorry his his wife/family and of course my sister. I’ve never met him. Sister (obviously) has never met any of his friends etc.

Should I just not say anything? WWYD?

OP posts:
TooManyPuppies · 08/06/2019 09:59

I feel so sorry for your husband and his wife. Not quite sure what you expect to get from posting.

Agree. I don't get people who do this at all. They are the lowest scum on the planet. But to bother taking time to come online to explain it all... A whole new level of trash...

I feel sorry for the innocent parties involved. You should be ashamed Mensie.... Absolutely ashamed of your behaviour. And you deserve anything that comes from the other parties finding out. I hope for their sake they do and you end up alone and bitter from the mess you created.

How embarrassing to be in such a situation. I am thankful I've never felt the need to be an asshole.

Mensie12 · 08/06/2019 12:27

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AnneLovesGilbert · 08/06/2019 12:38

I didn't choose to start a relationship with this guy. It just happened.

Your top notch education and amazing career haven’t given you much sense of autonomy or responsibility.

How are you so sure you won’t end up alone?

Mensie12 · 08/06/2019 12:47

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Ginger1982 · 08/06/2019 13:06

You actually absolutely did choose to start a relationship with him, despite knowing you were both married. You could have not acted upon your feelings. You could have taken a look at yourself and thought 'ok, what do I think this guy is going to give me that my husband isn't?' Then you could have either tried to work on your marriage or walked away from it. Instead, you chose to jump into another man's bed, potentially hurting a lot of innocent people.

Mensie12 · 08/06/2019 14:02

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Ginger1982 · 08/06/2019 14:31

God you're deluded. I'm not going to feed your nonsense any more.

Guest8989 · 08/06/2019 14:36

Mensie maybe not now, but you’ll be instrumental to the break up of a family
You’re delusional

Chucklecheeks1 · 08/06/2019 14:37

Mensie you should have a chat with our kids about how their dad's affair has affected them.

Three years on he is still of the opinion it only affected him and everyone should be happy like him.

Our kids think differently Sad

I cant decide if its blind ignorance and self protection as he wouldn't be able to cope with the reality of the fallout.

Chucklecheeks1 · 08/06/2019 14:38

Ignorance or self protection*

seahorse85 · 08/06/2019 14:45

@Mensie12

Many people on here are highly educated. Probably more so than you.

It's irrelevant. Your post is nothing but a brag.

That's not awfully bright on a forum for people who have had their lives torn apart.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 08/06/2019 15:43

@Mensie12
So you don't think you're scum and you state you're highly educated!??
Well FFS it's know not no.

Robin2323 · 08/06/2019 16:14

So you're not hurting anyone including the Kids and neither would leave your partners for each other , but if it did come out nether of you would drop each other ?
I would suggest his wife DOES know and turning a blind eye.
Or spending his money to punish him. Either way she in pain.
And also if your husband paid you enough attention you wouldn't need om.
I always wonder with adulteres that if they were so good how come they couldn't make their marriages work ?
It seems they take the easy way out rather than working on their relationship.
OP as hard as it is all you can do is be there when it all falls apart and maybe encourage her to get a bit of therapy to work on her self a esteem.
No one needs to be second best. Good luck x

Kaddm · 08/06/2019 16:34

Mensie, you might think you are not hurting anyone, but you are. It’s because he is investing emotional energy with you that he could instead invest in his marriage. Therefore, the marriage is not being nurtured and nourished to the best of his ability. He is giving less to his family than he could.

Also your husband and his wife are living their lives without full information re their marriages. They are making choices whilst the wool is pulled over their eyes. It isn’t OK. How would you like someone to have their claws into your life like this?

Mensie12 · 08/06/2019 17:27

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FuriousVexation · 08/06/2019 17:35

12:27 "I didn't choose to start a relationship with this guy. It just happened."

12:47 "I decided to do it."

Well, which is it?

(Hint: human interactions don't "just happen". They're not subject to the laws of physics. Particle interactions "just happen". Predators chasing prey "just happens". Deciding to knock boots with your married co-worker? Nah.)

Ginger1982 · 08/06/2019 17:45

Don't feed the troll peeps. She's honestly not worth our condemnation.

Mensie12 · 08/06/2019 17:55

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Ginger1982 · 08/06/2019 17:58

Thought I heard something there...

Must have been mistaken.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 08/06/2019 18:02

For a well educated person , your spelling and punctuation is terrible.

FuriousVexation · 08/06/2019 18:04

"No-one has the right to judge anyone."

What a load of crap. Of course we do. Exercising our judgement is something we do every day.
Juries
Interview panels
Exam markers
Teachers
Motorists
Customers

We judge people every day, love. If you don't want to be judged badly for the decisions you've made to enter an adulterous relationship, then either stop doing it, or stop posting smugly about it on forums and then whining about how nobody understands your luurrrrrrvvvve.

seahorse85 · 08/06/2019 18:04

No-one has the right to judge anyone. None of us are perfect.

We all have the right. And we all are doing.

Soz

Chucklecheeks1 · 08/06/2019 18:05

I dont judge you Mensie. I pity your naivety and ignorance of the damage you are doing to your children. But hey, you're happy and that seems to be all that matters to you

Mensie12 · 08/06/2019 18:08

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Ginger1982 · 08/06/2019 18:09

So deluded it's actually hilarious!! 😂

Byeeeee!!!!