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Original poster

I never would’ve thought this of my sister...

105 replies

MissKittyBeaudelais · 07/06/2019 13:05

My older sister is having an affair with a married man. It’s none of my business, I know but I’d never have imagined she could be such a mug. It’s been going on for 18 months. He says his relationship with his wife is more like brother and sister and that whilst they don’t have a married relationship in terms of sex and love, they get on well and do lots of stuff together. He and my sister worked together many years ago and they met up again and started seeing each other.

Thing is, I find it really difficult to talk to her about it, when she wants to discuss stuff or just even says “We’re doing this/that/whatever”. I just think “he’s seeing you when he can fit you in and he’s off to Spain to his holiday home with his wife”. He was leaving his wife this summer but they’ve got a few events planned and he felt he needed to not cause upheaval before those family events. Now, he says he’s can’t leave until his daughter goes to Uni in Sept which is so close to Christmas... etc etc.

I just want my sister to stop this. I haven’t told her so. I feel sorry his his wife/family and of course my sister. I’ve never met him. Sister (obviously) has never met any of his friends etc.

Should I just not say anything? WWYD?

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 08/06/2019 19:54

*@Mensie12 *
I don't have any remorse for his wife only envy that she gets to have him every night.
This is from your first post yet, you say you don't want him to leave his wife, but 'envy she gets to have him every night '
Which is it ?
If this is even real.

Mensie12 · 08/06/2019 19:56

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Robin2323 · 08/06/2019 19:59

@Boysey45
That's is awful.
Many years ago before I was born in our sleepy little village a similar thing happened.

A woman started parading her 'new' man about after splitting with her partner of 6 years.

The ex shot her dead.

Don't ever underestimate the pain of adultery.
It has been compared to temporary insanity.

Caucho · 08/06/2019 20:07

Well why don’t you grow the balls, or whatever the female equivalent is, to tell your husband what you’re doing and leave? Same for the man you’re having an affair with.

I do think you’re morally deficient actually but that’s due to you saying you feel no shame or guilt with regard to what you’re doing.

If you’re both ‘successful professionals’ then you don’t have the metaphorical ball and chain attached and whilst there will be financial hit you won’t be destitute either.

Man / woman up, get divorced and start afresh being honest. I’m a cynic and don’t believe anything what this bloke tells you though. If you’re in lurve I bet he isn’t and playing you which you’d find out if the shit ever hit the fan

Caucho · 08/06/2019 20:11

And four years means jack shit. Just means he’s had four years of hot illicit sex on tap. What’s not to like about that from a blokes perspective?

Mensie12 · 08/06/2019 20:12

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Robin2323 · 08/06/2019 20:14

I don't want him full time, it's envy because when I get into bed I'm on my own the majority of the time.
Sadly, I think you're made your own point .........
It doesn't get any better.

Ginger1982 · 08/06/2019 20:16

@Mensie12 your post 23 mins ago when you said you were in very deep made me pause and feel a bit sorry for you as opposed to just thinking about his wife and your husband, but the slightly smug element of your earlier posts and the last one unfortunately just make me rethink that, which is a shame.

Boysey45 · 08/06/2019 20:16

Well of course he does because its free sex. If you stopped having sex with him and said you wanted support over XYZ issue or wanted to just talk about things instead he'd soon get rid of you.
Try it and see.

anothernotherone · 08/06/2019 20:19

Mensie12 do you think your partner will leave you when he finds out?

A friend of mine found out her husband was having an affair with a married woman. She kicked him out and told the other woman's husband. Other woman's husband eventually forgave her on condition she cut all contact, which included resignation from her job. Other woman ended the affair and all contact.

Friend's husband begged her to similarly forgive him but she wasn't interested. Her ex lives with his very elderly mum now, sees the children EOW. Friend actually remarried, though she was the faithful one.

A friend of my mother's had an affair with a married man for over 40 years. When he died his wife made contact for the first time, with a short handwritten note informing her that she would be in no way welcome anywhere near the funeral, any family members or the grave, ever.

Mensie12 · 08/06/2019 20:20

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Caucho · 08/06/2019 20:21

I’m not surprised he goes along with it. What a gig he’s got. He just gets to fuck and doesn’t have to make any promises! That’s true lad territory and probably brags about it to his mates.

I’m not as judgmental as some people when it comes to cheating in terms of that making the person the devil incarnate. Humans are fallible. But I was entirely complexed when you more or less said you don’t feel bad about it or think you’ve done anything wrong even though your husband is delightful. I’d understand it if there was an element of well my husbands a bastard so fuck him but you’ve said that’s not the case. Your mindset is psychopath territory

Caucho · 08/06/2019 20:23

Perplexed rather than complexed doh. But think you’re a very strange person in terms of how your mind works

over50andfab · 08/06/2019 20:26

Someone with no conscience and feels no remorse = a psychopath. Fo the vast majority of us it doesn’t mean it’s ok to act as they do even if they might think so. As for not causing hurt - so it’s ok as long as the OHs are oblivious? But what if they knew? What might be the outcome and would there be any hurt then...perhaps the 6 DC?

OP perhaps just be there for your sister atm. I had a crap marriage and always planned to leave when my DC went to uni - I think it’s as good as time as any and certainly not when they’re doing A Levels. I think start planting the seeds in your DSIS’s head now re does she really think he is serious about leaving his DW if he procrastinates past there.

Ivy44 · 08/06/2019 20:35

I was cheated on when I was younger. It was for the last 6 months of our relationship, until I found out and dumped him.

I save my hatred (indifference now) for him, he was the one who had committed to me, lived with me, lied to me, gaslighted me - made me think I was mental when I asked him anything (as I had my suspicions). She dumped him 3 months after me and him split, turns out she didn’t want the pressure of a full time boyfriend (or she was a better judge of character than me and realised he was a manipulative coward sooner than I did). He’s been single for 5 years now. Karma. I’ve been with my much better, in every way DP for 5 years.

You are within your rights to ask your sister not to talk about the affair to you, as it makes you uncomfortable. I have a friend with quite extreme political views - we don’t discuss politics. Whilst you disagree with her actions, she is still your sister. This isn’t going to end well, so be there to support her.

Caucho · 08/06/2019 20:38

Definite psychopathic traits. You can’t diagnose people on the internet but I’m not being dramatic as there is spectrum. Saying this isn’t the same as saying someone is capable of being a serial killer or axe murderer. Many successful business people have some of the characteristics to as it can be helpful. There is a lot of truth in nice people finish last.

The other person who said stop having sex and see how nice and supportive he is made a good point. Mensie is either delusional so just not a very nice person

Caucho · 08/06/2019 20:47

Sorry to derail the original thread about the sister cheating though. The response from Mensie was just too much for people not to so blame her

over50andfab · 08/06/2019 20:49

@Caucho thank you - you are correct and I wasn’t attempting to give a diagnosis - that would be very wrong so apologies if it came across as such. Actually I meant to write sociopathic traits, and lack of empathy or caring that certain actions might have on those around you.

Mensie12 · 08/06/2019 20:52

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TooManyPuppies · 08/06/2019 21:15

Doesn't matter what excuses you give Mensie. You are a person who lacks morals and both of you should do the right thing by your partners.

If someone knowingly does something wrong and continues then yes, I will judge and not feel bad for it. You are both scum and every reply you give just confirms that. What a selfish life to live and you seem more than proud doing so. Eventually it will catch up with you and I hope you get more than you deserve.

I feel sorry for the kids involved having a role model like you who thinks this is ok because you didn't mean for it to happen. Very immature view.

Absolutely disgusting excuse for a human. There are no words to accurately describe what a horrible person you are and worse still, you think this is all OK!!!???? Unbelievable.

TooManyPuppies · 08/06/2019 21:18

what qualifies you to come on here and diagnose someone like that

Probably the same reason you treat the people in your life the way you do then come online for a jolly good brag.

If you are going to do something like you are then come boast about it and back it up with ridiculous reasons on a public forum then people will judge. If you don't want to be judged, don't admit you're a trash bag. Simple.

TitsInAbsentia · 08/06/2019 21:31

Ah OP it's crap when this happens, we're expected to nod and smile in the right places and then when it all goes tits up comfort them despite the fact we feel they were wrong to have this relationship anyway (and we could have told them the moving goalposts were only the inevitable delay of the fact he would never leave his wife). You don't have to like it, maybe encourage her to try and meet other people, just hope she'll snap out of it at some point and not turn in to someone like that other person who is posting here!

JonSnowsFurCoat · 08/06/2019 21:32

Why have Mensies comments been deleted

WeShouldBeFriends · 08/06/2019 21:34

Oh Mensie12, you fool Grin
If only you were clever enough to stick to some simple guidelines, I think your posts would be fairly entertaining!

Ginger1982 · 08/06/2019 21:36

Must have been a troll after all!