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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Overreacting to feel unsafe?

130 replies

TryingToLearn · 07/06/2019 08:19

NC and can't talk to friends about this.

Bf has a terrible relationship with ex, who took their child to a different country. Bf spoke with ex's fiancé last night after being denied speaking to the child (as per a court order)...bf threatened fiancé. He told him he's going to cut him with a rusty knife, that they should meet early and called him all the names under the sun.
Bf then told me he's going to cut in places people can see, that he'll be unrecognisable and said some other things in relation to what would happen to this guy.

Bf told me he had some violent history, but I wasn't sure whether it was true, he's never hit me.

Am I overreacting feeling apprehensive about this? I know it is wrong to threaten someone, although bf is incredibly angry and in utter despair over situation with ex and their child, however is there ever an excuse to do such things?

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 08/06/2019 13:28

I would trust the intuition you've been ignoring to date.

Not reasonable behaviour quite scary/sinister.

DoctorDread · 08/06/2019 14:19

OP he's following a very predictable pattern. He's trying to find the approach that will make you crack. Ignore ignore ignore

ptumbi · 08/06/2019 15:12

It's the Script. It is wholly predictable - and I will bet my house he will be abusive and threatening within the day.

I'd seriously think about going away for a bit. And how is he contacting you? Block on everything.

Original poster
TryingToLearn · 08/06/2019 18:17

He is still blocked, although his text messages are landing in the blocked folder so I can see them. I haven't answered the phone.

OP posts:
DoctorDread · 08/06/2019 19:53

Well done OP. It's hard and if you see the messages it can really fuck with your head. Please listen to all the good advice you e had so far. HE IS BAD NEWS

motherofcats81 · 08/06/2019 20:36

Don't look at the blocked folder OP - surely you don't have to see that!

Original poster
TryingToLearn · 09/06/2019 21:18

Feeling a bit rocky. He's phoning less today, but is pleasing to say goodbye to me, but I know if I let him he will try and excuse his behaviour.

Why? Why would he lie about things like that? Other things have happened in this relationship, things that a lot, probably most, people would have meant leaving a long time ago. But lying over this to me, feels awful, possibly because it was directed at someone els and not just me...and because what else is he lying about. I couldn't look at him in the same way.

OP posts:
motherofcats81 · 09/06/2019 21:57

OP how are these calls coming through to you if he is blocked? Have you blocked him or are you struggling with that?

You don't actually know that he has lied about it - he may well have been telling you the truth and now after your reaction he's just making out he made it up. But, let's say he did lie (he has one way or the other ultimately).

It is impossible to understand why people like this lie as they do. You will drive yourself mad trying to figure it out. If you don't think like this (which few people do) then accepting that some people do is very hard, and that is why those of us who end up in relationships like this tend to justify/ give the benefit of the doubt.

Some people are just like that and there is no changing it.

Original poster
TryingToLearn · 09/06/2019 22:15

He's phoning on withheld number. You're right, I'll just drive myself mad, I guess there isn't much point in trying to dissect it.

OP posts:
Zucker · 09/06/2019 22:42

He's pleading to say goodbye? I'd be worried he's planning a bit more than a goodbye for you.

Block and don't look back.

ptumbi · 10/06/2019 11:17

Like Zucker, I'd be a bit wary of meeting him for any reason!. he has nothing to lose now, and now is the most dangerous time for you.

DON'T meet him. He can say goodbye in a letter, or in one of the numerous ways he seems to be still contacting you. (Change your number?)

There is NO dissecting it. You don't need an excuse to leave him and end it. You will never understand him, and there is no point in trying. Move on. Leave him well behind.

Whatisthisfuckery · 10/06/2019 11:42

OP he doesn’t need to say good bye. If he wanted to do that he would have.

He keeps pushing at your boundaries. You say it’s over so he begs; you block his number so he uses a different one; he even drives an hour to follow you. That last one would scare me, especially given his violent history.

Please keep him blocked and don’t answer calls from any unknown or withheld numbers. Anybody who wants to speak to you can leave a message. You really need to keep your no firm and not allow him any chances to get under your skin. He clearly has no respect for your wishes, he’s already proved that, so communicating with him further will just result in more boundary pushing.

He will not die from you finishing with him, he is still very much alive and he will remain very much alive.

Please keep a note of his trying to make contact and tell the police if he continues. He is getting into harassment teratory, and he might be adding that to his list of convictions if he’s not careful.

Stay vigilant and stay safe. Surround yourself with as much support as you can get and involve the police if he carries on. Good luck OP, and stay strong.

StVincent · 10/06/2019 20:04

This is just more typical bullshit from someone like this - they will use any excuse - literally any - to get you to listen to them. That’s because they know they have an ability to talk people into doing what they want, if they just get them to listen. It’s like that Greek myth with the sirens singing to tempt sailors into drowning - they had to block their ears to stay safe.

motherofcats81 · 10/06/2019 20:07

I agree. I think if you listen to him he will wear you down. You need to stop picking up the phone to unknown numbers and if you have to and it's him just put it down. He has as PP said pushed through every boundary. He doesn't care what you want OP, sorry to say.

DoctorDread · 10/06/2019 22:50

My ex did this last year. I inadvertently picked up to an unknown caller and it was him. It paralysed me. It was awful. I'm still struggling with the after effects now and I suspect I will for a long time. (Along with another abusive ex, an abusive stepfather and an unfeeling cold fish of an ex husband)

Don't answer the calls. Don't give in.

Don't do it to yourself.

Original poster
TryingToLearn · 11/06/2019 07:45

Morning. I nearly gave in last night, but I didn't, I haven't answered any phone calls.

He sent emails to my work email yesterday but I just deleted them. He said he's ill, he's shaking, he's crying, he put money in my account, he wants to talk but not about anything that's happened. Mostly I think (as he's said it a few times) he wants us to leave on a positive note, he thinks he deserves better, he thinks I lied to him about loving him because if I love him I couldn't treat him this way.

His messages are still going to the blocked folder. I did message him yesterday to say that I hope he's okay (because I do hope that, it's really tough reading messages from someone you care about saying how ill they are and how much they're hurting and me being the cause of that). I also messaged him to tell him he's forfeit his right to leave things on a positive note and that I didn't want to talk earlier in th day yesterday after the work emails.

OP posts:
Original poster
TryingToLearn · 11/06/2019 07:47

Thank you all so much, it's helping me read these.

OP posts:
Adsy1988 · 11/06/2019 08:27

Classic gaslighting. HE deserves better, HE’S been lied to. Utter bullshit, glad you’re sticking to your guns.

Fucksandflowers · 11/06/2019 08:43

Why did you message him?!?!
You shouldn’t have done that.

He will take that now as a sign that you are weak and if he keeps trying harder you will ultimately break then you’ll never get away and your life will be an absolute misery with him controlling and abusing you.

Do not send any more messages.
No contact whatsoever.

Don’t be surprised if he then escalates by turning up at your house or work.
In which case the police would be a good idea.

SparklyMagpie · 11/06/2019 08:53

Right well you've set yourself up now for messaging him.

You do realise that despite you ignoring everything, for you to then message to say you Hope he's ok, that's just now going to bump it up a notch as he's had contact.

Good luck

SparklyMagpie · 11/06/2019 08:55

"I also messaged him to tell him he's forfeit his right to leave things on a positive note and that I didn't want to talk earlier in th day yesterday after the work emails"

And also this absolutely screams to me and looks like you're just saying you didnt want to speak to him then and comes across that it just wasn't the right time to talk to eachother.

Big mistake sending that, he's just going to try even harder now

Original poster
TryingToLearn · 11/06/2019 09:16

You're right, I moved my boundary, and I hadn't thought of it in that way, I just felt guilty. I'm not going to send anymore reassurance/I'm not talking texts.

OP posts:
StVincent · 11/06/2019 10:07

It’s really difficult when one person is operating in good faith and the other is just lying. you believe him but it’s not the truth – it’s just something he thinks will work on you . 🙁

StVincent · 11/06/2019 10:08

Do you maybe need more RL support or distraction? How’s everything aside from him?

DoctorDread · 11/06/2019 10:22

The guilt is overwhelming but you need to ignore it op. It serves no one.

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