Overreacting to feel unsafe?

[TryingToLearn]

NC and can't talk to friends about this.

Bf has a terrible relationship with ex, who took their child to a different country. Bf spoke with ex's fiancé last night after being denied speaking to the child (as per a court order)...bf threatened fiancé. He told him he's going to cut him with a rusty knife, that they should meet early and called him all the names under the sun.
Bf then told me he's going to cut in places people can see, that he'll be unrecognisable and said some other things in relation to what would happen to this guy.

Bf told me he had some violent history, but I wasn't sure whether it was true, he's never hit me.

Am I overreacting feeling apprehensive about this? I know it is wrong to threaten someone, although bf is incredibly angry and in utter despair over situation with ex and their child, however is there ever an excuse to do such things?

Text him then bloke him !

You know he is going to make horrible threats to you don’t you?

I think you need a plan for ending it. A casual text will not do it.

He lives an hour away. I can phone / text and calmly explain that after last night I don't feel I want to continue in the relationship? I need to do it very soon, I'm starting to feel sorry for him.

Do it now! Be firm. Be decisive. Leave no room for any opening of the door. And then make sure you are safe. X

You know why you e withheld that info OP? Because when you read it in black and whit, you realise how awful it sounds? How batshit and abusive it sounds?
And just because others have had it worse doesn't mean your situation is ok. You know this is wrong. He's done a proper number on you.

I've just spoken to WA. She said to do it in whatever way I feel is safest. And also mentioned that when people are coerced, they often feel like they lack choice, which I have felt for a long time, as though I have no choice.

I sent the text...and he's replied telling me he was joking

Send him one saying you weren't joking and block him - don't get involved in a conversation where he gaslights the shit out of you and you are back here in 3 months with the same issues x

Was the exs fiance laughing?

Was he laughing? A genuine happy laugh.

That's not banter or a joke. Its threats to kill.

“I’m not. Our relationship is over.”

He's tried phoning, I'll block him. I've phoned WA again, I couldn't believe it. He's now saying he didn't threaten her fiancé, he made it up. Why would he lie to me?.

It doesn't matter if he made it up or not. He already has a history of violence, that should be enough for you to want to protect yourself. Don't tie yourself in knots trying to understand him--the important thing is not to get reeled back in. Block him and keep talking to WA and others who will help you get perspective on him.

I know what you mean about Freedom Programme, it's easy to feel that because one guy didn't do the absolute worst to us, that we have no right to complain and shouldn't be there. But ANY abuse is too much. And any abuse/coercion can brainwash you so that it's very difficult to leave. You have every right to take part in the programme to help yourself stay safe.

One more thing. Don't beat yourself up for being stupid about being with him in the first place. Loads of us have been there before. Abusers are very good at finding those who will be vulnerable to them because of our own pasts, and because we are really kind caring people who forgive them over and over again.

The important thing is learning to recognize this and taking care of yourself NOW. Don't feel embarrassed about what you did before.

You can do this.

I've blocked him, although he's messaged and and voice messages of him crying, telling me he's dying .

He's gaslighting you. No wonder you felt you've had no choice.

He will beg and plead and then get nasty I’m afraid. You need to be firm and do not engage in any discussions with him.

I've now blocked all contacts. Apparently he's the good person I know he is, he's so sorry, he loves me so much, he just wanted us to have fun this weekend...then it's...if I'm telling the truth (about threats) it's bad and if I'm lying it's bad, I can't win.

What a think to lie about. It's not me preventing contact, I've been there through it all. Why would he lie to me about all this.

Oh yeah, they always do the crying and the suicide threats and the "I can't live without you" stuff. Keep reminding yourself that it's all crap.

Well done on the blocking, OP.

I don't think you can die from being an abusive asshole!?
Well done OP.
I fear you will get hoovered back in.
But we are always here for you.

Thank you so much.
I'm going to go to the cinema alone tonight and try to forget for a while. I can't believe he lied about that.

Stay strong - you're doing the right thing. And even if he was lying - that almost makes it worse because why the hell would he tell you he did something like that?

OP this is all textbook stuff. He’s not dying, don’t worry.He’ll be fine enough to start threatening you soon I bet. Please be vigilant. Do not unblock and don’t answer the door to him.

Is there anyone you can ask for support? Can a friend come round and spend some time with you or something?

You’re absolutely doing the right thing, so please don’t waver. Please be careful and stay safe, and don’t have any contact whatsoever. If he comes near you or to your house call the police. Tell them he’s got a history of violence and that you have children. He’ll probably forget about you soon enough but you need to stay strong and keep safe in the mean time.

Good luck. You really don’t need violent unhinged men in your life, and neither do your children.

OP well done.

If you do start to feel guilty, just remember you won't die from guilt, and also guilt isnt a sign that you made the wrong choice. It's just a sign that you're setting a boundary that you wouldn't usually set. It's your brain protesting against you changing the way you handle this kind of thing

WA have phoned the police and put a marker on my house, but I'm sure it won't come to that.
He's just sent a big long email, more of the same, and he tips on the edge of blaming me.

The lying does feel more insidious in a way...twenty minutes of lying about it, not just a throw away comment, twenty minutes.