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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Overreacting to feel unsafe?

130 replies

TryingToLearn · 07/06/2019 08:19

NC and can't talk to friends about this.

Bf has a terrible relationship with ex, who took their child to a different country. Bf spoke with ex's fiancé last night after being denied speaking to the child (as per a court order)...bf threatened fiancé. He told him he's going to cut him with a rusty knife, that they should meet early and called him all the names under the sun.
Bf then told me he's going to cut in places people can see, that he'll be unrecognisable and said some other things in relation to what would happen to this guy.

Bf told me he had some violent history, but I wasn't sure whether it was true, he's never hit me.

Am I overreacting feeling apprehensive about this? I know it is wrong to threaten someone, although bf is incredibly angry and in utter despair over situation with ex and their child, however is there ever an excuse to do such things?

OP posts:
Karigan195 · 07/06/2019 09:21

I’ve been with someone like this. Was with him for about 6 years when suddenly that kind of stuff started to be turned on me instead. Angry threats, few hits to a wall or door, couple of throwing things. Didn’t leave as we had a kid together and he never hit me.....until he did. He was an ex pretty damn quickly after that.

Your choice but I wouldn’t stick around with an angry man who likes to make physical threats again ever!

saraclara · 07/06/2019 09:21

Football gang AND vigilante stuff? He sounds awful. Run now. And fast. What you heard from him yesterday was the real him.

XXVaginaAndAUterus · 07/06/2019 09:24

He told him he's going to cut him with a rusty knife, that they should meet early and called him all the names under the sun.
Bf then told me he's going to cut in places people can see, that he'll be unrecognisable and said some other things in relation to what would happen to this guy.

Bf told me he had some violent history, but I wasn't sure whether it was true, he's never hit me

Shouty caps because this needs it,

HE HAS LITERALLY TOLD YOU THAT HE THREATENED AND INTENDS TO CARRY OUT A VIOLENT KNIFE ATTACK.

HE HAS TOLD YOU THAT HE IS CAPABLE OF AND HAS BEEN VIOLENT IN THE PAST.

YOU ARE WITH HIM IN SPITE OF YOUR INSTINCTS.

WHY, OH WHY IS YOUR BASELINE SO LOW THAT "HE HASN'T HIT ME (YET)" IS YOUR MAIN DEFENSE THAT HE ISN'T A VIOLENT DANGEROUS MAN?!

DoctorDread · 07/06/2019 09:25

4 years on and off.. despite my intuition and judgement at times

You know he's not right. You're questioning your judgment. I'm guessing he's been like this before but persuaded you it's someone else's fault. Trust your gut OP. It's SHOUTING AT YOU!

WellThisIsShit · 07/06/2019 09:25

His threats sound both extreme and very detailed. And these two factors, plus the way in which he delivered these threats (tone of voice, volume, body language, facial expressions, language used etc), has given you reason to worry that these are not just the usual letting off steam type of things people say in anger but wouldn’t dream of carrying out.

I think he scared you a bit last night, that something felt ‘off’, too extreme, and you are worried that he might actually be capable of going through with that level of violence. Maybe not that particular threat but that level of violence... Have I got that about right?

If your senses are telling you something is off, then I think you should listen to yourself.

We are all experts at human behaviour, and like I said above, you actually had loads of things to go on when he was making these threats - so if you’re feeling something is ‘off’, I think it’s that your brain has noticed that there are definite signals that he’s not behaving in the normal range of ‘angry ranting’.

Sorry, not explaining this well! I mean your brain is a like a massive computer and although you’re not aware, it’s analysing all the small signals that were given out, comparing what just happened against a lifetime of experience in what is the normal range of human behaviour
Eg Level & type of threat: extreme & also feels real world, not fantasy land stuff
Detailedness of threat: very detailed, he’s imagining himself doing it
Level of gore and violence: high!
Planning mentality behind the threat: it sounds like a complete threat, with planning and how he’d do it in real life
Delivery of threat: what was his tone of voice? volume? body language? facial expression? language used etc

Basically your brain has already chugged through this analysis in the blink of an eye, and it may not have told you the details, but your brain has given you the main summary of all that work... which is, something is off, this guy doesn’t feel safe.

He’s not reacting like safe people do, and that thing about him acting like people are watching him all the time doesn’t sound very stable either.

It may feel sad now, or go against you wanting to comfort someone ‘in need’, but you need to look after yourself first... it always has to be your safety first. So you need to carefully back away from this guy at the moment. Because you need to take care of yourself. Flowers

The way you’ve reacted to these threats makes me think

Shequakes · 07/06/2019 09:27

I think people can easily say things in anger that they don’t really mean. However the fact that you’re worried about it and you feel he is sly raises alarm bells.

Except he has a violent past. Chances are, he does mean it.

If they are in a other country and they do call the police, it would take a while for you to hear

ptumbi · 07/06/2019 09:28

Fucking hell. DO NOT GET PREGNANT with this guy.

RUN.

Get away from him as quickly and as safely as you can. And heed his threats. And read vaginaandaUterus's post ^ many times.

CousinKrispy · 07/06/2019 10:13

This guy sounds so unsafe for you to be with :-( do you have any family or friends you can talk to who would support you in leaving him? I know it's a really hard step to take, but it could be a life-saving one for you.

Would you have time to do the Freedom Programme, either in person or online? it might help you come to grips with why you accepted a partner with such a violent past in the first place.

I hope you will stay safe OP.

TryingToLearn · 07/06/2019 10:17

I honestly do not think he will hurt me. I know I need to leave. The good thing is (but also something I may be flamed for as it ought to be 'easy') we don't live together. I have children, and for two years I haven't organised any time to see him when my children would be there.

Truly, it is a low bar yes, I recognise that. But I grew up without a father and abusive step father, so I feel I want to help and fix, however I have been in some unacceptable situations, hence the on and off part.

I know I need to leave, its bizarre because I feel perhaps he is very in need and I feel awful leaving him at this time. I don't even know what I'd say? I meant to see him this weekend.

OP posts:
TryingToLearn · 07/06/2019 10:20

I sound like an idiot in that last post. I'm excusing everything whilst feeling very uncomfortable in my self. I know it's all bad.

OP posts:
Shequakes · 07/06/2019 10:26

You may think he wont hurt you.

But you feel unsafe. Isnt that enough?

Bananalanacake · 07/06/2019 10:26

it's good you don't live together and you know you need to leave.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/06/2019 10:39

Have you had any DA support in the past?
Your bar is so low due to your upbringing.
Have a chat with Womens Aid.
Get on their Freedom Programme.
See if you can access some counselling. Again WA can point you in the right direction.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 07/06/2019 10:44

*@Bluerussian
*
Very nasty things being said by ex's fiancee. Even if not meant, what on earth would put words like that into someone's mouth, or even such thoughts in their head? It's nightmarish stuff.

It's her boyfriend who said these things not the ex's fiancé
OP he sounds like a psycho. Please run

TryingToLearn · 07/06/2019 10:48

What do I even say? I dont want to feel guilty and of course I have feelings for him. He's been messaging really lovely things, but I've not opened messages

OP posts:
TryingToLearn · 07/06/2019 11:06

People saying that I can sense something being off, and scared because I think he's capable, are right, it's really really fucking scared me.

OP posts:
Whatisthisfuckery · 07/06/2019 11:23

OP, you can’t fix him, you really can’t,. It’s like trying to empty out the sea, you can’t possibly scoop out all the water, and where would you put it if you tried? You’d have to drink it, but it would poison you. It’s not your job to fix him, he’s an adult so he’s responsible for his own wellbeing and conduct.

What exactly do you know about his violent past? Do you know it all? How do you know you know it all. There could be things he hasn’t told you, things that he knows would have made you turn and run if you found out. His ex may have moved over seas for any number of reasons, he might well be one of them.

But anyway, come on OP, who makes threats like that? We’ve all been angry and said and thought things we didn’t really mean, but not directly to the person. Look at it from the fiancées pov. He knows this man has a violent history, he probably knows more than you, and he’s just been threatened with serious violence. He might not be especially worried because he’s abroad but you can bet there’s a nagging doubt.

What about if it was you he threatened? You’re female and you aren’t over seas. You need to chuck him before you find out what he’s capable of. It’ll be too late once you do. Your kids don’t need that.

DoctorDread · 07/06/2019 11:25

Op. I am like you. Father bailed, mother married 5 times, abusive stepfather etc. It fuck you up and makes it impossible to see when something is abusive because it just feels normal.

You say that it is unacceptable and that you no longer want to see him. Then you block him and be prepared to call the police at the slightest hint that he may turn on you. It may also be worth informing the police of his comments to fiancé so they are aware of the situation. Keep yourself safe OP

Fucksandflowers · 07/06/2019 11:33

I strongly suspect that he has lied about his history with his ex.

I suspect he was violent towards her and the children and that is why she fled the country and that is why there is a court order on him.

TryingToLearn · 07/06/2019 11:37

I thought perhaps I would text him...just say that after last night's comments that I feel I no longer want to see him. I'm home without children tonight.

We have only just got back together, but it has been turbulent and tentative. Him telling me that he doesn't feel loved by me and that I'm not being myself or putting him as a priority. He also told me he turned up to my house and heard me having sex...that went on for a day and a half, him saying he was at my house and heard me...and me telling the truth, that I was home alone watching Netflix in bed.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 07/06/2019 11:41

How many women who enter relationships have said to themselves ‘I know he will end up abusing me one day but I’m going to marry them anyway’

You say you know he won’t hurt you, but many women have said the same until they were hurt.

You know what you need to do. I think you have known it for a while now and this has just cemented it in your mind.

DoctorDread · 07/06/2019 11:48

Ffs OP he's deranged and you know it.

Gamble66 · 07/06/2019 11:52

So paranoid jealously as well 😂 yeh sure your overreacting

hellsbellsmelons · 07/06/2019 12:16

Well he is not your priority.
Your DC are.
And it's your job to keep them safe and away from people like this man.
Just tell him it's not working for you and you don't want to see him anymore.
If he escalates then involve the police.
And please speak to Womens Aid. You have chosen to ignore so many red flags here.
The Freedom Programme will help you with all of that.

TryingToLearn · 07/06/2019 12:26

Sorry, I've been drip feeding a bit. After the day and half of telling me he was outside my house, he then told me he wasn't.

I did start the freedom programme, but everyone there seemed to have had such worse time of it, or had children with the men, so I ended up feeling a bit of a fraud.

I will text him, I can't keep ignoring him

OP posts:
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