I want my wife back

[Whome73]

Hi , first time posting here. I'm married with two children 7 and 5. My wife is the best mum they could ever have , problem is she is so much a mum I feel totally forgotten about. I work full time , she stays at home looking after them doing the school run etc. For the last six years we have been out together without the children only 3 or 4 times. No more than half a day or evening without the children. Every night after work I come home and they are having dinner, I have to cook for myself every night and my wife always says she doesn't know what I want or didn't have time. I know the girls are tiring but I don't even get offered a cup of tea when she makes one. At bed time I read stories , help clean teeth, then my wife insists on getting into bed with the girls eveynight and always falls asleep with them. Since Christmas she had not been downstairs in the living room for even one evening despite me telling her I want to spend time with her and find it boring sitting alone every night. Am I being unreasonable wanting to spend time together. After six years of very little interaction I feel we are more house mates than partners. Sex life is maybe 3 or 4 times a years at best. Just feel ignored and lonely. Have tried speaking to her but just get the same reply ' they are small and need attention and it won't be forever'. She does not like letting anyone babysit even her own mum , on the rare occasions she has babysat we have to be back early so she can settle the children. I feel I have lost my wife and time is fast passing me by. I mentioned counseling but it ended in years with me being acused of being unreasonable. Don't know how I ended up like this. We have been together 20 years .

In your post above, she is their mum and your wife. I don't see the 3 dimensional person she must be.

How often do you treat her like the individual person she still is?

You talk about the service she performs for the kids, the service she doesnt perform for you.

What about her? What does she want?

Do your children never get to spend time at your family for half a day?
What about family holidays? Does she act the same?

Can you offer taking your kids to school in the morning? Do you work from home at all?

@picsinred

It doesn’t sound like he’s even getting a chance to treat her like “the individual person she is”. I mean, how can he? He comes home every night, she takes the girls to bed and then stays there. I assume at the ages of 5 & 7 they are going to bed at a reasonable hour, so that’s a pretty long evening to sit alone. Night after night.

The dinner thing is neither here nor there, but if she’s making dinner for her and the kids anyway it wouldn’t be entirely unreasonable to make some extra for him even just now and again so they can actually eat together as a family when he comes in.

OP what about weekends, do you get any time together as a family or couple?

No. Younare not strange or demanding. You need to talk to her and tell her things have to change. This isn't a marriage - your wife has become a mum-martyr. A phrase I hate but nonetheless real in your circumstances.
Talk to her.
Tell her how you feel.
Things have to change or what is the point in having a partner ?

She's avoiding you and clearly unhappy.

A 5 and 7 year old shouldn't need to be settled or her going to bed with them.
If you hadn't told their ages I'd have thought they were a baby and toddler!

Whilst I don't think she should have to cook your dinner, it's odd that she won't make an extra portion, which would take no more effort.

She's doing it because she wants to. She vastly prefers their company to yours. Why? We won't know the answer to that. But certainly there is an answer. There is definitely a reason, as its simply not normal to actively avoid your spouse like this.

On here, generally the women who avoid their husbands in the evenings are trapped in poor marriages. They are avoiding being groped or pressured into sex, they are avoiding a row, they are avoiding a bullish mood, they are avoiding watching too many beers or joints being sucked down.

You have some reflecting to do.

I'm really sorry, OP, but I think she has checked out of the relationship. It sounds like she is avoiding you in the evenings.

No time with family unless we are all together or she is with them.

Evertytime I try and talk she gets emotional and I hate to see her like that. We hardly ever row and I still love / attracted to her.

Neither of us drink or smoke, ten years ago we did probably too much but since the kids we went tea total and I'm fine with that.

Can you get a go to have the kids fora couple of hours, suggest lunch somewhere and ask if she's happy in the marriage, if she wants to be together for any reason other than the kids, is there anything you can do to make her want to spend time with her?

What is a typical weekend like? Inc childcare, meals, chores

Why is she with the kids? Why aren’t you? Have you contemplated taking over? Are you capable?

She's not making any time for you. It's just common courtesy to make someone else a cuppa when you make one for yourself or to make enough dinner for you to reheat when you get in, not expect you to make your own. She's clearly trying to tell you something with her behaviour but if she won't open up and actually talk about it in words, what can you do with that?! Its no wonder you're frustrated.

It sounds like she's stuck in a rut, tired of her life, but she probably feels guilty being resentful of the DCs so she saves it for you. Its not fair.

my wife insists on getting into bed with the girls eveynight and always falls asleep with them She has replaced you with them in her affections and she needs to realise that this way divorce lies. You need to make each other a priority sometimes and you can't do that if she never comes downstairs to spend time with you.

However, if she's falling asleep when they do, she must be knackered. She could be depressed or just have no enthusiasm for doing anything after a busy day with the kids, but this isn't sustainable.

I'd be saying either something changes or you'll be leaving, as you deserve a full and loving relationship (that doesn't mean she OWES you sex on tap, it means that for a relationship to survive you DO owe each other the bare basics, a hug, a kiss, an evening watching TV together with a cup of tea you take it in turns to make each other!)

Is it possible that you've put pressure on her in the past if she shows you any affection that it has to lead elsewhere? That's often a reason why women switch off, they've learned that even a hug or a kiss is taken as foreplay so its 'safer' just to keep your distance. I'm not saying that IS the case, but its a possibility if that has happened previously.

I know when kids come onto the scene everything changes and often the mum feels 'touched out' after a day of kids climbing all over her, but you both have to be happy with the new normal, and you're clearly not. If she is, then she can't see why she needs to change anything, but she needs to listen to your feelings. If she won't talk and won't go to a counsellor, there's not much you can do to fix things on your own. You don't have to live like that.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I wouldn't dream of not including my husband in making dinner or making a tea without making him one or at least offering. You only mention the week day when you are working. How are the weekends? Does your wife still go to bed with the children then? As hard as it is to see her upset I do think you need to have a talk with her and try to understand why she seems to avoid time together with you. Perhaps she is so tired all she wants to do is climb into bed but it's not very fair on you. Bite the bullet and talk to her. You can't go on like this forever. Good luck

Evertytime I try and talk she gets emotional and I hate to see her like that.

Do you listen to the emotion or shut it down because it makes you uncomfortable?

Are you capable? Are you always such a bellend?

OP, you need to talk to her. I know you say she gets upset but there is clearly something going on here that needs addressing. This doesn’t sound like normal “kids getting in the way of being us” type stuff.

Let's say she makes an extra portion of the sort of food her and the kids like to eat.

Would you eat that sort of food, or would you prefer something different and make something else or get takeout?

When did you last make her a cup of tea? Buy her flowers? Tell her how much you appreciate her without expecting sex in return?

These are serious questions. It's highly unlikely that your wife has turned away from you - but still ensconced in the family - for no reason.

What time are you getting home from work? I don't understand (unless it's quite late) why you are all not sitting down to the same dinner as a family?

The Girls are certainly old enough to wait until 7pmr, and could have a decent afternoon tea once home from school which will carry them through the afternoon.

How about picking up takeaway or organising home delivery one night each weekday after work (pre-organised of course) with the Girls expected to be eating at the table with you both? That way it takes the pressure off your wife over what to cook for dinner and you all get to talk about your day/s together.

The kids are at school all day, she has time to make dozens of meals and freeze them. She is using the children as an excuse to avoid you and you need to find out why, as this is no longer a marriage but just a convenient bread winner arrangement. Children that age do not need a parent to stay with them as they sleep and, if you are doing the story, they just need a quick kiss and goodnight from their mum.

You are not being unreasonable.

Whether your wife has her own issues that have lead to her checking out of the marriage, she’s not entitled to not deal with them, and you, when asked reasonably.

My strong advice in these situations is not to discuss or raise couples counselling, but actually research and book a series of appointments with someone good. Present your partner calmly with a piece of paper with the dates, locations etc. Ensuring you’ve taken childcare into account. Tell her that you’ve done it because you value her, the marriage and the family you’ve built. But that burying your heads in the sand about your disappearing relationship isn’t tenable for you. Say you understand she’ll need time to process this, then go out for a while (or to work?). Don’t engage with her then and there, it’s unlikely to be productive.

Things might get ugly for a while, but I think it’s the passivity and inaction that’s killing you. Year after year of it. If there’s something brewing in her, you need to know what it is. If it’s just that she’s gone off you, you still need to know to make your decisions (or get the right help). Don’t let her put you off this time, with tears or anything else.

The killer line, kept in reserve in case she shuts you down again is ‘l organised these sessions because I want to know I did everything possible to get us back on track’. Be careful, it’s powerful. But sometimes people need a glimpse of a different future before they’ll be motivated to change anything.

Good luck.

It really sounds like she's checking out of the relationship. If she's refusing to talk to you about it, it's impossible to resolve. Personally I think you need to be assertive about asking for a proper conversation. Ask her if she still wants to be married because it cannot carry on like this. If she does want to continue you both need to be able to say what has to change to improve the relationship. And both listen to her and be clear about what you need.

It doesn't sound like your wife wants you back.

I think that one of the things I found most stressful about being a SAHP was the way that it changed my relationship dynamic with DH. At a mostly subconscious level, I stopped thinking of him as my partner, and started thinking of him as my employer, and my house and children became my workplace. And there wasn't any escape from it, because there was always more stuff that needed to be done, and more care that needed to be given, and so when DH wanted more affection or attention it felt on some level like a boss giving extra tasks when I was already working around the clock, and giving that attention and affection felt like another duty rather than a mutual thing. And if she's feeling like that, she probably won't say it explicitly, because you don't tell your boss that you can't cope and that you resent him, and she might not even have thought it through.

If that is the case, the way to get your wife back isn't to get her to spend more time with you, but is probably to encourage her to spend more time with people who aren't you or the children, doing things she enjoys that make her feel like an individual person who can do things for herself. And to make sure that if she goes out without you, that you make sure that the evening tasks she would normally do get done.

The girls may well be tiring in the evenings but they are at school all day. If your wife does not work in paid employment, I assume she gets a bit of a break in the mornings. I am not sure how she can justify behaving like she is exhausted and ignore you in the evenings. Your dds are not that small at 5 and 7. They should in fact be pretty easy by this age. This is generally one of the best and easiest ages for dc, after toddlerhood and before Year 6.

It is not much of a marriage. She is not making any effort for you.

Why do you think she won't address the issue?

"my wife insists on getting into bed with the girls eveynight and always falls asleep with them"

She's probably doing this to forestall the possibility of sex. There's been many threads here from women who the very idea of sex with their husband makes them physically uncomfortable. There's a possibility she's in the same boat. She doesn't want to discuss it any further because she simply doesn't want to open up the possibility of sex, or any other kind of close physical intimacy.

The other posters here are suggesting this is due to something he's done, but maybe its just her feelings towards him have cooled due to having children and the passage of time.