I want my wife back

[Whome73]

Hi , first time posting here. I'm married with two children 7 and 5. My wife is the best mum they could ever have , problem is she is so much a mum I feel totally forgotten about. I work full time , she stays at home looking after them doing the school run etc. For the last six years we have been out together without the children only 3 or 4 times. No more than half a day or evening without the children. Every night after work I come home and they are having dinner, I have to cook for myself every night and my wife always says she doesn't know what I want or didn't have time. I know the girls are tiring but I don't even get offered a cup of tea when she makes one. At bed time I read stories , help clean teeth, then my wife insists on getting into bed with the girls eveynight and always falls asleep with them. Since Christmas she had not been downstairs in the living room for even one evening despite me telling her I want to spend time with her and find it boring sitting alone every night. Am I being unreasonable wanting to spend time together. After six years of very little interaction I feel we are more house mates than partners. Sex life is maybe 3 or 4 times a years at best. Just feel ignored and lonely. Have tried speaking to her but just get the same reply ' they are small and need attention and it won't be forever'. She does not like letting anyone babysit even her own mum , on the rare occasions she has babysat we have to be back early so she can settle the children. I feel I have lost my wife and time is fast passing me by. I mentioned counseling but it ended in years with me being acused of being unreasonable. Don't know how I ended up like this. We have been together 20 years .

@Whome73
You sound very lonely and you seem to value and appreciate your wife, so what I’m going to say might not feel directly relevant, but you might find some help in it.

I’m in almost exactly the same position as your wife, although my DC are a couple of years younger. I’m a SAHM and most nights I’ll make dinner for the kids and myself, take them up to bed and often fall asleep there.

On the outside I’m sure I look horribly unreasonable but it’s mainly a defence mechanism.

For example, I’m a good cook and try hard, but DH will usually come in and make a little comment about the food. Unhappy with what we’re having, or it isn’t cooked to his specifications. He’ll often unhappily eat what I’ve made and then order a takeaway just for himself. It’s hurtful. If he’s going to be unhappy either way, and order in either way, I may as well reclaim a small bit of my own autonomy by not even bothering to cook for him.

Similarly, often I’ll stay up with the DC because I find him so utterly disinterest in my trivial SAHM chat in the evenings, it’s hurtful. Sometimes he will be lovely and affectionate. Sometimes, I’m boring, he’s had a tough day at work, he doesn’t want to talk to me, everything I do is wrong or irritating. I find it so stressful to know which one I’ll get any given evening, it’s just easier on myself to stay up and try to avoid it.

I know I’m probably not doing the right thing by avoiding these things but i just feel unable to win any discussion with him, so I stay quiet. It might be that your wife is also feeling insecure or insufficient and protecting herself.

Op this sounds sad. I think that painful as it is to deal with the emotion - this just has to be confronted honestly.

Why is a woman who is not going out to work and whose kids are at school so tired she is going to bed with her kids every night?

You know that the answers night be painful so you aren't pushing with the questions. But she seems to be avoiding you and avoiding intimacy on major scale.

You need time without the kids to reconnect. Sometimes a daytime outing can be less pressure - it removes the sexual element.what about a day out ? Without the kids.abd be honest about your unhappiness.

I'm confused about why she doesn't do more around the house, they must both be at school full time and you work more hours than her if she is part time. On the days l work and my partner doesn't, then he makes my dinner. Why does she avoid any kind of couple time? Would it really be so bad to pop to the local curry house for a few hours and leave them with a family member / friend / babysitter. Do they really need settling in bed at that age?! Surely they should be able to settle themselves? Being blunt but she needs to make effort with all areas of her life. The balance is leaning too far to the children. What about her, you, your relationship, friendships and family members? Is she also avoidant about everything as she feels very avoidant e.g. the bed time thing

yesno i totally understand what youre saying. I do similar to you

As a PP has said, it's time to let her know that you are halfway out of the door. I don't think you will do this though as you are clearly not trying to get your point across for fear of upsetting her. The only way this can be resolved is for you to upset her though. she has everything her own way and you have relatively little. I suggest you sit her down calmly and tell her you are not enjoying this any more. Go quiet. Let her speak. Try and read her but be insistent that you feel you are not in a relationship with another adult. Don't waver from the 'things need to change' theme. You have to start this to get change. You can't live like this.

yesnomaybeidontknow that sounds so difficult for you. My ex was unpredictable and moody.
The sun came out the day the left in a van.

If it were a man, affair would be the first thing suggested. She has the time (all day) and is not really involved with the OP, except to pay bills. And when she goes up ‘with the children’, she could spend hours messaging an OM.

Of course she may have her reasons and there are two sides to every story. However, based on the OP, they no longer have a marriage.

It is time to give your wife an ultimatum, either ‘work on’ the marriage or divorce and go forward with an amicable co-parenting relationship.

How are you doing OP?