I want my wife back

[Whome73]

Hi , first time posting here. I'm married with two children 7 and 5. My wife is the best mum they could ever have , problem is she is so much a mum I feel totally forgotten about. I work full time , she stays at home looking after them doing the school run etc. For the last six years we have been out together without the children only 3 or 4 times. No more than half a day or evening without the children. Every night after work I come home and they are having dinner, I have to cook for myself every night and my wife always says she doesn't know what I want or didn't have time. I know the girls are tiring but I don't even get offered a cup of tea when she makes one. At bed time I read stories , help clean teeth, then my wife insists on getting into bed with the girls eveynight and always falls asleep with them. Since Christmas she had not been downstairs in the living room for even one evening despite me telling her I want to spend time with her and find it boring sitting alone every night. Am I being unreasonable wanting to spend time together. After six years of very little interaction I feel we are more house mates than partners. Sex life is maybe 3 or 4 times a years at best. Just feel ignored and lonely. Have tried speaking to her but just get the same reply ' they are small and need attention and it won't be forever'. She does not like letting anyone babysit even her own mum , on the rare occasions she has babysat we have to be back early so she can settle the children. I feel I have lost my wife and time is fast passing me by. I mentioned counseling but it ended in years with me being acused of being unreasonable. Don't know how I ended up like this. We have been together 20 years .

Another one thinking she is avoiding you.
It shouldn't be necessary to sleep with a 5 and a 7 year old every single night.
The dinner thing is another bad sign imo as it doesn't take longer to cook for 4 than for 3.
The children are at school all day and she doesn't work outside of the house. If she's exhausted she needs to see a doctor.
Either way you need to talk.

If she cries when you try to talk to her, she sounds overwhelmed. Why not offer to have the kids for an afternoon one weekend and book her a treat, like a spa treatment or afternoon tea for her and her mum or a friend? It sounds like she desperately needs some time off to remember that she is more than just 'mummy'. It would be a loving, kind gesture that shows her efforts for your family are appreciated, and it would be impossible for her to think anything other than "aww, that's so lovely of him!" Take baby steps towards reconnecting.

How can she be doing everything ‘around the clock’, they are at school 9-3, and in bed asleep a good bit.

She’s hiding from you and the pair of you need a frank conversation about your relationship and where it’s going. I don’t know if she’s crying because of the way you are raising this or as a defence mechanism to shut you down but the conversation has got to happen.

Some people’s way of ending relationships is to make the other person’s life intolerable so they leave. That might be what she’s doing.

notabedofroses the children are 5 and 7,so will be at school during the day. Surely that gives time to do things for herself if she wants

I've made a couple of comments about how she seems to have fallen completely out of love with her husband. But now come to think of it her problems may go deeper than that. Deeper than resentment or tiredness. She may be suffering from fairly serious anxiety and depression. Does she have any friends? Does she leave the house? She seems to be focusing everything on her daughters, just when they are reaching the age when they should be needing less attention. Is this because this relieves her anxiety?

OP, what happens at the weekends? Do you do anything together as a family?

Our kids are younger, but I've been in a similar position to where your DW is. Just to give you some perspective. I was depressed. I felt like I had lost my identity and all I was to anyone was a glorified maid. I made meals, cups of tea, cleaned the house and looked after the kids without a thank you. I felt like no one noticed or appreciated me at all. I resented my DH because he was there to resent along with my life.

What's helped me is working on getting myself back. Before even starting on my relationship with DH. Which is still a work in progress frankly. I changed jobs from part time to full and now actually feel like my identity is coming back. I have fixed nights for doing my thing each week, as does DH. We are working on our relationship. It's still not what it was TBH. But we're on the same page at least now.

Talk to her. Ask her how she is feeling. Ask her what she wants from life. Don't make it about you, your relationship or sex life. Ask her what she feels is missing and what you can do to support her in that.

She sounds either depressed or is wanting out of the relationship without having to deal with the practicalities.

It sounds mean not even making you a cup of tea when she makes herself one.

I think it's time to force the conversation one way or another. Preferably through counseling. You can't continue as it is, even if she prefers to bury her head in the sand.

As she is home in the day why don't you take a few days holiday from work during term time so the children are in school and you can spend the days together and try to reconnect.

I have been a SAHM for over a decade, my Mum sadly died several years ago so Dh would take a day off work and we would spend the day together, sometimes it was a simple as shopping without the children, or a meal out, a walk, a film, whatever but that is what we did.

The children are both teens so now we can leave them behind, grab an evening coffee somewhere.

But her not making you dinner is quite frankly shit. She does have time she just doesn't want to. I would usually make a dinner for the children when they were little, Dh and I would put them to bed together, sometimes they would have a story together or separately in their own rooms. Then I or sometimes DH would make dinner for us.

I know this is going to sound harsh but I think she is taking the piss, at home with children in school is not that tiring unless she is doing huge amounts of stuff during the day and housework doesn't count. Many working parents manage a full time job plus housework and don't get into bed with their children every night.

I would tell her you are booking a few days off to spend with her. See what her response is from that.

I think the marriage is sadly over. Maybe you need to make plans. I work until 4 each day and make dinner each night and after putting children to bed (slightly younger) we spend two hours or so together. We dont have a perfect marriage I will add. But I make tea and buy him a favourite newspaper or chocolate bar or whatever. She is totally ignoring you and not making dinner after being home all day alone and say i ng she is exhausted is ridiculous.

Her attachment to the children given their ages sounds pretty unhealthy. It sounds like she's deliberately avoiding you. I'd say she's unhappy and seeking fulfilment through her relationship with the children alone, but doesn't sound very healthy for them either. Perhaps try counselling.

When did she last spend time with her friends? I think that's probably a good indicator. If she spends an evening each week out with her friends, or meets them regularly for lunch, then she probably is just avoiding you. But if she doesn't see other people either and is just focused on the children and the house, then she's probably forgotten how to do adult company

Elspethflashman hit the nail on the head.

You've probably done something/or not done something and she's quietly seething about it.

I bet you won't admit to low level bullying or emotional abuse or a past affair, you know what it could be and now you are paying for it!

She probably doesn't love you.

Or maybe she is just selfish?

Fuckmylife I think that was harsh and uncalled for...

I know that in MN men usually are ALWAYS at fault but women can make mistakes too.... and actually in a relationship, I would say that BOTH partners are always at fault.
Eg you coud say the OP is at fault because he hasn’t raised that issue for years despite being unhappy about it.
Or you could say that SHE is at fault because she is avoiding him and isn’t talking about WHAT is making her unhappy.

We have no idea of the dynamics of the relationship and what has happened between them so it's impossible to make any judgements. All we have to go on is that it doesn't seem healthy at the moment. Something is clearly wrong. The op can reflect on his own behaviour and that could help but equally it could be that things are exactly the same as they used to be but the wife no longer wants this.

If she won't engage or try counseling, the op has to decide whether he can live with the situation or not.

Totally agree Qweenbee.

I think when you're kids are bit older she will probably leave you.The way she is with your kids/you was like reading about a couple of childhood sweethearts i knew-she stayed til the kids were teens&had their own interests&were pretty much independent,by which time they barely spoke,hadnt had sex in years..she just couldnt bear to leave&split uo the family. when they were young.more common than you think.

Your marriage is over. She has completely checked out.

At age 5 & 7, you should all be having a family dinner together at the table each evening. Discussing your day etc. Children should be able to put themselves to bed (mostly), and then you and your wife should have an adult evening together, with sex at least once a week.

She seems to be hiding from you. Why? Did you have an affair or something?

Why is she a SAHM when the kids are now in school? If you are loaded fine of course.

I'm going to tell you how our evenings go, as a benchmark. We have one "child" at home just now, aged 20. She is home from Uni for the summer. I work from home.

DH gets home from work at 5.30pm. I make him a cup of tea & ask about his day. He asks about mine.

7pm-8pm Me, DH and DD sit at the table for at least one hour having dinner, talking and enjoying a glass of wine or two

8pm Me, DH and DD pick something to watch on TV, last night it was Black Mirror and Love Island. We frequently pause this to chat though! TV goes off about 10.30pm and we chat for an hour before bed.

At least once a week, daughters boyfriend will join us for dinner. We spend about 1.5 hours chatting at the table, and after this we tend to play games together.

Anyway, I digress somewhat. What are you going to do? And why the fuck are you only having sex 4 time a year?????????

Im projecting but this is my situation: im in the situation of your wife. Im fed up of being a housekeeper-nanny for the household. God, id love my partner to bulk make meals or stand with me in the kitchen chopping veg/ washing pots/ just chatting with me and spending time with me. I am a person. Im not there to just be nanny bloody plum. Make an effort with me and all the things that go around the effort,eg, if you book us a table at a restaurant, then book the babysitter, make the kids food. Dont just be in your work bubble. And dont expect sex if you happen to plan something nice. It really makes things shit. Its like i have to reward you.

To give another perspective, at the moment we regularly have to spend 1. 5 hours or more with our 2.5 year old to get them to sleep. Thankfully bedtime is at 7 but often we're not out of there till 8.30pm. It's a killer.

BUT after that we spend time together. We have a glass of wine and watch Netflix or sometimes we're just completely knackered and I just want to go to bed. But then he'll join me in bed and we'll read side by side and make occasional chit chat. We may be zombies but at least we're zombies together. But then I find my husband to be easy company and he doesn't bother me in any way.

If he did bother me, I'd probably use the child as an excuse to avoid meeting him in the evenings. It's easily done when the kids are being demanding.

Exactly what wizzywig said. Be kind helpful and nice but don't do it for your own selfish reasons.

I sense she probably has some old resentment or past hurt that has made her lose feelings for you. Look at your history. Have you cheated previously? Let her down some how? Is she grieving?

OP you need to be more proactive. Why aren’t you doing the bedtime routine? Maybe try making your wife feel loved rather than it all being about you and you feeling neglected. She’s raised your kids. Time to give something back. If you treat her well then she’ll return that. Things that would have worked for me include 1) take over the bedtime routine after running her a bath 2) buy her a gym membership at somewhere nice that also has a beauty room 3) book a babysitter and a restaurant

Do not expect to get laid just because you do those things. You’re going to have to take off 50% of the mental load just to get to that point. Start asking every morning and every evening “is there anything else that needs doing” start doing things like putting the bins out, washing the kitchen floor, making the beds without her needing to ask.

I’m guessing you’ve not been pulling your weight for years but she’s been too scared/depressed to mention it to you.

When was the last time you took both of your kids out all day on a Saturday or Sunday on your own? Something you’ve booked and planned? That includes getting them up, getting them dressed, getting their breakfast then entertaining them for the whole day, including getting their tea sorted and then bringing them home and putting them to bed. How many times have you done that off your own back? If you answer never to that question then you’ve got your answer as to why your marriage is why it is. So I suggest you start there.

Sadly OP I got like this with my ex husband and avoided him because I discovered that we were too different and at the end of the day I just didn't love him like a wife should love their husband. So I asked for a divorce because I was miserable and had emotionally checked out. There were factors in his behaviour that helped cause that. So it's a good idea to look at how you MAY have contributed to her feeling this way. You may have done nothing and she may just be a cold fish but life is rarely that black and white. I did used to try and talk to my ExH about how unhappy I was, begged him to go to counselling but he refused to talk and wouldn't consider counselling so there was only one inevitable ending for me.

Relationships after kids take a battering. Sometimes people use their kids as an excuse to avoid facing changing feelings towards their partners and they're too afraid to confront how they really feel. If that's the case, you're a bit stuck and I guess you have to be blunt and make it clear how unhappy the situation is making you.

As far as I can tell from the OP, he is doing the bedtime routine (story and helping them with teeth). After that his wife chooses to go to bed with them.

My take on the information in the OP is that his wife sounds extremely anxious and/or is avoiding him because splitting up would be very disruptive.

Not being happy letting anyone babysit your 5 and 7 year old is not usual. Nor is insisting on returning early to settle the children on rare occasions your own mother is looking after them. Nor is insisting that your 5 and 7 year old need you to get in to bed to ‘settle’ them every night.

Even the going teetotal once the children were born (rather than simply cutting down) is over the top.

If that’s the case, she might not be happy with the idea of counselling because it feels like opening up Pandora’s box.

But, the OP is not wrong to want an actual relationship with his wife. I don’t think he’s unreasonable to want to be able to eat some of the dinner that the rest of the family is eating either. It’s really not fair to insist it must be that he’s abusive or nasty or whatever.

Nor is it the case that it could only be the wife that’s feeling taken for granted. In this situation, it would be easy for the OP to feel like he’s just a convenient source of income and nothing more.