I want my wife back

[Whome73]

Hi , first time posting here. I'm married with two children 7 and 5. My wife is the best mum they could ever have , problem is she is so much a mum I feel totally forgotten about. I work full time , she stays at home looking after them doing the school run etc. For the last six years we have been out together without the children only 3 or 4 times. No more than half a day or evening without the children. Every night after work I come home and they are having dinner, I have to cook for myself every night and my wife always says she doesn't know what I want or didn't have time. I know the girls are tiring but I don't even get offered a cup of tea when she makes one. At bed time I read stories , help clean teeth, then my wife insists on getting into bed with the girls eveynight and always falls asleep with them. Since Christmas she had not been downstairs in the living room for even one evening despite me telling her I want to spend time with her and find it boring sitting alone every night. Am I being unreasonable wanting to spend time together. After six years of very little interaction I feel we are more house mates than partners. Sex life is maybe 3 or 4 times a years at best. Just feel ignored and lonely. Have tried speaking to her but just get the same reply ' they are small and need attention and it won't be forever'. She does not like letting anyone babysit even her own mum , on the rare occasions she has babysat we have to be back early so she can settle the children. I feel I have lost my wife and time is fast passing me by. I mentioned counseling but it ended in years with me being acused of being unreasonable. Don't know how I ended up like this. We have been together 20 years .

My friend was very frank one day that since she’d had her son (contraception failure, her DP was very clear he didn’t want anymore but no he hadn’t had a vasectomy) she just wasn’t bothered by her DP. She wanted to do and be everything for her son as her DP had DC with his ex and it was now her turn, she wouldn’t “let” him do bedtime as it was her time, she chose and made his meals, she rarely went out and never without DS, that toddler cuddles were better than sex and now she was a mum she knew what made her happy and no one was getting in the way, including her child’s father. He once convinced her to go to the cinema for a date and she told me how annoyed she felt as she looked at him with complete contempt for thinking it would change how she felt.

They’re now separated and her DS has time with his dad away from her and she’s finally starting to have time for herself and seems happier. But there was no saving the relationship because she just wasn’t bothered by her DP once she had her son and nothing could make her. She wasn’t depressed and her thyroid is fine... And her ex is a perfectly capable dad, he knew how to put a child to bed, what to feed him, but she was convinced it was her job and her right.

mybeebop do you really think the problem is simply down to him not doing enough chores or not helping out with the kids enough? Where she's either suffering serious anxiety or can't stand even the idea of him touching her, there's probably deeper problems.

Bloody hell youre brave posting on here about your wife
I am a woman, and I wouldn't dream of treating my husband this way. I love him. At the end of a stressful day with the kids I need to sit down with him and even if we just watch tv together I feel closer to him.
I don't know why a lot of people are saying it's something you have/ haven't done, what are you meant to do? Could she be depressed?
Me and my husband probably only manage to have sex once or twice a week but I would know there was a problem if we were doing it 3 or 4 times a year, she must know that's not normal for a couple who love each other.
I agree with the pp that said book a couple of days off to spend with her in the week while the kids are in school and see how she reacts. You could even tell her you will sort them out in the morning so she can have a lie in then she might not be so tired and you can watch a film or something together in the evening. Good luck

Been with my husband 18 years now and married for 13. 6 years ago we separated for 6 months. Our marriage mirrored what yours is going through now and our DC where then 5 and 9. Although I made DH meals, we didn't spend any time together or hardly even spoke. He came home one day and said he couldn't live like it anymore and moved in with my DB (he had a spare room). I had low self confidence and although my DH still found me attractive, I hated myself. I'd put on weight since having our DC. While separated we began to get on better, began dating and having nights out. I made time for myself, started going to the gym and lost a lot of weight. I felt so much better with myself. It took 6 months but we eventually fell in love with each other again. The break was the worst time in my life but it was the best thing to happen to me and my DH. 6 years on we always make time for each other. Although we don't get many nights out still we communicate more. It's like a whole new relationship. I'm not saying that every relationship that's struggling will work the same way, but it worked for us.

I think relationship counselling would be a really good idea here

She is avoiding you. But she wont want to divorce whilst dc are young as she gets to stay at home with them and no risk of you getting a share of care.

You've already said counselling not worked. Do you still love her? What do you both want out of a relationship?

Start thinking about what you want from a separate life. Do you want the dc half the time? Financially how is she / you going to manage?

I think she needs to get back into work regardless of if you split or stay together because its a very unstable marriage and she needs something else to fall back on. Make that a priority. 5 and 7 is perfect age now dc are in school. Holiday clubs and after school clubs exist for a reason, perhaps research those so you can answer objections about needing to be home for the dc. Plus if she gets out the house and away from dc she might lift her mood.

Reading through all of the replies I can kind of understand. I’ve never been the kind of woman who is really into love and fannying around after a bloke and catering to his needs. Me and my DH are good friends and yes I love him in my own way but I don’t do romantic rubbish. It’s not me. Then when the kids came along BAM, I totally understood love for the first time. I pushed my DH away because to be honest, he wasn’t as interesting as they were. If I could choose what to do with my free time it would be to sit on the sofa with my kids on my lap, staring at their gorgeous faces and just relishing them. I’d choose that over any other social activity. I absolutely adore them. However, as the kids have got older it’s hit me that’s not fair on them or my DH. I have neglected my DH and it’s actually a bit annoying to me to even have to consider his feelings. So I get it. I’m now going to counselling and I go out to do childfree activities every day. I have had to force myself to do this. I’ve also started to make time for my DH and book things for us to do together. I’m trying and it’s a slow process but I’m consistently making effort to step back from just being a mother. The kids need to be allowed to grow up. For me, the realisation came when one of my kids pushed me away one day and told me I was giving too many kisses and it was annoying. It was like a lightbulb moment. So it can change OP as I’m proof of that and we are now in a better place than we’ve been for 15 years. Im not sure how you give her the lightbulb moment though 🤔

Sorta gave up at I feel totally forgotten about and you having to cook your own dinner.
I don't think your wife needs a third child!
How about taking time out on the weekend to cook a batch of meals so she won't have to and you can sit together and have dinner together as a family.

I don't know if she's trying to avoid you, she's clearly smothering the children with love and is thinking of only there need's, falling asleep with them at night time is not a good thing to start, at 5 and 7 they should be in bed by 8pm and you should be able to spend the rest of the evening together, i feel she us just focusing on the need's of the chikdren, you have to have a talk and make her listen to you, Good Luck

Jesus Christ Predestined she's a SAHM whose kids are out at school every day and the OP works outside of the home full time but he has to spend his weekends batch cooking the entire family's meals now?

Are you on glue???

I'm just talking from experience.

I agree. A sahm to two school age children has time to cook an evening meal for everyone. She won't even offer him a cup of tea if she is making one. She doesn't sound downtrodden to me. Angry maybe, but she's certainly not afraid to upset him.

What I get from your OP is how it's all about how you want her around. There is nothing about you with your children apart from a bedtime story. I find some men seem to resent the presence or are jealous of the attention their children get from the mum and just want the attention on themselves, which is what shouts out to me from your OP, not necessarily the jealousy or resentment, but that you want attention, which sounds like a toddler. My STBEXH made me feel like that at times, wanted the DCs to conveniently switch off at a certain time.

I am with someone else and early on he asked me what validates me as a woman, I couldn't really answer. I said I was a mum, and previously had been a wife and mum. And that was it. It's not enough. I need more than that in my life. Life as nothing but a mum and then a wife is stifling and boring. My new partner has given me life and I am so much more than just mum. He makes me feel amazing every day because he validates me as a woman. Do you ever put any effort into anything other than going out to work? Do you make her a cup of tea? Do you do anything without being asked (repeatedly) to do it? These are all things that massively got on my nerves with my ex. He went to work, he did stuff with the DCs but I would have to tell him usually. I even had to say when they needed a shower or DD needs her hair brushing, he would never have done it off his own back. It's massively irritating and you end up with another child instead of a partner. And believe me, this makes you switch off and check out, which is what I did and sounds exactly what your wife has done.

Talk to her. Don't avoid it (something else my ex did, again, always me who had to bring things up). If she gets upset, don't just avoid it, carry on and actually have a discussion. This is not a good model of a marriage to your DCs, one of the reasons I ended mine.

Oh, and you also may need to be prepared for the fact that the reason she avoids you and doesn't do things for you is because she doesn't love you anymore but can't bring herself to say so.

ElspethFlashman calm down. An hour out of his Sunday as a gesture to help the mother of his kids isn't a massive deal. If you cook a couple of meals in that time it frees up time for both of them. What is the problem with that?

I agree with predestined. It's not about picking over whose fault it is or who does more, it's how do they move forward and reconnect. What OP is currently doing is obviously not working, so what else can he try?

I wonder if this might help, OP
www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/communication/your-love-language-how-you-express-affection

My DH makes me feel loved by doing stuff. It makes me feel like I matter and my feelings are important to him. It makes him very lovely to live with and I feel respected and supported in a way I wouldn't if he were buying me extravagant gifts (for example) but never deigning to empty the dishwasher.

Raven lg I think by asking are you capable she or he means are they physically capable. I don't think it was asked in a nasty way

There are often 2 sides to a story, but if this as you have presented it OP then clearly to me she just has ‘checked out’. Not making someone’s dinner or offering tea if making one is just odd. Even at the point I was thinking of leaving H for various crappy things on his side, I still made dinner most nights after working, always made drinks, did the washing etc and watched boxsetsxetc with him —just had a lot of long baths!! I think you need an honest chat even if she gets upset— if it isnt that she would rather be a single mum, then take sex totally off the agenda for 6 months, but insist she at least sits with you some evenings and you have at least 2 family dinners a week. At the moment I think she is making sure the kids routine fits her agenda, it may be she simply doesn’t want anything physical so finds it easier to make it more difficult for that or it may be she would rather just be on her own with the kids, it happens, but if that’s the case she owes you that conversation. I know it’s upsetting but surely better to know. Keep it calm, don’t get angry and keep firm about it even if she gets upset.

I'd be looking at making plans to leave, and adjust so you can have the kids 50/50 (or close to). That way you'll get a chance to rebuild a happy life with your needs being met, you'll get much more time being a dad (as she won't be doing everything), and your wife can continue being without you, as that's what she wants (obvious from her actions).

It takes guts to leave, but can you really carry on life this? One life, live it as you want.

This:

"Whether your wife has her own issues that have lead to her checking out of the marriage, she’s not entitled to not deal with them, and you, when asked reasonably.

My strong advice in these situations is not to discuss or raise couples counselling, but actually research and book a series of appointments with someone good. Present your partner calmly with a piece of paper with the dates, locations etc. Ensuring you’ve taken childcare into account. Tell her that you’ve done it because you value her, the marriage and the family you’ve built. But that burying your heads in the sand about your disappearing relationship isn’t tenable for you. Say you understand she’ll need time to process this, then go out for a while (or to work?). Don’t engage with her then and there, it’s unlikely to be productive. "

That is the way to go, OP.

What does she get emotional about?

This is a hard one to comment on without knowing what's really going on in her head, it really sounds like she's either unhealthily obsessed with the kids or she's purposely trying to avoid you/spending time alone with you. I think you need to say that you're unhappy and want to either try to fix your relationship (or lack of) or you want to leave. I know I couldn't live that way

When you say she gets emotional, what does she say?

Does she actually go to sleep the same time as the kids or is she lying in bed with her phone/iPad?

If she is sleeping, I would be very concerned about her health tbh. Is she engaging with other people? If she is going out with friends and chatting on the phone to everyone except you, then it could be the case that she’s no longer interested in the marriage. However, if she isn’t interacting with anyone and not doing anything apart from being with the kids, then I would be concerned about depression.

OP I suggest you take a day off work and tell her that you’ve made a GP appointment, as you’re very worried that she’s so exhausted. Its not normal to be asleep by 8ish every single night. If she protests that she doesn’t need to see a GP, then use the time to go for a nice lunch instead and discuss your relationship. If she doesn’t want to do that either then....you will have the answer that she just doesn’t want to spend time with you.

Google ‘love languages’, there is a really good quiz which helps you identify how different people feel ‘loved’.

Good luck

Certainly lots of two pennies worth on here. I think the point that has not come across is we actually get on well with the children both together and do happy normal family things at weekend s and holidays. It's just the long lonely evenings and lack of affection that bothers me. We have been together 20 plus years and I know my wife works extremely hard for the children. She does work part time and is heavily involved at the school with pta stuff and other mums. Yes I do cook and clean and my wife tells me I'm a hard worker so I am sure she does not think I'm not pulling my weight. I think she had just become totally absorbed as a mum.

Maybe she is scared you don't have anything in common any more. We have found that going back to doing some of the things we did when we first got together (even down to watching the old box sets) helped. Also, telling the children stories about how we got together and those early days. My kids are similar ages to yours. They love it despite all the gagging.

We'd kind of lost each other for a long while. It is getting better because we both want it to now. But for long time I really didn't want to face up to it and avoided my husband a lot. There were all sorts of additional complications (eg PND for us both, long term for me). But starting with little tiny things like holding eye contact, smiling at each other or holding hands made a surprising, if slow, difference.

Well, thanks for the update. It sounds like she's doing okay and leads a balanced life. Except for the virtually non-existent sex life. And going to bed very early with your daughters. And minimizing time spent alone with you in the evenings.

It does sound like she's completely fallen out of love with to the point where she can't stand the idea of physical intimacy with you. Every 3 months or so she grits her teeth and gets on with it so she can tell herself her marriage isn't completely dead. "'they are small and need attention and it won't be forever'" that's such a weak excuse I'm sure even she doesn't believe it.