I want my wife back

[Whome73]

Hi , first time posting here. I'm married with two children 7 and 5. My wife is the best mum they could ever have , problem is she is so much a mum I feel totally forgotten about. I work full time , she stays at home looking after them doing the school run etc. For the last six years we have been out together without the children only 3 or 4 times. No more than half a day or evening without the children. Every night after work I come home and they are having dinner, I have to cook for myself every night and my wife always says she doesn't know what I want or didn't have time. I know the girls are tiring but I don't even get offered a cup of tea when she makes one. At bed time I read stories , help clean teeth, then my wife insists on getting into bed with the girls eveynight and always falls asleep with them. Since Christmas she had not been downstairs in the living room for even one evening despite me telling her I want to spend time with her and find it boring sitting alone every night. Am I being unreasonable wanting to spend time together. After six years of very little interaction I feel we are more house mates than partners. Sex life is maybe 3 or 4 times a years at best. Just feel ignored and lonely. Have tried speaking to her but just get the same reply ' they are small and need attention and it won't be forever'. She does not like letting anyone babysit even her own mum , on the rare occasions she has babysat we have to be back early so she can settle the children. I feel I have lost my wife and time is fast passing me by. I mentioned counseling but it ended in years with me being acused of being unreasonable. Don't know how I ended up like this. We have been together 20 years .

Going to bed that early seems off. Is she avoiding you? Or could she actually be unwell? Something like thyroid issues might cause such tiredness.

There is a reason she's avoiding you.
This resonates a bit with me. For a long time I felt like I was doing everything. AND I was working. I started to resent my DP because he still had a life. I was knackered and fell asleep everywhere at any time. And if I was woken in the middle of the night for sex - I was so angry.
The thing for me was that I was rubbish at expressing myself, because I was afraid I'd end up screaming like a harpie about what a selfish git he was.
You need to find out what is going on. You might not like it, but at least you'd know what to do next. Good luck.

What would happen if you tried to break up her monotony a bit? Could you perhaps offer her a cup of tea rather than complaining she didn't offer you one? Offer to take turns with the girls' falling asleep so that she can sit downstairs and get a bit of a break? Cook dinner at the weekends if you don't already. Maybe cook double so there's dinner done for you all for Monday.

I appreciate that you probably feel this is unfair when you work FT. But at the moment she probably feels she is giving a lot at the moment and the way you phrase your OP comes very much across as you demanding more from her. If you approach her offering to give to her, rather than demanding she give to you, you are more likely to make progress.

The not cooking for you sounds a bit odd. I would assume there are 2 sides to that one. It does sound like she is avoiding you to be honest. But I think going in offering more, rather than demanding more, is a more productive way forward. Make sure she feels supported and loved at home and she is more likely to have the mental resources to give you what you are looking for.

Many women go back to some form of work, even part time, when their dc are at this age. Has this ever been discussed?

Did she have a career pre kids? Does she see friends or have anything not involving the kids?

Or, as another thread poster said - you may be working 40 hours a week.
Is she 'working' 168 hours a week? because that can change the dynamic of a relationship.

Yes, she’s definitely avoiding spending time alone with you. This isn’t normal. Have you any inkling why at all?

What does she do during the day, OP? Would getting some kind of a job help do you think?

If I was financially supporting a partner to stay at home when the kids weren't even in the house, I'd expect at least a meal cooked for me.

What does she do during the day? Maybe she's having an affair so it's avoiding you at night so she gets away with not having sex with you.

This is much easier said than done, but you need to communicate honestly. You say when you discuss important things she gets emotional and you hate to see her like that and that you hardly ever row. This is bad. You can’t communicate properly and if you can’t communicate properly, you can’t fix your marriage.

I’d say counselling is probably the only way forward here and I don’t think it would be unreasonable of you to insist.

She's definitely checked out of the marriage imo. The kids are 5 & 7 and surely at school all day? What is she doing all day and why is she not able to put together a meal for you during this free time?

Falling asleep every night with 5 & 7 year olds is smothering for them and not normal.

She's pushing you out. I guess you have to try and find out why.

Reading over your post OP, I think you may have to start accepting the marriage is over. Sex 3-4 times a year even though your kids aren't toddlers anymore? Her avoiding spending anytime alone with you? Refusing to discuss the situation and throwing blithe excuses at you? Probably you have been taking her for granted a bit but this reaction seems out of all proportion. It seems she's completely fallen out of love and lost all respect for you, and the odds of turning this around is very low.

Sorry to hear this OP, but keep in mind that a lot of women on MN loathe men and all that you’ve said about your situation will be totally 100% your fault.

How often do you look after the children while she goes out and does something for herself? You seem to think that when she's not servicing them she should be servicing you.

I really don't think this is as bleak as others are making it out to be.

Truthfully she is probably wrapped up in her identity as a mum. You may still be attracted to her but she may not feel attractive. Have you tried doing anything to make her feel like you still want her? Have you put any effort in to romance or have you become complacent as well? You need to understand that the spark has dulled a bit and you need to put effort in to it to make it passionate again. Have you written her a love letter? Have you made her dinner with candles lit and roses? Have you tried giving her a massage and complementing her?

You need to set the example. If you make her feel special then she will remember the passion you had.

As PP had said, communication is key in salvaging this. I’m much better at communicating by email because it removes the emotional tension from difficult conversations which can then overwhelm what you’re trying to communicate. Why don’t you try sending her an email with an underlying tone of support and wanting to turn things around.

You need to talk.

Otherwise it's heading downhill. Definitely sounds like she's avoiding and using the kids as the excuse. They are primary age not babies anymore.

I checked out of my relationship and avoided spending time. But there was zero effort or notice on his part and we are now separated.

You need to insist on sitting down to discuss the relationship.

@PatoPotato
"You need to understand that the spark has dulled a bit and you need to put effort in to it to make it passionate again."
The spark seems to be extinguished, dead.

"Have you written her a love letter? Have you made her dinner with candles lit and roses? Have you tried giving her a massage and complementing her?
He can try, but this will probably just irritate her and cause her to shut down even more.

She's checked out of the relationship. But she's still comfortable enough with the status quo that she doesn't want any significant change. Try to romance her, get her into counselling, she'll probably just go along with it and put in the bare minimum, without any real improvement.

@Skittlesandbeer has some amazing advice!!

Has she ever said what is bothering her?

I would insist on sorting out this problem with a view that your marriage from her view may be already dead.

If this is the case you would presumably want time with the kids so she would see less of them and need a job to help to support herself. I would try to explain that it is in both of your interests to save this relationship but you aren’t a doormat and can’t carry on like this.

Without her working and kids of that age, she could sort out dinner for you. She is surely half a stay at home wife at this point and either dislikes you so much she won’t do anything for you or is overly obsessed with the kids that it’s not healthy

This sounds quite a bit like my life. But I’m disabled and chronically ill. Either your dw is genuinely very tired, perhaps exhausted or she’s switched her affections to the kids and hiding from you. Either way you need to talk. Her crying and you not pursuing it otherwise becomes manipulation. Do you want to be manipulated or get to the bottom of this? Dh for example knows I would love life to be different. He helps a lot around the house and doesn’t complain much.

I think you need to try to get her out of her routine and take sex off the agenda for a while. I agree with others that this may be why she is avoiding you. Do you know if she suffered any sexual abuse in the past, either as a child or adult? Could she be dealing with some trauma around the birth of your DCs?

I would start by firstly asking if she can make an extra portion of whatever she and the girls are eating and you will heat it up. That would free you up to start getting involved in the bedtime routine. Suggest alternating getting the DCs to bed. You could sit with them and read or be on your phone until they get to sleep if they're used to that.

This is what me & DH do and it works for us. When we're not doing bedtime we clear the kitchen or iron and watch our own TV choices and get together about 9 to watch something together then go up to bed.

Me & DH do have sex, as much as we can manage with working full time and having a house and DCs. However, it's not always been easy for me. I have past traumas and sometimes a touch can make me recoil if I'm not in the right frame of mind.

I have to say that both of us working has helped our relationship a great deal, there's no confusion about who is responsible for syuff, we are both equally responsible for everything. There's nowhere to hide . It does also sound like your wife may have a fear of being separated from the girls and suggesting she get a job may make things worse at present. Hopefully though, if you push in a bit more and get yourself into the routine, it will give time to find herself and think about her future.

I don't think it is definitely a lost cause. Good luck, op.

Sorry, 1 more thing to mention...I would approach your wife with things you want to change about yourself/your life to be more involved in the family, rather than asking her to change.

So, I would approach it from the angle that you are missing your girls when you're at work and would like to do bedtime sometimes (for example).

She is doing everything for the children, around the clock, that is why she is feeling tired.

Have you considered doing the bedtime routine?

That way she can go downstairs and put her feet up. At least she will then be in the living room in the evenings to chat to.

Your wife it seems has got into a routine/rut of doing it all, perhaps because she always has had to, and after seven years is close to burn out because there has been no break and no help.

Do you give her a break at weekends and take the children out?
Do you sometimes cook dinner?
Do you help with housework and admin etc?

The answer may lie in the fact, you have left her to it for so long and resentment has been building up. Closing down the conversation sounds like someone who has entirely given up.

Change the evening routine, start there.